Date 196

"Because you're evil and you lie."

Before I talk about this date, I need to mention that a totally different woman should have been written about here, but unfortunately she did one of the most pathetic things possible and didn't turn up. We had meant to meet a couple of weeks before but I'd messaged her on the day to check that we were still on but she said that a family member of hers had been pinged by the Covid app. Although this was perfectly believable, I only found out as I'd sent her a text so I wonder if she was going to let me know.

About a week later she got in contact and asked if we could rearrange. I sat on it for a couple of days because I wondered if she was completely reliable and in the end thought what's the harm as she was local to me. We arranged a time and location at a pub in Hove.

I turned up, bought a pint and after 15 minutes realised that she wasn't coming. I then sent her a message on Whatsapp and she'd blocked me. I don't know how anyone can behave like that. It's the lowest of the low and, even though it says everything about her, I felt a bit humiliated. I reported her to Tinder as she's still on there and they've done nothing and she's got a profile on Bumble too. I can't comprehend in any way that someone can think not turning up for a date is acceptable. Answers on a postcard, please.

Now to the date that took place. I decided to take out a full subscription on Hinge and give it another go. I matched with quite a few women initially but in the end this was the only person I went on a date with. And she was great.

She was funny, good looking, intelligent and I genuinely thought that my luck had changed and I felt really comfortable talking to her. She lived in London so I said that I was happy to meet her at the South Bank. It was the first time I'd been there probably since 2019 and only the second time I'd ventured into London this year.

We met in my old favourite, the BFI bar, had a couple of beers then moved onto cocktails. And we eventually ended up in Wagamamas for some food. We spent a good 6 hours together then she got the tube back with me to Victoria. I thought this was a good sign as if I wasn't into someone then I'd have gone home a different way and she'd actually come to the South Bank via Waterloo. I also wouldn't have stayed out that long.

I went home feeling confident that there'd be a second date and she asked me to message her when I got back home; which I did.

However, I woke up the next morning and she'd sent me a message saying that it had been nice to meet me but she hadn't felt any chemistry. I felt so disappointed by this and a bit sad as I thought we'd got on well but I'm always appreciative when people are honest so I responded thanking her for the evening too. Looking at the bigger picture though, I was just impressed that she actually turned up...

Date 182

"Pass the pub that wrecks your body."

I had an early warning that this person was going to be flakey after she cancelled our first date 12 hours after we'd arranged it. We hadn't been chatting very long at all on Tinder (about 20 minutes) when she asked if I wanted to meet up the next day. I had a suspicion that she was a bit tipsy but said yes, not really expecting it to happen, and I was proved right.

She lives in Croydon and had initially suggested I meet her there but I said it was just as easy that we meet somewhere more fun in London. The next day I contacted her to confirm whether we were still meeting and she bottled it by asking if we could postpone as she said that the festive period had caught up on her and she wasn't feeling very good; so I was probably right that she'd been a bit drunk the night before.

We'd pencilled in to meet at the SouthBank the following weekend and I was surprised when I texted her the day before to check if the date was still on and she said it was. So I made my way into the capital again and when she rocked up she didn't look like her pictures. I sort of knew it was her as a blonde woman was heading towards me smiling, but I'm not sure I would have known otherwise. There was definitely a resemblance but I suspect that her profile pics were a few years out of date.

We had drinks and a meal and, although I'd enjoyed her company, I was ready to go home but she insisted on going to another pub. I think she just wanted to continue drinking but it was getting close to 11pm and I was more interested in not missing my train back to Brighton.

We said our goodbyes at Waterloo and I suggested that she could come to Brighton if she wanted another date. She seemed very keen and we discussed it again briefly by text but then the messages stopped very abruptly and I never heard from her again...This was probably for the best though and I can only assume that January caught up on her.

Date 177

"Shyness can stop you from doing all the things in life you'd like to."

Just before our first date, while I was walking across Charing Cross/Hungerford Bridge over to the South Bank, I received a text from 177. It partially showed up on my watch as "I think that the elastic has gone in my..."

Obviously, when I read the full text on my phone it turned out to be her tights! I'm not quite sure why she was telling me this though, and she didn't know either. It sort of summed her up though as she was a funny one in all meanings of the word.

After a few drinks, I suggested dinner and she was overjoyed and said that no-one had ever taken her to dinner on a date before. I wasn't sure if she was taking the piss at first with her reactions but she just tended to get very excitable about things.

The evening was fun and in the days afterwards she basically invited herself to my place in Brighton a couple of weeks later for a horror movie night. So, she came over one Friday evening. We had a lounge picnic, watched a horror film, drank wine and swapped dating stories (unsurprisingly I had a lot more than her).

When it came to sleeping arrangements, I offered her my bed and said I'd sleep on the sofa but she was insistent that we sleep together. This led to partial sex until she got shy halfway through and the rest of the night was spent with us writing song titles by The Smiths on each other's backs with our fingers and having to guess them. Her idea.

The next morning I made us breakfast then had a shower. After her shower she announced that she'd left the bathroom door open and was disappointed that I hadn't joined her. So, she was certainly giving off mixed messages. She then proceeded to run around my flat like a child who's had too many Smarties, and began jumping on my bed. At this point, I didn't really know what to make of her, so I was quite relieved when she eventually decided to go home.

We kept in touch, but the texts fizzled out and I wasn't too bothered about seeing her again, particularly as it would have been only a matter of time before she found my secret stash of Sunny Delight.

Date 172

"I never talk to my neighbour."

An odd thing happened at the beginning of our first date. She turned up a bit late and said that she could only stay for a little while as she was a stand-up comedian and she'd just received a call to say that she had a gig, which she had forgotten about. She seemed really nice and we had a couple of drinks.

I did, however, think that this was an elaborate ruse as she'd never mentioned before that she was a comedian. And when I asked her about contacting her about a second date she said that just after she'd been reminded about her gig, she dropped her phone down the toilet and it was drying off at home in a bowl of rice...

Bizarrely though, when I got home I did some detective work and she is a stand-up comedian, and a funny one at that. The story about her phone was also true as when she'd got a new one, she texted me and we made plans for a second date.

Although we both live in Brighton, I was in London for a couple of days and she met me at the Southbank as I had tickets for BUG with Adam Buxton, and we also had dinner at Ping Pong. It was a really enjoyable night, but it was evident that there was no chemistry between us.

I moved a couple of weeks ago and I now live a couple of streets away from her, so she came round for coffee to check out my new gaff. Thankfully she liked it but I don't think she'll be dropping by anytime soon to borrow some sugar. I also went for a walk with her along the seafront and she told me that she'd recently not turned up for a date as she forgot, but essentially blamed it on the poor guy as he hadn't reminded her...despite him remembering to be there.

Date 163

"If they dare touch a hair on your head I'll fight to the last breath."

Yet again, I had to venture to London for a date but as this Audi TT driving hairdresser lived in Essex;  it was equidistant for both us and not just a trek for me.

She was really nice and I really fancied her but I don't think there was probably that mutual spark between us. Having said that it was a pleasant evening along the Southbank involving drinks and a meal and we got on well, and even shared a kiss at Embankment Station. She also informed me afterwards that my beard was very ticklish.

I tried to organise a second date, and although we chatted a lot via text, she kept being vague about meeting up and in the end she asked if we could be friends. The distance between us probably would have been problematic but we're still sort of in touch if you can class her occasionally liking my Instagram posts as us being bosom buddies.

Date 161

"Some girls are bigger than others."

I got a feeling straight away with this date that she wasn't for me, which doesn't happen that often as I fancy most women I meet at first. I made the trip to London again to meet for drinks along the Southbank, which I don't mind as I like an adventure and Southbank is one of my favourite places, plus I can't seem to get any dates near to me, so needs must.

It was a pleasant couple of hours with her but that's sometimes the downside of travelling for dates as if it had been in Brighton, I think I would have left earlier but wanted to make the most of my £13 return.

She had a really good taste in music, which is always a massive bonus for me, but I'd sensed from our text conversations that she could be quite prickly too. By the time I left she was also quite drunk and told me that she hated it when dates ghosted her as she was a "big girl" and could take being told if someone wasn't into her.

On the train home, I thought it was best to be honest so I texted her and said I'd had a nice evening but couldn't see anything beyond friendship and she replied with:

What could I have possibly responded with..?

Date 159

"Park the car at the side of the road"

This date took place way back in January 2019, so my first of the year and it also started off a trend where all my dates this year have (so far) involved meeting people who are not Brighton dwellers. I have no explanation for this but I just can't seem to meet anyone local.

As this person lived in Kent, we met halfway for a meal at the Southbank in London. And having spoken to other people, this was a very typical internet date in which it was very pleasant and the other person was good company but that's it. As most of mine tend to have a bit of drama, this was something I don't tend to experience much.

As much as I don't want my dates to be dramatic it's always good to have an anecdote but there's very little I can say. The only possible thing I could mention would be that her hair and dress sense gave the impression that she'd just walked out of an office from the 1980's (despite her being only a year or two older than me) but she drove a company Jaguar, so who am I to comment on her appearance.

I liked her but didn't feel any compulsion to arrange a second date and she presumably felt the same as I didn't hear from her either. We exchanged text pleasantries after the date on the way home, but that was it and so the year got off to a quiet start.

Date 156

"It just wasn't like the old days anymore." 

I've not been on a date for ages, and although I've not been as proactive as usual; it's not been for the want of trying. This date, which I'll mention a bit later was the last one I'd been on and that was in June!

The not going on dates thing has largely been down to setting them up and then the other person has either cancelled or mysteriously disappeared. I've also dealt with a few oddballs along the way too. The last date I was meant to go on had all been going well in the initial stages. We'd arranged a time, day and location and had been texting regularly. In the week before our meet up for drinks I'd sent her a text that she hadn't replied to or even opened. Then I knew she was away for the weekend so didn't want to force the matter. I texted her on a Monday morning (a few days before our Friday date) to check if we were still on and received this reply:

Erm, ok....

More recently I'd been in contact with someone off Bumble for about 2 days. She rung me a couple of times and after speaking to her (she mainly spoke at me) I was genuinely scared of her and worried about her state of mind. I would never normally do this but I panicked a bit and blocked her and she proceeded to leave me three abusive and very unsettling voicemails from three different phone numbers between 3 and 7am. At least I found out that even if you block someone on an iphone, they can still leave voicemails.

I also received a drunken 1am phonecall from someone I dated a couple of years ago telling me that the reason she didn't pursue me is because I'm gay. Which was news to me as I had no idea.

Onto this actual date now. It was a really good one. We met along the Southbank on a really beautiful day and we seemed to get on well. We had drinks for a few hours then went for dinner and ended the evening with a lot of snogging.

And then of course I tried to make plans for a second date but she never got back to me. Dating's not what it used to be.

Date 134

"And if you have five seconds to spare, then I'll tell you the story of my life."

Things really moved fast with this Guardian Soulmater after we'd exchanged initial messages, although I can't remember who initiated contact first.

She lived in South West London, which didn't bother me despite the distance, as I'd lived and worked in that area for over 20 years. And after a few emails she began to text incessantly and would Facetime me of an evening fairly regularly. This was quite fun in the beginning but it got really annoying as for about the first two weeks she was shitfaced every single night so her late night calls were essentially drunken ramblings. I also got a bit fed up one night when a drunk friend of hers was there with her when she called on Facetime and began interrogating me about my past dating experiences, so I ended that call prematurely.

I was sort of intrigued by her at the same time as she used to be a tv and theatre actress, so we set a date to meet. A few days before this, she suddenly had the house to herself and asked me at short notice to stay the night. Initially I said yes but then had to attend an important last minute meeting early the next day so told her I couldn't make it. She didn't take it well and behaved like a spoilt child which set alarm bells ringing and I started to not look forward to meeting her. I'd also been put off as her husband still lived in the marital home with her and the children as they hadn't finalised their divorce yet so all this seemed a bit complicated, so maybe it was just as well I didn't go to hers.

When we did meet at the South Bank she was good company as we had dinner and drinks, but it was very obvious that she knew nothing about me as in all the time we'd been in contact, she'd just talked about herself and her life but had forgotten to ask me anything. We did share a brief snog at the end of the night though, so it wasn't all bad!

We kept in sporadic contact afterwards but I've not heard from her for a couple of months so I doubt our paths will cross again.

Date 123

"Fame, fame, fatal fame."

I'm choosing to look back on this date as the one and only time so far in my life that I got to snog a TV personality.

We'd only exchanged a few messages on Bumble and actually met up really quickly. She lived in North London and I happened to be spending a couple of days away in the capital so we met a few hours after I'd checked into my hotel room.

As we hadn't really 'spoken' much beforehand, I was quite surprised when we were choosing a location to meet that she suggested an alleyway for a shag. Of course she was only joking and said she instantly regretted saying that, so eventually we settled on my old favourite the South Bank. When I met her at Embankment tube station, I was instantly attracted to her and we seemed to hit it off straight away, especially after a few drinks at the BFI Benugo Bar (the scene of many a failed date for me). It was here that I also learnt her claim to fame; she'd played a starring role in the Channel 4 tv series Educating the East End and had also been on some tv dating shows over the years...so she clearly wasn't shy.

Afterwards we went for something to eat and I think shared a couple of bottles of wine and got very merry and I enjoyed my first proper snog of the year. At the tube station I also asked her if she wanted to come back to my hotel bar and she said she definitely would have but as bad luck would have it, the GCSE results were coming out the next day so she had to be in school bright and early.

So, we parted ways and I went back to my hotel for a night cap. Whilst there she rang me to say she'd got home alright and that she'd had a lovely evening. Still feeling that the night was young I stayed at the bar drinking until 4am, talking shite to the staff whilst being plied with free cocktails that they were trying out on me. When two members of staff, who were visiting from other hotels in the chain, left me on my own to sit somewhere else, I took that as my cue to go up to my room.

I felt absolutely awful the next day and instantly regretted not going to bed at midnight when I had the chance. I was meeting a very good friend of mine from Twitter for the first time to go to the flicks and I was really in a bad way. We went to see David Brent: Life on the Road, which was so funny, and I really thought I was going to pass out in the cinema. My stomach was turning somersaults and I had the sweats and the shakes badly. Then, weirdly towards the end of the film, I suddenly felt back to normal again.

On my way home, I received a text from her saying the GCSE results had been rubbish and she'd speak to me soon as she was going to bed. A couple of days later she rang me but I missed her call because it was 2AM and I was ASLEEP!

Two days after the missed call she texted me to ask how I felt about us because she was worried about logisitics. I said I wanted to see her again and she felt the same and that she liked me and thought that I was handsome and genuine, which made me wonder if she was actually blind and that I hadn't noticed. She had a dissertation to complete and said could she finish it first then we could meet again. It was due to be handed in a week or so later so I said that was fine.

I'd still not heard anything a fortnight later and messaged her to see how it had gone and I got no response. A week after that I thought I'd give it one more shot and again I got no reply, so I thought I'd leave it. Then a few days after that she sent me a long text apologising and saying she hadn't been in touch purely because she was busy with work and her family and that she'd be in contact me properly in a week. She also said I could pursue other leads if I wanted to (which I found a bit weird) but also that she really wanted to see me again and that she was thinking of me.

That was almost six weeks ago and I've still not heard from her. Bloody celebs.

Date 116

"I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour."

I can't remember much about this Tinder date other than that she was from Croydon and rode a horse that she was convinced was gay.

I fancied a jaunt to London and agreed to meet her at the SouthBank (one of my old haunts). Things were a bit awkward at first but after I'd given her an Easter chocolate treat (this isn't a euphemism and it was Easter Monday) and had a few drinks; we got on quite well.

After we'd eaten we then started ordering doubles whilst she chain-smoked roll-ups and got quite tipsy quite late into the evening. However, although I'd had a good time, I didn't have the urge to contact her afterwards, other than to thank her for the enjoyable evening, and she must have felt the same as we've not spoken since.

Date 84

"A crack on the head is just what you get."

This was probably the longest that I'd ever gone out with someone I'd met from a dating site but it all ended in very abrupt circumstances and I still have no idea why.

The first date was really great and I met her in a bar next to her work along the Southbank on a Monday night. We hit it off so well that we ended up in a really expensive bar snogging in a booth and not caring the slightest that glasses of wine were £8 each!!!!! I'd always assumed that drinking expensive wine meant less of a hangover, but sadly not...

The first date went well, however, the second one went on to completely overshadow it in terms of being memorable, although not for the reasons I would have predicted. A few days later on the Friday we met near her work again and then went on to Soho and found a great little bar after we'd eaten. I was quite merry and befriended a strangely matched couple sharing our table..then proceeded to alienate the female half by getting all preachy to them about about them smoking; well, I was celebrating exactly a year since I'd given up. When they'd left I then decided to go up to the bar and plead with the landlord to serve us even though time had been called. He obviously didn't budge but asked me if I wanted anything else, to which I replied 'yeah, can you find out for me if I'm going home with that girl over there,' so he silenced the bar and shouted my question at her and she rather sheepishly and speedily made her way to the toilet to lessen her embarrassment and avoid the staring eyes.

However, when she came back from the loo, the fun really started. We left the bar to find somewhere else still serving alcohol, and what happened next is very hazy and I'm mostly recounting what I was told. She was a few paces in front of me then, and I have no idea why, I lost my balance or stumbled and ended up spinning and then going head first into a wall, smashing my brand new glasses in the process. Apparently I was out cold for a little while and was bleeding on the side of my head. She had to mop up the blood using her scarf and managed to get me up and help me to a cafe where she got me sitting up and drinking water. She then called a cab and spent £50 taking me all the way home. And my elaborate ruse worked as we ended up spending the night together! I asked her at a later date if she was going to invite me back to hers that night before what happened and she said no!

She took the above pic whilst we were waiting on the train platform the next morning as she was going home and I was actually going to meet Date 83. It doesn't look that bad but I now have a battle scar in the form of a permanent dent on the side of my head.

The following week we actually met up a few times, including one trip to the cinema and a couple of evenings when we'd actually been out with other people but both happened to be in the same vicinity afterwards. I even ended up meeting one of her best friends, who I'd actually been on a date with before (Date 54)! A couple of nights later, I took her to see my beloved BUG at the BFI and beforehand I told her that I was moving to Brighton after Christmas (I first started seeing her in November 2013). She took it fine...or so I thought. It was also on this night that she invited me to her birthday which was due to be in a few weeks.

We had still been seeing each other on a very regular basis and then the night of her party came. Unsurprisingly, I was super nervous as 12 of her best friends were going to be there, but it helped that I was meeting her for a few drinks beforehand. She works in TV and had been telling me previously how she'd had some bad dealings with Matt Berry (bit of a comedy hero of mine) on various projects and who should we see outside the pub, but the man himself talking on his mobile. I gave him a firm pat on the back and in return received a nasty scowl! I had 3 pints beforehand which helped with my confidence and also met her flatmate and her boyfriend which put me at ease as well. Then we went over to a port and tapas restaurant in the Strand and things couldn't have gone better.

For some reason, the stars must have all aligned at the right time as I absolutely worked the room and all her friends loved me. It's not often I say this but I was the absolute centre of attention and I really was on a charm offensive. I think it helped that I'd had my little fall a few weeks previously as that was a good starting point which they all knew about. I really loved her friends too as they were great people and were so welcoming and made me feel so comfortable. It also helped that the red wine and port had started to flow as well. When the end of the night came I even kissed all the men as we departed...and the restaurant manageress..I really was on fire! Myself, her, her flatmate and her boyfriend then got a taxi back to hers afterwards and I made a rather unfortunate error as I bought a banana milkshake for the journey and this was to somewhat backfire on me later on that night. I felt fine when we went to bed..a little bit drunk but not too bad. Then in the middle of the night, I woke up suddenly and in my haste to get to the bathroom, projectile vomited across the room! I'm so classy...but we concluded that it was definitely down to the milkshake. I felt so embarrassed in the morning but she was very cool about it despite the mess.

The next time we met was just before she went home to Scotland for Christmas and we had a lovely evening meeting for drinks then going back to hers to exchange presents and other things. She got me the below gift which I still love:

At this point she was still going on about her party and how all the friends were still asking about me and that she actually thought that they preferred me to her such was the attention they showed me.

I was due to move on the 10th of January 2014 to Brighton so she came over to spend a very chilled last evening at mine before my adventure to the south coast. By this time she'd met my family too and they loved her. After the move, things then began to unravel.

I was super busy at this time so we didn't have much contact, which was my fault, but I had so much to do with my new house that this is understandable. After a couple of weeks she came to visit and I met her at Brighton station on a Saturday afternoon. What was a bit strange though, was on the morning before she left she said she couldn't stay over as my snoring would keep her awake and she needed to be fresh for Monday morning. Despite this, we had a really good evening and she commented on how easy it had been for her to get to me as the train had only taken 50 minutes from Victoria station. We found the best pub in Brighton by accident and just had a really fun night. Things got a bit weird on the way back to the station as she said she thought that I didn't want her to come as we hadn't discussed it much in the build up but I explained to her that this really wasn't the case and it was just due to me being snowed under with all the work that comes with moving to a completely new area. She also texted me on her way home to say what a great time she'd had.

The next day I asked her if she was free in a couple of weeks time so that we could spend some proper time together in Brighton and stay with me for the weekend. She replied in the affirmative and seemed genuinely excited about it.

We then texted normally for a week and then her texts became vague and short. She also stopped playing Words with Friends (never a good sign) with me. Then I was due to visit London for the weekend and she was going to New York so I texted her to tell her to book her tickets for Brighton for the following week as they were super cheap. In response I received a text from her in which she apologised for not being in touch much but her social diary was going to be busy over the next few months and the distance between us was a problem, therefore, we were going to have to be friends instead. I replied by saying how that was such a shame as I was really looking forward to seeing her again when she was due to come to mine. I never heard from or saw her again. And that was abruptly that.

I wasn't devastated but it made me feel very sad and I also felt very hurt that she chose to end things by a weak text and for her to then just disappear after the fun time we'd shared together. I honestly don't think that distance was the problem and I can only conclude that she met someone else. Who knows though? And to add even more salt to the wounds, another best friend of hers is the wife of a very famous lead singer and guitarist of a world famous band, whom I'd been due to meet very soon...maybe she thought he'd like me better than her. Selfish cow.

Date 77

"And tell me how long before the right one?"

Having not been on a date for almost 5 months, this one really came out of the blue. After giving up on pay-sites, I had occasionally been looking back on OKCupid in the intervening period, without much success. Then a week or so ago (late May) I received a reply from this person.

Her profile was very sparse, but what she did say was funny, she was also attractive AND was a fan of The Smiths. I only sent a reasonably short message to her and to my amazement she responded with an essay. In that reply she also intimated about meeting up. So, we agreed to do so after a couple of messages.

In between the time I first messaged her and to us meeting just over a week later, we had a lot of email contact back and forth and she was absolutely hilarious. When this happens, you get used to the daily routine  of hearing from this person all day and you begin to look forward to it. Being the same age, we had the exact same taste in music, films and TV and there always seemed to be so much to say to each other. It became quite intense and it's quite odd really because you tend to build up an imaginary 'picture' of what someone is going to be like before you've met them and you think you know them better than you actually do.

As is sometimes the case, I was very excited about meeting her. I didn't want to be though...This may sound like a strange statement, but with dates, I prefer to not really think about them beforehand and I try and lower my expectations so as not to be disappointed if things don't go well. She seemed to be looking forward to it too and I was getting butterflies in my stomach days in advance, which is extremely rare for me.

We met in a bar on the Southbank at 6pm and I got there a bit early and acquired perfect 'booth' seats which are like gold dust in this particular bar as it's so popular. When she turned up, I was impressed and she looked absolutely stunning. We then spent the next few hours having very surreal conversations and just getting to know each other better. I was having a ball and I remember there being a lot of laughter. She also had some great stories to tell and I was absolutely starstruck when I found out that she knew two members of one of my favourite bands, Veronica Falls, and they were always dropping by her house!

As we'd had a few drinks, we needed food so moved onto a restaurant, shared a bottle of wine then had one last drink before she said she needed to go home. So, I walked her to her bus stop, made sure she got on alright and kissed her goodbye.

By now it was around 11:30 pm so we'd spent a good 5 and a half hours together and I thought that things had gone well. I messaged her when I got home and said that I'd really enjoyed myself and would she like to come out with me again later in the week as I was thinking about going to an event that I knew she'd want to go to. Normally, I leave these things a day or two but I thought what's the point in playing games, so what the hell.

I didn't hear from her until late the next evening and she simply sent me a reply saying she'd had fun but was busy every night that week and sorry. I responded by saying that wasn't a problem and whether she was free again another time. I never heard from her after that.

I'm not really sure what happened, but I guess I just liked her more than she liked me. Being so excited beforehand did worry me as I knew I'd be disappointed if things didn't go to plan and that proved to be the case. On occasions in the past, I have found that women have wanted to see me again when I haven't been really bothered and vice versa, so it's possible that when I'm enthusiastic then women are perhaps not as interested. Saying that though, I'm sure I'm just myself and I think I was for this date.

I don't mind if she wasn't that into me as it would be ridiculous to agree to see me again if she didn't want to. However, I'd got into a bit of a routine of being in so much contact with her and I thought that her response to my request of a second date was rude and it just seemed rather abrupt. I suppose I'm also quite surprised when a date lasts quite a long time and they don't want to see you again, as surely you'd just go home after a couple of drinks if you weren't enjoying the company?

Anyway, I'm still feeling quite sad a couple of days later, which I know is completely irrational and ridiculous after one date, but I really liked her. Which maybe says it all...

I do, however, think that she's the closest woman I've ever been on a date with that matches what I'm looking for...although without the ignorance and headfuckery obviously.

Finally, to paraphrase Pointless' wonderful Richard Osman: at least I got an anecdote out of it.

Date 67

"I Want the One I Can't Have."

It appears (for me anyway) that second dates have become very scarce of late. Some first dates I've been glad not to see again, other first dates I've hoped would want to hook up again but in my heart of hearts I've known they wouldn't; and then there are some first dates like this one where I've been left feeling disappointed to have not been given a second chance. That's not to suggest that I'm arrogant or up my own arse, but when you've had a really good time and they appear to have done so as well then why not do it again, even if it's just to see if a friendship develops?

After messaging her first and then emailing for a week or so, the lady in question asked me out for a drink. I couldn't initially make the evenings she suggested, but we agreed on a date a couple of weeks later as she was going to be away during half term on a school skiing trip. That clue gives away the fact that she's a teacher, however, she also co-stars in a current tv advert, but I'll not be saying which one.

As we'd been in fairly regular contact through email and she wasn't going to be online during her ski trip, she gave me her mobile number and told me to text her while she was away. Which I did and it was nice to stay in touch and to be kept informed about her adventures on and off the pistes of Austria.

We agreed to meet up the day after she got back and in the end it was a bit of a last minute thing getting a location sorted out as she was out during the day having an extended boozy lunch with friends, so it was difficult to get hold of her. She lives quite near me so it wasn't a huge problem as we were meeting fairly locally in Hampton Court, but I didn't get a response from her until it was getting close to 7pm so I had to get my skates on as we'd agreed to meet at 7:30pm.

As it happens I was early, but she was even earlier and texted from the pub to ask me what drink I wanted and to tell me that she was sat at the bar. As I was only about a minute away, I let her know that I'd be through the door in a few seconds. Then, just as I was about to go in: I let a really tall, scruffy, physical freak of a man with long greasy hair and dodgy glasses through the door before me. As I was following him in, I saw her face look in absolute horror in his direction and then turn to complete relief as he walked past her...and then we both saw each other and burst out laughing.

That was a really good ice-breaker of sorts as it was a really funny start to the evening, although I'm not sure that the greasy haired guy was overly pleased at the muffled giggles emanating from our table every time he walked past us during the night.

The whole night was really fun and the conversation easily flowed and I haven't laughed so much or felt so comfortable on a date for a very long time. She seemed to be laughing a lot and enjoying herself too. However, that may have been helped by the fact that she was a little bit tipsy when she turned up, and I think that she must have had a fair bit beforehand as she ordered a glass of water with her red wine.

We stayed almost to closing time and as we left to go our separate ways home: she said that she'd had a wonderful night and that she felt that she'd known me for years, which I thought was a good sign as I felt the same. She was absolutely hilarious, good looking and she really did enchant me with her company.

I decided to email her the next day and I basically said that I'd had a really enjoyable night and that if she wanted to go out again then to let me know (in hindsight, I shouldn't have left it so open-ended). She took a couple of days to reply and in the email she didn't mention anything about meeting up again, but just told me about her rubbish day at work and asked me how mine had been. I found the fact that she'd completely skirted the issue of another date really strange, so I just responded in a similar manner asking about her day etc. I received another email from her then nothing more.

Normally in these cases, I can usually take the hint but as she'd made such a good first impression on me, I decided to try one more time and so I texted her, about a week later, asking if she fancied going out for another drink. She replied and said that she felt bad, but she was going on a date with someone she'd been in contact with for a while the next week and that she hated mucking people around. She said she'd had a real laugh when we met, and so could we keep it as friends?

I responded by saying that I'd had a real laugh too and that of course friends was alright. She texted me a couple of days later asking my opinion on a band that she liked and after exchanging a few texts they just stopped and I never heard from her again.

In the end I was glad to finally get a straight forward reply from her, even if it wasn't the response that I was after, as although I'd guessed what the outcome would be, I still felt a bit in limbo for a couple of weeks as I always try to be optimistic. I probably didn't have much of a chance anyway, considering she had another date lined up.

Oh Christ, I've just thought...she can't be going out with that chap with greasy hair and dodgy glasses, can she?! What an absolute cad and a dark horse he turned out to be.

UPDATE (April 2012): After admitting defeat with Date 67, I presumed that I'd never see her again. I'd deleted her from my phone and hadn't had any contact with her for over two months, however, one Sunday morning I thought that I'd give it one last try. As I didn't have her number in my phone, I eventually found it after going through a load of deleted emails on match.com and I figured that I'd have nothing to lose by getting in touch with her. She'd left a really good impression on me after our first date and so I texted her to see if she fancied going out for another drink. To my absolute amazement, she replied within a minute and said yes. We then texted a bit, back and forth, and agreed to meet up on the Friday night.

As she lives near me, I asked her if she wanted to stay local and then the texts stopped. I hadn't heard anything all week, so texted her on the Thursday night just to make sure we were still on for the following evening and thankfully she replied and suggested that we meet at the BFI Bar along Southbank. So, we initially met there but it was so rammed that we went for a little stroll and found a decent pub near Blackfriars Bridge and, like the first date, got on absolutely splendidly. Although we don't have that much in common, I felt really comfortable in her company and we possess a similar sense of humour and never ran out of things to say, which is always a good start.

After a couple of drinks and her introducing me to the fiendishly addictive game, Draw Something (more of this later), she suggested that we go back to the BFI Bar as it was bound to be less busy. However, when we got there at about 10:30pm, it was still full to the rafters, but we fought our way to the bar anyway. After a few minutes, she asked me if I noticed anything strange about the clientèle, which I hadn't, and she informed me that everyone in there was a woman. After asking a few people, it turned out that it was the Lesbian and Gay Film Festival, which would explain why it was so busy and why I was the only man in there. We only had one drink as the bar closed and she also said that she felt a bit uncomfortable due to it being so packed and because all eyes were on her; so we made our way back to the station and got the same train home as she lived one stop before me. During the journey home she invited me to a party at hers in a couple of months and when she got off, she told me that she'd had a wonderful evening.

I then left it a few days and texted her on the Monday night to see how a wedding she'd been at on the Saturday had gone, and she replied asking me about a friend's Birthday drinks I'd been at in Camden. I replied to that telling her about it and asked her how she was fixed for that week and got nothing. Weirdly though, a day or so later she played a move against me on Draw Something but never replied to my text.

All through the week I still thought that I'd hear back from her and again felt in complete limbo when I didn't receive a reply. Two weeks then went by and still nothing, so I thought I'd give it one last try and so I texted her and asked if she fancied going out for a drink in the next week or so. I never heard back from her but a few hours after I'd sent it she started a game of Draw Something with me and didn't reply to my text.

I've got to say that out of all the 69 dates I've been on, she was by far my favourite. I also didn't feel that I'd forced the issue in any shape or form as I played it cool and I felt that I was very patient. I don't quite understand why she agreed to see me again and then just ignore me completely. I've been on plenty of dates where I've been ignored in the aftermath, which I've always accepted because you get used to it, although it is still plain rude and how can it hurt to just send back a polite 'no thank-you?' However, the thing that I find most bizarre is the fact that after both texts, she'd start a game with me on Draw Something shortly afterwards, despite the fact that we hadn't been playing against each other in between the two texts. I've therefore come to the conclusion that she's just subtly teasing me as she clearly knows that I like her and she knows that I'm waiting for her to reply to me, but I can only assume that she's getting a bit of a kick and having a laugh out of literally playing games with me.

I normally take these things with a pinch of salt but in this case I don't quite get why she's chosen to be a bit of a bitch after we had two fun dates as it's not as though I've messed her around in the slightest. She's 37 and one would have thought that she'd have a mature attitude, although perhaps the fact that she teaches teenagers maybe says it all as their behaviour is clearly rubbing off on her. I've learnt my lesson though and won't be contacting her again which is a shame as I really liked her. I won't be playing my move of Draw Something against her either...

Date 59

"I've seen you smile, but I've never really heard you laugh."

After another brief hiatus from dating, I decided to give OkCupid another go. And, boy, is it difficult to get a reply on there, let alone a date, which is highlighted by the fact that I've only met two women off it after being sporadically on it for a year (technically, it should have been more as at least two girls agreed to meet me for drinks but never replied when I tried to arrange them).

As I'd alluded to in an earlier post, being on a free site doesn't mean that you're going to go on loads of dates, as, on paper, OKCupid is full of intelligent and like-minded people supposedly looking to meet others. However, being a free site does often mean that there are going to be lots of members and this results in predominantly women being bombarded with messages (including a lot from socially inept freaks). Another reason could be that with a pay site, members are possibly more likely to go on dates to get their money's worth, which I think is backed up by the high number of dates I've been on through pay sites compared to the low number on free sites. Having said all that, though, this could all be bollocks as maybe people are just becoming more choosy, super fussy, up their own arses or just plain rude.

To the date itself. We'd been e-mailing for a good few months, and, although her constant overuse of the acronym 'LOL' was a bit annoying (a real pet hate of mine, which, surely should be a punishable offence), she seemed nice. Anyway, she asked if I'd like to meet for a drink and as she fancied coming to London, she travelled up from Brighton to see me. We had a very pleasant afternoon and evening drinking along the South Bank, and although we were still in text contact the following week and she did ask if I wanted to meet up again but things just fizzled out and we never did. I also wasn't overly enamoured by her assertion that I was the spitting image of Coronation Street's Steve McDonald. I've since asked a number of friends and they assure me that this isn't the case. At all. No, sir. Really, I don't. Look, I don't resemble him in any shape or form whatsoever.

UPDATE: 2014

Upon moving to Brighton in early 2014, she actually made contact with me through OKCupid again. We met up for drinks and it was nice to see her. But, there was something odd about her though that I just couldn't put my finger on and we never saw each other again.

Date 55

"I lost my faith in womanhood."

This will go down as the most mental and scariest person that I've met so far on my internet dating travails, and even now I still get shivers down my spine when I think about her a year later. Unbelievably, things got off to a very promising start and we actually went out for a few months.

Our first date was surprisingly fantastic as, for some reason, I wasn't looking forward to meeting her at all, and we seemed to click straight away. We met along the South Bank at about 8pm and after numerous pub stops, found ourselves in Soho at 3am. At this point we were both absolutely hammered, and, whilst standing outside a pub trying to get our bearings, she inexplicably just walked off without me, saying she had to get home. As I live out in the sticks I'd missed my last train home by about three hours so I chased after her and luckily managed to catch her up. I didn't have a clue where I was and I had no idea how I was going to get home so I asked her if I could sleep on her sofa. She would have been well within her rights to refuse and I would have accepted that, but thankfully she agreed and so we went back to hers. I promised her that there wouldn't be any funny business and that I just needed a place to sleep, and true to my word I slept on her sofa and went home the next morning.

We then met up for a second date a few days later around the London Bridge area. I have to say that it wasn't very pleasant as she was in an extremely grumpy mood the whole evening and very distant. However, despite this we met up again a few days later in Richmond and then a week after that we went to Soho and visited a Noel Fielding art exhibition. It largely used Bryan Ferry as its muse so I was in my element. After food and drink we ended up going back to hers and sleeping together for the first time.

By this time we were in constant contact and would speak on the phone every night. Although we were getting on really well I had become very conscious of her severe mood swings and hyper-sensitivity. The first sign of it came when I went round to hers one day to bring her some food as she was off work ill. Beforehand, she'd started sending me really dirty texts and then proceeded to tell me that she liked things done with her neck and hair. I wasn’t entirely sure what she meant so asked a friend and he told me to take along a garrotte and comb! Anyway, as it turned out, during sex, she liked her hair being pulled and she also liked to be throttled and strangled. I tried to do what she wanted but I just felt extremely uncomfortable so after a while said that I couldn’t. She was a bit pissed off and asked me if I had any kinks. I couldn’t really think of any so said that I watched porn sometimes. She was so disgusted and horrified by my admission that she kicked me out of her flat! I managed to patch things up with her, although in retrospect I wish I hadn't. Little things like this would then occur over the coming weeks where I felt like I was treading on egg-shells and having to watch what I said.

The next date which really sticks out started off very well but descended into a farce by the end. I took her to Primrose Hill and we had a lovely long walk as it was a beautiful July evening. I then took her to a restaurant in Hampstead and she then suggested we go back to hers via Tesco to get some booze to carry on drinking. When we got back to hers I sat down on the sofa whilst she was in her bedroom for a few minutes and inexplicably she came back out wearing her pyjamas and dressing gown and said she was going to bed and that I could watch tv. I was obviously a little confused and was trying to wrack my brains for something that I might have said to upset her over-sensitive self during the previous half hour; I couldn't think of anything though. Then, to make matters worse, before she went to bed she put the tv on for me and as a Vincent Cassel film was on (I cannot stand the French fella), I happened to comment that he was punching above his weight by being married to Monica Bellucci as I said that she was absolutely stunning and he clearly is not. What a huge error of judgement on my part that was as I would later find out. At this point I wished that I was at home but I was a bit stuck considering it was 1am so I went to bed to try and sleep. We were both wide awake for hours, but I didn't know that she was too as it transpired that she was in a huff with me and had been pretending to be asleep whilst simultaneously ignoring me. The reasons being that Monsieur Cassel is her favourite actor and she didn't like me insulting him, and on our first date I'd told her that she was stunning (which she was) and by her weird logic I'd upset her by saying that Signora Bellucci was too! No? I don't get it either.

I can't remember how, but we managed to patch things up but alas there were more fun and games around the corner. We'd been going out for about six weeks at this stage and she wanted me to go to a friend of hers birthday. Normally I would have said 'yes' but the party was due to take place in a really nasty, chavvy club in Clapham on a Friday night and I just could not entertain the thought of attending. The idea of going somewhere like that in Clapham of all places filled me with absolute dread as it is a setting absolutely alien to what I am about. I was also due to see her on the Thursday and Saturday nights so I thought that would be ok if I ducked out of this hell-like scenario. I was honest with her about my reasons for not going and she flew into an absolute rage by sending me abusive texts and emails for a couple of days. She then rang me up as if nothing had happened and when I told her that I wasn't happy with the abuse she'd been sending me, she put the phone down on me and had the audacity to email me the next day demanding to know why I was ignoring her! At this point I'd had enough so I told her that I wanted to call it a day to which she sent me some really bizarre emails about how I clearly had issues and that I'd been leading her on and she accused me of being all sorts of things. As I hadn't heard from her for a few days I thought that that was that.

I then the made one of the biggest mistakes I've ever made in my life. She sent me a text out of the blue asking if we could meet up to discuss things. I always like to give people another chance and to sort things out in an adult way so I agreed and we hooked up and she went on the charm offensive and apologised profusely so I forgave her. I still don't know why I did. She also let slip that she wasn't used to men saying 'no' to her and that she always got her own way, so me not bowing down to her every whim was a new experience for her.

A couple of days later she was due to go to Australia for a few weeks so she invited me around to hers and in all fairness we had a lovely evening of food and drink. Evenings like this were why I liked being with her as she could be extremely good company. She had so many good qualities which explains why I kept wanting to give her the benefit of the doubt, whereas early on and in the cold light of day, I should have taken note of the warning signs and ran in the opposite direction.

The next morning we said our goodbyes as she went down under. During the three weeks she emailed every day telling me how much she missed me, which I found bizarre and uncomfortable (which I told her) as we hadn't been going out long at all and she should have just been enjoying herself. She would also complain if my replies were too short!

Anyway, she arrived back after her trip and rang me as soon as she got in the door of her flat and we met up the next day at South Bank. We had a lovely day and she bought me loads of presents and we were getting on really well. When the evening was over I sort of knew that she wanted me to go back to hers but by the same token I didn't want to be presumptuous, so as she didn't say anything I went to make my way home and she asked me to go back with her although I sensed she had the hump on the way home. When we were back at hers she said she was going to Clapham the next day to meet a friend and wanted to leave her flat at 12pm and as I was going there to change trains she wanted to travel there with me. I actually had to be home the next day a bit earlier than that so I said I had to leave hers at 11am. Later on when we were in bed she told me that she was really angry with me because I had to leave at 11am the next day and she went into one of her moods despite the fact I would be spending the best part of 24 hours with her so I wasn't impressed.

The next morning she prodded me at 7:30am and said that she wanted me to leave, so I went in the lounge and took the presents she'd bought me out of my bag and left them on the floor, said goodbye then departed. I then remembered that I'd lent her a book while she was away and so I went back, knocked on her door and very politely asked her for it to which she obliged (Pies and Prejudice by Stuart Maconie if you were wondering). Feeling quite angry, but in actuality a bit relieved, I made my way to the station then realised my train wasn't due for another couple of hours, so I rang up a friend to tell him what had happened, bought a coffee and wandered around the not so delightful surroundings of Purley until I could get home.

I can't emphasise enough how much in the end she actually scared me with her mood swings, and I'm not sure if I was dreaming it or not but I have quite a clear memory of seeing her going through my mobile phone on the last morning I was with her.

I spent the next few weeks in constant fear of her contacting me, but she never did.

Date 48

"Oh, yes, you can kick me, and you can punch me, and you can break my face but you won't change the way I feel."

This was the last time I went on a date with someone off Soulmates, and I've not been back on the site over 18 months later.

After a lot of e-mail communication with this girl, who I think was 5 years younger than me, we met for our first date at the Southbank. I can't really remember that much about it but it was fun and we drunk a lot and ended up sharing a kiss, and she was very keen for a second date.

For our next rendezvous, we went and had a very nice meal at a tapas restaurant near Waterloo and afterwards we drunk a substantial amount at a really grotty pub nearby. By the time we got out she was extremely pissed, and being a strong girl, she more or less dragged me into an alleyway and pinned me up against the wall and snogged me without coming up for air. The fun then really started when we got back to Waterloo station. As I was about to bid farewell and get my train home, she asked me to come back to hers. I politely declined purely on the basis that it was a school night and that she was completely legless. I was then taken aback by her reaction as she, without warning, landed a very firm punch to my shoulder and immediately burst into tears. I didn't really know exactly what to do, as believe it or not, I'd never experienced anything like this on a second date so I spent the next 15 minutes or so comforting her on the Waterloo concourse while she wept uncontrollably. When she stopped crying we eventually parted our separate ways in order to both catch our respective last trains home.

I have to say that I was quite gob-smacked by the evening's finale and when I got home I received a text from her saying that she was completely devastated and she'd completely understand if I didn't want to go on any more dates. In retrospect I should have just walked away but I actually felt sorry for her and decided to give her another chance. Big mistake.

For our third date she suggested we should go to a Japanese restaurant near where she lived in Brixton and I have to say that it was a lovely little place and the food was superb. We then ended up going back to her flat, but nothing happened and all we did was sleep, although she did at one stage start a big argument with me as I wanted to pop outside for a cigarette, and she completely lost it with me. Despite her short fuse though, she definitely had qualities that I liked about her, and although I was having my doubts, I didn't want to make a rash decision that I might regret.

Anyway, our fourth and final date occurred a week or so later and she was very intense and stroppy, and accused me all night of looking at every other woman wherever we went amongst other things. We then both made our separate ways home and I remember her having a face like thunder when I said goodbye to her.

The next day she then proceeded to send me a stream of very abusive texts and e-mails. They were very muddled and I can't remember them that well but I think she was basically accusing me of looking at other women as part of a pre-prepared strategy to make her dislike me. I suggested to her that maybe we should concentrate on being friends to which she emphatically said she didn't want my friendship and promptly deleted me from Facebook.

I automatically assumed that that was the last I'd heard from her when a few days later she sent me a very long and non-abusive e-mail apologising and saying that she was emotionally immature and that she'd been hasty in lashing out at me. I accepted her apology and being the big softie I am, accepted her new friend's request on Facebook.

A couple of weeks later she sent me an e-mail suggesting that we should go out as friends for a few drinks during Christmas. Being the festive season and not being online much, I took all of two days to reply and agreed to said request but bizarrely she deleted me again from Facebook and I never heard from her. The phrase 'dodging a bullet' springs to mind.

After this experience I decided that I'd had enough of internet dating. That was until Match.com hooked me in with a special offer to join their website about 6 months later...