Date 148

"I must put you behind me tonight."

I've probably said this before but this is when online dating can be such a mindfuck. I've no idea why I keep putting myself through it (probably because I'm addicted and stupidly optimistic).

This solitary date is up there with one of the best I've ever been on. I met this 42 year old restaurant manager in my current favourite craft beer establishment in Brighton, and all the signs pointed to there being a mutual liking for one another. When I first saw her, it may sound crass, but her pictures didn't do her justice as she was beautiful. I had been extremely nervous about this date as we hadn't had much contact and the last time I came to this pub, the date was a disaster.

We stayed in the pub all night until closing time and I really didn't want it to end. We had so many things in common and the conversation really flowed. We got chatting to a couple on another table and told them we were on a first date and every time my companion went to the toilet or outside for a smoke, they said how much she'd told them she was enjoying the date and how she really liked me. In retrospect this probably didn't do me any favours as it possibly gave me a false sense that she liked me more than she actually did. She was also very touchy feely which all the experts in magazines say is a good thing! Right?

We even snogged and planned our next date, then held hand hands as we got in our respective taxis.

I was cautious but quite excited the next day about her. I even told my sister about the date and I never tell her about any of them, such was my misguided optimism. We texted during the day about our respective hangovers and things were going well until I asked if she was free to meet up the following week. She said she would be but was working in London between Monday and Thursday, so I suggested Friday. She didn't reply until the next day and there was a definite shift in tone as she said she now had friends visiting for the weekend but didn't suggest an alternative. I then asked when she was next about and she didn't answer the question but again reiterated how busy she was at work and that she had a really bad cold. The texting stopped and so I messaged her the next day and asked if she was feeling any better and got no reply.

I waited a few days and after not hearing from her I sent the following message and got the following reply:

Due to the fact that she hadn't responded to my previous text and the radio silence, I had been expecting this but I did feel sad even though I had been trying to prepare myself. I was definitely guilty of getting too excited but I'd been hopeful due to the signs she'd been giving off initially. I, of course, over-analysed her response as I found it patronising telling me to keep looking and if she's so busy then why is she dating? The date had been great and communication the following day had gone well but the day after that there was a definite sea change which I can only put down to her sobering up and coming to her sense as I really thought I was worth a second date.

Date 147

"When usually it's nothing."

My last date of 2017 and it was quite a brief one and certainly not as dramatic as the one a few days earlier. Which was definitely a good thing.

I think we matched on Tinder and she was very keen to meet up after not really being in contact that much. Despite not knowing much about each other, I was surprised by how much we had in common, and we certainly had a lot to talk about. However, after 2 or 3 drinks she said she had a party to go to so I was home before 8pm.

I genuinely got the impression that she did have other plans, although she hadn't told me beforehand and she didn't want another date so it was a good, solid exit strategy regardless. Maybe first dates should only last a few drinks just to see what someone is like instead of the drunken affairs they sometimes turn into.

Date 146

"There's a club if you'd like to go. You could meet somebody who really loves you. So you go and you stand on your own, and you leave on your own. And you go home and you cry and you want to die."

This was a disaster. And alcohol and Tinder really don't mix well (neither do craft beer and Jack Daniels for that matter).

About 5 days before our first date, I'd received a message from this lady at about 10pm on a Saturday night, desperately trying to get me to come out with her into Brighton. She was child-free and wanted to hit the bars and clubs. I had loads on the next day so politely declined her request, or else I would have done.

By this point I'd already got the idea that she was quite a party girl. She was also not the type of woman that I normally went on dates with, but I liked being out of my comfort zone and was quite excited about meeting her. 

In the lead up to our date, for about 4 or 5 days in a row, she messaged me to ask where and when we were meeting. Each time I'd tell her the time and send her a link to either a map or the website of the bar. I found this really odd and a bit irritating (I've no idea why she couldn't just scroll back up to when she'd previously asked me) and when it came to it I had to meet her at a bus stop as she was incapable of finding the place even though it was really simple. 

When I met her off the bus she looked like she was on a mission. She was completely done up in clubbing gear with leather trousers and really elaborate shoes etc. and she did look very glamourous. She stopped off to get some cigarettes, then we embarked on the 5 minute easy walk to the bar I'd chosen. 

We got on pretty well and I really did fancy her. Her taste in music left a lot to be desired but she was knowledgeable and open-minded to other sorts. She was really funny too and didn't seem to possess a filter. We live very near each other and she'd lived in my village for a bit, and still frequents it on a regular basis. I was quite surprised that she's also permanently barred from a couple of pubs, though strangely she didn't know why...

We drank solidly for about 5 hours and if the date had ended there then that would have been great. The bar had stopped serving as it was after midnight and we were just about to go our separate ways home when she persuaded me to go to a gay club with her.

Now I really was out of my comfort zone. I'm really not a clubbing person but I went along with it and even started dancing with her. I. NEVER. DANCE. We were very drunk when we went in and kept on drinking. Then things went a bit weird. I can't remember exactly what happened but I'd been doing things like twirling her around etc. and for some reason she really forcibly pushed me away. I was a bit shocked then went to the toilet and when I returned she was talking to someone else. I kept my distance then sat down for a bit. I later went back to where we'd been and couldn't see her so messaged to her ask if she'd left, but got no reply. Then a smiling guy came up to me and put his arm round me and I asked him if he knew where my 'friend' was. I think he knew her as he took me to her as she was somewhere else in the club with other people. I tried to talk to her but couldn't hear what was she saying as the music was so loud. She really looked pissed off so I just left.

For some reason, instead of getting a taxi, I walked all the way home, which is probably a good 80 minute stroll. It's not a particularly safe route either as you pretty much have to walk along a dual carriageway for part of it. On the plus side though, I completed my 10,000 steps for the day even before I'd been to bed.

There'd been a time early on in the club where I was going to get her mobile number, call it a night and just leave. As we'd just been communicating through Tinder (and I didn't have her number) I sent her a message when I finished my journey to tell her I'd got home and asked her what had happened. She never replied so I actually deleted her from Tinder because I figured I wouldn't hear from her and I actually didn't want to know anyway. 

The next day I was still drunk when I woke up and felt terrible as I just didn't know what had gone on. I'm convinced that I didn't do anything wrong but I kept playing it through my mind for days afterwards. I spoke to a few people about it and it seems possible that she had always intended to go clubbing afterwards and might have just wanted me to go with her, but then wasn't really bothered about me being there when we'd got in, as she seemed to know other people there. She had been openly sending texts while we were still in the first bar (not good dating etiquette) so maybe she was arranging to meet people in there. I've got no idea really and it's just something I'm going to have to put down to experience and remember in the future to leave when the going is good...especially when things start getting messy.

Date 145

"I know the wind-swept mystical air."

This continued the theme of quick, unmemorable dates.

I'd not had an active membership on Guardian Soulmates for about 6 months and this person had actually sent me a message quite a few months ago but I'd not received a notification to my inbox so I'd not picked it up. After a few messages she asked if we could talk on the phone. I hate doing this but I can understand why people want to before agreeing to go on a date and I must have come across ok as we did meet up. Bizarrely though, I've had times where a date has been arranged then they've wanted to speak beforehand and after hearing me have cancelled so I'm quite conscious of this happening. The weirdest example of this was a woman who called me from what sounded like a gale force wind-swept mountain top. I couldn't hear a word she was saying and after a few minutes I asked if we could speak a bit later, preferably somewhere a bit quieter, and she called off our date saying we wouldn't be compatible even though we never spoke again...so I clearly failed some sort of audibility test.

Back to this date, and it lasted possibly a couple of drinks. She was very nice and good looking and I thought perhaps there'd be a second date as she said that every date she'd been on had led to at least a second one. I was the exception to the rule though as I enquired about another one but she said she'd met someone else. I wasn't too disappointed.

Date 144

"And death for no reason is murder."

I can barely remember anything about the first date, in which we met in a pub, but she was very keen to meet up again so we must have got on.

The following week we met for tapas (and drinks afterwards) and I found out that she had a unicorn obsession, but this was counter-balanced by her love of Star Wars; so that was ok...Although I wasn't completely bowled over by her, I liked the pace at which things were going and she did seem like a genuinely very nice person. I really enjoyed this date.

Our third date was due to be a Christmas roast but she cancelled due to illness and then went home to her parents in the north for the festive period. I received a text from her on Christmas Day and she asked me about meeting up again when she was back. I replied but never heard from her again, so I never did get to hear about her work's murder/mystery party in which she went as Dr. Fumbles (I was genuinely looking forward to this after she'd sent me pictures of her in her outfit!)!

Date 143

"I went to London and I..."

Another date where not much happened. When I think back I'm also amazed that I went all the way into London to meet her too.

She lived on the Isle of Wight and we'd been chatting on Whatsapp for a while so there didn't appear to be much chance we were going to meet due to the distance. However, she was staying in Guildford with family (where she used to live) and suggested a date. I'm still surprised that I agreed though as I didn't have anything on in London and it was a relatively quick date as she didn't want anything to eat so it only lasted a few drinks, plus all the times she kept going outside for a cigarette. I didn't fancy her at all and I presume she felt the same.

We kept in touch for a bit but there was never any question that we were going to meet up again although the most memorable thing she did for me was give me a heads up when a Lego Star Wars Millennium Falcon had its price slashed to under £100 so we both bought it!!! (Our mutual liking of Star Wars Lego led to me actually buying her a small spaceship for our date!).

I didn't hear from her for a while then I got a message from her asking how I was but I think it was only to let me know that she had a boyfriend who she'd met locally. 

Date 142

"Alabaster crashes down."

As I've said countless times before, I'm not a fan of coffee dates and I don't believe I've had one that's led to a second meet-up. And this proved to be the case as well.

It probably lasted only about an hour and a half so there's not much to say at all. I don't remember which site it was from although I'm pretty sure it was courtesy of a rare match on Bumble.

The lady in question worked for an airline and she kept making jokes about the fact that she was having her bathroom done at home and her toilet wasn't stable and if you sat on it then it was liable to go through the floor, so she loved using other lavatory facilities as she didn't have to hover. That is seriously the only thing I can remember her saying to me.

She bought me cake with our coffee so I bought her lunch and we must have spoken about things other than loos as we made plans to meet again for drinks.

Drinks then got got downgraded to coffee and coffee got downgraded to nothing as I never heard from her again.

Date 141

"I crack the whip and you skip."

This was a rare occasion where I really wasn't that fussed about meeting this person, but she seemed very keen and persistent so I agreed to a date. I think she'd contacted me initially through one website and it hadn't gone anywhere and then she messaged me on OKCupid and I felt guilty so when she asked about meeting up I said yes. Which was a bit stupid on my part but because I have so many people cancel on me (I could probably do a blog of equal length on the dates that never happened), I didn't want to do that.

During our brief initial messages, and on her profile, she'd made quite a point of saying how she loved dressing up and attending things like Torture Garden, which is a fetish club. I think she also portrayed herself as a mild-mannered lawyer by day and a rubber clad party animal by night. We met at about 7pm so I guess it was still daytime for her as she seemed very shy and there wasn't really much to talk about.

She was a very nice person but I was a bit relieved when she had to leave early due to her experiencing back pain. I think this was genuine as she went through quite an elaborate routine of squirming in her seat and looking in a lot of discomfort. Or it could have been a restrictive leather outfit she had on underneath.

Date 140

"Who said I'd lied to her?"

I'm not a big fan of coffee dates but relatively brief cafe meets like these are what they were made for.

I met this larger than life lady in a cafe along the seafront. All her profile photographs looked different but I knew it was her when she turned up as her booming voice, shock of ginger hair and garish dress sense gave her away. She had one of the loudest laughs I think I've heard before and I've met Brian Blessed!

She was quite an odd character and not really very self-aware. She also reminded me a bit like a female version of Colin Hunt from the Fast Show. We had a couple of cuppas then called it a day.

I'd noticed during the date that she was quite confrontational and when I got home she sent me a text rant about how I 'lied' about my height. Which is completely untrue. I'm 5'7'' and I can be a bit sensitive about being a shortarse because people have cancelled dates with me due to my height. There are also plenty of profiles that state they won't reply to messages from men under 6 feet. However, I always put my correct height on my profile as what's the point in being economical with the truth when Danny DeVito rocks up instead of the expected George Clooney?

When I assured her that's how tall I am, she backtracked a lot and said I couldn't help being that height. She also said she was a dickhead and couldn't help that either!

Date 139

"Who comes sliding down the banister?"

I'm all for a date being informal but I've never known anyone go to such little effort when supposedly trying to make a good first impression on someone. In fact if I ever write a book about dating (unlikely as I'm clearly so rubbish at it) then this would be covered in the chapter 'How not to get a second date.'

Initially this teaching assistant by day/polercise instructor by night had said she'd drive to Brighton to meet me but as she wouldn't be able to drink I told her that it was ok for me to get the bus to Eastbourne (where she lived) if she wanted alcohol. This was a bad plan on so many levels. It took me about 90 minutes door to door to get to her and as I've only been there a couple of times, I let her choose the venue.

To my horror upon arrival, she'd picked the shittiest Wetherspoons imaginable (this is a bit unfair as I once went to one in Kingston in which I was scared to go to the loo on my own), and this pretty much set the tone for the night. She informed me that she was coming straight from teaching a class, so I assumed she'd have had time to shower; but no. Up she rocked still in her sweaty kit and super-greasy hair (which in fairness was a common look in that pub that night). When I went in to kiss her on the cheek by means of a polite greeting, there was a smell emanating from her which I couldn't tell was B.O. or her really bad teeth.

I went to the bar to get us drinks and she ordered a pint of lime and soda, which came to a princely sum of 80p; so she wasn't having alcohol. We then ventured upstairs and before we'd even sat down she'd seen someone she knew and gone over to chat to her at another table. She was there a good 5 minutes and I was fully prepared to walk out at this complete lack of manners and awareness. As I'd just started my pint of Guinness, I decided to stay. When she did eventually wander back to me, I couldn't get a word in edge ways. Every time I tried to say something she'd turn the conversation round to something that had happened to her.

After about 20 minutes her friend then came over to our table and started chatting to her. At this point I went to the bar to down a JD & coke, as she was still on her lime and soda. I then popped to the toilet and upon my return, told her that I needed to get my bus home. Who would have imagined that an evening with a poledancer could be so dull!