"But oh, my darling, why did you change?"
Of all the blog entries that I've written I think that this one neatly encapsulates modern dating. It's still fresh in my memory so I still feel a bit hurt and sad which doesn't make sense as she turned out to be a bit of a dick in retrospect.
A couple of months before, I'd deleted all my profiles on all the dating sites that I belonged to but decided to give online dating another chance, so signed up for a week's subscription with
Guardian Soulmates. We seemed to get on very well after exchanging a few messages and then switching to Whatsapp at her suggestion. She was an incessant texter so things became very intense, very quickly and we were pretty much in contact virtually all day every day, which I always found a bit strange from her end as I couldn't work out how she could maintain her job but still send me messages all the time. We also got into a routine where, without fail, one of us (predominantly her at first) would text to say good morning and good night. That's a really nice thing when it's happening bit when it abruptly stops it's not such fun.
An early drawback, however, was the fact that I live in Brighton and she's in East London. That wasn't really an issue at first though. I think we met after 10 days to two weeks after we'd first been in contact and I'd agreed to go and meet her along the SouthBank after work. We were both so nervous (most unlike me) but we hadn't needed to be as we got on great. I really fancied her and it was one of my favourite first dates. So much so that I didn't get home until about 1:30 am as we kept going to different pubs and from my point of view I didn't want the night to end.
Still being very much in contact, a couple of days later she had a free Friday evening so I suggested she come and visit me in Brighton after work. She agreed at first but then offered up an excuse a bit later. As it turned out she just went home and had a few drinks on her own and she first mentioned how distance might be a problem. I was in London the next day for a friend's birthday and I intimated meeting up afterwards but we didn't.
We then set up the following Saturday as our next date. She said she'd definitely come to Brighton and fancied the cinema. So, I messaged her about times and films and said I could book us tickets then a restaurant afterwards. At this point she got a bit funny and said how she didn't want to be tied down and hated having plans but preferred to do things last minute and that she'd probably only have time for a meal and drinks as she had responsibilities in her life.
A couple of days later she asked if I'd like to come to London again as she'd got free tickets for a matinee musical in the West End called
Ruthless. This was when I started to realise that she liked to do things on her terms. However, I agreed because I wanted to see her again and I don't mind going to London as it's easy to get to from Brighton anyway.
I wasn't as nervous/excited as I had been for the first date and to be honest I was a bit apprehensive. This is quite normal for second dates anyway as I think there's more riding on them than a first date and they're relatively make or break. As it turned out we had another great time. She loved the musical and I have to agree that it was entertaining (even though it wasn't really my thing). She then took me to a very exclusive cocktail bar where we had espresso martinis and then an amazing restaurant.
Towards the end of the night we got into some deep conversations about our lives and I told her some pretty personal and sad stuff about that I'd endured growing up. Upon hearing this she cried a few times and I had to comfort her. Although, it might have been the drink, I genuinely thought that we had a connection and on the train going home she was needlessly apologising for her tears but also saying how she'd had a great time and that she'd definitely be coming to Brighton for our third date. The third date never happened.
At this point I'll touch upon what different people we were and how our lives were miles apart. I've never been married and I don't have any children. Having lived in London for over 20 years: most of my friends live there. I've been in Brighton for just over 4 and I don't know that many people and my social life goes in peaks and troughs and revolves around gigs, live comedy and the cinema.
She's 3 years older than me, has 3 children (2 at university and 1 living with her some of the time), is divorced and until a year ago had been in an 8 year relationship until he cheated on her. She also lives in a mansion, drives a BMW 4x4 and has worked in the city most of her life.
Things then started to change. The previous year she'd told me she had gone totally mad on the partying front, been on a lot of dates and one night stands, but she was settling down this year due to her family. I'd suggest meeting up but she'd say she didn't have the time then would would send me selfies of her at stupid o'clock, shitfaced in various bars.
We had a very deep text conversation one evening in which she wanted to know what I was looking for in a relationship, what she was looking for and whether we were compatible. I found it quite weird and she said that she couldn't give me children as she didn't want any more and I said that wasn't a priority of mine anyway. We both came to the conclusion that we'd enjoyed the dates so far and wanted to see how things went but that we were both happy with how things were going. She kept reiterating the distance between us and and other things like being busy at work and wanting to spend more time with her family. I said that due to all these things we could call it a day but she didn't want to and that she was comfortable with our arrangement.
Even though I'd not instigated that conversation it made me feel that things were going to progress but they actually got worse. The texts decreased after that and she stopped the good morning and good night ones. I also felt that she was getting a bit mean to me and she would go on rants about how to live my life. To illustrate this, during the most recent bank holiday weekend I wasn't really up to much but the weather was lovely and I was out and about but spending time in my garden reading. It was really relaxing. She was at some very messy barbecues and I said I was jealous, although I wasn't particularly. She got a bit angry for some reason and told me I needed to expand my social life and there was nothing stopping me from having my own bbq, getting loads of people round last minute and cracking open the Jack Daniels. She'd do this with other things too and really tell me what to do, I was very close during these times of actually telling her we should call it a day as she was becoming more passive aggressive. From then on she'd regularly send me messages telling me I should be going out if I had nothing to do or when friends were busy and it got to the point where I'd dread her asking and I felt guilty for not being out one night even if I had been the previous one.
In all this time, she hadn't mentioned meeting up again either. I'd suggested it but she said she was busy packing for her holiday so wouldn't be socialising and then proceeded to go out every night the week beforehand and get pissed after work, so I thought I'd wait for her to mention it. I'd still be hearing from her every day but there'd been a mood change. She then went to Spain for a long weekend and was still texting me during it apart from one day. She'd also stopped putting kisses on her texts, which is a small but noticeable thing.
I happened to be in London for a comedy show on the day she was coming back from Spain. I think she was on the beach then waiting for her flight and her messages were very jokey and it felt like how she used to be.
The next day I texted her to see if she was tired as she'd got back relatively late and had to go in work and she'd said she was busy so I thought I'd let her get on with it. Four days later and I'd not heard anything from her so I dropped her a text on the Friday and she said she'd been busy with family stuff and then proceeded to reel off the social piss-ups she'd been to that week. I thought I'd just go out and say it and asked her when she fancied coming to Brighton and she wrote me a long text in which she said if she did it would only be on a platonic level.
She also said she'd been thinking about things and that she didn't want to give me the impression we could be anything other than friends and that she wasn't the right person for me in terms of time, distance and commitments.
I was out with a friend when I received it which was good as we spoke about it for a bit. I then slept on it and spent the next day mulling it over and working out what to say in response if anything. On Saturday evening I got a text from her demanding why I hadn't replied...
I said I was still processing things and in all honesty I didn't know what to say as I felt that what she said wasn't open for discussion. She said she was just being honest and didn't want me to think she was being dismissive; which is what she was doing, surely?
I asked her a couple of questions but she didn't answer them and then I didn't hear from her. So on the Monday I texted her to ask why things had changed since we'd had the deep discussion a couple of weeks beforehand. She reiterated that her family and job came first and that she didn't have the time to commit to me, plus she said she wasn't romantically inclined towards me and wasn't feeling it but that I should give her a heads up if I ever fancied a drink in London. Ruthless indeed...
