Date 162

"Who will swallow whom?"

Being a little closer to home than London, though still not that near, we met in a really nice cocktail bar in Eastbourne, which was sort of halfway for both of us. However, the journey was worth it as we really got on.

We had lots in common in terms of music, tv etc. and she made it clear very quickly that she wanted to do very naughty things to me. The only factors which were going to be a challenge were her limited availability due to childcare commitments, as she was only free every other Saturday and Wednesdays, and even though we both lived in the same counties; we weren't that close distance-wise.

Our second date had been planned well but got off to an inauspicious start. I met her after work one Wednesday evening near her house and we got some booze and went to the chip shop, then onto her house. When we got to hers though, her ex-partner and the father of her child's car was parked outside. Although they'd been separated for quite a while, he's still got a key and even though he's meant to ring ahead, he apparently just turns up unannounced sometimes. She didn't want to go in with me in tow, and even though it's her house we had to go and eat our chips in her car along the seafront while the rain pelted down. Not very romantic.

He'd thankfully gone when we arrived back and so in order to make up for lost time we pretty much immediately went up to her bedroom and got down to things that couldn't be described as romantic either And it was great but we did get our wires crossed as I didn't know that I was meant to be staying the night as I'd assumed I wasn't as it was a school night and she had to get up for work at 6am the next morning and I had things on too. So, I went home that evening! If truth be told though, I was also a bit worried that her ex-boyfriend was just going to walk in on us unannounced.

That was actually the last time I saw her as it just became impossible to meet up as whenever she had a free Saturday for us to meet, I was busy. We kept in contact for quite a while but I think she got frustrated that I was never available or she met someone closer to home as things just fizzled out. If nothing else though, it did enable me to break my 18 month vow of celibacy.

Date 160

"And let me get your head on the conjugal bed."

Although these date took place in Brighton, this woman lived in London but was staying nearby for a month due to work commitments, so yet another person not local.

The first two dates were relatively brief in a couple of different bars and were pleasant and she appeared to be a very nice person but I was having my doubts the more I got to know her. For the third date, I booked a table at a tapas restaurant in Brighton, and again it was very pleasant, but my god, she just talked and talked about herself and her family and I genuinely couldn't get a word in.

Although she was good to hang out with, I just sadly didn't fancy her at all so I had to be honest and tell her how I felt...but not in so many words. I obviously always do this even though I usually get arsey responses. If I ghosted people I'd rightfully get an arsey text so it's a no win situation. And this was no different. She was ok when I explained it at first but then got a bit snide whilst making small talk about bed linen!

If only she knew how little action my 'passion pad' gets.

Date 153

"And I would like to give you what I think you're asking for."

Having cancelled our first planned meeting due to her head not being in the right place, and after a loss of contact for a month; we set up a coffee date for a Saturday afternoon in Brighton.

Being a scout leader, Disney obsessive and self-confessed crazy person, I was a bit worried that we wouldn't be compatible. She let me know at regular intervals as to how crazy she was.

I also found out that she had a voracious sexual appetite. Eight days before we were due to meet, I was out on, what turned out to be, a very substantial pub crawl in Lewes with a male former work colleague. We'd intended to meet for a few pints at midday and still found ourselves drinking at around 9pm. I got a text from crazy Daisy that her Ann Summers party had been cancelled and that she was out on the piss near where she lived. She wanted me (and my friend) to come and meet her and then go back to hers to spend the night (I'm not sure if she meant my friend for that part though). When I received the text I was on the train home very inebriated and just wanted to go to sleep. I did give it some thought though, as her explicit texts were very persuasive, but getting home when I did and not having a hangover the next day proved to be the best decision I could have made, especially as I had a Morrissey gig the next evening!

On my way to meet her the following week for coffee, she texted me to ask if I'd be wearing a red carnation and waiting for her under a clock. I asked how I'd recognise her and she said I'd know it was her as she'd be the nutty one...which is no mean feat on the concourse of Brighton station.

We had coffee and lunch at a cafe (which she kindly paid for her) and she talked about sex the whole time. This also included showing me pictures on her phone of her dressed up in a couple of sexy Christmas underwear outfits. After going for a walk along the seafront, in which she talked about sex, we went to the pub for a couple of drinks and she told me what she wanted to do to me sex-wise. She had to go home to take her 19 year old son to a party and then wait for him for four hours and bring him back when it had finished. However, she kept thinking up plans how to have her wicked way with me that evening. Her best one was have me go back with her then go to the cinema while her son was at his party and not watch a film but sit at the back while we did stuff under a coat....

I turned down this classy suggestion and said we should call it a day while the going was still good. On the bus home, she texted me to say she couldn't read me and wondered what I'd thought of her. I could have taken the easy option and said I'd meet her for a second date, get home and regret it, then worry about meeting her again, go through with it and not enjoy myself. I then had a bit of an epiphany and decided to take the brutally honest route. I told her that I couldn't see anything between us other than something sexual (which I'm not even sure I could see anyway). This offended her and she got arsey. I've never had a fuck buddy before, so it's not something I've ever enquired about with anyone but she really wasn't impressed with my suggestion. 

After going on a bit of a rant saying she didn't want to be anyone's friend with benefits and that why couldn't I just see how things go between us, she said she'd step aside so I could meet someone else and that we're both at different stages of our lives in terms of what we're looking for. I got home and felt a huge sense of relief. What a crazy afternoon.

Date 141

"I crack the whip and you skip."

This was a rare occasion where I really wasn't that fussed about meeting this person, but she seemed very keen and persistent so I agreed to a date. I think she'd contacted me initially through one website and it hadn't gone anywhere and then she messaged me on OKCupid and I felt guilty so when she asked about meeting up I said yes. Which was a bit stupid on my part but because I have so many people cancel on me (I could probably do a blog of equal length on the dates that never happened), I didn't want to do that.

During our brief initial messages, and on her profile, she'd made quite a point of saying how she loved dressing up and attending things like Torture Garden, which is a fetish club. I think she also portrayed herself as a mild-mannered lawyer by day and a rubber clad party animal by night. We met at about 7pm so I guess it was still daytime for her as she seemed very shy and there wasn't really much to talk about.

She was a very nice person but I was a bit relieved when she had to leave early due to her experiencing back pain. I think this was genuine as she went through quite an elaborate routine of squirming in her seat and looking in a lot of discomfort. Or it could have been a restrictive leather outfit she had on underneath.

Date 63

"Oh, there's more to life than books you know."

My most barren year yet since I started being properly pro-active on my internet dating adventures, with only 5 dates to speak of; and none of them led to a second date. It definitely hasn't been through a lack of effort on my part, but no-one seems to reply to me anymore regardless of what site I'm on. To highlight this, I recently went back on match as they'd sent me a free 3 day trial. I decided to make the most of the beautiful freeness on offer so I messaged six girls and not one of them responded to me. When match sent me another offer of a discounted rate to extend my subscription, I hastily made my excuses and left.

Anyway, back to my second and final date from Guardian Soulmates. The person in question was a Dutch lady, a few years older than me, and she worked as a freelance book interpreter. We had a few drinks and, although we had some things in common, there just wasn't a connection between us and I don't think that I fancied her despite her having a cool and unusual rose tattoo on her wrist. I thought that at the end of the date she actually wanted to see me again as she started telling me what a fantastic guy I was, but this was just to let me down gently in case I wanted to see her again. I wasn't disappointed in the slightest and I completely agreed with her assessment that we'd had a nice evening but there wasn't a spark between us. Although I felt the same way as her and wouldn't have gone on a second date anyway, I completely respected her honesty in telling me afterwards and it would have been nice if some of the other women that I'd met had been so up front and mature.

Date 61

"Let me get my hands on your mammary glands."

As I'd alluded to in the previous entry, I was intrigued by all the furore surrounding the re-vamp of Guardian Soulmates, so curiosity got the better of me and I signed up again after my self-imposed exile of a couple of years. In retrospect, I wish that I hadn't.

For a number of years GSM was universally thought of as the most popular dating website around in terms of its layout, search engine, messaging facilities and the people on it. In this respect, one would normally go with the old adage of if it ain't broke then don't fix it, however, it appears that the good people behind the site decided to have the fantastic idea of going a bit leftfield and removing all the good features which made it popular and thus forcing people away in their droves.

The main problem seems to be that the company who designed and maintained the original site have been jettisoned, I think, in favour of The Guardian now doing it in-house. This may seem sensible in terms of a cost-cutting exercise due to the uncertain economic times at present, however, I can't see how this would be the case by the fact that the subscription charges are now higher than ever, so I have no idea where all the money is going as it's certainly not being used to develop or improve the site. Although The Guardian acknowledged that they made mistakes during the re-vamp in April 2011 by offering refunds to subscribing members at the time, they've not addressed any of the criticisms or rectified any of the poor features almost 9 months later.

The original site, while not completely aesthetically pleasing, had a simple but effective appearance to it but now it just looks cheap and generic. One of the best features which has been removed was the previous ability to be able to send one line replies to people . The most useful aspect of this was that you could let people know that you didn't have a subscription or that you weren't interested, however, now you have no idea whether people are being rude in not replying or they're just not signed up and are unable to respond. A lot of my messages to girls were ignored, and while it could be the case that I've lost my touch and people just didn't like the look and sound of me, which is not the site's fault, not knowing if they had a subscription or not doesn't help matters.

Another big grumble I have is also the inability to delete profiles from searches. This is particularly annoying when all the people whom you've messaged and haven't replied still keep coming up and clogging up searches. The profile page information itself has also been cut down, so now it's really difficult to gauge what people are like as profiles now contain the briefest of details.

Compared to the success I'd had in the past of going on a quite a few dates, this time around I was limited to just two in three months. I'm not sure if that's down to the site's re-vamp, whether subscriptions are vastly down or whether the people on GSM are now just a different demographic. The majority of messages I sent were ignored and if I was 'lucky' enough to get a reply then they would ignore my follow-up, which is a very common part of dating sites now. This is probably due to the over-saturation of members or just the death knell of manners.

Anyway, to date 61 itself. I'd messaged her first and after a couple of emails she asked me out for a drink. She was 5 years older than me, very attractive, very interesting and I really fancied her. We got on well enough and we had loads in common in terms of music and films, however, by the end of the evening I could tell she was a bit bored as when I suggested we get something to eat she said she was tired and wanted to go home. I still thought I'd email her about another date and to no great surprise she asked if we could just be friends. We've seen each other three times since, which has included going to the cinema to see The Guard (an absolute gem and my film of the year so far) and attending BUG at the BFI twice. We do get on well when we hook up, although I do wonder if she stays in contact purely so she can join myself and my friends for Adam Buxton's marvellous video showcase as I never hear from her besides BUG .

UPDATE: I met up with her again last night (May 2012) in Camden to see Avengers Assemble and a really bizarre thing happened. I'd texted her a week or so ago to arrange it but when we met up she got the shock of her life as she'd been under the impression that she'd been texting and was due to meet up with another friend of hers who happens to have the same first name as me (technically my name is spelt slightly differently). When she first saw me, she was in absolute shock and asked me what I was doing there and said she wasn't meant to be meeting me tonight! She then went into a panic and a state of mass confusion and I was just standing there not knowing what the hell to say. I actually felt like just going home as she didn't hide her disappointment that it was me who had turned up. As we'd agreed to meet for food first of all we went in the restaurant eventually and I've never felt so awkward in my life and she was also quite concerned that the other guy was going to turn up...he obviously didn't. We then went to see the film, which was good but don't believe the hype, and she apologised profusely afterwards. She also said she couldn't find her other friend's number in her phone and said that she must have deleted it which led me to assume that she'd removed his number thinking it was mine. Needless to say, I won't be contacting her again as this was actually the 4th or 5th time that we'd met after our first date as to say that I felt uncomfortable all night was an understatement.

UPDATE: Despite vowing to never have anything more to do with her, some months later I randomly bumped into her on a night out in Camden when I was out with a couple of friends. She joined us for the rest of the evening and was actually very good company. Since then we've actually become fairly regular cinema buddies and we do get on pretty well. However, I always let her contact me first as I still feel uneasy about her not knowing who I was! And, in fairness to her she has since told me that she's still embarrassed by what happened.

Date 43

"But not much more."

Very pleasant evening but we didn't have much in common apart from us both being born in the same city, however, she must be the only Geordie never to have heard of Jackie Milburn.

Not really much else to say other than the fact that she was very nice and there'd been a lot of e-mail contact between us beforehand so I'd pretty much guessed how things would pan out, and neither of us attempted to arrange a second date.