Date 168

"And I naturally fled."

I don't like to use expletives in my blog posts unless I really have to, but FUCKING HELL!!!

This was possibly my quickest date and I couldn't wait to get away. There were some very major red flags about this person and I nearly didn't go on this date and wish I hadn't. After exchanging a couple of messages on Bumble, she said she'd just joined and wondered if I'd be free on Sunday to meet for drinks and stated a venue and time. She looked nice and we seemed to have a lot of things in common. For some reason though, I wasn't looking forward to meeting her.

And on the morning of the date I received this very odd message:

I found this very full-on and asked her what bereavement had to do with anything. She responded with:

I told her that my Mum had passed away last year so if that was an issue then we should probably cancel. She told me that she only meant partners or spouses...

I reluctantly agreed to meet up (probably because I'm too polite) and she changed the venue and moved the time forward. At this point I was getting the feeling that she liked to be in control.

I was bang on time and she was 10 minutes late and if she hadn't come up to me I wouldn't have had a clue that it was her as she really didn't look like her pictures and hadn't made any effort to look remotely smart, despite telling me in an earlier text that she scrubbed up well.

There was just something not right and I really wanted to go home, but we went for a coffee and she announced to me that although she had put on her profile that she was 42, she was actually 47 and that she'd put that because she could carry off that age. She couldn't. I was also a bit scared of her as she reminded me looks and personality wise of a former friend who I'd managed to remove from my life due to her her toxic narcissism. 

She also claimed to be an actress and had an LA drawl, having lived there briefly. All the while we were chatting awkwardly I was trying to pluck up the courage to leave after one drink but I didn't need to as she asked for the bill and told me we didn't have any connection. She must have seen the fear in my eyes, even though I was wearing sunglasses. 

However, we did part ways very amicably and she said there was hope for her yet as I'd proved to her that there were normal men out there but she needed to take a break, as her first foray into online dating (all 3 days of it) had worn her out. 

She didn't like The Smiths either.

Date 167

"I'm just a country mile behind the world."

Finally a date in Brighton! I decided to have a brief dalliance again with Tinder. With 'brief' being the operative word. Tinder is widely thought of as a hook-up site but I'm clearly doing things wrong as I've only ever had standard dates on it.

This woman was very hard to get much out of but we swapped numbers and arranged a first date. Which was no easy thing to organise either. The only time she was free to meet was 9pm on a Thursday evening in Hove. She dismissed the first pub I suggested out of hand, claiming it was too middle-aged; which it really isn't, but she settled on my second choice.

I live a bit out in the sticks so aimed to get to the pub for 8:45pm. On the bus I got a text from her at 8:30pm saying she'd be getting there at 9:30pm. No apology or asking if that was ok for me, just stating a fact. So I went for a wander down by the seafront to kill some time.

When she arrived she looked absolutely stunning and had really made an effort but didn't like my choice of table and didn't say sorry for being late. She didn't drink either so had 2 orange juices and the date finished at 11pm. It was fine but she came across as really ditzy and I got the impression that she was just living in her own little bubble with not much idea what was going on outside of her life.

I did fancy her though and texted her the next day to see if she wanted to go out for dinner. She said yes but only if we could do it again on a Thursday night at 9pm (9:30pm probably in reality) as she had Zumba. The place I had in mind closed at 10pm so that wasn't an option so I left it with her. Meeting for dates only on late Thursday evenings did seem odd.

Eventually she got back to me a few days later on a Tuesday and said she was free that night so I booked a table at a Tapas restaurant for 8pm. She arrived still speaking on her phone, which made for an awkward minute or two, and her eye make-up had all smudged due to the positioning of her mobile. I did tell her so she rushed up to the toilet to put it right.

We had a lovely meal and she was really impressed with the food and restaurant. She did seem really young for her age though and quite immature. Although she was nearly 39 and only a few years younger than me, she could easily have been in her early 20's, which she constantly spoke about. She also seemed to be really out of touch with things: bemoaning her flatmate for shopping online, which she'd never done before and she'd never used a streaming service like Netflix and didn't really know what one was. She didn't like alcohol, coffee or tea either.

I never normally do this but I paid for her dinner. I'd had a glass or two of wine and she was only on orange juice so it seemed easier too. Again it was a brief date too as she didn't want to go elsewhere afterwards so it lasted the same time as the first one.

I contacted her the next day and asked her if she wanted to come to dinner at mine sometime and she sent this reply:

Unsurprisingly, when I suggested a couple of dates for her to come over, she didn't open them in Whatsapp and I never heard from her again. Which, is probably just as well as my cooking is shite.

Date 166

"Her skirt ascends for a watching eye."

London was my destination again, but as she lived in Kent it was halfway for both us and it was also a really good first date. Things had gone really fast as we'd only been chatting for about a day when she asked if we could meet and we did a couple of days later after a lot of texting.

I really fancied her straight away, although at one point I thought she'd done a runner as she went to the bar and took her coat and bag and 15 minutes later she hadn't returned. She then reappeared and said there'd been an accident behind the bar in which a load of glasses had been dropped. The bar staff initially had told her to wait but eventually suggested she use a different bar, which was when she came running out to ease my abandonment fears as she was worried that I thought she had left me. During her bar wait an odd man came up to her to ask how long she'd been waiting...hold that thought.

After having a few more drinks at one of the BFI's other bars we made our way out to get something to eat and a man came running after us shouting: "Daleks! Daleks!" We all just looked at each other for a few seconds and he said we looked like two people he'd seen watching a Dr Who film that had just been shown. And yes, he was also the odd man who'd been talking to her at the bar. He walked off in a very disappointed manner and we just had a bit of a giggle, whilst making our way to Ping Pong, which pretty much blew her away.

After a bit of a snog at Victoria Station we made our separate ways home. Although we'd got on really well I wasn't sure how much she liked me. However, over the next week we texted constantly and she even rang me up a few times for a chat. Due to childcare responsibilities she only had every other weekend and Wednesdays free so we couldn't see each other for 10 days as the following Saturday night she was seeing Bon Jovi...well, no-one's perfect.

It was great being in so much contact and she'd always tell me how my texts always made her smile and laugh and we shared a very similar dark sense of humour.

On her next free Wednesday we met in London again and I took her to a really posh French steak restaurant in Soho, which she loved. She looked beautiful too (which I told her) and said that she was going to wear a very sexy outfit but decided against it due to the unseasonal gale force winds...damn the weather!

After the meal we went to the pub next door and pretty much snogged the whole time and did so back at Victoria Station. Things seemed to be going well.

The next night I went into London again with a Brighton friend to see Adam Buxton's BUG so I told her all about my last couple of dates with the Kent lady. Just before I'd met my friend, I'd received a text from my date asking what I was up to and asking about my day.

On the way home I hadn't heard from her again in response, and it was quite late at night. She was still online, which was unusual for her as she normally went to bed early. She hadn't replied to my text though and was quite vague when I sent her another one. Though nothing was obviously wrong, I had a bad feeling. The sort you get when you've had a lot of contact with someone and you get used to their habits and nuances.

I then didn't hear from her for the next three days. This was extremely unusual and I feared the worst. I knew what was coming but I waited to see if she got in touch with me.

On our dates she'd told me some interesting stories about her marriage and previous relationships. Apparently her ex-husband had been very controlling and it sounded like it hadn't been a happy one for a while, but she was shocked when he asked for a divorce. Another recent relationship she'd been in was with a cocaine addict. Initially she'd get worried and paranoid if she hadn't heard from him for 12 hours. Then he'd go missing for days and he eventually confessed that he'd been on cocaine binges with prostitutes, however, he convinced her that he'd just take drugs with them and nothing else, which she believed. She kept giving him chances but he'd keep go missing again and finally admitted that he'd also been having sex with the hookers. This is when she broke things off.

After feeling quite sad from not hearing from her for a few days I texted to see if everything was ok. She replied instantly and said they were but she'd been too busy to text me. I then asked if everything was ok between us and she said no. She said that I made her smile and laugh and that she wanted there to be fireworks and that I wasn't her 'forever guy.' I said that's fine but we'd had two really good dates and that it was pretty uncool to just not to say anything. She apologised and said our chats and dates had been great and she should have said something. I asked her what she wanted to do and she said call it a day and I agreed and that was that. Everything was amicable but I shouldn't have had to have contacted her for the privilege of finding out that I'd been dumped. I was also very confused as to how she'd gone off me so quickly.

I was deeply disappointed but 'drowned my sorrows' by scoring some coke and partying with some escorts.

Date 165

"You won't see me anymore."

I was really looking forward to this date and I think that she was too as she'd already mentioned things we could go and see if the first date went well. Alas, it wasn't to be. I always try to keep my feet on the ground before meeting someone but when they appear excited I think I get carried away a bit, especially as we'd been texting a lot beforehand.

This date, of course, took place in London again...I think we'd agreed to meet at 8;15pm but on my way there from Brighton she texted me to say she'd missed her train and didn't rock up until 9pm. She lived 20 minutes away and my journey was over 2 hours door to door so I just had to go for a wander until she turned up.

Due to her lateness we couldn't get into the restaurant that we were intending to go to but found an ok replacement nearby. I thought we got on really well and she regaled me with stories about how she hung out with New Order as she'd worked on a documentary about them, and we planned to go and see the Stanley Kubrick exhibition at the Design Museum.

However, I had to leave at around 10;30pm to make my trek back to the south coast, although I'd loved to have stayed longer. I felt very positive about how it had gone but those vibes were short-lived as she texted me the next night to say she liked me but probably said something about there not being a spark. I was definitely disappointed and a bit surprised by this but she was very up front and I can have no complaints because we had a nice, if short, evening and she was completely honest with me. Cowards and 'Ghosters' take note.

We texted for a week or so afterwards and did make plans to go to that exhibition but we never did and I stopped hearing from her.

Date 164

"Give up education as a bad mistake."

Another date in London to continue my run and l'm at quite a loss to explain why I can't seem to meet anyone in Brighton.

This person was an incessant texter and most of her messages were surreal streams of consciousness, and at times I struggled to comprehend what she was on about. So, we spoke a lot by text before we actually met, and she's a teacher which made me a bit wary as I've got a really bad track record when it comes to dating women from that profession.

We met for drinks, and I think food as well, and it was fine and she was nice. She had a fairly strong Irish accent but a really, really deep voice which threw me initially as I wasn't expecting it at all. She also had a very strange, somewhat quirky dress sense.

I certainly had my doubts but she said she'd come to Brighton to see me as she was very appreciative that I'd met her in London, which was good of her.

In the days before the second date, I have to confess that I wasn't looking forward to it. I wasn't really nervous, but I just wasn't excited. However, it was a pleasant way to spend a Sunday afternoon as we went for a roast, went for a long walk by the sea and had ice cream. There just wasn't any chemistry between us though and I was going to text her to tell her this afterwards but she actually got in before me and said as much on her way home. It was all very mature and amicable, which isn't so common these days.

Date 163

"If they dare touch a hair on your head I'll fight to the last breath."

Yet again, I had to venture to London for a date but as this Audi TT driving hairdresser lived in Essex;  it was equidistant for both us and not just a trek for me.

She was really nice and I really fancied her but I don't think there was probably that mutual spark between us. Having said that it was a pleasant evening along the Southbank involving drinks and a meal and we got on well, and even shared a kiss at Embankment Station. She also informed me afterwards that my beard was very ticklish.

I tried to organise a second date, and although we chatted a lot via text, she kept being vague about meeting up and in the end she asked if we could be friends. The distance between us probably would have been problematic but we're still sort of in touch if you can class her occasionally liking my Instagram posts as us being bosom buddies.

Date 162

"Who will swallow whom?"

Being a little closer to home than London, though still not that near, we met in a really nice cocktail bar in Eastbourne, which was sort of halfway for both of us. However, the journey was worth it as we really got on.

We had lots in common in terms of music, tv etc. and she made it clear very quickly that she wanted to do very naughty things to me. The only factors which were going to be a challenge were her limited availability due to childcare commitments, as she was only free every other Saturday and Wednesdays, and even though we both lived in the same counties; we weren't that close distance-wise.

Our second date had been planned well but got off to an inauspicious start. I met her after work one Wednesday evening near her house and we got some booze and went to the chip shop, then onto her house. When we got to hers though, her ex-partner and the father of her child's car was parked outside. Although they'd been separated for quite a while, he's still got a key and even though he's meant to ring ahead, he apparently just turns up unannounced sometimes. She didn't want to go in with me in tow, and even though it's her house we had to go and eat our chips in her car along the seafront while the rain pelted down. Not very romantic.

He'd thankfully gone when we arrived back and so in order to make up for lost time we pretty much immediately went up to her bedroom and got down to things that couldn't be described as romantic either And it was great but we did get our wires crossed as I didn't know that I was meant to be staying the night as I'd assumed I wasn't as it was a school night and she had to get up for work at 6am the next morning and I had things on too. So, I went home that evening! If truth be told though, I was also a bit worried that her ex-boyfriend was just going to walk in on us unannounced.

That was actually the last time I saw her as it just became impossible to meet up as whenever she had a free Saturday for us to meet, I was busy. We kept in contact for quite a while but I think she got frustrated that I was never available or she met someone closer to home as things just fizzled out. If nothing else though, it did enable me to break my 18 month vow of celibacy.

Date 161

"Some girls are bigger than others."

I got a feeling straight away with this date that she wasn't for me, which doesn't happen that often as I fancy most women I meet at first. I made the trip to London again to meet for drinks along the Southbank, which I don't mind as I like an adventure and Southbank is one of my favourite places, plus I can't seem to get any dates near to me, so needs must.

It was a pleasant couple of hours with her but that's sometimes the downside of travelling for dates as if it had been in Brighton, I think I would have left earlier but wanted to make the most of my £13 return.

She had a really good taste in music, which is always a massive bonus for me, but I'd sensed from our text conversations that she could be quite prickly too. By the time I left she was also quite drunk and told me that she hated it when dates ghosted her as she was a "big girl" and could take being told if someone wasn't into her.

On the train home, I thought it was best to be honest so I texted her and said I'd had a nice evening but couldn't see anything beyond friendship and she replied with:

What could I have possibly responded with..?

Date 160

"And let me get your head on the conjugal bed."

Although these date took place in Brighton, this woman lived in London but was staying nearby for a month due to work commitments, so yet another person not local.

The first two dates were relatively brief in a couple of different bars and were pleasant and she appeared to be a very nice person but I was having my doubts the more I got to know her. For the third date, I booked a table at a tapas restaurant in Brighton, and again it was very pleasant, but my god, she just talked and talked about herself and her family and I genuinely couldn't get a word in.

Although she was good to hang out with, I just sadly didn't fancy her at all so I had to be honest and tell her how I felt...but not in so many words. I obviously always do this even though I usually get arsey responses. If I ghosted people I'd rightfully get an arsey text so it's a no win situation. And this was no different. She was ok when I explained it at first but then got a bit snide whilst making small talk about bed linen!

If only she knew how little action my 'passion pad' gets.

Date 159

"Park the car at the side of the road"

This date took place way back in January 2019, so my first of the year and it also started off a trend where all my dates this year have (so far) involved meeting people who are not Brighton dwellers. I have no explanation for this but I just can't seem to meet anyone local.

As this person lived in Kent, we met halfway for a meal at the Southbank in London. And having spoken to other people, this was a very typical internet date in which it was very pleasant and the other person was good company but that's it. As most of mine tend to have a bit of drama, this was something I don't tend to experience much.

As much as I don't want my dates to be dramatic it's always good to have an anecdote but there's very little I can say. The only possible thing I could mention would be that her hair and dress sense gave the impression that she'd just walked out of an office from the 1980's (despite her being only a year or two older than me) but she drove a company Jaguar, so who am I to comment on her appearance.

I liked her but didn't feel any compulsion to arrange a second date and she presumably felt the same as I didn't hear from her either. We exchanged text pleasantries after the date on the way home, but that was it and so the year got off to a quiet start.

Date 158

"No more apologies." 

This was a bad date and that was partly down to me as I've no idea why we met in the first place. I sort of knew beforehand that we didn't have much in common but sometimes I just like to go out and meet new people, so tend to go on more dates that I should (no shit; it's date 158!!!).

She suggested the pub we should meet in and whilst it wasn't that much of a trek for me, it still took about 1.5 hours door to door to get there. When I did arrive, I found out that it was only 5 minutes from where she lived, which was a bit bloody convenient for her. 

I didn't really know what to make of her, as she was quite full of herself and let me know very early on that if we did stay in touch then it would be as friends and nothing else. Which is completely fair enough as I always welcome honesty. However, she then proceeded to rattle off all the things that she didn't like about me...One of them might have been not listening to people whilst on dates, but I can't remember the rest as I'd zoned out by then.

The worst part of the night was actually the fact though that I have no definite idea of how I got home that evening (that's also not taking into consideration that I think I may have knocked her glass of wine over at some point). Which genuinely still scares me as I'm normally very careful about these things, especially as I was in a completely unfamiliar area. Despite it being a rubbish date, we got really drunk and I don't know how. I've got a vague idea that my journey home involved two taxis but that's pure guesswork. I'm still ashamed of letting myself get so pissed and I think that it's acted as a real wake-up call for me even though I'm not a regular drinker. Despite being so inebriated, I still managed to use a cash-point, hang my coat up, lock the back door and fold my clothes up neatly before waking up and having no idea how I'd got in my bed. My one error though, had been to leave my keys in my niece's highchair which my sister found the next day!

I also wanted to use this post to discuss what should have been Date 159.

Shortly after the above disaster, I'd arranged to meet someone for drinks a lot closer to home. Since, I'd been left abusive voice mails by a previous nutcase, I'd been slightly reluctant to swap numbers, although this person didn't ask to and I don't think it would have made any difference anyway.

The location, day and time had been set by this supposed 159th date and I was looking forward to it, plus it had been confirmed as we'd been speaking the day before. I got to the pub a bit early so sent her a message via the Bumble app to say I'd ordered a drink and was sitting at the bar. About 20 minutes later I'd finished my drink and hadn't heard anything from her and obviously by this time she was running late. I then ordered another drink and spotted a booth seat and table free so nabbed that and messaged her again to tell her where I was sitting. It then dawned on me that she wasn't coming and for the first time in my life I'd been stood up by a date. Although I knew she wasn't going to show up I got another drink as I'd made all the effort to come into Brighton so thought I'd have one for the road.

I finished that drink and was just about to leave when I belatedly received a message from her. A full hour after we were meant to meet and it was the biggest load of bollocks I've ever heard. She claimed that she hadn't been able to access the app during the day, so by her Planet Weirdo logic had presumed we weren't meeting....which is quite an assumption to make. I said I'd been there an hour and was just about to leave and she responded by saying that was a shame as she'd been Christmas shopping nearby and really fancied a pint. So, at no point did she think to venture into the bar and check if I was there. She was also seemingly more concerned by her thirst than the fact that she'd stood me up. I was absolutely livid but I didn't reply so when I got home and I'd heard nothing from her, let alone an apology, I deleted her from the app and reported her (not that anything would happen anyway). 

I suppose I'd done well to get to this many dates and not have experienced a 'no show' before, as I'm sure its very common, but it's such a cowardly thing to do and I've no idea how anyone can just not turn up. What the hell is wrong with people?! I also vowed never to use Bumble or go on a date again...but of course I did.