Date 124

"And I got confused, I killed a nun; I can't help the way that I feel."

Tinder reared its head again and I went on a date with a woman 11 years older than me. We'd communicated quite a lot beforehand and seemed to have a similar sense of humour. However, a couple of things bothered me before we met up.

After we'd agreed a time and location to meet up she asked me the below question:

I get asked that a lot and it seems to really matter to a lot of potential dates. In fact, someone else on Tinder actually cancelled a date that we'd arranged when she found out my height, despite her being a few inches smaller than me. I've no idea in the scheme of things why this matters at all, and if only these people knew that I make up for my lack of height in other ways...

She did actually say that she'd make an exception with me though as I made her laugh.

The second thing that I found odd was a text she sent me a few days before our date. In it she told me she was in Portsmouth on a date with another guy. I thought this was an unwritten rule in dating? I suppose we all know that other people are going on dates but we don't really want to be told. She also said that she was having a great night and that the guy she was with had gone to a lot of effort, however, she said she'd be friend-zoning him! In this instance I actually felt sorry for HIM. Poor chap!

When we did eventually meet, she was over half an hour late. We got on fine but there was something about her that I just wasn't sure about, and I couldn't put my finger on it. When I got home I was a bit tipsy and she texted me to say that we should go out again and we arranged a second date. I probably agreed because I was feeling quite merry, however, I like to give people another chance as sometimes I just can't tell after one date.

I booked a table at a Thai restaurant for our follow-up and it was a pleasant evening but again, there was something about her that I just wasn't keen on. She had plenty of stories, which included her thrill-seeking adventures sitting on the wings of bi-planes (she'd done this a few days before) and that the father of one of her children was now a successful entertainer who made a living out of dressing up as a nun and driving a mobile keyboard/organ around. Although I still couldn't work out what it was, I think maybe I found her a bit arrogant. As it happened I never contacted her again and she didn't attempt to contact me either.

Date 112

"I left the South, I travelled North."

I was really excited about meeting this person but less enamoured when she suggested a coffee date; which in my experience is a terrible idea.

She'd contacted me initially on Guardian Soulmates and had wowed me with her eloquence, humour and a shared love of Columbo. She seemed eager to meet me and clearly wasn't put off by me being about 8 years younger than her!

When we met in a cafe I'd chosen, I couldn't help but notice that she looked a bit disappointed when I rocked up, and as such it turned out to be quite a short date. I knew that she'd met someone for lunch beforehand, and after one coffee I suggested that we move on to a pub but she told me that she was meeting a friend for dinner so had to go. I have to say that I really fancied her and the chat was good but I felt that I was just killing time for her in between meals.

I received an email from her a few days later and she said that she'd just received a job offer to work in Liverpool, out of the blue, and that she was going to accept it and she contimued:

"It has made me realise that I am really not sure where work will take me in the medium term. I can also see  that means our lives are very different so I doubt that there would be any possibility of us becoming friends or anything more."

Either that's the most elaborate excuse anyone has ever used not to go on a second date or she's moved to another region entirely just so we don't bump into each other again.

Date 87

"Why is the last mile the hardest mile?"

This was my first experience of dipping my toe into the Brighton dating ocean and not much happened really.

I went back onto Guardian Soulmates as I presumed that it would provide a rich seam of the cream of Brighton female residents, but I've clearly been spoilt by London all these years as they haven't got many members on there. One girl did really catch my eye though and thankfully she replied to me and we went out on a date.

Luckily I'd found a really cool pub a couple of weeks before so we met there. She was extremely attractive and I found her very engaging and good company. We stayed for a few hours and got quite drunk and I thought we'd had a good night.

Sadly this didn't prove to be the case in her eyes though as I when I contacted her the next day to ask about a second date, she made it very clear that she didn't want to go on another one with me. One good thing did come out of this though as she'd just completed the Brighton Half Marathon and this really did inspire me as I'm now going to be running in it in February 2015. So, wish me luck as I'm going to need it...

Date 73

"I lost my bag in Newport Pagnell."

After permanently deleting or deactivating all my dating profiles on Guardian Soulmates, Match, Plenty of Fish, OKCupid and Tastebuds, my life appeared to have a void in it; so I joined a site that I'd never been on before called Lovestruck.

My first impressions of the site were good in terms of its design and search facilities and it has plenty of members. My only sticking point initially was the price as it's vastly more expensive on a monthly basis than any site that I have ever used before and I don't quite understand how they can justify that. The whole site is geared towards 'busy' professionals who want to date and so you can only sign up if you live in one of 8 cities in the UK e.g. London, Manchester, Birmingham etc. I suppose some people may see that as being a flaw but as I currently live in London; I'm not interested in meeting anyone too far away. Another feature the site offers is that you can show whether you're free for lunch or dinner each day, which is not something I'd ever use as I prefer to exchange a few messages first, although that may appeal to some people.

After initially signing up, I quickly received quite a few winks and a couple of messages and so I was sorely tempted to subscribe but I resisted for a few days as I was still put off by the high price. In the end I signed up for 3 months as the deal they offered for that was significantly lower on a month by month basis.

Funnily enough, after being subscribed for a few weeks, the interest shown in me by others before I became a fully paid up member dropped to virtually zero...hmmm, I wonder why that is? I guess my status as 'fresh meat' wore off pretty quickly.

I wasn't exactly enamoured by Date 73 at first as one of her initial messages informed me that her flatmate thought that I looked like a serial killer. However, after a few more emails she asked me if I fancied meeting for a drink so I said yes.

The date nearly didn't happen as when I was making my way into London, I started to suffer from vertigo and nausea on a train platform and nearly cancelled. It did pass after a while though and I assumed it was just nerves, although after feeling worse the next day I found out that I had an ear infection.

The date itself was fine, and she'd just got back from visiting Newport Pagnell, which was great as it gave this blog entry an easy title. As a lot of you may have noticed; this blog is named after a song by The Smiths, and each dating entry has a lyric or song by them at the beginning, and luckily, Morrissey once mentioned the aforementioned Milton Keynes town in one of their songs.

She was 5 years younger than me, had a subtle Northern accent and was good company but I'm really struggling to say much more about her other than the fact that she occasionally went to the shops in a onesie and having worked in numerous bars in her youth; had discovered, after intensive research, how to make the perfect Gin and Tonic. She was a nice person but I didn't have any burning desire to see her again after the date had finished, and I think that she probably felt the same as we both didn't make any attempt to contact each other again.

Date 70

"I left the North, I travelled South."

With my match subscription expiring and none of the free sites bearing any fruit, I decided to venture back onto Guardian Soulmates after almost a year's absence. They sent me a special discount and I signed up again because I'm tight and clearly a dating whore.

My last experience on GSM had been very different from when I'd been on it a few years ago. In the golden years of 2008/9 I went on over 40 dates, yet when I tried it again, after its ill-fated relaunch last year, my time on it was characterised by rarely getting any replies to my messages and only managing to go on two solitary dates. This time around and after a month; the dating and messaging results are similarly barren.

Date 70 had first made contact with me last year when I had my previous subscription. During that time we had exchanged a few messages and then they just fizzled out without us meeting. I was quite surprised, therefore, when she emailed me again this time around, and she was super keen to go out for a drink.

We met up on a Sunday afternoon, went to a couple of bars, had about 4 pints and reminisced about our childhoods. She was a fellow Geordie and only a couple of months older than me, so we'd grown up in exactly the same area at the same time. It was a very pleasant afternoon despite me having to do the vast majority of the talking and she was very nice but after it had finished; I just didn't feel any great longing to see her again. I'm also ashamed to say that throughout the date I kept wondering what had happened in the last episode of The Bridge (one of the best tv shows ever made) and I was dying to get home and watch it, which is never a good sign. I got the impression that she possibly might have wanted another date but I never heard from her and I made no effort to contact her either.

This was a quite a rare experience for me as most of the time I'm quite keen to go on another date with someone, as quite frankly I normally fancy most of the women I meet, but on this occasion I just felt thoroughly underwhelmed. I've also gone on a bit of a rant in other blog entries, where I've often wondered why others haven't wanted to see me again and I think this has given me a bit of an insight into how people have thought when they've met me.

Date 48

"Oh, yes, you can kick me, and you can punch me, and you can break my face but you won't change the way I feel."

This was the last time I went on a date with someone off Soulmates, and I've not been back on the site over 18 months later.

After a lot of e-mail communication with this girl, who I think was 5 years younger than me, we met for our first date at the Southbank. I can't really remember that much about it but it was fun and we drunk a lot and ended up sharing a kiss, and she was very keen for a second date.

For our next rendezvous, we went and had a very nice meal at a tapas restaurant near Waterloo and afterwards we drunk a substantial amount at a really grotty pub nearby. By the time we got out she was extremely pissed, and being a strong girl, she more or less dragged me into an alleyway and pinned me up against the wall and snogged me without coming up for air. The fun then really started when we got back to Waterloo station. As I was about to bid farewell and get my train home, she asked me to come back to hers. I politely declined purely on the basis that it was a school night and that she was completely legless. I was then taken aback by her reaction as she, without warning, landed a very firm punch to my shoulder and immediately burst into tears. I didn't really know exactly what to do, as believe it or not, I'd never experienced anything like this on a second date so I spent the next 15 minutes or so comforting her on the Waterloo concourse while she wept uncontrollably. When she stopped crying we eventually parted our separate ways in order to both catch our respective last trains home.

I have to say that I was quite gob-smacked by the evening's finale and when I got home I received a text from her saying that she was completely devastated and she'd completely understand if I didn't want to go on any more dates. In retrospect I should have just walked away but I actually felt sorry for her and decided to give her another chance. Big mistake.

For our third date she suggested we should go to a Japanese restaurant near where she lived in Brixton and I have to say that it was a lovely little place and the food was superb. We then ended up going back to her flat, but nothing happened and all we did was sleep, although she did at one stage start a big argument with me as I wanted to pop outside for a cigarette, and she completely lost it with me. Despite her short fuse though, she definitely had qualities that I liked about her, and although I was having my doubts, I didn't want to make a rash decision that I might regret.

Anyway, our fourth and final date occurred a week or so later and she was very intense and stroppy, and accused me all night of looking at every other woman wherever we went amongst other things. We then both made our separate ways home and I remember her having a face like thunder when I said goodbye to her.

The next day she then proceeded to send me a stream of very abusive texts and e-mails. They were very muddled and I can't remember them that well but I think she was basically accusing me of looking at other women as part of a pre-prepared strategy to make her dislike me. I suggested to her that maybe we should concentrate on being friends to which she emphatically said she didn't want my friendship and promptly deleted me from Facebook.

I automatically assumed that that was the last I'd heard from her when a few days later she sent me a very long and non-abusive e-mail apologising and saying that she was emotionally immature and that she'd been hasty in lashing out at me. I accepted her apology and being the big softie I am, accepted her new friend's request on Facebook.

A couple of weeks later she sent me an e-mail suggesting that we should go out as friends for a few drinks during Christmas. Being the festive season and not being online much, I took all of two days to reply and agreed to said request but bizarrely she deleted me again from Facebook and I never heard from her. The phrase 'dodging a bullet' springs to mind.

After this experience I decided that I'd had enough of internet dating. That was until Match.com hooked me in with a special offer to join their website about 6 months later...

Date 2

"I say no, you say yes, and you will change your mind!"

Fast forward to 2005: my second internet date and my first taste of using a pay site. On this occasion I signed up with Dating Direct and after using it for a month with little success; I never tried it again.

Anyway, to the date itself. We started off by having a couple of coffees followed by a spot of lunch on Richmond Green. Coincidentally, an ex work colleague of mine happened to be there too, and she told me afterwards that she kept looking over at us to try and get an idea of how things were going and that there appeared to be quite a few periods of silence, which probably says it all.

I can't actually remember much about the afternoon, but at the end she asked me if I wanted to go and see War of the Worlds with her for our second date. I said 'yes' but when I contacted her a day or so later, she'd changed her mind and didn't want to see me again, so that was that and I didn't go on another date until over a year later.