Date 100

"Why pamper life's complexity when the leather runs smooth on the passenger seat?"

I wanted to get back on the dating horse again after the New York disaster, so, where better to start than Tinder?!

On my first day back on it, I stumbled upon Date 99 during my search, so she was clearly looking for a new holiday companion. In all seriousness though, I was a bit upset in seeing her on there as she'd told me she didn't have time for relationships and she'd only finished with me a few weeks before, but I guess that's not what Tinder is really known for...

Anyway, it didn't take me long to get a date and I met up with a very sweet woman who'd only recently moved to Brighton after living overseas for the last few years. She even bought me a little present, a Lego figure, although I was devastated when I left it on a pub table! We got on really well, had a few drinks, went for a meal...then we ended up getting a taxi back to hers and sleeping together. This probably wasn't the best thing to happen but we'd been having such a good time that we didn't want the night to end. I even got a lift back home in the morning as she was driving near where I lived to go shopping, which was very kind of her. I did in my heart of hearts regret it though, and I shed a few tears when I got home as I'd just wanted to lose myself and forget about the previous weeks. I guess these things just happen sometimes though and I got carried away a bit.

We'd had a good time but in the days afterwards she began to get a bit passive aggressive. During a text conversation she sent the below, when I hadn't returned a compliment:

I didn't know how to respond, so I said nothing and a couple of hours later I received this:

I thought I'd leave it for a bit and then the next day she texted me normally as if nothing had happened. I was a bit wary of her as she sent me a few more texts like the above during the next week, however, we agreed to meet for another drink. We again had a good time but things just fizzled out and we never went out again.

Date 99

"In my life, why do I give valuable time to people who don't care if I live or die?"

I met a beautiful, funny, kind, caring and wonderful woman four months ago and miraculously we're still seeing each other. As much as I've enjoyed writing this blog; it feels like it's come to a natural conclusion.

Thank you for all the positive feedback and encouragement that I received while writing this.

~

I wrote the above few lines 2 months ago as I believed at the time that this was the end of the blog, but sadly this turned out not to be case. I will now start from the beginning and attempt to unravel what happened.

I'd initially made contact with the subject of this piece in September 2014 through Guardian Soulmates and we exchanged a few messages. The emails then stopped abruptly and I assumed that she was bored of me. However at the beginning of December she contacted me again out of the blue and she asked me when I was going to take her out for a date! I later found out that she'd stopped contacting me because I hadn't actually asked her out early enough. I duly did, after being told to, and we met 2 days before Christmas Eve.

It turned out to be my favourite first date. It was absolutely perfect. I took her for hot chocolate and she gave me an early Christmas present (a chocolate orange and lottery ticket, what else were you thinking?) and said even if we had a crap first date, at least I'd remember her due to her gifts. We then went for drinks and a meal and we just clicked from the very beginning. We also both felt very comfortable with each other. It had been a wonderful evening and she asked me at the station about meeting for a second date. She did, however, provide me with a caveat in which she said that she was very busy with her job and two children and that she didn't have much spare time and thus our next date wouldn't be for a while.

We met for our second date 5 days later and slept together after a museum visit and dinner near where she lived. I didn't know sex could be that good. I'd never experienced such attentiveness or excitement. I told her this and she said that this was because no-one had ever made love to me before. I went home the next morning a very happy man, however, this was tempered by the fact that I wouldn't be able to see her again for another month.

This proved to be quite tough as I was desperate to see her again. It was also difficult because we'd text for a bit and they'd just stop from her. Just under a week before I was due to see her again I was out on a training run for the Brighton Half-Marathon and tore the ligaments in my right foot after going over on my ankle 5 miles in. We had been due to see Birdman at the cinema but I couldn't walk so she came over to mine, we watched a DVD and spent the night together again. The next day I took her out for Sunday lunch and we again agreed to meet a month later. However, things were easier in the intervening period as I told her that I was happy for there to be large gaps in between us seeing each other but I wanted regularish contact. This occurred and we texted every day even just to say good morning or good night.

I loved going to visit her, not only because of seeing her but also due to the fact that she had 4 cats, who would also sleep with us at night. I was truly in my element.

At this stage we'd also started writing to each other in the form of 'love letters'. She suggested it and she'd send me little presents and I'd do her mix-CD's and by now she'd also met my close family. The next time I saw her it had been Valentine's Day the day before. I didn't want to make a big fuss but I also wanted to do something, so I sent her a bouquet of anemones and put a note in them saying that I didn't know whether she was into Valentine's Day but I wanted to tell her that I was looking forward to seeing her the following day. When they were delivered she said that she began sobbing tears of joy and that my gesture had made her very happy. Her reaction also made me very happy.

Whilst I understood why we couldn't see each other as regularly as I liked, I understood the reasons, however, everything thus far had been on her terms. Then, with my birthday coming up, things changed for the better. On my actual Birthday I went to hers and we had a wonderful evening.

She really went to a lot of effort and bought me presents and cake and we had a lovely night together. A couple of days later she then had some unexpected free time and came over to mine again where we went for Thai and after spending the night together she let me know that she had feelings for me.

It was also at this time that she asked me to go to New York with her. Her sons were going to Japan for the Easter holidays and she'd planned to go to to America on her own, however, because things had been going so well between us, she wanted me to go with her. This was a massive step for our relationship and before we went we had the following text conversation:

Coupled with going to New York together, this appeared to me to be her saying she was wanting to change the boundaries and for us to move onto another level. How wrong I was...

I'd never been to New York before but we had a fantastic time. We also managed to see Birdman on the flight over, which we'd never got round to seeing first time around due to my foot injury. We stayed near Times Square in a lovely hotel and did all the touristy things like going to the Statue of Liberty, Central Park, Ground Zero, Museum of Modern Art etc. and I thought that we'd really got on well. We only stayed for 3 nights but we managed to fit in a lot and there was much laughter shared.

During the few days of us getting back I had little communication from her which got my Spider senses tingling. Then one morning she mentioned in passing in a text that she didn't think we could have a relationship together. I obviously pressed her on this and she became annoyed and said we couldn't talk about this whilst texting but we needed to talk face to face. All she could offer me was a meeting over a week later. I couldn't believe what she was saying so I asked her to elaborate. She gave in and said that New York had reinforced to her that she couldn't commit to a relationship and that all she could offer me was a really nice time every 6 weeks or so. I then found the next bit staggering:

The penultimate line there still hurts now when I read it. How can anyone be so lacking in empathy?
The conversation continued a bit longer until she reiterated again that she would rather talk face to face, but not before she made clear that New York hadn't been all that I thought it had been:

I was devastated and to make matters worse, we couldn't meet to discuss it for another 3 weeks!!! During this time I was upset and confused but I was also just about coping too and I refused to let it interfere with my life. In these 3 weeks she'd also ceased all contact with me which was hard to take. I'd become used to a lot of contact from her and besides letter writing and texting she'd also got in the habit pre-New York of ringing me every night on her way home from work and skypeing me every now and then.

The day I'd been dreading finally arrived and we met for brunch in Eastbourne, which is roughly half way between where we both live from one another. After we'd eaten we went for a walk on the beach and I just broke down in tears when we started discussing things. I never cry. I don't think I'd shed a tear for 6 years. I could barely get my words out. She hugged me for a bit and started crying too.

I asked her why things had changed so dramatically and she couldn't really answer me. She said she was sorry for sending out mixed messages but was doing what was right for her and that she is just crap at relationships. She also let slip that she had someone else who she saw off and on when they both had free time. She said we could be friends and left it up to me as to whether I wanted to contact her again and we parted amicably.

I was still feeling emotional on the way home but I also felt glad that I'd seen her face to face. She sent me a text that evening and said she didn't like seeing me sad and that she'd played a part in me feeling like that (erm, sorry, you merely played a part you say?). She sent me another text the next day and told me she wasn't the woman for me and that I should start dating again...

My emotional state meant that I couldn't articulate properly what I wanted to say to her in Eastbourne but I just think that she wanted to have her cake and eat it. Going to New York was clearly a step too far for her and the fact that she resented me being there is still hard to take. However, I still can't accept that a few days away together could change things so dramatically and I can't comprehend how she was so into me before yet now she wants nothing to do with me. I've no idea how you can say the things she said to me and then retract them at the drop of a hat. I'd like to think that I meant more to her than just an occasional shag and travel companion but the cynical side of me tells me that she got what she wanted from me and then bailed out.

It's not all doom and gloom though as I can take some good things from our time together as I learned a lot from her sexually and I also found out that I can be romantic and going away with someone other than friends and family was a massive leap for me.

Ultimately though, she really hurt me and although I have respect for her in meeting up with me to discuss things, the fact that she has other 'arrangements' with men means that I have no interest whatsoever in seeing her again. She also disliked The Smiths so there clearly was no future for us...

Date 62

"If you're so very entertaining,

then why are you on your own tonight?"

This date pretty much sums up the pitfalls which can occur with internet dating and why a lot of the time it can be a frustrating and not very pleasurable experience.

My 3rd date from OKCupid and one that really came out of the blue. She messaged me first which was surprising as I hadn't logged on at the site for a few months so I'm amazed that I cropped up in her search. Anyway, her mails were the funniest I've ever read and we shared a love of Forbrydelsen (the Danish tv police drama phenomenon translated as The Killing) amongst other things, so I was intrigued. She even compared herself to Forbydelsen lead character, Detective Inspector Sarah Lund, by claiming that she owned an extensive range of knitwear and had a great arse in jeans, which was a bit cocky to say the least.

After a few days of exchanging really, very funny e-mails, she sent me her mobile number and told me to call her one night which was very forward of her. I'm not particularly fond of talking on the phone at the best of times, so speaking to a complete stranger and potential date was a bit nerve-wracking. I rang her anyway and we had a good chat although neither of us mentioned going on a date as I think maybe we were both waiting for the other to ask and I couldn't gauge whether she wanted to or not. I left it about a day then asked her about meeting up and she agreed thankfully and started texting me a fair bit.

We met up at a bar and she was one of the most confident and self-assured people that I've ever come across, which was plainly evident when she started happily conversing with a German party in their native tongue, whose reserved table we were temporarily trespassing on.

I've said this many times before, but from my point of view we got on really well as she was hilarious. I also thought she liked me too when at one point she said: 'I'm sorry, but I have to say this. How the hell are you single as you're really interesting and fantastic company?! You're not married are you?!' I didn't really know how to respond but surely that's a good sign if someone says that you on a date, right?

I, therefore, thought that there would be a good chance of us meeting again. How wrong I was. I messaged her a couple of days later, after not hearing a peep from her, to enquire about a second date and she completely ignored it and I never heard from her again. Whilst it's disappointing to receive a message back saying 'no, thank you,' it's much more preferable to being met with stone, cold silence. Honesty is always the best policy as you can't expect every girl to like you so that's fair enough, but when you've actually met someone in person and they know that you're waiting to hear back from them, then to say nothing is just bloody rude and very arrogant. She works for a major bank in the city and is obviously experienced in screwing people over, so I clearly got served by a true playa.

UPDATE (February 2012): About 5 months after our solitary date, I was having a quick browse on OKCupid. I happened to see her profile and decided to click on it for a bit of a nose and it transpired that she was now living in New York. The next morning there was an email waiting in my inbox from her telling me about her big move and asking how I was. I didn't really want to reply but because I have manners (unlike her): I did.

I happened to mention that I was now on match.com. She then went on a bit of a rant about how I should be going to gigs and meeting women rather than bothering with dating sites and that said sites don't work as they're more geared towards social networking than finding romance.

I have to say that what she said makes sense particularly the social networking part, however, there are a number of points where her argument falls down slightly. Firstly, why is she still actively using a dating website if it's so easy to acquire dates from other means. Secondly, when using these sites I've always believed that you should treat others as you'd liked to be treated yourself, therefore, not replying to someone after a date even just to say 'no, thank you' is really bad form and a perfect example of how so many people just see internet dating as a big game. Thirdly, how difficult is it to meet girls at gigs? I go to a lot of gigs with friends, where I catch up with them and we watch the band in question. How is it possible to start going round a venue and chatting women up with a band performing and the music blaring out. It's difficult enough trying to get a good position to see when it's packed, then when the gig is over there's a mad scramble to get out of the door. And finally, my sister and another friend of mine are both in happy and long-term relationships with men they've met off Guardian Soulmates. Whilst I believe they are in the minority and have been extremely lucky; they are proof that dating sites can work as you usually meet people you'd never normally come into contact with.

Oh, well, it's probably just as well that we didn't go on that second date after all...