Date 168

"And I naturally fled."

I don't like to use expletives in my blog posts unless I really have to, but FUCKING HELL!!!

This was possibly my quickest date and I couldn't wait to get away. There were some very major red flags about this person and I nearly didn't go on this date and wish I hadn't. After exchanging a couple of messages on Bumble, she said she'd just joined and wondered if I'd be free on Sunday to meet for drinks and stated a venue and time. She looked nice and we seemed to have a lot of things in common. For some reason though, I wasn't looking forward to meeting her.

And on the morning of the date I received this very odd message:

I found this very full-on and asked her what bereavement had to do with anything. She responded with:

I told her that my Mum had passed away last year so if that was an issue then we should probably cancel. She told me that she only meant partners or spouses...

I reluctantly agreed to meet up (probably because I'm too polite) and she changed the venue and moved the time forward. At this point I was getting the feeling that she liked to be in control.

I was bang on time and she was 10 minutes late and if she hadn't come up to me I wouldn't have had a clue that it was her as she really didn't look like her pictures and hadn't made any effort to look remotely smart, despite telling me in an earlier text that she scrubbed up well.

There was just something not right and I really wanted to go home, but we went for a coffee and she announced to me that although she had put on her profile that she was 42, she was actually 47 and that she'd put that because she could carry off that age. She couldn't. I was also a bit scared of her as she reminded me looks and personality wise of a former friend who I'd managed to remove from my life due to her her toxic narcissism. 

She also claimed to be an actress and had an LA drawl, having lived there briefly. All the while we were chatting awkwardly I was trying to pluck up the courage to leave after one drink but I didn't need to as she asked for the bill and told me we didn't have any connection. She must have seen the fear in my eyes, even though I was wearing sunglasses. 

However, we did part ways very amicably and she said there was hope for her yet as I'd proved to her that there were normal men out there but she needed to take a break, as her first foray into online dating (all 3 days of it) had worn her out. 

She didn't like The Smiths either.

Date 116

"I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour."

I can't remember much about this Tinder date other than that she was from Croydon and rode a horse that she was convinced was gay.

I fancied a jaunt to London and agreed to meet her at the SouthBank (one of my old haunts). Things were a bit awkward at first but after I'd given her an Easter chocolate treat (this isn't a euphemism and it was Easter Monday) and had a few drinks; we got on quite well.

After we'd eaten we then started ordering doubles whilst she chain-smoked roll-ups and got quite tipsy quite late into the evening. However, although I'd had a good time, I didn't have the urge to contact her afterwards, other than to thank her for the enjoyable evening, and she must have felt the same as we've not spoken since.

Date 99

"In my life, why do I give valuable time to people who don't care if I live or die?"

I met a beautiful, funny, kind, caring and wonderful woman four months ago and miraculously we're still seeing each other. As much as I've enjoyed writing this blog; it feels like it's come to a natural conclusion.

Thank you for all the positive feedback and encouragement that I received while writing this.

~

I wrote the above few lines 2 months ago as I believed at the time that this was the end of the blog, but sadly this turned out not to be case. I will now start from the beginning and attempt to unravel what happened.

I'd initially made contact with the subject of this piece in September 2014 through Guardian Soulmates and we exchanged a few messages. The emails then stopped abruptly and I assumed that she was bored of me. However at the beginning of December she contacted me again out of the blue and she asked me when I was going to take her out for a date! I later found out that she'd stopped contacting me because I hadn't actually asked her out early enough. I duly did, after being told to, and we met 2 days before Christmas Eve.

It turned out to be my favourite first date. It was absolutely perfect. I took her for hot chocolate and she gave me an early Christmas present (a chocolate orange and lottery ticket, what else were you thinking?) and said even if we had a crap first date, at least I'd remember her due to her gifts. We then went for drinks and a meal and we just clicked from the very beginning. We also both felt very comfortable with each other. It had been a wonderful evening and she asked me at the station about meeting for a second date. She did, however, provide me with a caveat in which she said that she was very busy with her job and two children and that she didn't have much spare time and thus our next date wouldn't be for a while.

We met for our second date 5 days later and slept together after a museum visit and dinner near where she lived. I didn't know sex could be that good. I'd never experienced such attentiveness or excitement. I told her this and she said that this was because no-one had ever made love to me before. I went home the next morning a very happy man, however, this was tempered by the fact that I wouldn't be able to see her again for another month.

This proved to be quite tough as I was desperate to see her again. It was also difficult because we'd text for a bit and they'd just stop from her. Just under a week before I was due to see her again I was out on a training run for the Brighton Half-Marathon and tore the ligaments in my right foot after going over on my ankle 5 miles in. We had been due to see Birdman at the cinema but I couldn't walk so she came over to mine, we watched a DVD and spent the night together again. The next day I took her out for Sunday lunch and we again agreed to meet a month later. However, things were easier in the intervening period as I told her that I was happy for there to be large gaps in between us seeing each other but I wanted regularish contact. This occurred and we texted every day even just to say good morning or good night.

I loved going to visit her, not only because of seeing her but also due to the fact that she had 4 cats, who would also sleep with us at night. I was truly in my element.

At this stage we'd also started writing to each other in the form of 'love letters'. She suggested it and she'd send me little presents and I'd do her mix-CD's and by now she'd also met my close family. The next time I saw her it had been Valentine's Day the day before. I didn't want to make a big fuss but I also wanted to do something, so I sent her a bouquet of anemones and put a note in them saying that I didn't know whether she was into Valentine's Day but I wanted to tell her that I was looking forward to seeing her the following day. When they were delivered she said that she began sobbing tears of joy and that my gesture had made her very happy. Her reaction also made me very happy.

Whilst I understood why we couldn't see each other as regularly as I liked, I understood the reasons, however, everything thus far had been on her terms. Then, with my birthday coming up, things changed for the better. On my actual Birthday I went to hers and we had a wonderful evening.

She really went to a lot of effort and bought me presents and cake and we had a lovely night together. A couple of days later she then had some unexpected free time and came over to mine again where we went for Thai and after spending the night together she let me know that she had feelings for me.

It was also at this time that she asked me to go to New York with her. Her sons were going to Japan for the Easter holidays and she'd planned to go to to America on her own, however, because things had been going so well between us, she wanted me to go with her. This was a massive step for our relationship and before we went we had the following text conversation:

Coupled with going to New York together, this appeared to me to be her saying she was wanting to change the boundaries and for us to move onto another level. How wrong I was...

I'd never been to New York before but we had a fantastic time. We also managed to see Birdman on the flight over, which we'd never got round to seeing first time around due to my foot injury. We stayed near Times Square in a lovely hotel and did all the touristy things like going to the Statue of Liberty, Central Park, Ground Zero, Museum of Modern Art etc. and I thought that we'd really got on well. We only stayed for 3 nights but we managed to fit in a lot and there was much laughter shared.

During the few days of us getting back I had little communication from her which got my Spider senses tingling. Then one morning she mentioned in passing in a text that she didn't think we could have a relationship together. I obviously pressed her on this and she became annoyed and said we couldn't talk about this whilst texting but we needed to talk face to face. All she could offer me was a meeting over a week later. I couldn't believe what she was saying so I asked her to elaborate. She gave in and said that New York had reinforced to her that she couldn't commit to a relationship and that all she could offer me was a really nice time every 6 weeks or so. I then found the next bit staggering:

The penultimate line there still hurts now when I read it. How can anyone be so lacking in empathy?
The conversation continued a bit longer until she reiterated again that she would rather talk face to face, but not before she made clear that New York hadn't been all that I thought it had been:

I was devastated and to make matters worse, we couldn't meet to discuss it for another 3 weeks!!! During this time I was upset and confused but I was also just about coping too and I refused to let it interfere with my life. In these 3 weeks she'd also ceased all contact with me which was hard to take. I'd become used to a lot of contact from her and besides letter writing and texting she'd also got in the habit pre-New York of ringing me every night on her way home from work and skypeing me every now and then.

The day I'd been dreading finally arrived and we met for brunch in Eastbourne, which is roughly half way between where we both live from one another. After we'd eaten we went for a walk on the beach and I just broke down in tears when we started discussing things. I never cry. I don't think I'd shed a tear for 6 years. I could barely get my words out. She hugged me for a bit and started crying too.

I asked her why things had changed so dramatically and she couldn't really answer me. She said she was sorry for sending out mixed messages but was doing what was right for her and that she is just crap at relationships. She also let slip that she had someone else who she saw off and on when they both had free time. She said we could be friends and left it up to me as to whether I wanted to contact her again and we parted amicably.

I was still feeling emotional on the way home but I also felt glad that I'd seen her face to face. She sent me a text that evening and said she didn't like seeing me sad and that she'd played a part in me feeling like that (erm, sorry, you merely played a part you say?). She sent me another text the next day and told me she wasn't the woman for me and that I should start dating again...

My emotional state meant that I couldn't articulate properly what I wanted to say to her in Eastbourne but I just think that she wanted to have her cake and eat it. Going to New York was clearly a step too far for her and the fact that she resented me being there is still hard to take. However, I still can't accept that a few days away together could change things so dramatically and I can't comprehend how she was so into me before yet now she wants nothing to do with me. I've no idea how you can say the things she said to me and then retract them at the drop of a hat. I'd like to think that I meant more to her than just an occasional shag and travel companion but the cynical side of me tells me that she got what she wanted from me and then bailed out.

It's not all doom and gloom though as I can take some good things from our time together as I learned a lot from her sexually and I also found out that I can be romantic and going away with someone other than friends and family was a massive leap for me.

Ultimately though, she really hurt me and although I have respect for her in meeting up with me to discuss things, the fact that she has other 'arrangements' with men means that I have no interest whatsoever in seeing her again. She also disliked The Smiths so there clearly was no future for us...

Date 86

"What she asked of me at the end of the day: Caligula would have blushed."

Hmmm, Tinder's a bit weird, isn't it? I tried it out for a few months and had one solitary date through it. I never got remotely close to getting a date with anyone else bar this next entry. There have been mutual matches along the way, but not many, and none of them have replied to me. Which I just don't get as when one has only got pictures to go on and very little text, if any, then what sort of message am I meant to send to get a response.

Anyway, I digress. With this person, we quickly moved on to email then texting and I found out that she was the ex wife of a famous stand up comedian. Well, I say famous but I hadn't actually heard of him, but people I know had and he's apparently on things like Mock the Week a fair bit. I googled him and there are plenty of videos of him doing his routine on you tube and he did seem quite funny. 

We communicated a fair bit before we actually met and I noticed a couple of things about her such as her mentioning her ex husband every other sentence and also the fact that she was very frisky most of the time. I'm not averse to naughty texts but I do find it a bit odd them being so full on before we've even been out together...

We decided to meet in Clapham one evening for drinks and what struck me first was her bizarre accent. I think she's a year older than me so in her *ahem* mid-30s, and despite living on the south coast and South London for most of her life, apart from 2 or 3 years as a student in Liverpool, she spoke exactly the same as Bubble from Absolutely Fabulous! It was really weird and I asked her about it but she couldn't explain why she did. She was also as frisky in the flesh as she was by text. She couldn't keep her hands off me and after only one drink she moved in for the kill and snogged my face off inside the pub. She also said to me afterwards that when she walked in and first saw me, she wanted to fuck me...which I'll take as a compliment. 

Something else which she did in real life too which I alluded to above was talk about her ex husband... A LOT. I brought it up afterwards and she claimed she didn't but she's in denial as I actually felt I'd been on a date with him too. She'd had a rough ride with him and from what she'd said, he sounded like an arsehole, but most of her anecdotes, good and bad, involved him. I felt sorry for her but I found it a bit awkward when she kept launching herself on me and mentioning him all the time.

I ended the night a bit early as we were both a bit tipsy, walked her to the station then got my train home. She then rang me on the train for a chat! I can't remember what we said but I do recall it being a bit awkward. I then got home and she kept ringing me again. However, this was the night in which some people may recall; my neighbour was having a party which culminated in the police having to be called when he threatened to beat me and my sister's boyfriend up. She was ringing me throughout all of this despite me texting her to tell her the situation and that I couldn't speak to her, yet she still wasn't getting the message!

In the following days, we were still in text contact and I was honest with her and said that I wasn't looking for anything serious. I am, but just not with her. She said she was the same and then proceeded to send me a few naked pictures of herself...which I didn't reciprocate. She was then going away for a week with friends to a rented cottage in Chichester. I say friends, but there were actually going to be about 20 of them including children. She then said that I should come and visit her there so she could have her wicked way with me...how frickin' weird would that have been with me just turning up one night with all those people there? It never happened and things then just fizzled out really and my sole Tinder experience (thus far) had ended with me unscathed...relatively.

Date 53

"Heaven knows I'm miserable now."

This solitary date turned out to be one of the most disappointing finales that I'd experienced thus far.

Having e-mailed each other extensively and entertainingly for about a month we agreed to meet up for drinks. I have to say that I wasn't really very excited beforehand, but that was probably due to the fact that by this point I'd been on so many dates in a relatively short space of time, that I was probably suffering from a bit of burn out along with the suffering of constant disappointments along the way.

Then I was taken completely by surprise, as she absolutely blew me away, which has rarely happened to me during my time spent internet dating. She was absolutely stunning, and looked nothing like her profile pictures so I didn't even recognise her when she approached me. She was brilliant company and a lot of fun, and I thought that we got on really well. We spent a good 6 hours drinking then went for a meal.

On the way out of the restaurant at the end of the night she suddenly turned to me and demanded that I kiss her, and so I obliged. Afterwards, thinking that I'd read the signals right, I then asked her if she wanted to see me again. She then inexplicably 'ummed' and 'ahhed' a bit, started to laugh uncontrollably and said 'sorry, but no.' I was absolutely crest-fallen, and probably because I was quite drunk, just turned away and walked off without saying bye. I then trudged back to the station, dragging my coat along the ground behind me. Although it's only a five minute walk normally, it must have taken me about half an hour as I seemed to do it in slow motion as I just felt so dejected.

During my journey home I felt guilty for just walking off so I texted her to thank her for the evening and although she replied I can't remember what she said. I obviously never heard from her again and felt quite down the next day, as although she was being honest, it just seemed such a bizarre way to end a night. Since then I have given up on trying to read people's thoughts and signals.