Date 172

"I never talk to my neighbour."

An odd thing happened at the beginning of our first date. She turned up a bit late and said that she could only stay for a little while as she was a stand-up comedian and she'd just received a call to say that she had a gig, which she had forgotten about. She seemed really nice and we had a couple of drinks.

I did, however, think that this was an elaborate ruse as she'd never mentioned before that she was a comedian. And when I asked her about contacting her about a second date she said that just after she'd been reminded about her gig, she dropped her phone down the toilet and it was drying off at home in a bowl of rice...

Bizarrely though, when I got home I did some detective work and she is a stand-up comedian, and a funny one at that. The story about her phone was also true as when she'd got a new one, she texted me and we made plans for a second date.

Although we both live in Brighton, I was in London for a couple of days and she met me at the Southbank as I had tickets for BUG with Adam Buxton, and we also had dinner at Ping Pong. It was a really enjoyable night, but it was evident that there was no chemistry between us.

I moved a couple of weeks ago and I now live a couple of streets away from her, so she came round for coffee to check out my new gaff. Thankfully she liked it but I don't think she'll be dropping by anytime soon to borrow some sugar. I also went for a walk with her along the seafront and she told me that she'd recently not turned up for a date as she forgot, but essentially blamed it on the poor guy as he hadn't reminded her...despite him remembering to be there.

Date 166

"Her skirt ascends for a watching eye."

London was my destination again, but as she lived in Kent it was halfway for both us and it was also a really good first date. Things had gone really fast as we'd only been chatting for about a day when she asked if we could meet and we did a couple of days later after a lot of texting.

I really fancied her straight away, although at one point I thought she'd done a runner as she went to the bar and took her coat and bag and 15 minutes later she hadn't returned. She then reappeared and said there'd been an accident behind the bar in which a load of glasses had been dropped. The bar staff initially had told her to wait but eventually suggested she use a different bar, which was when she came running out to ease my abandonment fears as she was worried that I thought she had left me. During her bar wait an odd man came up to her to ask how long she'd been waiting...hold that thought.

After having a few more drinks at one of the BFI's other bars we made our way out to get something to eat and a man came running after us shouting: "Daleks! Daleks!" We all just looked at each other for a few seconds and he said we looked like two people he'd seen watching a Dr Who film that had just been shown. And yes, he was also the odd man who'd been talking to her at the bar. He walked off in a very disappointed manner and we just had a bit of a giggle, whilst making our way to Ping Pong, which pretty much blew her away.

After a bit of a snog at Victoria Station we made our separate ways home. Although we'd got on really well I wasn't sure how much she liked me. However, over the next week we texted constantly and she even rang me up a few times for a chat. Due to childcare responsibilities she only had every other weekend and Wednesdays free so we couldn't see each other for 10 days as the following Saturday night she was seeing Bon Jovi...well, no-one's perfect.

It was great being in so much contact and she'd always tell me how my texts always made her smile and laugh and we shared a very similar dark sense of humour.

On her next free Wednesday we met in London again and I took her to a really posh French steak restaurant in Soho, which she loved. She looked beautiful too (which I told her) and said that she was going to wear a very sexy outfit but decided against it due to the unseasonal gale force winds...damn the weather!

After the meal we went to the pub next door and pretty much snogged the whole time and did so back at Victoria Station. Things seemed to be going well.

The next night I went into London again with a Brighton friend to see Adam Buxton's BUG so I told her all about my last couple of dates with the Kent lady. Just before I'd met my friend, I'd received a text from my date asking what I was up to and asking about my day.

On the way home I hadn't heard from her again in response, and it was quite late at night. She was still online, which was unusual for her as she normally went to bed early. She hadn't replied to my text though and was quite vague when I sent her another one. Though nothing was obviously wrong, I had a bad feeling. The sort you get when you've had a lot of contact with someone and you get used to their habits and nuances.

I then didn't hear from her for the next three days. This was extremely unusual and I feared the worst. I knew what was coming but I waited to see if she got in touch with me.

On our dates she'd told me some interesting stories about her marriage and previous relationships. Apparently her ex-husband had been very controlling and it sounded like it hadn't been a happy one for a while, but she was shocked when he asked for a divorce. Another recent relationship she'd been in was with a cocaine addict. Initially she'd get worried and paranoid if she hadn't heard from him for 12 hours. Then he'd go missing for days and he eventually confessed that he'd been on cocaine binges with prostitutes, however, he convinced her that he'd just take drugs with them and nothing else, which she believed. She kept giving him chances but he'd keep go missing again and finally admitted that he'd also been having sex with the hookers. This is when she broke things off.

After feeling quite sad from not hearing from her for a few days I texted to see if everything was ok. She replied instantly and said they were but she'd been too busy to text me. I then asked if everything was ok between us and she said no. She said that I made her smile and laugh and that she wanted there to be fireworks and that I wasn't her 'forever guy.' I said that's fine but we'd had two really good dates and that it was pretty uncool to just not to say anything. She apologised and said our chats and dates had been great and she should have said something. I asked her what she wanted to do and she said call it a day and I agreed and that was that. Everything was amicable but I shouldn't have had to have contacted her for the privilege of finding out that I'd been dumped. I was also very confused as to how she'd gone off me so quickly.

I was deeply disappointed but 'drowned my sorrows' by scoring some coke and partying with some escorts.

Date 84

"A crack on the head is just what you get."

This was probably the longest that I'd ever gone out with someone I'd met from a dating site but it all ended in very abrupt circumstances and I still have no idea why.

The first date was really great and I met her in a bar next to her work along the Southbank on a Monday night. We hit it off so well that we ended up in a really expensive bar snogging in a booth and not caring the slightest that glasses of wine were £8 each!!!!! I'd always assumed that drinking expensive wine meant less of a hangover, but sadly not...

The first date went well, however, the second one went on to completely overshadow it in terms of being memorable, although not for the reasons I would have predicted. A few days later on the Friday we met near her work again and then went on to Soho and found a great little bar after we'd eaten. I was quite merry and befriended a strangely matched couple sharing our table..then proceeded to alienate the female half by getting all preachy to them about about them smoking; well, I was celebrating exactly a year since I'd given up. When they'd left I then decided to go up to the bar and plead with the landlord to serve us even though time had been called. He obviously didn't budge but asked me if I wanted anything else, to which I replied 'yeah, can you find out for me if I'm going home with that girl over there,' so he silenced the bar and shouted my question at her and she rather sheepishly and speedily made her way to the toilet to lessen her embarrassment and avoid the staring eyes.

However, when she came back from the loo, the fun really started. We left the bar to find somewhere else still serving alcohol, and what happened next is very hazy and I'm mostly recounting what I was told. She was a few paces in front of me then, and I have no idea why, I lost my balance or stumbled and ended up spinning and then going head first into a wall, smashing my brand new glasses in the process. Apparently I was out cold for a little while and was bleeding on the side of my head. She had to mop up the blood using her scarf and managed to get me up and help me to a cafe where she got me sitting up and drinking water. She then called a cab and spent £50 taking me all the way home. And my elaborate ruse worked as we ended up spending the night together! I asked her at a later date if she was going to invite me back to hers that night before what happened and she said no!

She took the above pic whilst we were waiting on the train platform the next morning as she was going home and I was actually going to meet Date 83. It doesn't look that bad but I now have a battle scar in the form of a permanent dent on the side of my head.

The following week we actually met up a few times, including one trip to the cinema and a couple of evenings when we'd actually been out with other people but both happened to be in the same vicinity afterwards. I even ended up meeting one of her best friends, who I'd actually been on a date with before (Date 54)! A couple of nights later, I took her to see my beloved BUG at the BFI and beforehand I told her that I was moving to Brighton after Christmas (I first started seeing her in November 2013). She took it fine...or so I thought. It was also on this night that she invited me to her birthday which was due to be in a few weeks.

We had still been seeing each other on a very regular basis and then the night of her party came. Unsurprisingly, I was super nervous as 12 of her best friends were going to be there, but it helped that I was meeting her for a few drinks beforehand. She works in TV and had been telling me previously how she'd had some bad dealings with Matt Berry (bit of a comedy hero of mine) on various projects and who should we see outside the pub, but the man himself talking on his mobile. I gave him a firm pat on the back and in return received a nasty scowl! I had 3 pints beforehand which helped with my confidence and also met her flatmate and her boyfriend which put me at ease as well. Then we went over to a port and tapas restaurant in the Strand and things couldn't have gone better.

For some reason, the stars must have all aligned at the right time as I absolutely worked the room and all her friends loved me. It's not often I say this but I was the absolute centre of attention and I really was on a charm offensive. I think it helped that I'd had my little fall a few weeks previously as that was a good starting point which they all knew about. I really loved her friends too as they were great people and were so welcoming and made me feel so comfortable. It also helped that the red wine and port had started to flow as well. When the end of the night came I even kissed all the men as we departed...and the restaurant manageress..I really was on fire! Myself, her, her flatmate and her boyfriend then got a taxi back to hers afterwards and I made a rather unfortunate error as I bought a banana milkshake for the journey and this was to somewhat backfire on me later on that night. I felt fine when we went to bed..a little bit drunk but not too bad. Then in the middle of the night, I woke up suddenly and in my haste to get to the bathroom, projectile vomited across the room! I'm so classy...but we concluded that it was definitely down to the milkshake. I felt so embarrassed in the morning but she was very cool about it despite the mess.

The next time we met was just before she went home to Scotland for Christmas and we had a lovely evening meeting for drinks then going back to hers to exchange presents and other things. She got me the below gift which I still love:

At this point she was still going on about her party and how all the friends were still asking about me and that she actually thought that they preferred me to her such was the attention they showed me.

I was due to move on the 10th of January 2014 to Brighton so she came over to spend a very chilled last evening at mine before my adventure to the south coast. By this time she'd met my family too and they loved her. After the move, things then began to unravel.

I was super busy at this time so we didn't have much contact, which was my fault, but I had so much to do with my new house that this is understandable. After a couple of weeks she came to visit and I met her at Brighton station on a Saturday afternoon. What was a bit strange though, was on the morning before she left she said she couldn't stay over as my snoring would keep her awake and she needed to be fresh for Monday morning. Despite this, we had a really good evening and she commented on how easy it had been for her to get to me as the train had only taken 50 minutes from Victoria station. We found the best pub in Brighton by accident and just had a really fun night. Things got a bit weird on the way back to the station as she said she thought that I didn't want her to come as we hadn't discussed it much in the build up but I explained to her that this really wasn't the case and it was just due to me being snowed under with all the work that comes with moving to a completely new area. She also texted me on her way home to say what a great time she'd had.

The next day I asked her if she was free in a couple of weeks time so that we could spend some proper time together in Brighton and stay with me for the weekend. She replied in the affirmative and seemed genuinely excited about it.

We then texted normally for a week and then her texts became vague and short. She also stopped playing Words with Friends (never a good sign) with me. Then I was due to visit London for the weekend and she was going to New York so I texted her to tell her to book her tickets for Brighton for the following week as they were super cheap. In response I received a text from her in which she apologised for not being in touch much but her social diary was going to be busy over the next few months and the distance between us was a problem, therefore, we were going to have to be friends instead. I replied by saying how that was such a shame as I was really looking forward to seeing her again when she was due to come to mine. I never heard from or saw her again. And that was abruptly that.

I wasn't devastated but it made me feel very sad and I also felt very hurt that she chose to end things by a weak text and for her to then just disappear after the fun time we'd shared together. I honestly don't think that distance was the problem and I can only conclude that she met someone else. Who knows though? And to add even more salt to the wounds, another best friend of hers is the wife of a very famous lead singer and guitarist of a world famous band, whom I'd been due to meet very soon...maybe she thought he'd like me better than her. Selfish cow.

Date 75

"Money Changes Everything."

My third and final date using Lovestruck and I was glad to delete my profile when my 3 month subscription ended. Any replies to messages or profile views from other members ended after about 2 weeks of being on there so I really didn't get my money's worth.

I contacted this person within the first few days of being on the site and she very quickly gave me her phone number...without me even asking for it. So, very soon we agreed to meet in Richmond at 4pm one Saturday afternoon. It went very well and we got on splendidly, although she really hit the red wine and even after eating at a restaurant, she peaked too early and we had to call it a night at about 8pm as she was very merry.

I was very keen to see her again so I texted her a day or so later and asked her if she wanted to go to the flicks. I won't say which film as I'll just be laughed at, but she said yes and seemed very excited. Although, probably by the film I'd suggested rather than seeing me again. Apart from the fact that the cinema's heating had broken down and it was -2 outside, thus forcing us to don scarves and gloves half way through, the film was decent...and ok, I'll give you a clue what we saw: I'm Team Edward all the way. Afterwards she asked me to walk her back to her car which was about 10 minutes away and she then gave me a lift back to near my bus stop, although I had to suddenly jump out at some traffic lights which was a bit of an abrupt end to the evening as I barely could say goodbye and I didn't have a clue how the evening had gone.

I heard from her briefly over Christmas but then the trail went dead. As luck would have it though, I managed to acquire a couple of tickets for my beloved BUG at the BFI (hosted by Adam Buxton). I hadn't been for a year as tickets are like gold dust, but for some bizarre reason there were still a few for sale which is extremely rare as it's almost always sold out very quickly. I'd found out on our first date that she was a big fan of Mr Buxton, although she'd never heard of, let alone been to BUG which I was amazed at. So, although, I hadn't bought them especially for her, I told her that I had a spare and she jumped at the chance.

As it turned out, it was the best BUG I'd been to for ages and some of it was so funny that I couldn't breathe as I was laughing so much. She really enjoyed it too. However, afterwards we had a few drinks and she never once offered to pay for her ticket or buy me drinks. I couldn't obviously ask her for the money and while they were only £15, to me that's just a bit rude, is it not?

Although I got a text from her to thank me for the evening later on, I've not heard from her since so I'm just going to leave it as I actually can't be bothered to chase her. Whilst we got on well, I felt that she wasn't really putting any effort into things as I'd chosen the venues for each date and I still feel her not offering to pay for BUG was a little bit naughty. The fact that she was a smoker also bothered me a little bit too. I stopped smoking almost 4 months ago and it's still a real struggle for me. I realise it's completely hypocritical of me but having to sit out in the freezing cold while she smoked fag after fag before BUG was really unbearable, and maybe I'm better off without the temptation.

Date 61

"Let me get my hands on your mammary glands."

As I'd alluded to in the previous entry, I was intrigued by all the furore surrounding the re-vamp of Guardian Soulmates, so curiosity got the better of me and I signed up again after my self-imposed exile of a couple of years. In retrospect, I wish that I hadn't.

For a number of years GSM was universally thought of as the most popular dating website around in terms of its layout, search engine, messaging facilities and the people on it. In this respect, one would normally go with the old adage of if it ain't broke then don't fix it, however, it appears that the good people behind the site decided to have the fantastic idea of going a bit leftfield and removing all the good features which made it popular and thus forcing people away in their droves.

The main problem seems to be that the company who designed and maintained the original site have been jettisoned, I think, in favour of The Guardian now doing it in-house. This may seem sensible in terms of a cost-cutting exercise due to the uncertain economic times at present, however, I can't see how this would be the case by the fact that the subscription charges are now higher than ever, so I have no idea where all the money is going as it's certainly not being used to develop or improve the site. Although The Guardian acknowledged that they made mistakes during the re-vamp in April 2011 by offering refunds to subscribing members at the time, they've not addressed any of the criticisms or rectified any of the poor features almost 9 months later.

The original site, while not completely aesthetically pleasing, had a simple but effective appearance to it but now it just looks cheap and generic. One of the best features which has been removed was the previous ability to be able to send one line replies to people . The most useful aspect of this was that you could let people know that you didn't have a subscription or that you weren't interested, however, now you have no idea whether people are being rude in not replying or they're just not signed up and are unable to respond. A lot of my messages to girls were ignored, and while it could be the case that I've lost my touch and people just didn't like the look and sound of me, which is not the site's fault, not knowing if they had a subscription or not doesn't help matters.

Another big grumble I have is also the inability to delete profiles from searches. This is particularly annoying when all the people whom you've messaged and haven't replied still keep coming up and clogging up searches. The profile page information itself has also been cut down, so now it's really difficult to gauge what people are like as profiles now contain the briefest of details.

Compared to the success I'd had in the past of going on a quite a few dates, this time around I was limited to just two in three months. I'm not sure if that's down to the site's re-vamp, whether subscriptions are vastly down or whether the people on GSM are now just a different demographic. The majority of messages I sent were ignored and if I was 'lucky' enough to get a reply then they would ignore my follow-up, which is a very common part of dating sites now. This is probably due to the over-saturation of members or just the death knell of manners.

Anyway, to date 61 itself. I'd messaged her first and after a couple of emails she asked me out for a drink. She was 5 years older than me, very attractive, very interesting and I really fancied her. We got on well enough and we had loads in common in terms of music and films, however, by the end of the evening I could tell she was a bit bored as when I suggested we get something to eat she said she was tired and wanted to go home. I still thought I'd email her about another date and to no great surprise she asked if we could just be friends. We've seen each other three times since, which has included going to the cinema to see The Guard (an absolute gem and my film of the year so far) and attending BUG at the BFI twice. We do get on well when we hook up, although I do wonder if she stays in contact purely so she can join myself and my friends for Adam Buxton's marvellous video showcase as I never hear from her besides BUG .

UPDATE: I met up with her again last night (May 2012) in Camden to see Avengers Assemble and a really bizarre thing happened. I'd texted her a week or so ago to arrange it but when we met up she got the shock of her life as she'd been under the impression that she'd been texting and was due to meet up with another friend of hers who happens to have the same first name as me (technically my name is spelt slightly differently). When she first saw me, she was in absolute shock and asked me what I was doing there and said she wasn't meant to be meeting me tonight! She then went into a panic and a state of mass confusion and I was just standing there not knowing what the hell to say. I actually felt like just going home as she didn't hide her disappointment that it was me who had turned up. As we'd agreed to meet for food first of all we went in the restaurant eventually and I've never felt so awkward in my life and she was also quite concerned that the other guy was going to turn up...he obviously didn't. We then went to see the film, which was good but don't believe the hype, and she apologised profusely afterwards. She also said she couldn't find her other friend's number in her phone and said that she must have deleted it which led me to assume that she'd removed his number thinking it was mine. Needless to say, I won't be contacting her again as this was actually the 4th or 5th time that we'd met after our first date as to say that I felt uncomfortable all night was an understatement.

UPDATE: Despite vowing to never have anything more to do with her, some months later I randomly bumped into her on a night out in Camden when I was out with a couple of friends. She joined us for the rest of the evening and was actually very good company. Since then we've actually become fairly regular cinema buddies and we do get on pretty well. However, I always let her contact me first as I still feel uneasy about her not knowing who I was! And, in fairness to her she has since told me that she's still embarrassed by what happened.

Date 46

"Coyness is nice."

This 'coy' lass from Billingham is by far the closest friend I have made from my many forays into internet dating. We're still very much in contact and see each other on a fairly regular basis, mainly to stalk the wonderful Adam Buxton at BUG from the front row, which he hosts at the BFI every couple of months. The great man himself even commented at one of the November 2010 shows how we both looked very cool in our almost matching thick, black rimmed glasses; so he's clearly on to us.

After a number of very enjoyable dates, I decided that we'd be better off as friends and we still get on really well almost 2 years later.

Probably the most explosive and entertaining incident to occur during one of our dates happened one evening when we were sitting outside a bar on Charing Cross Road having a drink and a smoke on an absolutely freezing cold night. We were deep in conversation when a severely pissed up city boy/Essex lad, not very resplendent in a grey suit and matching waistcoat, and heavily resembling the maverick snooker player Ronnie O'Sullivan, launched himself at our table to acquire a lighter without so much as a please or thank you. We just stared at him as he tried to light his cigarette without any luck, then forcibly tossed said lighter back onto our table claiming it was broken. He then walked off and I breathed a sigh of relief only for my companion to shout back at him that his flies were undone, which they actually were. He then stormed back to our table demanding a working cigarette lighter, and then grabbed my ladyfriend's bag on his ultimately fruitless quest for a tiny, hand-held flame. A very minor struggle ensued and when he'd realised that he wasn't going to get what he wanted, he proceeded to clear our table by smashing our drinks and ash tray onto the ground. Then, to top things off he drunkenly stumbled off up the street shouting back at me over and over that I was a fucking c*nt, which I was simply aghast at, having not said a word to him during the whole altercation! If only he'd taken the time to get to know me better.