Date 187

"The sun shines out of our behinds."

After getting nowhere on other dating apps, I made the decision to go back to the dark side and join Plenty of Fish. It's a strange site and not one I've had much luck on in the past. The last couple of times I've ventured back, I've ended up deleting my profile after a couple of hours and vowing to never return.

This time around it's been the same as nobody replies to my messages but I think that's possibly because I'm not the man that women are looking for if the live feeds are anything to judge by; but more of that later.

This date was very quick. We met for coffee and she looked nothing like her pictures. I knew she was a few years older than me but the photos on her profile were quite possibly ten years out of date. When she approached me at our meeting place, I half thought that she was a stranger about to ask me for directions, such was the difference in likeness. Also, her profile said that she liked the occasional cigarette, however, her hacking smoker's cough told me otherwise. So, unusually for me, I made my excuses and left after a solitary mocha.

Getting back to PoF then. The site now has a live streaming section where potential dates get on cam and in theory communicate to potential dates, but it's not private and anyone can observe and even interact. Except, that doesn't appear to happen. In reality, it's mostly used for potential suitors to get high with other people whilst listening to grime music at full blast. I've never streamed on it myself, but I dip in and out for the novelty value, and I don't even think that people are on there to date. I've witnessed people taking drugs, film themselves driving, at work, at the pub, having arguments, have their family members join in. It's endless and I've even shown a couple of friends and they're shocked at the way people are willing to broadcast their car crash lives for all to see without being embarrassed. Has anyone else witnessed this? Is this just another medium to be attention-seeking with reality tv shows on hiatus? Are narcissists born or made?

Date 163

"If they dare touch a hair on your head I'll fight to the last breath."

Yet again, I had to venture to London for a date but as this Audi TT driving hairdresser lived in Essex;  it was equidistant for both us and not just a trek for me.

She was really nice and I really fancied her but I don't think there was probably that mutual spark between us. Having said that it was a pleasant evening along the Southbank involving drinks and a meal and we got on well, and even shared a kiss at Embankment Station. She also informed me afterwards that my beard was very ticklish.

I tried to organise a second date, and although we chatted a lot via text, she kept being vague about meeting up and in the end she asked if we could be friends. The distance between us probably would have been problematic but we're still sort of in touch if you can class her occasionally liking my Instagram posts as us being bosom buddies.

Date 33

"Hand in glove."

Not that much to say about this Middlesbrough woman apart from the fact that she gave me the most amazing put-down line. We shared a couple of pleasant drinks and she was a Smiths and Pixies fan, which is always a positive way to get on my good side, and she had a cracking sense of humour. One thing that did alarm me slightly was the fact that I couldn't take my eyes off her enormous hands. They were huge. They were 'man hands.' Sean Hughes was actually sitting near us, so he must have noticed them too. When we were saying goodbye at the station she said she'd call me, and when she hadn't after a few days I dropped her a text and asked if she'd be up for date number two. And then came the moment of pure comedy gold. She said: 'There will be no second date because I'm looking for Mr. Right.'

Date 5

"Yes, I know my luck too well. And, I'll probably never see you again."

I spent a really good evening in a few bars with date number 2 from Soulmates and we really did get on very well.

We went to the cinema for our second rendezvous to see This is England, which was an inspired choice. She then cancelled our 3rd date at the last minute and I never saw her again after she informed me that she was actually only ever looking for friendship on Guardian Soulmates.

We kept in contact for a bit and I subsequently found out from her that she'd met someone else in between our first 2 dates (whom she'd started a serious relationship with) but she'd forgotten to tell me, which was a shame as I really liked her a lot.