Date 185

"They cannot touch you now."

My very first Lockdown date and it was pretty much business as usual.

I was genuinely really looking forward to this date, as we'd texted quite a lot beforehand, and she'd said that she was too. I was also a bit nervous about what happens on a date during a pandemic when you want to snog?

She drove from Eastbourne to meet me via seeing a friend nearby and parked down my street as I'm near the seafront and it was a ridiculously hot day and was close to 30 degrees. And what did she do upon greeting me? She ran up to me and said "I know we're meant to be social-distancing but it's rude not saying hello properly." Then she flung her arms around me and gave me a hug....

What the hell did she do that for? I'd only recently been allowed to hug my niece and sister days earlier as we'd formed a bubble. I was utterly shocked. Who else had she been doing that to? From our texts, I'd built up a clear understanding that she'd been obeying the guidelines. I'd witnessed people doing this as Brighton had largely ceased social-distancing when the first restrictions had been lifted after 6 weeks or so, but it really knocked me for 6 as I've not even been in a shop for 3 months. At least she didn't snog me though, I guess.

We'd pre-arranged to have a picnic of sorts and I provided the drinks and ordered an Indian takeaway from Deliveroo. As I was using my app, I paid for it and she said she'd go to a cashpoint and pay me back. She also had more food than me, so it wasn't cheap.

Besides the unsolicited hugging, she wasn't really quite what I expected either. Although we only had one alcoholic drink, as she was driving, I got the impression that she was a huge drinker. When we'd first messaged on Bumble, she'd asked if she could reply the next day as she was drunk and all her stories were about alcohol-related escapades. We've all got stories like that but she seemed to have more than most. It had also been her birthday a couple of days earlier and she sent me a photo of her presents, which were mainly all different varieties of bottles of Jack Daniels. There must have been about 25.

She did seem fun but I was still reeling from cuddlegate, so really wasn't sure about her.

After a few hours she had to get back and before she left she said instead of going to the cashpoint, she'd buy me a meal on our second date, which although presumptuous, was fair enough.

Over the next couple of days we texted as normal and on the Saturday night, she was having another birthday party at her house with friends from work. It started at 6pm and she was still drinking at 4am. This backed up my 'alcoholic' theory plus to pre-empt a recent statement by the Police Federation, I pondered the notion that "drunk people cannot socially-distance."

I know she was still drinking at that time as that was the last text that I received from her. I never heard from her again, which I thought might have been her suffering from Jack Daniels poisoning, but as she deleted me from Bumble, I believe she thought it was ok to ghost me. I did send another text which she didn't reply to either just to confirm my suspicions.

It's probably the case that I dodged a bullet due to various reasons but ghosting people after you've had food, drinks and even your parking paid for is just not acceptable. With unwanted physical human contact all I got in return.

Date 162

"Who will swallow whom?"

Being a little closer to home than London, though still not that near, we met in a really nice cocktail bar in Eastbourne, which was sort of halfway for both of us. However, the journey was worth it as we really got on.

We had lots in common in terms of music, tv etc. and she made it clear very quickly that she wanted to do very naughty things to me. The only factors which were going to be a challenge were her limited availability due to childcare commitments, as she was only free every other Saturday and Wednesdays, and even though we both lived in the same counties; we weren't that close distance-wise.

Our second date had been planned well but got off to an inauspicious start. I met her after work one Wednesday evening near her house and we got some booze and went to the chip shop, then onto her house. When we got to hers though, her ex-partner and the father of her child's car was parked outside. Although they'd been separated for quite a while, he's still got a key and even though he's meant to ring ahead, he apparently just turns up unannounced sometimes. She didn't want to go in with me in tow, and even though it's her house we had to go and eat our chips in her car along the seafront while the rain pelted down. Not very romantic.

He'd thankfully gone when we arrived back and so in order to make up for lost time we pretty much immediately went up to her bedroom and got down to things that couldn't be described as romantic either And it was great but we did get our wires crossed as I didn't know that I was meant to be staying the night as I'd assumed I wasn't as it was a school night and she had to get up for work at 6am the next morning and I had things on too. So, I went home that evening! If truth be told though, I was also a bit worried that her ex-boyfriend was just going to walk in on us unannounced.

That was actually the last time I saw her as it just became impossible to meet up as whenever she had a free Saturday for us to meet, I was busy. We kept in contact for quite a while but I think she got frustrated that I was never available or she met someone closer to home as things just fizzled out. If nothing else though, it did enable me to break my 18 month vow of celibacy.

Date 139

"Who comes sliding down the banister?"

I'm all for a date being informal but I've never known anyone go to such little effort when supposedly trying to make a good first impression on someone. In fact if I ever write a book about dating (unlikely as I'm clearly so rubbish at it) then this would be covered in the chapter 'How not to get a second date.'

Initially this teaching assistant by day/polercise instructor by night had said she'd drive to Brighton to meet me but as she wouldn't be able to drink I told her that it was ok for me to get the bus to Eastbourne (where she lived) if she wanted alcohol. This was a bad plan on so many levels. It took me about 90 minutes door to door to get to her and as I've only been there a couple of times, I let her choose the venue.

To my horror upon arrival, she'd picked the shittiest Wetherspoons imaginable (this is a bit unfair as I once went to one in Kingston in which I was scared to go to the loo on my own), and this pretty much set the tone for the night. She informed me that she was coming straight from teaching a class, so I assumed she'd have had time to shower; but no. Up she rocked still in her sweaty kit and super-greasy hair (which in fairness was a common look in that pub that night). When I went in to kiss her on the cheek by means of a polite greeting, there was a smell emanating from her which I couldn't tell was B.O. or her really bad teeth.

I went to the bar to get us drinks and she ordered a pint of lime and soda, which came to a princely sum of 80p; so she wasn't having alcohol. We then ventured upstairs and before we'd even sat down she'd seen someone she knew and gone over to chat to her at another table. She was there a good 5 minutes and I was fully prepared to walk out at this complete lack of manners and awareness. As I'd just started my pint of Guinness, I decided to stay. When she did eventually wander back to me, I couldn't get a word in edge ways. Every time I tried to say something she'd turn the conversation round to something that had happened to her.

After about 20 minutes her friend then came over to our table and started chatting to her. At this point I went to the bar to down a JD & coke, as she was still on her lime and soda. I then popped to the toilet and upon my return, told her that I needed to get my bus home. Who would have imagined that an evening with a poledancer could be so dull!

Date 119

"A friendship sadly lost?"

To me, living less than 20 miles away from a potential girlfriend is no distance at all. My last meaningful relationship involved going to North London every couple of weeks so I'm happy to travel. When replying to my first message on Plenty of Fish, Date 119 was up front and warned me that she wasn't interested in a long-distance relationship. My response was that we only lived 18.3 miles apart so then she said, ok, well if it doesn't bother you then lets meet up for a drink!

I was really excited about meeting up with her and as she lived in Eastbourne I said I'd venture over to her if she suggested a pub as I'd only been once or twice, so my knowledge of the place was virtually zero. I wanted to be on top form as well as I was keen to impress her...however, that bit didn't quite go to plan.

The previous night I'd been out with a friend in Hove, and there's no other way of putting this, but I got absolutely shitfaced. She put me in a taxi home but for some strange reason I asked the cab to drop me off at a village green about 15 minutes walk from my house. The next thing I can remember was being woken up by three young 'samaritans' at 4am asking me if I needed an ambulance...still on the village green! I can only assume that I passed out or just fell asleep. They at first thought I was a dog which I can only guess was because I had a furry hood on and a peak cap, and no doubt I was snoring my head off which probably sounded like growling. When they realised I was a male human, they actually dialled 999 as they thought I'd collapsed but I assured them that I was merely drunk so they cancelled the call. They then went above and beyond the call of duty by walking me all the way home. I was so grateful to them and feel very lucky that they found me as things could have been much worse. When I woke up the next day, I was so embarrassed as I'd never done anything like that before and have always managed to get myself home even when very inebriated. Besides guilt and embarrassment, my stomach didn't feel too good either. Luckily, I wasn't out until the evening so I stayed in bed for as long as I could but all I could manage to eat was a slice of toast and about 3 crisps all day. I was determined to go on my date though!

Door to door it took me about an hour and a half to get there. I also arrived about half an hour early so went for a stroll, then ordered a coke and sat in the pub, still not feeling great. Even though she lived about 10 minutes away she still managed to be half an hour late so I was in there quite a while, probably looking a bit worse for wear.

When she did rock up I wasn't disappointed, and forgive me for my shallowness, but she was the most beautiful woman I've ever met. Even though she was 49 and therefore 9 years older than me, she genuinely looked like someone in their mid-thirties. She was also the spit of Suranne Jones, which was brilliant as she happens to be a celebrity crush of mine. At various points of the night, I thought I was actually having a drink with the real Ms Jones, but this could have been down to the fact that I might have still been drunk from my previous night's escapades. For the rest of the evening I just had a water and a coffee and explained the reason for this, which she found funny. I think that that was a real disadvantage though as a combination of tiredness and sobriety probably didn't show me in a true light.

Besides this setback, I thought that we got on well, although we clearly didn't have the same music tastes. She asked me what I liked and I said The Smiths. She then went on to surmise that because of this I must like U2 and Coldplay as well. I stared at her blankly.

At the end of the night I got the impression that she wanted to see me again, however, when I texted her the next day, she said yes but only as friends. I was very disappointed but I said that was ok.

A week or so later I contacted her to see if she fancied visiting Brighton one evening. She said she would have done but she happened to be away when I'd suggested a night. A few days later she blocked me on Facebook despite there having been no further contact between us. I can only assume that she was offended by my profile picture which captures the moment that I met Brian Blessed, so she's obviously not a fan.

Date 99

"In my life, why do I give valuable time to people who don't care if I live or die?"

I met a beautiful, funny, kind, caring and wonderful woman four months ago and miraculously we're still seeing each other. As much as I've enjoyed writing this blog; it feels like it's come to a natural conclusion.

Thank you for all the positive feedback and encouragement that I received while writing this.

~

I wrote the above few lines 2 months ago as I believed at the time that this was the end of the blog, but sadly this turned out not to be case. I will now start from the beginning and attempt to unravel what happened.

I'd initially made contact with the subject of this piece in September 2014 through Guardian Soulmates and we exchanged a few messages. The emails then stopped abruptly and I assumed that she was bored of me. However at the beginning of December she contacted me again out of the blue and she asked me when I was going to take her out for a date! I later found out that she'd stopped contacting me because I hadn't actually asked her out early enough. I duly did, after being told to, and we met 2 days before Christmas Eve.

It turned out to be my favourite first date. It was absolutely perfect. I took her for hot chocolate and she gave me an early Christmas present (a chocolate orange and lottery ticket, what else were you thinking?) and said even if we had a crap first date, at least I'd remember her due to her gifts. We then went for drinks and a meal and we just clicked from the very beginning. We also both felt very comfortable with each other. It had been a wonderful evening and she asked me at the station about meeting for a second date. She did, however, provide me with a caveat in which she said that she was very busy with her job and two children and that she didn't have much spare time and thus our next date wouldn't be for a while.

We met for our second date 5 days later and slept together after a museum visit and dinner near where she lived. I didn't know sex could be that good. I'd never experienced such attentiveness or excitement. I told her this and she said that this was because no-one had ever made love to me before. I went home the next morning a very happy man, however, this was tempered by the fact that I wouldn't be able to see her again for another month.

This proved to be quite tough as I was desperate to see her again. It was also difficult because we'd text for a bit and they'd just stop from her. Just under a week before I was due to see her again I was out on a training run for the Brighton Half-Marathon and tore the ligaments in my right foot after going over on my ankle 5 miles in. We had been due to see Birdman at the cinema but I couldn't walk so she came over to mine, we watched a DVD and spent the night together again. The next day I took her out for Sunday lunch and we again agreed to meet a month later. However, things were easier in the intervening period as I told her that I was happy for there to be large gaps in between us seeing each other but I wanted regularish contact. This occurred and we texted every day even just to say good morning or good night.

I loved going to visit her, not only because of seeing her but also due to the fact that she had 4 cats, who would also sleep with us at night. I was truly in my element.

At this stage we'd also started writing to each other in the form of 'love letters'. She suggested it and she'd send me little presents and I'd do her mix-CD's and by now she'd also met my close family. The next time I saw her it had been Valentine's Day the day before. I didn't want to make a big fuss but I also wanted to do something, so I sent her a bouquet of anemones and put a note in them saying that I didn't know whether she was into Valentine's Day but I wanted to tell her that I was looking forward to seeing her the following day. When they were delivered she said that she began sobbing tears of joy and that my gesture had made her very happy. Her reaction also made me very happy.

Whilst I understood why we couldn't see each other as regularly as I liked, I understood the reasons, however, everything thus far had been on her terms. Then, with my birthday coming up, things changed for the better. On my actual Birthday I went to hers and we had a wonderful evening.

She really went to a lot of effort and bought me presents and cake and we had a lovely night together. A couple of days later she then had some unexpected free time and came over to mine again where we went for Thai and after spending the night together she let me know that she had feelings for me.

It was also at this time that she asked me to go to New York with her. Her sons were going to Japan for the Easter holidays and she'd planned to go to to America on her own, however, because things had been going so well between us, she wanted me to go with her. This was a massive step for our relationship and before we went we had the following text conversation:

Coupled with going to New York together, this appeared to me to be her saying she was wanting to change the boundaries and for us to move onto another level. How wrong I was...

I'd never been to New York before but we had a fantastic time. We also managed to see Birdman on the flight over, which we'd never got round to seeing first time around due to my foot injury. We stayed near Times Square in a lovely hotel and did all the touristy things like going to the Statue of Liberty, Central Park, Ground Zero, Museum of Modern Art etc. and I thought that we'd really got on well. We only stayed for 3 nights but we managed to fit in a lot and there was much laughter shared.

During the few days of us getting back I had little communication from her which got my Spider senses tingling. Then one morning she mentioned in passing in a text that she didn't think we could have a relationship together. I obviously pressed her on this and she became annoyed and said we couldn't talk about this whilst texting but we needed to talk face to face. All she could offer me was a meeting over a week later. I couldn't believe what she was saying so I asked her to elaborate. She gave in and said that New York had reinforced to her that she couldn't commit to a relationship and that all she could offer me was a really nice time every 6 weeks or so. I then found the next bit staggering:

The penultimate line there still hurts now when I read it. How can anyone be so lacking in empathy?
The conversation continued a bit longer until she reiterated again that she would rather talk face to face, but not before she made clear that New York hadn't been all that I thought it had been:

I was devastated and to make matters worse, we couldn't meet to discuss it for another 3 weeks!!! During this time I was upset and confused but I was also just about coping too and I refused to let it interfere with my life. In these 3 weeks she'd also ceased all contact with me which was hard to take. I'd become used to a lot of contact from her and besides letter writing and texting she'd also got in the habit pre-New York of ringing me every night on her way home from work and skypeing me every now and then.

The day I'd been dreading finally arrived and we met for brunch in Eastbourne, which is roughly half way between where we both live from one another. After we'd eaten we went for a walk on the beach and I just broke down in tears when we started discussing things. I never cry. I don't think I'd shed a tear for 6 years. I could barely get my words out. She hugged me for a bit and started crying too.

I asked her why things had changed so dramatically and she couldn't really answer me. She said she was sorry for sending out mixed messages but was doing what was right for her and that she is just crap at relationships. She also let slip that she had someone else who she saw off and on when they both had free time. She said we could be friends and left it up to me as to whether I wanted to contact her again and we parted amicably.

I was still feeling emotional on the way home but I also felt glad that I'd seen her face to face. She sent me a text that evening and said she didn't like seeing me sad and that she'd played a part in me feeling like that (erm, sorry, you merely played a part you say?). She sent me another text the next day and told me she wasn't the woman for me and that I should start dating again...

My emotional state meant that I couldn't articulate properly what I wanted to say to her in Eastbourne but I just think that she wanted to have her cake and eat it. Going to New York was clearly a step too far for her and the fact that she resented me being there is still hard to take. However, I still can't accept that a few days away together could change things so dramatically and I can't comprehend how she was so into me before yet now she wants nothing to do with me. I've no idea how you can say the things she said to me and then retract them at the drop of a hat. I'd like to think that I meant more to her than just an occasional shag and travel companion but the cynical side of me tells me that she got what she wanted from me and then bailed out.

It's not all doom and gloom though as I can take some good things from our time together as I learned a lot from her sexually and I also found out that I can be romantic and going away with someone other than friends and family was a massive leap for me.

Ultimately though, she really hurt me and although I have respect for her in meeting up with me to discuss things, the fact that she has other 'arrangements' with men means that I have no interest whatsoever in seeing her again. She also disliked The Smiths so there clearly was no future for us...