Date 84

"A crack on the head is just what you get."

This was probably the longest that I'd ever gone out with someone I'd met from a dating site but it all ended in very abrupt circumstances and I still have no idea why.

The first date was really great and I met her in a bar next to her work along the Southbank on a Monday night. We hit it off so well that we ended up in a really expensive bar snogging in a booth and not caring the slightest that glasses of wine were £8 each!!!!! I'd always assumed that drinking expensive wine meant less of a hangover, but sadly not...

The first date went well, however, the second one went on to completely overshadow it in terms of being memorable, although not for the reasons I would have predicted. A few days later on the Friday we met near her work again and then went on to Soho and found a great little bar after we'd eaten. I was quite merry and befriended a strangely matched couple sharing our table..then proceeded to alienate the female half by getting all preachy to them about about them smoking; well, I was celebrating exactly a year since I'd given up. When they'd left I then decided to go up to the bar and plead with the landlord to serve us even though time had been called. He obviously didn't budge but asked me if I wanted anything else, to which I replied 'yeah, can you find out for me if I'm going home with that girl over there,' so he silenced the bar and shouted my question at her and she rather sheepishly and speedily made her way to the toilet to lessen her embarrassment and avoid the staring eyes.

However, when she came back from the loo, the fun really started. We left the bar to find somewhere else still serving alcohol, and what happened next is very hazy and I'm mostly recounting what I was told. She was a few paces in front of me then, and I have no idea why, I lost my balance or stumbled and ended up spinning and then going head first into a wall, smashing my brand new glasses in the process. Apparently I was out cold for a little while and was bleeding on the side of my head. She had to mop up the blood using her scarf and managed to get me up and help me to a cafe where she got me sitting up and drinking water. She then called a cab and spent £50 taking me all the way home. And my elaborate ruse worked as we ended up spending the night together! I asked her at a later date if she was going to invite me back to hers that night before what happened and she said no!

She took the above pic whilst we were waiting on the train platform the next morning as she was going home and I was actually going to meet Date 83. It doesn't look that bad but I now have a battle scar in the form of a permanent dent on the side of my head.

The following week we actually met up a few times, including one trip to the cinema and a couple of evenings when we'd actually been out with other people but both happened to be in the same vicinity afterwards. I even ended up meeting one of her best friends, who I'd actually been on a date with before (Date 54)! A couple of nights later, I took her to see my beloved BUG at the BFI and beforehand I told her that I was moving to Brighton after Christmas (I first started seeing her in November 2013). She took it fine...or so I thought. It was also on this night that she invited me to her birthday which was due to be in a few weeks.

We had still been seeing each other on a very regular basis and then the night of her party came. Unsurprisingly, I was super nervous as 12 of her best friends were going to be there, but it helped that I was meeting her for a few drinks beforehand. She works in TV and had been telling me previously how she'd had some bad dealings with Matt Berry (bit of a comedy hero of mine) on various projects and who should we see outside the pub, but the man himself talking on his mobile. I gave him a firm pat on the back and in return received a nasty scowl! I had 3 pints beforehand which helped with my confidence and also met her flatmate and her boyfriend which put me at ease as well. Then we went over to a port and tapas restaurant in the Strand and things couldn't have gone better.

For some reason, the stars must have all aligned at the right time as I absolutely worked the room and all her friends loved me. It's not often I say this but I was the absolute centre of attention and I really was on a charm offensive. I think it helped that I'd had my little fall a few weeks previously as that was a good starting point which they all knew about. I really loved her friends too as they were great people and were so welcoming and made me feel so comfortable. It also helped that the red wine and port had started to flow as well. When the end of the night came I even kissed all the men as we departed...and the restaurant manageress..I really was on fire! Myself, her, her flatmate and her boyfriend then got a taxi back to hers afterwards and I made a rather unfortunate error as I bought a banana milkshake for the journey and this was to somewhat backfire on me later on that night. I felt fine when we went to bed..a little bit drunk but not too bad. Then in the middle of the night, I woke up suddenly and in my haste to get to the bathroom, projectile vomited across the room! I'm so classy...but we concluded that it was definitely down to the milkshake. I felt so embarrassed in the morning but she was very cool about it despite the mess.

The next time we met was just before she went home to Scotland for Christmas and we had a lovely evening meeting for drinks then going back to hers to exchange presents and other things. She got me the below gift which I still love:

At this point she was still going on about her party and how all the friends were still asking about me and that she actually thought that they preferred me to her such was the attention they showed me.

I was due to move on the 10th of January 2014 to Brighton so she came over to spend a very chilled last evening at mine before my adventure to the south coast. By this time she'd met my family too and they loved her. After the move, things then began to unravel.

I was super busy at this time so we didn't have much contact, which was my fault, but I had so much to do with my new house that this is understandable. After a couple of weeks she came to visit and I met her at Brighton station on a Saturday afternoon. What was a bit strange though, was on the morning before she left she said she couldn't stay over as my snoring would keep her awake and she needed to be fresh for Monday morning. Despite this, we had a really good evening and she commented on how easy it had been for her to get to me as the train had only taken 50 minutes from Victoria station. We found the best pub in Brighton by accident and just had a really fun night. Things got a bit weird on the way back to the station as she said she thought that I didn't want her to come as we hadn't discussed it much in the build up but I explained to her that this really wasn't the case and it was just due to me being snowed under with all the work that comes with moving to a completely new area. She also texted me on her way home to say what a great time she'd had.

The next day I asked her if she was free in a couple of weeks time so that we could spend some proper time together in Brighton and stay with me for the weekend. She replied in the affirmative and seemed genuinely excited about it.

We then texted normally for a week and then her texts became vague and short. She also stopped playing Words with Friends (never a good sign) with me. Then I was due to visit London for the weekend and she was going to New York so I texted her to tell her to book her tickets for Brighton for the following week as they were super cheap. In response I received a text from her in which she apologised for not being in touch much but her social diary was going to be busy over the next few months and the distance between us was a problem, therefore, we were going to have to be friends instead. I replied by saying how that was such a shame as I was really looking forward to seeing her again when she was due to come to mine. I never heard from or saw her again. And that was abruptly that.

I wasn't devastated but it made me feel very sad and I also felt very hurt that she chose to end things by a weak text and for her to then just disappear after the fun time we'd shared together. I honestly don't think that distance was the problem and I can only conclude that she met someone else. Who knows though? And to add even more salt to the wounds, another best friend of hers is the wife of a very famous lead singer and guitarist of a world famous band, whom I'd been due to meet very soon...maybe she thought he'd like me better than her. Selfish cow.

Date 28

"Last night I dreamt that somebody loved me."

My first date of 2009 and things couldn't have got off to a better start.

She made contact with me first and before we actually met we'd had a huge amount of communication between each other by e-mail and text. As it turned out I asked her out for a drink on Christmas Eve and she was overjoyed, and so was I. Because of the Christmas/New Year interruption we eventually met up on the 2nd of January and it turned out to be the most perfect first date I'd ever had.

I knew as soon as I saw her that I fancied her and to say that there was a spark between us was an understatement. It was a purely magical evening and to cap things off she asked me back to hers, which in terms of first dates has never happened to me before or since. We also drank a huge amount and by my reckoning we started at 6pm and finished at 4am (without any food), which is no mean feat. The next morning we had to get up reasonably early as she was visiting her parents in Kent and we both had horrendous hangovers, which was to be expected. So, we both went our separate ways.

She texted me on the way home and sent me a beautiful message about how wonderful the previous evening had been and how we had to see each other again as soon as possible. I then got another text from her later on in the day asking if I wanted to go back to hers that night. I was actually in bed nursing THE hangover from Hell, and I was also coming down with a cold, so I was feeling doubly awful. Thus, I had to decline, but if I'd had any energy left then I would have been over like a shot.

We then met up again a couple of days later as she'd invited me round for dinner and she made me the most amazing meal I've ever tasted. She was an astonishingly talented cook and I also bought her flowers too, which she was overjoyed with and I have to add that I've never felt compelled to do this for anyone else. We had another sublime evening which ended with us dancing (a rarity for me as I never, ever dance) around her lounge with her flatmate until 4am, absolutely hammered on red wine on a school night.

I then saw her a day later and she cooked for me again and we drank and drank and things were going much better than I ever could have believed they would. This went on for just over a month where we'd see each other every other day and I was happier than I'd ever been in my life, which really is no understatement.

One evening we were due to go and see Slumdog Millionaire but when we got to the cinema there was such a big queue that we decided to just go back to hers and indulge in her favourite pursuit of drinking lots of red wine late into the night. I was still at the stage where I would get butterflies in my stomach when I saw her and we, again, had another lovely night where she made it clear that we were now in a proper relationship and bizarrely spoke about our future a lot and even mentioned babies (weird, I know) and then the next day we kissed good-bye at the station and went our separate ways as had become the norm. This, dear reader, was the last time that I ever saw or spoke to her.

This was a Thursday morning and everything had seemed normal. She was going away on the Friday morning to Vienna for a weekend away with her flatmate but she'd be back on the Sunday so I told her to give me a ring when she got back, which she said she would. She then texted me during the day and told me to organise something for us for when she got back that didn't involve alcohol as she quipped that she wanted me to see her sober for once! I duly went away and pulled in a big favour from one of my best friends and acquired two tickets to see her beloved Arsenal play.

Sunday came and this had been the most time we'd not had any contact between each other. I didn't hear anything from her but wasn't too concerned as I thought maybe she'd got back late or something. The next day I hadn't heard anything from her but just assumed she was busy at work. Then I checked my Facebook in the afternoon and she'd managed to put a mountain of photos up from her weekend away. I still hadn't heard anything by the evening so sent her a text. She took an age to reply and sent back a bizarre response saying she was feeling a bit weird but she was out in Wimbledon (more than likely on a date) and would contact me the next day. The next day I didn't hear anything either and so I rang her that night. It went straight to voicemail so I left a message just asking her how she was and how her trip had been etc.

The next day came and still nothing. It got to the afternoon and I thought things were getting ridiculous so I mailed her telling her that I'd got us tickets to see Arsenal and was she free on that date. Then a couple of hours later she sent back a reply telling me it was over.

She sent me the most patronising and insensitive e-mail I've ever received. The gist of it was that she didn't think it was going to work between us but she said she didn't know why. It was all over the place and she even admitted that it was very cowardly of her to jettison me by e-mail, but it still didn't stop her! She also told me how sweet it was of me to get her Arsenal tickets and that I should go anyway to see a team that I didn't support. She signed off by saying 'take care and I really do mean that as I think that you're lovely. P.S. I'll send you back your Twin Peaks DVD' (I've never been able to watch it since). So, in other words 'run along now, silly boy.'

I was completely devastated as I just hadn't seen it coming. I replied that night to her with tears streaming down my face. I kept the response very structured and wrote it in what I'd term as 'controlled emotion,' as I needed answers. She never replied to it.

I sent her a very brief message a few days later after hearing nothing, telling her that we needed to talk about things. I received a very terse and short reply saying that she'd ring me at the weekend. She never did.

I was by this time in complete shock and I'd stopped eating completely and I couldn't stop crying. My whole world had come crashing down but I didn't contact her. Other aspects of my life hadn't been going great and this tiny glimpse of happiness I'd experienced probably magnified the hurt I was feeling as the rug had well and truly been pulled from beneath me in the most abrupt manner possible. A month had passed of tears, little food and no contact so I e-mailed her a very casual request asking her for my DVD back. She replied the next day, apologising, and that she'd send it back. True to her word I received it from her the next day and she enclosed a bizarre typed letter just saying thanks for lending me the DVD (I hadn't lent it to her as we'd been watching it together when I was over at hers) and a few other banal things. It was very impersonal as if she was writing to a stranger, and she never once asked how I was. I replied to it that evening by e-mail and kept things very light as I didn't want to let on how much she had affected me and asked her a few things such as how her job was going etc. Suffice to say; I never got a response.

The next few months were much the same in that I was eating very little and losing weight fast. I was still inconsolable and my nadir came when I broke down in Waitrose of all places; I just couldn't come to terms with it all and I never got any answers as to what had happened (and I never will). In the end and a good 5 months later I snapped out of it and began to live my life again. I think some people reading this will think this was an overreaction on my part but I'd never felt this low after a relationship break-up and probably never will. I didn't foresee it at all and my body just shut down. There were no signs that anything was wrong and everything had always been on her terms and she was the one who'd always text and e-mail me a million times a day and not the other way around and she was very intense. I adored her and she knew it, plus this was a 34 year old woman not a teenage girl. I really beat myself up about it as I thought I'd done something wrong, but, as one person said to me it said a lot more about her than it did about me.

In hindsight I should have known better than to have started anything with a red wine swilling Tallulah Bankhead (the original femme fatale and her ultimate obsession and heroine) wannabe, but you live and learn. It's now been a long time since it happened and although I'm to all intents and purposes over her; I still feel very hurt and think of her longingly in my weaker moments. It's also changed me as a person as where previously I used to be an open book, I'm now the absolute antithesis in that I've become very guarded.

"Girlfriend in a coma."

Bizarrely in the May of 2009, completely out of the blue, my beloved Newcastle United were relegated from the Premier League (not a great year for me). The first text I received offering condolences was from her. I'd long deleted her number from my phone but I recognised it and all it said was 'sorry.' She was of course referring to my team's demise and not the pain she'd put me through. I was a bit tipsy and so shocked to hear from her that on the way home on the train I replied and we got into a bit of banter about the football. I then texted her again a week or so later and asked her if she fancied coffee. She replied instantly within a few seconds and said 'yes' although not for a couple of weeks as she was busy. I ,therefore, waited patiently and contacted her again to arrange things. She never did get back to me...