Date 185

"They cannot touch you now."

My very first Lockdown date and it was pretty much business as usual.

I was genuinely really looking forward to this date, as we'd texted quite a lot beforehand, and she'd said that she was too. I was also a bit nervous about what happens on a date during a pandemic when you want to snog?

She drove from Eastbourne to meet me via seeing a friend nearby and parked down my street as I'm near the seafront and it was a ridiculously hot day and was close to 30 degrees. And what did she do upon greeting me? She ran up to me and said "I know we're meant to be social-distancing but it's rude not saying hello properly." Then she flung her arms around me and gave me a hug....

What the hell did she do that for? I'd only recently been allowed to hug my niece and sister days earlier as we'd formed a bubble. I was utterly shocked. Who else had she been doing that to? From our texts, I'd built up a clear understanding that she'd been obeying the guidelines. I'd witnessed people doing this as Brighton had largely ceased social-distancing when the first restrictions had been lifted after 6 weeks or so, but it really knocked me for 6 as I've not even been in a shop for 3 months. At least she didn't snog me though, I guess.

We'd pre-arranged to have a picnic of sorts and I provided the drinks and ordered an Indian takeaway from Deliveroo. As I was using my app, I paid for it and she said she'd go to a cashpoint and pay me back. She also had more food than me, so it wasn't cheap.

Besides the unsolicited hugging, she wasn't really quite what I expected either. Although we only had one alcoholic drink, as she was driving, I got the impression that she was a huge drinker. When we'd first messaged on Bumble, she'd asked if she could reply the next day as she was drunk and all her stories were about alcohol-related escapades. We've all got stories like that but she seemed to have more than most. It had also been her birthday a couple of days earlier and she sent me a photo of her presents, which were mainly all different varieties of bottles of Jack Daniels. There must have been about 25.

She did seem fun but I was still reeling from cuddlegate, so really wasn't sure about her.

After a few hours she had to get back and before she left she said instead of going to the cashpoint, she'd buy me a meal on our second date, which although presumptuous, was fair enough.

Over the next couple of days we texted as normal and on the Saturday night, she was having another birthday party at her house with friends from work. It started at 6pm and she was still drinking at 4am. This backed up my 'alcoholic' theory plus to pre-empt a recent statement by the Police Federation, I pondered the notion that "drunk people cannot socially-distance."

I know she was still drinking at that time as that was the last text that I received from her. I never heard from her again, which I thought might have been her suffering from Jack Daniels poisoning, but as she deleted me from Bumble, I believe she thought it was ok to ghost me. I did send another text which she didn't reply to either just to confirm my suspicions.

It's probably the case that I dodged a bullet due to various reasons but ghosting people after you've had food, drinks and even your parking paid for is just not acceptable. With unwanted physical human contact all I got in return.

Date 136

"I danced my legs down to the knees."

Another contender for shortest date ever with this self-confessed Goth Raver.

She lived very close to me so I suggested that we meet in a pub in my village, about halfway between us as I presumed that we could both drink. I walked there and for some reason, even though she lived 5 minutes away on the bus, she chose to drive.

So, after rocking up in her Goth attire, complete with thick black tights on a very warm evening, she had one lemonade, talked about herself and all the raves that she would be attending for half an hour then said she had to go. I'm not sure if this was to do with my crap jokes or the x-factor auditions standard singer who'd just started her act in the pub. Regardless of this, I really thought that she could have made more of an effort as she didn't seem interested in anything that I had to say and had clearly decided that she wouldn't be staying long beforehand.

Date 91

"You're just the same as I am."

Another Plenty of Fish date and another normal person shocker!

I had a very enjoyable evening with this Irish lady and we even ventured into a few pubs that I didn't know existed....which isn't very difficult considering my knowledge of Brighton drinking establishments is disgraceful.

We had exactly the same taste in bands and films, which is always a bonus and at the end of the night she said that I was a male version of her. My only quibble is that she's a Manchester United season ticket holder, but being objective I have to admire her loyalty as she drives to every home match despite the distance!

We did get on very well but I don't think that we fancied each other and so haven't met up again. However, we are still in contact and I can see us being gig buddies at the very least. This also means that I now have one friend in Brighton besides next door's cat.

She also turned out to be a 'mutual' friend of Date 94 and gave me some interesting advice about her, but more of that to come.

Date 90

"Paint a Vulgar Picture."

I haven't blogged for ages, partly because my dates have been brief and incident free but mainly because I've been on the receiving end recently and read a blog that someone had written about me.

It felt very strange and I didn't like it as it didn't show me in a very good light. Unfairly so in my opinion. I don't intend to write a counter-blog but all I will say on the matter is that the 'blogger' in question had followed the old adage that one should never let the facts get in the way of a good story. As Flavor Flav said numerous times: 'Don't believe the hype.'

Anyway, on to a brief and incident free date night. I met Date 90 through Plenty of Fish and she was actually a lot of fun and very good company. So much so, that there's not really much to say about her as, despite her mad hair, she was a very nice person. I don't think there was anything romantic between us but we did meet up again and had another good time working our way round a few pubs in Brighton. Plus, she wants me to be on her pub quiz team! She did actually have a couple of good dating stories though, about the men of PoF which I can't not divulge.

The first one involved a man who lived in a house boat in Brighton Marina. For their date he wanted to meet on his boat for dinner but she declined so they decided in the end to meet in his camper van in Asda carpark, which is located in the Marina complex. She wasn't that impressed because he turned up wearing shorts and the romantic dinner for two consisted of a ploughman's lunch. At the end of the night he intimated that he wanted her to stay the night but when she said no he told her to leave and drove off back the short distance to his house boat and left her to find her way out of the marina on her own late at night!

She then mentioned a male stripper who'd messaged her on PoF. I was intrigued and I asked what he was like. She said she didn't know as she didn't reply to him as, in her words, it had occurred to her that he'd seen so many tits in his time that he'd only be disappointed by hers even though she though hers were good. I think I'll leave it there...

Date 72

'BPI, MTV, BBC. Please them, please them. (Sadly, this was your life).'

After valiantly attempting to go out on a date from a few of the free sites I'd been on, I had to admit defeat after a good few months of pro-activity resulting in absolutely bugger all. I, therefore, thought I'd give Match another go because of the fact I'd met some decent lasses from there at the beginning of the year and also due to the fact that they'd sent me a voucher to subscribe for a month with 50% off.

After exchanging a few messages with Date 72, I asked her out for a drink as she's in a band and is a muso like me; so I was absolutely intrigued.

As I was a bit early arriving at the designated venue, I had a bit of a wander around elsewhere to kill some time. I hadn't been on a date for three months or more, and I have to say that I was uncharacteristically nervous. However, whilst strolling around immersed in my own little world, I bumped into my first (and best, if you happen to reading this, sir) boss who I hadn't seen for about six or seven years. This thankfully put me at ease and after a brief chat, I moved onto the bar I'd agreed to meet Date 72 at in much better spirits.

Unfortunately, the bar was absolutely rammed and there was no chance of getting a seat but luckily I had a Plan B up my sleeve, so we moved on to a pub about five minutes away and it was a good choice as we got an excellent table straight away.

Things were a little awkward at first as she was quite distant and mono-syllabic in her replies and she asked me whether she'd told me that she was currently selling her house-boat, to which I responded in the negative, and so she said that she was talking to so many people on Match that she'd forgotten who and what she'd told about herself, which made me laugh, although inwardly of course.

Thankfully though, and after a few drinks the conversation started to flow as she told me about her experiences as a violinist and singer in a band. I hadn't heard of them but they seemed to be doing alright for themselves as they'd played at Glastonbury, had done a few BBC radio sessions and had been used as background music on television. We also shared the same passion for a number of the same bands and she regaled me with stories about meeting various people in the music industry whom I liked.

At the end of the date, we went our separate ways, and to be honest I didn't really know how the date had gone. When we spoke about music, she absolutely fascinated and enchanted me but I did find her a bit humourless. I've come to the conclusion that because I've been on so many dates; I now find it difficult to tell if I like someone or not, so I don't know whether my emotions have become numb or I'm just not meeting the right women.

As it turned out it didn't really matter whether I liked her or not as she sent me a message a couple of days later saying: 'My romance radar detects that there probably wasn't anything between us but it was a nice night, so I just wanted to say so.'

At the time, I was impressed (and amazed) at her maturity and honesty so wasn't too bothered, however, a couples of days later I felt genuinely disappointed as I would have happily seen her again if she'd wanted to. I did reply and I said that it would be cool if we could still hang out but she never got back to me.

Date 47

"Media Whore."

This was quite a pleasant evening spent in a bar in Wimbledon. We only had a few drinks and I honestly can't remember anything about her, not that she was incredibly boring, and the conversation was fine, but nothing stands out apart from the fact that talentless Abi Titmuss used to be a close childhood friend of hers (I know, that is really scraping the proverbial barrel!).

She told me afterwards that 'I'd popped her internet dating cherry' and she texted me a few times so I e-mailed her to see if she wanted to hook up again. Her reply made me feel like I'd been rejected for a job interview as it actually went along the lines of 'I regret to inform you that I won't be taking this any further, but good luck in the future.'

Date 11

"I touched you at the sound check; you had no real way of knowing."

Again, I had really high hopes for this date as we'd mailed quite a bit beforehand and she was a Smiths/Morrissey obsessive (I am too, but not in any shape or form in the same league as she was!).

We had a couple of drinks together and she was a very nice person but there wasn't a spark at all. She was also good company and regaled me with stories about all the places around the world that she'd travelled to in order to see Morrissey play gigs. She also informed me that she owned a piece of Moz's shirt and from this she'd also identified which aftershave he wears, which was impressive and scary at the same time.

We stayed in touch for a while but never saw each other again.