Date 34

"Pretty girls make graves."

I was absolutely enchanted by this date from the first moment I met her. We met for lunch and drinks at a pub in Richmond and spent the whole afternoon and early evening drinking lots of red wine, and at one point I spilt some over both of us, which was such a terrible waste and also said a lot for my inebriated state. She was one of the funniest people I've ever met and a typical straight talking Yorkshire lass. As a bonus she was one of the most beautiful people I've ever laid eyes on.

We had a really great time together and as she'd worked most of her life in the music industry, I was fascinated by all the anecdotes that she regaled me with including one in which she'd been given a kettle by James Brown and she still used it.

Things had gone well and she agreed to another date a week or so later in Wimbledon. We had another fun evening and she suggested for our next date that we could go to an exhibition at the British Museum that she was desperate to see and she'd make me dinner afterwards. Although, I felt things were going well I still was apprehensive as I'd been here before. And I was proved right.

I received a one line e-mail from her the next day saying she just wanted to be friends. I can't emphasise enough how extremely disappointed I was but I was not at all surprised. I replied to her after thinking about it and said I'd be happy to be friends as I appreciated her honesty. I never heard from her again or got to see the Godfather of Soul's kettle.

Date 33

"Hand in glove."

Not that much to say about this Middlesbrough woman apart from the fact that she gave me the most amazing put-down line. We shared a couple of pleasant drinks and she was a Smiths and Pixies fan, which is always a positive way to get on my good side, and she had a cracking sense of humour. One thing that did alarm me slightly was the fact that I couldn't take my eyes off her enormous hands. They were huge. They were 'man hands.' Sean Hughes was actually sitting near us, so he must have noticed them too. When we were saying goodbye at the station she said she'd call me, and when she hadn't after a few days I dropped her a text and asked if she'd be up for date number two. And then came the moment of pure comedy gold. She said: 'There will be no second date because I'm looking for Mr. Right.'

Date 32

"I don't owe you anything."

The first date with this Manchester City supporting woman technically ended up with her not turning up. She cancelled our first couple of dates due to various reasons then we eventually agreed to meet at a coffee bar locally on a Saturday morning as she was going to see Metallica in the evening. I'd heard nothing the night before, but bizarrely my internet connection went at around midnight. Normally before I go on a date I check my e-mails in case they cancel and she of course had previous. However, because my wifi still wasn't working the next morning I was unable to do so. I had given her my mobile number though (she hadn't given me hers), so I assumed she'd contact me by phone or text.

Anyway, I got to said date location bang on time. There was still no sign of her half an hour later. When it had got to her being an hour late I knew something was up. I then rang up a friend and got them to log onto my Soulmates profile and there was a message from her sent the previous night at about 1am cancelling on me. I was pretty livid, but by the same token if my internet hadn't gone then I would have got the message, however, to cancel at such short notice was ridiculous and the fact that she didn't contact me on my mobile was just thoughtless.

I decided to give her another chance though, and we met up for a drink at a local pub eventually. It was a very pleasant evening and she was good company, and as I saw her onto the bus she shouted out that she'd e-mail me.

I hadn't heard from her for a few days so mailed her instead and she agreed to a second date. She then cancelled on me another 2 or 3 times (as had become the norm) but we met up for lunch one Saturday afternoon and it was pretty good fun. As I waited with her at the bus stop I asked her about the possibility of a third date and she said 'yes' and told me to ring her in the week. I did so and it went straight to voice-mail so I texted her instead. She took a week to reply and said she was busy.

I then waited another week to get in contact and she replied with 'actually, I've decided I'm not ready to be dating, so can we be friends?' I never responded.

Date 31

"And when I fell on the floor I drank more."

Another date and another Geordie lass.

We'd had a lot of contact beforehand via e-mail and our first date was really good fun. She asked me at the end of the night if I wanted to go to see her best friend sing at a gig the next night and I accepted her invitation.

The second date was a bit weird as I didn't really get to talk to her much as all her friends were there and as I'd only met her the previous night I felt a bit uncomfortable because of the fact that I barely knew her, yet was hanging out with her nearest and dearest. The alarm bells then started to ring on the train home as she bombarded me with a mountain of texts telling me how much she missed me.

We didn't see each other again for a week or so but during the intervening period I was feeling increasingly suffocated by her. Her texts, phone calls and e-mails became relentless. It got to the stage where she was actually texting me every 5 minutes, and if I didn't reply to one within a few minutes she'd just keep on sending them regardless.

The third date also involved going to see her best friend gigging again, which wasn't ideal, but we had a meal and drinks beforehand, and it had got to stage where I thought that I should tell her to slow down a bit as I felt she was coming on too strong, considering we'd only been on two dates. Although, I did have a frank chat with her, the rest of the evening didn't quite go to plan, and this is best summed up with this excerpt from an e-mail I sent to one of my friends:

"I had a chat with her last night and told her that the incessant texting was making me uncomfortable and I also told her that things were going a bit too fast and that at this early stage I didn't want to make promises to her that I couldn't keep. Then I got absolutely hammered, fell over, was in no fit state to get home on my own and ended up sleeping with her..."

That is essentially what happened and the whole evening was a bit of a blur. I was very drunk, which is extremely rare for me as I really can hold my alcohol very well, and at one stage I can remember her pushing me onto one of the sofas at the gig venue. She then proceeded to straddle me and she pinned my arms down so that I couldn't move and started kissing me but I can't remember for how long. I imagine that any on-lookers who spied us must have shared my fear.

I obviously felt really bad the next morning and a bit regretful, but sometimes these things happen and I was a bit appalled by my behaviour.

We'd agreed to meet up again to go to the cinema, but a few days before this I just felt that I had to speak to her as I just knew that things weren't going to work out for us as I knew that she really liked me but I just wasn't feeling the same towards her. In the end I rang her up and told her what I felt and that I just wanted to be friends, and to give her enormous credit, she acted in a very mature manner and took it in a very adult way. She also appreciated my honesty.

We then hooked up a few days later and went to the flicks to see The Damned United and had a meal afterwards. Things were a bit awkward at first but as the evening progressed we got on well. I also felt so guilty that I paid for the cinema tickets and the meal. We haven't seen each other since, however, I know that I made the right decision.

Date 30

"Oh, I'm too tired. I'm so very tired."

Another strange girl. We'd actually talked a lot by e-mail during the initial stages of when I had first started seeing date 28. We seemed to have a lot in common particularly in terms of films and she seemed lovely. She asked me out for a date and I really wanted to meet her but as things were going well with 28 I thought long and hard and I had to politely decline her request and I explained to her the reason and she was fine about it. In retrospect this was a bad move but as I'm a very honest person and a man of principles I thought I was doing the right thing.

After things had ended with 28 I thought that I had nothing to lose so I got back in contact with this lady and explained the situation (without going into detail) and that if she still wanted to then we could meet up. To my surprise she actually said 'yes.'

All in all it was quite a disappointing date. Just as I was on my way to meet her she texted me to tell me she was going to be late. I wasn't too pleased as I live out in the sticks and she hadn't given me any notice. I was actually drawing some money out from a cash machine at the time and such was my annoyance that I walked off without my £40, which was obviously not there when I went back to retrieve it a few minutes later after realising my absent-mindedness. Luckily, I'd remembered to bring a book this time but unluckily she was about one and a half hours late. I thought we got on quite well but after a couple of drinks she said she was really tired, which actually wasn't surprising as it was near the end of the evening as she'd arrived so late.

I asked her there and then if she wanted another date and she said she was going to be honest with me and she said that she had another date the following night but she'd e-mail me the next week anyway. I knew from that moment that I wouldn't see her again but I thought she could at least have given me another chance as she'd arrived so late. I realise I messed her around to an extent after initially turning her down but that wasn't my fault and in my mind I was being loyal to 28.

Anyway, she e-mailed me the following week and said she'd had a lovely evening and wished that we'd met as friends as she thought we'd have been great mates, but she said that she thought I probably wasn't looking for any new friends as I was on a dating website and I probably had enough already. I replied to say I'd be really happy to be mates and I never heard from her.

This was a real shame as I thought that she was lovely. She'd also waxed lyrically in her initial e-mails about the fact that her favourite party game was Smiths charades, but unfortunately I never got to ask her about it, which was disappointing too.

Date 29

"Nowhere fast."

My first date after bitch 28. Although I wasn't in the mood for dating I'd reasoned that it would take my mind off things. As it happened it was a very swift date that lasted a couple of drinks with this woman who was originally from Bolton. She was quite funny so I texted her afterwards about a second one and she said 'yes,' but in a week's time. So I texted her back a week later about it and she simply said 'I'd rather not.'

Date 28

"Last night I dreamt that somebody loved me."

My first date of 2009 and things couldn't have got off to a better start.

She made contact with me first and before we actually met we'd had a huge amount of communication between each other by e-mail and text. As it turned out I asked her out for a drink on Christmas Eve and she was overjoyed, and so was I. Because of the Christmas/New Year interruption we eventually met up on the 2nd of January and it turned out to be the most perfect first date I'd ever had.

I knew as soon as I saw her that I fancied her and to say that there was a spark between us was an understatement. It was a purely magical evening and to cap things off she asked me back to hers, which in terms of first dates has never happened to me before or since. We also drank a huge amount and by my reckoning we started at 6pm and finished at 4am (without any food), which is no mean feat. The next morning we had to get up reasonably early as she was visiting her parents in Kent and we both had horrendous hangovers, which was to be expected. So, we both went our separate ways.

She texted me on the way home and sent me a beautiful message about how wonderful the previous evening had been and how we had to see each other again as soon as possible. I then got another text from her later on in the day asking if I wanted to go back to hers that night. I was actually in bed nursing THE hangover from Hell, and I was also coming down with a cold, so I was feeling doubly awful. Thus, I had to decline, but if I'd had any energy left then I would have been over like a shot.

We then met up again a couple of days later as she'd invited me round for dinner and she made me the most amazing meal I've ever tasted. She was an astonishingly talented cook and I also bought her flowers too, which she was overjoyed with and I have to add that I've never felt compelled to do this for anyone else. We had another sublime evening which ended with us dancing (a rarity for me as I never, ever dance) around her lounge with her flatmate until 4am, absolutely hammered on red wine on a school night.

I then saw her a day later and she cooked for me again and we drank and drank and things were going much better than I ever could have believed they would. This went on for just over a month where we'd see each other every other day and I was happier than I'd ever been in my life, which really is no understatement.

One evening we were due to go and see Slumdog Millionaire but when we got to the cinema there was such a big queue that we decided to just go back to hers and indulge in her favourite pursuit of drinking lots of red wine late into the night. I was still at the stage where I would get butterflies in my stomach when I saw her and we, again, had another lovely night where she made it clear that we were now in a proper relationship and bizarrely spoke about our future a lot and even mentioned babies (weird, I know) and then the next day we kissed good-bye at the station and went our separate ways as had become the norm. This, dear reader, was the last time that I ever saw or spoke to her.

This was a Thursday morning and everything had seemed normal. She was going away on the Friday morning to Vienna for a weekend away with her flatmate but she'd be back on the Sunday so I told her to give me a ring when she got back, which she said she would. She then texted me during the day and told me to organise something for us for when she got back that didn't involve alcohol as she quipped that she wanted me to see her sober for once! I duly went away and pulled in a big favour from one of my best friends and acquired two tickets to see her beloved Arsenal play.

Sunday came and this had been the most time we'd not had any contact between each other. I didn't hear anything from her but wasn't too concerned as I thought maybe she'd got back late or something. The next day I hadn't heard anything from her but just assumed she was busy at work. Then I checked my Facebook in the afternoon and she'd managed to put a mountain of photos up from her weekend away. I still hadn't heard anything by the evening so sent her a text. She took an age to reply and sent back a bizarre response saying she was feeling a bit weird but she was out in Wimbledon (more than likely on a date) and would contact me the next day. The next day I didn't hear anything either and so I rang her that night. It went straight to voicemail so I left a message just asking her how she was and how her trip had been etc.

The next day came and still nothing. It got to the afternoon and I thought things were getting ridiculous so I mailed her telling her that I'd got us tickets to see Arsenal and was she free on that date. Then a couple of hours later she sent back a reply telling me it was over.

She sent me the most patronising and insensitive e-mail I've ever received. The gist of it was that she didn't think it was going to work between us but she said she didn't know why. It was all over the place and she even admitted that it was very cowardly of her to jettison me by e-mail, but it still didn't stop her! She also told me how sweet it was of me to get her Arsenal tickets and that I should go anyway to see a team that I didn't support. She signed off by saying 'take care and I really do mean that as I think that you're lovely. P.S. I'll send you back your Twin Peaks DVD' (I've never been able to watch it since). So, in other words 'run along now, silly boy.'

I was completely devastated as I just hadn't seen it coming. I replied that night to her with tears streaming down my face. I kept the response very structured and wrote it in what I'd term as 'controlled emotion,' as I needed answers. She never replied to it.

I sent her a very brief message a few days later after hearing nothing, telling her that we needed to talk about things. I received a very terse and short reply saying that she'd ring me at the weekend. She never did.

I was by this time in complete shock and I'd stopped eating completely and I couldn't stop crying. My whole world had come crashing down but I didn't contact her. Other aspects of my life hadn't been going great and this tiny glimpse of happiness I'd experienced probably magnified the hurt I was feeling as the rug had well and truly been pulled from beneath me in the most abrupt manner possible. A month had passed of tears, little food and no contact so I e-mailed her a very casual request asking her for my DVD back. She replied the next day, apologising, and that she'd send it back. True to her word I received it from her the next day and she enclosed a bizarre typed letter just saying thanks for lending me the DVD (I hadn't lent it to her as we'd been watching it together when I was over at hers) and a few other banal things. It was very impersonal as if she was writing to a stranger, and she never once asked how I was. I replied to it that evening by e-mail and kept things very light as I didn't want to let on how much she had affected me and asked her a few things such as how her job was going etc. Suffice to say; I never got a response.

The next few months were much the same in that I was eating very little and losing weight fast. I was still inconsolable and my nadir came when I broke down in Waitrose of all places; I just couldn't come to terms with it all and I never got any answers as to what had happened (and I never will). In the end and a good 5 months later I snapped out of it and began to live my life again. I think some people reading this will think this was an overreaction on my part but I'd never felt this low after a relationship break-up and probably never will. I didn't foresee it at all and my body just shut down. There were no signs that anything was wrong and everything had always been on her terms and she was the one who'd always text and e-mail me a million times a day and not the other way around and she was very intense. I adored her and she knew it, plus this was a 34 year old woman not a teenage girl. I really beat myself up about it as I thought I'd done something wrong, but, as one person said to me it said a lot more about her than it did about me.

In hindsight I should have known better than to have started anything with a red wine swilling Tallulah Bankhead (the original femme fatale and her ultimate obsession and heroine) wannabe, but you live and learn. It's now been a long time since it happened and although I'm to all intents and purposes over her; I still feel very hurt and think of her longingly in my weaker moments. It's also changed me as a person as where previously I used to be an open book, I'm now the absolute antithesis in that I've become very guarded.

"Girlfriend in a coma."

Bizarrely in the May of 2009, completely out of the blue, my beloved Newcastle United were relegated from the Premier League (not a great year for me). The first text I received offering condolences was from her. I'd long deleted her number from my phone but I recognised it and all it said was 'sorry.' She was of course referring to my team's demise and not the pain she'd put me through. I was a bit tipsy and so shocked to hear from her that on the way home on the train I replied and we got into a bit of banter about the football. I then texted her again a week or so later and asked her if she fancied coffee. She replied instantly within a few seconds and said 'yes' although not for a couple of weeks as she was busy. I ,therefore, waited patiently and contacted her again to arrange things. She never did get back to me...

Date 27

"We tried and we failed."

My first date for 6 months and my last of 2008.

Despite the fact that we actually went on three dates I can only remember that this woman had a fascination with all things Germanic.

She was very nice and pleasant company but we didn't really click and it was very evident on the third date that nothing was going to happen between us, but we at least both gave each other a chance.

Date 26

"That joke isn't funny anymore."

I thought I'd really get on with this lass, mainly due to the fact that she was a fellow Geordie, but sadly it wasn't to be.

She cancelled our first two meetings due to illness and then I didn't hear from her again for a couple of months, but she still seemed very keen to hook up and we eventually did.

Unfortunately she was very grumpy, completely devoid of anything resembling a sense of humour and clearly didn't want to be there and the date only lasted a couple of drinks, and that was that. She also informed me that another date (a much older gentleman) was taking her out for dinner the following night; lucky him.

Date 25

"I grabbed you by the guilded beams, that's what tradition means."

Yet another false dawn again. Myself and the lady in question had been e-mailing each other for ages before we agreed to meet up for a drink and when we eventually did it was a fantastic evening.

We seemed to click instantly and we had a fantastic night of laughter and copious amounts of alcohol was consumed. I thought I'd finally found someone who really liked me, judging by all the compliments I was getting and when we were finally about to go our separate ways she said to me that she'd been wondering all night when I was going to kiss her. I duly obliged as I'd been wanting to but didn't know whether it would have been appropriate or not, such is the shy gentleman that I am. This act of lust went on for such a while that I nearly missed my last train home and in the end I actually only just made it onto the last carriage when I begged to be let on and some kindly inebriated young chaps took pity on me and hauled me on just before the doors closed.

I texted her the next day to say what a great evening I'd had and received quite a cool reply which surprised me but we met up again for a second date a couple of weeks later. When we hooked up for the second date she, again, seemed initially cool but as soon as the alcohol flowed she seemed a lot more comfortable and as had happened on our first date; she grabbed me just before I got on my train home and kissed me on the station concourse while disgruntled travellers kept pushing and shoving our selfish selves locked in a passionate embrace.

She then disappeared for a month or so when I never heard from her (despite contacting her), which I found most odd, but then as luck would have it; I won two tickets to see a CSS gig (absolute gold dust) and I asked her to join me for what would be our third date, and she duly accepted. Yet again, we had a fantastic night: CSS were of course superb (one of the best live bands I've ever seen) and afterwards we went to a pub in Camden to sample their finest beers and wines. Then, as was now becoming common place, she grabbed me before I got on the tube to bid me a very fond farewell and she told me to contact her to make plans for our fourth date (unchartered territory for me thus far).

Sadly, the fourth date never happened. I texted her a couple of days later and heard nothing then received a call asking me to ring her back for a chat. I did so, fearing the worst, and she said she just wanted to be friends as she didn't feel that there was a spark between us and she didn't feel that we had anything in common, plus she wanted to settle down and she got the impression that I didn't want to.

In all honesty she had a point and I wasn't actually that disappointed that she'd 'dumped' me, although it's never nice to be rejected. I did actually feel extremely aggrieved that she hadn't mentioned anything before the CSS gig though, as in retrospect I think that she would have known then that it would have been our last date and that she just went along with it to go to the gig with me.

I've never seen her again and I did feel a tad bitter that she took me for a ride because there were so many other people whom I could and would rather have taken to see CSS. I respect her honesty completely, as we probably weren't right for each other (we did get on though) but I think that was out of order on her part.

Date 24

"Upon the sand, upon the bay."

This was a bit of a strange one.

She had initially cancelled our first date due to work commitments and then I didn't hear from her again for ages. So, out of the blue she contacted me again to re-arrange the date a month or so later.

We'd had quite a lot of contact beforehand via phone and e-mail but I was still quite nervous, and if I'm honest my nerves never really went all night and I actually felt a bit intimidated by her, although I'm not sure why. All in all though, we had a really good night and finished things off with a couple of tequila shots each, which I hadn't done for years. I felt that things had gone sufficiently well for there to be another date and this was strengthened by the fact that she texted me the next day and we had a bit of banter, then inexplicably she stopped texting me. I hadn't heard anything for a couple of weeks so I e-mailed her to ask her if she fancied another date.

She then left me hanging on for another few weeks and replied by saying that she'd met someone else so she didn't want to see me again.

As an aside; during our date we'd gone down to the 'beach' part next to the river at South Bank and she'd written our names in huge letters in the sand and then took a picture of it. With the e-mail she'd sent saying she didn't want another date she sent me the pic and said it was also her screen-saver. I found that quite strange considering she wanted nowt more to do with me.

Date 23

"They said there's too much caffeine in your bloodstream."

A super fast date here, so not much to tell apart from the fact that her exit strategy was genius. She kept checking her phone as, according to her, her friend was close to going into labour. As it happens when we'd finished our second drink she got a call to say her friend was about to give birth so she made her excuses and left, and I obviously never heard from her again. One lesson I will take from this date, however, is never to drink two lattes in a row. As we weren't drinking alcohol I got confused when she offered to buy me a drink after I'd bought her one and so I said 'same, again, please.' Big mistake, as a few hours later I was climbing the walls thinking I was going to go into cardiac arrest, such were my dangerously high caffeine levels. I was actually genuinely concerned until it wore off several hours later. I'm so Rock 'n' Roll.

Date 22

"Oh, I don't want to go out tonight."

This is becoming a bit of a recurring theme on my part, but my only recollection about this next one was that she had blonde hair and liked Radiohead. I suppose it was the 22nd girl I had met, so I can be excused for a bit of memory loss.

Again, we got on quite well and to be honest as I hadn't had much luck in the past, I was quite surprised when she wanted to go on a second date.

The second date proceeded in much the same vein as the first and we got on pretty well again and we agreed to a third date at the cinema. This never materialised however, as she cancelled on me at the last minute on two or three occasions and then she disappeared. I wasn't too bothered, if truth be told, but I would rather she hadn't messed me around towards the end. Although the fact that I can't remember much about her, despite going on more than one date probably speaks volumes.

Date 21

"I didn't realise you wrote such bloody awful poetry."

This woman had a penchant for rhyming couplets and therefore all our communications prior to the date had been via the medium of poetry. That's about as much as I can remember about her as we had a couple of drinks, got on pretty well, but as had predominantly been the case so far, she didn't want another date, and told me so the day after by rhyming verse.

I wasn't really bothered, but one thing that did annoy me was that when I asked if she wanted another drink (just before we left) she said she'd better not as she had another date the next night. Gee, thanks...

Date 20

"That's the story of my life."

Again, a fun afternoon and evening of food and drink spent with this next date. And, again; I never saw her for a second time.

I mailed her a day or so after and I was quite disappointed when she made it clear that she didn't want to go on a second date as I was quite attracted to her and thought we'd got on well, but at least she was honest. Oh, well. Next!

Date 19

"Heavy words are so lightly thrown."

I used to be addicted to Scrabulous (RIP) on Facebook and I'd mentioned this on my Soulmate's profile. This person mailed me first saying how she liked the much missed word game too (pretty good ice-breaker I'd say) and so we started playing it on FB and then decided to meet as she seemed quite keen to do so.

I didn't really actually see meeting her as a date as such, but I was more than happy to hook up for a few drinks. It was a pretty pleasant afternoon and she was good company but we didn't really have very much in common.

She politely mailed me the next day to say she didn't think there was a spark and when I replied in agreement she said she was relieved that I felt the same way. We stayed in touch for a bit but never saw each other again in any capacity.

Date 18

"I just might walk home alone."

My first date of 2008 and what a rude bitch. During our first drink she happened to spy a friend of hers sitting at the opposite side of the pub and waved to her. After a few minutes they then start texting each other, which is a tad disrespectful to say the least. After moving onto our second drink she then suggests we go and join said friend but I didn't want to, which surely is fair enough on my part as this was a date. I then asked her if she wanted another drink and she told me that her friend was going home so she was going to share her cab with her round the corner. Outside, she said it was lovely to meet me and I just said 'yeah' and trudged back to the station. The conversation wasn't really going anywhere and I don't know if she knew her friend was going to be there, but surely some basic manners wouldn't have gone amiss as I'd made the effort to meet her in a pub much closer to where she lived than I did.

Date 17

"Because the music that they constantly play, it says nothing to me about my life."

My last meet in 2007 and initially things looked good.

The first date went well and we had a good laugh sharing a few drinks. We had a second date a few days later and a strange thing happened outside an Italian restaurant we were eating at. We both went outside for a smoke and she grabbed me and kissed me (my first Soulmates kiss!). Things were most definitely looking up...that is until the third date.

We met for a drink quite late on a Friday evening and I sensed something was up. As we were leaving she said she just wanted to be friends because I wasn't as well travelled as she was and she felt she couldn't talk to me about the different places she'd visited as I hadn't been to them. I was quite disappointed, and even though I perhaps wasn't that into her; rejection still hurts. The next day I felt rubbish when I woke up and to compound things further I received a phone-call that morning to say my Grandfather (whom I was extremely close to) had died a couple of hours earlier. I wasn't in a great mood that weekend, but luckily I was working the Saturday and Sunday so it took my mind off things.

After mulling over things for a day or so I actually was very impressed that she was honest with me, and in retrospect she was absolutely right so I completely respect her for making that decision.

Things then took another twist as we decided to stay friends and we met up the following week. After getting absolutely hammered I ended up going back to hers and staying the night (I know, I'm such a slut). I think seeing her again made me realise that things wouldn't have worked between us as she wouldn't stop going on at me that I should grow out of my immature stage of being obsessed with music and films. These are two interests I have that are very close to my heart and I don't see liking them as being a sign of immaturity. Waking up in her bed to Magic FM playing it's rotation of easy listening shite the next morning compounded my beliefs that she'd made the right decision to jettison me.

We hooked up a couple of times after that, then she went back-packing for a while and I never heard from her again. It was fun while it lasted but ultimately we really weren't right for each other and it came to a natural conclusion.

As a footnote to this, before I met her, she'd been on TV in a few quiz shows and had got down to the last 20 contestants for The Apprentice (thus meaning she sadly didn't get to criticise Baron Sugar of Clapton's music tastes in the boardroom), which is quite an impressive feat. And a year or so after we'd gone our separate ways, she appeared on Countdown several times, therefore, making her the first and last last celeb to go out with me.

Date 16

"Well, I wonder."

Funnily enough, I actually used to be a work colleague of this person, although she didn't know that when she mailed me first. We'd never worked that closely together but she recognised me when we met up, and it's probably fair to say that I remembered her more due to the fact that she had been highly coveted by most of me and my former male colleagues.

We spent the whole afternoon and evening together at a restaurant and various bars in Richmond and got on fantastically. It probably helped that we vaguely knew each other from the dim and distant past, so we initially had a lot to talk about in terms of reminiscing about ex-colleagues etc. and mutual friends. Besides that, though, we had a right laugh and the conversation never dried up. So much so that she told me she wanted to see me in a few days time for our second date and go to the cinema to see Control.

That second date never happened as when I texted her a day or so later to arrange things, she'd changed her mind and told me that she just wanted to be friends as she was getting back with her ex-boyfriend, which made me wonder why she'd been on a dating website in the first place. I told her I didn't want to be just friends with her and we stayed in touch for a bit but I never saw her again. Things may not have worked out in the long run, anyway, as she'd let on that she was a big UB40 fan and that revelation was quite hard to swallow, and it wasn't even a guilty pleasure (which I have many of)!

Date 15

"But, she doesn't even like me. And I know because she said so."

Shared a pleasant couple of drinks with this ukulele or banjo player (I can't remember which). I'm not sure why I contacted her a couple of days later to see if she was interested in another date (probably more out of politeness), but I did anyway and she said "No, as I really didn't fancy you." Although this was an honest response, I thought it was bit rude to say the least, so it was probably just as well that I didn't fancy her either.

Date 14

"Oh, very nice, very nice, very nice."

Very nice person and we had a couple of drinks and a good chat, but there definitely wasn't a spark. Again, there's not that much I can remember about her apart from her waxing lyrical about Dexy's Midnight Runner's front man Kevin Rowland.

I was very impressed with her honesty when we parted ways as she said that she'd be very happy to stay in touch as friends. As it turned out we didn't, but I found it refreshing that she was up front about things.

Date 13

"The air hangs heavy like a dulling wine."

I thought that a first date with a bi-sexual writer/director of porn films would be nothing if not interesting, sadly, it turned out to be very dull and very short. We met quite late in the evening so I'd already had my tea but she hadn't so she wanted to go to a restaurant. While I watched her eat a starter and main course, I only had a starter and because I was wanting to make a good impression I went halves on the bill (I'll never do that again). I asked her about her job, hoping she'd tell me some amusing anecdotes but she said "I don't want to talk about it as it's just a job, would you want to talk about yours?" I said: "Yes, I'm quite happy to." But I never got any interesting titbits out of her. We then went onto a bar and I bought the first round. After our first drink she asked whether I was staying for another one and I replied in the affirmative assuming she wanted to buy one for me, but what she actually meant was, was I staying at the bar on my own as she was going home. I wasn't into her at all and I assumed that she wasn't into me but bizarrely she kept contacting me in the aftermath, but I only ever replied to her in a polite manner as I hadn't enjoyed the evening at all.

Date 12

"Nobody ever looks at me twice."

Another local lass and we got on like an absolute house on fire. It was one of my best and most fun first dates so far and we spent a good 4 or 5 hours drinking. While I'm not sure that there was real chemistry between us I thought that there was a good chance of a second date mainly because on the walk to the station, where I got her a cab, she kept going on about hooking up again.

I contacted her a day or so later and she told me she was busy for the next week, so I got in touch again a week later and never got a reply. There was definitely a common theme developing here.

Date 11

"I touched you at the sound check; you had no real way of knowing."

Again, I had really high hopes for this date as we'd mailed quite a bit beforehand and she was a Smiths/Morrissey obsessive (I am too, but not in any shape or form in the same league as she was!).

We had a couple of drinks together and she was a very nice person but there wasn't a spark at all. She was also good company and regaled me with stories about all the places around the world that she'd travelled to in order to see Morrissey play gigs. She also informed me that she owned a piece of Moz's shirt and from this she'd also identified which aftershave he wears, which was impressive and scary at the same time.

We stayed in touch for a while but never saw each other again.

Date 10

"Hand it over. Hand it over. Hand it over."

This was a really nice evening, although she was a bit lethargic having turned up very hungover from the night before and stopped drinking alcohol after a pint.

I found her extremely attractive and great company although I'm struggling to remember much more about her. The highlight of the night was definitely a Hen Party on the next table. They were doing dares and asked me for my sock, which I was reluctant to hand over, but they promised to give it back. Unfortunately, the over exuberant bride to be got a bit carried away and threw my sock over the wall onto the sand below and an ashen faced friend of hers came over, almost in tears, to tell me the bad news and profusely apologise. I just laughed and said it was fine as long as she bought me and my 'friend' a drink each, which she did. Later on in the evening the inebriated bride to be came over with my retrieved sock and for the rest of the evening proceeded to shower me with all the other socks she'd managed to collect from other men so by the end of the night I had a huge stockpile. Suffice to say I left them behind but stuffed my own in my bag.

At the end of the evening I walked her to the tube station and she asked if she could text me so I would know that she got home safely and she did. Then, true to form, I contacted her a few days later to ask about another drink and she told me she was busy and I never heard from her again.

Date 9

"Seems...fair enough."

Another very quick date after work. We both lived/worked locally to one another so met for a coffee.

She was very pleasant company but there wasn't any spark. She told me to mail her again to hook up for a drink which I did but got no response. I mailed her again a month or so later and she told me that a relative of hers had died so she didn't have time for dating, which was fair enough.

Date 8

"Golden lights, it's a terrible shame."

The shoe was most definitely on the other foot this time.

We agreed to meet beforehand for coffee and to then go to the flicks afterwards, which isn't always the best thing to do on a first date when you can tell instantly that they're not for you and then you have to spend the next few hours in an enclosed space with a virtual stranger. She was a perfectly nice person, and the film was pretty good, but we had nothing in common and to make matters worse her favourite Smith's song was 'Golden Lights.' (I mean, come on!).

Surprisingly, I actually made a very good impression on her as she wanted me to go to a gig with her the next night: I politely declined her offer, and that was that.

Date 7

"Oh, Manchester. So much to answer for."

Things didn't get off to a great start with this one. We'd agreed to meet in a bar in Clapham after work then just as I was getting off the train she called me to say she was going to be late due to delays. I told her that was fine and went into the bar to get a drink thinking she'd turn up soon. The pub was absolutely rammed and I ended up standing in it for an hour on my own; so by the time she arrived I was a couple of drinks ahead. To be fair it wasn't her fault and she was very apologetic, but from that day forth I am never without a book or magazine for those awkward, lonely moments.

I knew instantly when I saw her that I was very attracted to her and she had a beautifully understated Mancunian accent. I can't really remember that much about her other than that her favourite band of all time was New Order (a stock question of mine), but after having a few drinks with her and keeping the conversation flowing; I thought that there was a really good chance of a second date.

I texted her the next day and she took a few days to reply, but when she did she made it clear that she didn't want to see me again. I'm glad she was honest, but I remember being very disappointed too.

Date 6

"Deep in the cell of my heart, I will feel so glad to go."

This will go down as my shortest and possibly THE shortest date in history as it barely lasted 30 minutes.

I hadn't really exchanged many e-mails with the person in question, but it had transpired that she knew one of my musician friends as they'd done some session work together. I, therefore, had mentioned her to said musician buddy and she'd informed me that date number 3 from Soulmates was 'lovely.' With this endorsement in mind I thought that things might go well; how wrong I was.

After recognising her at our meeting place, I went over and introduced myself and I was instantly taken aback by the look of horror in her face. She was simply aghast. I'd like to add at this point that I'm certainly not under the illusion that I resemble Marlon Brando in his heyday, but I'm hardly Joseph Merrick! Plus, everyone I have ever met off Soulmates have always said how I look exactly like my profile picture, so it's not as if I'd incorrectly marketed myself as looking like Brad Pitt.

Things hadn't got off to a great start and they got even worse when, after buying her a drink, the conversation completely dried up after about 10 minutes as she seemed completely uninterested by anything that I had to say and she just stopped talking and turned to simply stare at the Thames. During this uncomfortable silence, which probably lasted a few minutes but seemed longer, I was frantically trying to come up with an escape plan, when thankfully she averted her gaze from the river view and said she had band practice and had to leave. I was relieved and couldn't get back to the station quick enough.

On my way home on the train, I texted my musician friend to tell her about what had happened and she simply replied with 'oops,' which said it all!

Date 5

"Yes, I know my luck too well. And, I'll probably never see you again."

I spent a really good evening in a few bars with date number 2 from Soulmates and we really did get on very well.

We went to the cinema for our second rendezvous to see This is England, which was an inspired choice. She then cancelled our 3rd date at the last minute and I never saw her again after she informed me that she was actually only ever looking for friendship on Guardian Soulmates.

We kept in contact for a bit and I subsequently found out from her that she'd met someone else in between our first 2 dates (whom she'd started a serious relationship with) but she'd forgotten to tell me, which was a shame as I really liked her a lot.

Date 4

"This Charming Man."

This was my first date since I'd joined Guardian Soulmates, and although it wasn't my first experience of internet dating; I was still reasonably new to the whole thing.

If my memory serves me right then it was Good Friday in 2007 and I'd had to go into work in the morning, which was just as well as it took my mind off my inevitable nerves. All in all, it was a very pleasant afternoon and evening involving various bars and a restaurant, although to be honest I can't actually remember much about her apart from her love of quizzes.

Anyway, at the end of the day I walked her to the bus stop and waited for her to board her bus, such is the gentleman I am, and she told me to contact her in a week about arranging a second date. I duly obliged and heard nothing back, so waited another week before texting her again, which again resulted in no reply, so I gave up.

Bizarrely a couple of weeks later I received a text from her asking me what year did Abba win the Eurovision song contest for 'Waterloo, ' so I googled it and texted her back that it was 1974. And that was the last I heard from her, so at least I possibly helped her win a pub quiz if nothing else. I was a little confused by this strange behaviour, but not too bothered, however, this was to prove to be the shape of things to come in my quest.

Date 3

"For message received, loud and clear."

It was now Autumn 2006, and being the glutton for punishment that I am, I went back to Love at Lycos for one more date.

I'd had a lot of contact with this person beforehand via phone and email so I wasn't nervous at all as we seemed to have developed a good rapport, even though we didn't have much in common. We agreed to meet for our first date at a pub on Oxford Street and I was amazed when she came up to me as she looked absolutely nothing like her profile pictures (I think she'd had them professionally done), and if I'm completely honest, as first shallow impressions go, I was a bit disappointed. I feel a bitch for saying this but she was unrecognisable, and although I'm no George Clooney, my profile photographs are always up to date as what's the point in being deceptive about one's appearance when it's going to be the first thing that someone notices (or in my case didn't notice as I didn't know it was her) when you meet them?

Putting all this aside though, we did actually get on very well and I actually really enjoyed the evening so we mutually agreed to meet for a second date.

Date number 2 started off at the London Aquarium, in which I was mesmerised by their wonderful collection of sharks, and it ended back at her place...

She was originally from Essex and a nurse, and lived with one of her colleagues, which made it all the more surprising as to how much her flat resembled an absolute pig-sty. Being in possession of a Psychology A-Level I think that I'm more than well qualified to theorise that this was them rebelling against their workplace being so sanitised and clean. There were discarded pizza boxes, clothes, underwear, full ash-trays and junk just strewn everywhere and they were both so lazy that instead of tidying up, they just made little walkways amongst the rubbish to navigate through.

Despite this, I did enjoy her company as she was a very fun and caring person and we actually went out for a couple of months, taking in the sights of London Zoo, Camden, Southbank and her bedroom along the way. Then one day, after spending the night at hers, we arranged for our next jaunt to involve taking in the London Dungeons. However, when I tried to contact her later, I was met with a wall of silence, so after a week or so of trying to get hold of her and being ignored, I just took the hint, left it and never saw or heard from her again. I also left the world of internet dating for another year until I discovered Guardian Soulmates...

Date 2

"I say no, you say yes, and you will change your mind!"

Fast forward to 2005: my second internet date and my first taste of using a pay site. On this occasion I signed up with Dating Direct and after using it for a month with little success; I never tried it again.

Anyway, to the date itself. We started off by having a couple of coffees followed by a spot of lunch on Richmond Green. Coincidentally, an ex work colleague of mine happened to be there too, and she told me afterwards that she kept looking over at us to try and get an idea of how things were going and that there appeared to be quite a few periods of silence, which probably says it all.

I can't actually remember much about the afternoon, but at the end she asked me if I wanted to go and see War of the Worlds with her for our second date. I said 'yes' but when I contacted her a day or so later, she'd changed her mind and didn't want to see me again, so that was that and I didn't go on another date until over a year later.

Date 1

"This Night has Opened my Eyes."

Back in the heady days of 2004 I went on my first internet date EVER! And after this experience I'm actually amazed that I went on any more.

Internet dating was very much in its infancy and far from socially acceptable or the norm that it is today. The site in question which I used for my first jaunt was called Love at Lycos, and it actually no longer exists. It was a free website and in the days before sites like Facebook and MySpace, it was a bit of a pioneer in terms of social networking, as, although it was primarily a dating site, it contained a lot of the same features as the aforementioned sites, such as a 'wall' to leave comments on and picture sharing capabilities.

Now to the person in question. On paper it should have been a match made in heaven, though in reality it was far from it. She was originally from Leeds, a producer on 6music (also very much in its infancy) and a huge Smiths and Morrissey fan. So far, so good, I hear you say. Well, that's what I thought, but before I even met her, there were a few warning signs.

The first time the alarm bells started ringing was when she sent me some pictures of her. We'd been in contact for a week or so and she didn't have a profile picture, so she sent some to my email address one day. Before you think that I was put off by her appearance then you're way off the mark as she was quite attractive, however, as I was at work that day, I didn't get the chance to reply until I got home that evening. By which time, along with the email with her pictures, she'd sent a couple more emails asking me why I hadn't replied instantly and that she'd presumed that I hated them etc.

I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt on this occasion, however, something similar happened a couple of days later. In the job I was in at the time, I worked for a Government department and because of security reasons, it was impossible to get a phone signal inside due to the windows being bomb proof. Consequently, we'd been texting each other when I was outside during my lunch hour, then I went back to my desk and didn't switch on my phone again until I was walking to the tube at home time and awaiting me was a stream of texts demanding to know why I was ignoring her! I decided to be very firm with her and explained the valid reason I had by not replying to her texts, but I was starting to get the distinct feeling that she was a tad insecure... Anyway, I'd already agreed to meet her by this time and thought what the hell.

As this was my first experience of meeting anyone for an internet date, I was extremely nervous in the days leading up to it. I'd also told all my work colleagues about it, but because internet dating was quite a new thing, I'd not told them where I'd 'met' her (and I never did), although they may have guessed as I was very vague about it at the time.

So, the big day arrived and we met at Waterloo station before going to Covent Garden and finding a decent enough pub. The first hour went really well as we just talked about music and we seemed to be getting on well. However, things soon changed when she uttered the now immortal phrase (well, I can still remember it clearly): "I don't want to talk about The Smiths anymore, I want to talk about US!!!!!"

Obviously, I was very much taken aback by this as I'd only met her in the flesh an hour before and she wanted to talk about our 'relationship.' I have to also add at this point that although I can remember quite clearly some of the things she said to me, my memory is a little hazy in terms of the timeline of these utterances as it was nearly 7 years ago.

Some other things I recall her saying to me involved her stating that if we went out then I wouldn't be able to have any close female friends, which would have been a big problem as the majority of my friends are female, and I think it was at this point that she even said to me that she could see that I was a bit shocked and that I could leave if I wanted. As it happened we did leave soon afterwards because she was due at 6music's Steve Lamacq's DJ night, but not before she pushed me up against a wall outside the pub and forcibly snogged my face off.

She then embarked on a trip to Australia for three weeks a few days later and on her return, late one night, she sent me a text asking if she could ring me. I'd been working late that night so had gone to bed when I got home as I was absolutely knackered, and because of this I replied explaining the situation and I asked if we could speak the next night because I was so tired, which I genuinely meant as I was quite prepared to talk to her. However, she texted back saying that she got the message and that I'd never hear from her again. Okay...