Date 90

"Paint a Vulgar Picture."

I haven't blogged for ages, partly because my dates have been brief and incident free but mainly because I've been on the receiving end recently and read a blog that someone had written about me.

It felt very strange and I didn't like it as it didn't show me in a very good light. Unfairly so in my opinion. I don't intend to write a counter-blog but all I will say on the matter is that the 'blogger' in question had followed the old adage that one should never let the facts get in the way of a good story. As Flavor Flav said numerous times: 'Don't believe the hype.'

Anyway, on to a brief and incident free date night. I met Date 90 through Plenty of Fish and she was actually a lot of fun and very good company. So much so, that there's not really much to say about her as, despite her mad hair, she was a very nice person. I don't think there was anything romantic between us but we did meet up again and had another good time working our way round a few pubs in Brighton. Plus, she wants me to be on her pub quiz team! She did actually have a couple of good dating stories though, about the men of PoF which I can't not divulge.

The first one involved a man who lived in a house boat in Brighton Marina. For their date he wanted to meet on his boat for dinner but she declined so they decided in the end to meet in his camper van in Asda carpark, which is located in the Marina complex. She wasn't that impressed because he turned up wearing shorts and the romantic dinner for two consisted of a ploughman's lunch. At the end of the night he intimated that he wanted her to stay the night but when she said no he told her to leave and drove off back the short distance to his house boat and left her to find her way out of the marina on her own late at night!

She then mentioned a male stripper who'd messaged her on PoF. I was intrigued and I asked what he was like. She said she didn't know as she didn't reply to him as, in her words, it had occurred to her that he'd seen so many tits in his time that he'd only be disappointed by hers even though she though hers were good. I think I'll leave it there...

Date 89

"And if you think peace is a common goal, that goes to show how little you know."

I'd only exchanged a few messages with this person from Match before she suggested we meet up for an afternoon drink as she was in Brighton clothes shopping one Sunday. The day actually coincided with a pathetic 'March for England' through Brighton which involved a load of so called hardmen looking for a fight in the name of nationalism. The pub I picked for us to meet at was actually the scene of the most violent confrontation of the day which occurred, unbeknownst to me, about 10 minutes before I arrived. The picture below was taken from inside the pub.

   The Brighton Argus (2014)

When I got there I'd had no idea what had happened as it had just been cleared up, although my date had arrived slightly earlier during the aftermath. I like my dates dangerous.

We only had a few drinks but I thought that we'd got on well and she was very attractive. Unfortunately, I contacted her the next day about a second date and she declined stating that she thought that we were at different stages in our life and she didn't know where it could go. Whilst I don't really know what she meant, at least she was honest.

During our drinks she told me about a couple of guys she'd been out on with dates previously. One of them turned out to be a racist homophobe and the other one was the most serious and non-humourous man she'd apparently ever met. Unbelievably she went out on three dates with both of them! What must she have thought of me to not want to meet up again?!

Date 88

"To tease, torment and tantalise."

My second date in Brighton and my second date using good old Tinder.

I've said it before, but Tinder is really odd. I don't understand why, when I get a match and message someone, the vast majority of the time they never reply. Why have they swiped right in the first place? It can hardly be the cut of my jib either as most people don't even have any text on their profiles: just pictures; so it's not as if there's much to go on.

With this person we messaged for a while and the chat wasn't that earth-shattering, but the novelty of someone actually replying to me kept things going even when she took a week to respond. I was quite surprised when she asked me for a drink as I didn't think she was that bothered so I really didn't have any expectations. As it turned out though, she was lovely and we got on really well.

We had about 4 or 5 drinks and I found her great company. She had some great such stories such as a wine bar nearby an ex used to take her to that was allegedly run and owned by a male porn star. I haven't been able to locate it yet, but I'm still trying.

It also turned out to be her first internet date, which became obvious to me when she actually asked me at the end of the night whether I'd like to go on another date! I'm not used to this honesty and lack of game playing so I automatically said I'd love to. And thus we parted ways and I felt very positive as she wanted to see me again, right?

I texted her the next day and asked if she was free at the weekend. She replied and said no but didn't say when she'd next be free. I didn't hear from her for a week so texted her again and asked whether she fancied another drink the following weekend. She never responded, so I left it because I clearly misread what she meant when she said she wanted to go on another date...

Date 87

"Why is the last mile the hardest mile?"

This was my first experience of dipping my toe into the Brighton dating ocean and not much happened really.

I went back onto Guardian Soulmates as I presumed that it would provide a rich seam of the cream of Brighton female residents, but I've clearly been spoilt by London all these years as they haven't got many members on there. One girl did really catch my eye though and thankfully she replied to me and we went out on a date.

Luckily I'd found a really cool pub a couple of weeks before so we met there. She was extremely attractive and I found her very engaging and good company. We stayed for a few hours and got quite drunk and I thought we'd had a good night.

Sadly this didn't prove to be the case in her eyes though as I when I contacted her the next day to ask about a second date, she made it very clear that she didn't want to go on another one with me. One good thing did come out of this though as she'd just completed the Brighton Half Marathon and this really did inspire me as I'm now going to be running in it in February 2015. So, wish me luck as I'm going to need it...

Date 86

"What she asked of me at the end of the day: Caligula would have blushed."

Hmmm, Tinder's a bit weird, isn't it? I tried it out for a few months and had one solitary date through it. I never got remotely close to getting a date with anyone else bar this next entry. There have been mutual matches along the way, but not many, and none of them have replied to me. Which I just don't get as when one has only got pictures to go on and very little text, if any, then what sort of message am I meant to send to get a response.

Anyway, I digress. With this person, we quickly moved on to email then texting and I found out that she was the ex wife of a famous stand up comedian. Well, I say famous but I hadn't actually heard of him, but people I know had and he's apparently on things like Mock the Week a fair bit. I googled him and there are plenty of videos of him doing his routine on you tube and he did seem quite funny. 

We communicated a fair bit before we actually met and I noticed a couple of things about her such as her mentioning her ex husband every other sentence and also the fact that she was very frisky most of the time. I'm not averse to naughty texts but I do find it a bit odd them being so full on before we've even been out together...

We decided to meet in Clapham one evening for drinks and what struck me first was her bizarre accent. I think she's a year older than me so in her *ahem* mid-30s, and despite living on the south coast and South London for most of her life, apart from 2 or 3 years as a student in Liverpool, she spoke exactly the same as Bubble from Absolutely Fabulous! It was really weird and I asked her about it but she couldn't explain why she did. She was also as frisky in the flesh as she was by text. She couldn't keep her hands off me and after only one drink she moved in for the kill and snogged my face off inside the pub. She also said to me afterwards that when she walked in and first saw me, she wanted to fuck me...which I'll take as a compliment. 

Something else which she did in real life too which I alluded to above was talk about her ex husband... A LOT. I brought it up afterwards and she claimed she didn't but she's in denial as I actually felt I'd been on a date with him too. She'd had a rough ride with him and from what she'd said, he sounded like an arsehole, but most of her anecdotes, good and bad, involved him. I felt sorry for her but I found it a bit awkward when she kept launching herself on me and mentioning him all the time.

I ended the night a bit early as we were both a bit tipsy, walked her to the station then got my train home. She then rang me on the train for a chat! I can't remember what we said but I do recall it being a bit awkward. I then got home and she kept ringing me again. However, this was the night in which some people may recall; my neighbour was having a party which culminated in the police having to be called when he threatened to beat me and my sister's boyfriend up. She was ringing me throughout all of this despite me texting her to tell her the situation and that I couldn't speak to her, yet she still wasn't getting the message!

In the following days, we were still in text contact and I was honest with her and said that I wasn't looking for anything serious. I am, but just not with her. She said she was the same and then proceeded to send me a few naked pictures of herself...which I didn't reciprocate. She was then going away for a week with friends to a rented cottage in Chichester. I say friends, but there were actually going to be about 20 of them including children. She then said that I should come and visit her there so she could have her wicked way with me...how frickin' weird would that have been with me just turning up one night with all those people there? It never happened and things then just fizzled out really and my sole Tinder experience (thus far) had ended with me unscathed...relatively.

Date 85

"Spineless swines, cemented minds."

Having had my move to Brighton fall through at the last minute I became bored and thought: I know, I'll go back on to Guardian Soulmates and make the most of London again until I find another house to move to.

Having exchanged a few messages, she seemed pretty cool so I suggested drinks. She lives sort of Islington way and as I'm a gent I asked if she fancied meeting up in Angel. For her that's a few stops on the tube and for me it takes about an hour and 15 minutes door to door. She actually chose the pub and what a great choice it was, although I got lost and had to ask about 4 people along the way how to get there. Miraculously, I was only 5 minutes late.

I  really fancied her and we seemed to have a lot to talk about, including our geek like obsession with Jaws and sharks in general. There was a fancy dress party going on at the same time so I got to high five SuperTed on his way back from the toilets as no-one had guessed who he was apart from me. We had 3 pints each, which I think was good for a school night then she said she had to go, as, being a Primary school teacher, she had to get home at a reasonable hour for class the next day.

I had a good feeling from the night and texted her the next day to see if she wanted to go out again. She never replied, which there really is no excuse for. I just hope that the children she teaches have better manners than her. And I'll be crossing my fingers that the ladies of Brighton don't possess such ignorance...if I ever get there.

Date 84

"A crack on the head is just what you get."

This was probably the longest that I'd ever gone out with someone I'd met from a dating site but it all ended in very abrupt circumstances and I still have no idea why.

The first date was really great and I met her in a bar next to her work along the Southbank on a Monday night. We hit it off so well that we ended up in a really expensive bar snogging in a booth and not caring the slightest that glasses of wine were £8 each!!!!! I'd always assumed that drinking expensive wine meant less of a hangover, but sadly not...

The first date went well, however, the second one went on to completely overshadow it in terms of being memorable, although not for the reasons I would have predicted. A few days later on the Friday we met near her work again and then went on to Soho and found a great little bar after we'd eaten. I was quite merry and befriended a strangely matched couple sharing our table..then proceeded to alienate the female half by getting all preachy to them about about them smoking; well, I was celebrating exactly a year since I'd given up. When they'd left I then decided to go up to the bar and plead with the landlord to serve us even though time had been called. He obviously didn't budge but asked me if I wanted anything else, to which I replied 'yeah, can you find out for me if I'm going home with that girl over there,' so he silenced the bar and shouted my question at her and she rather sheepishly and speedily made her way to the toilet to lessen her embarrassment and avoid the staring eyes.

However, when she came back from the loo, the fun really started. We left the bar to find somewhere else still serving alcohol, and what happened next is very hazy and I'm mostly recounting what I was told. She was a few paces in front of me then, and I have no idea why, I lost my balance or stumbled and ended up spinning and then going head first into a wall, smashing my brand new glasses in the process. Apparently I was out cold for a little while and was bleeding on the side of my head. She had to mop up the blood using her scarf and managed to get me up and help me to a cafe where she got me sitting up and drinking water. She then called a cab and spent £50 taking me all the way home. And my elaborate ruse worked as we ended up spending the night together! I asked her at a later date if she was going to invite me back to hers that night before what happened and she said no!

She took the above pic whilst we were waiting on the train platform the next morning as she was going home and I was actually going to meet Date 83. It doesn't look that bad but I now have a battle scar in the form of a permanent dent on the side of my head.

The following week we actually met up a few times, including one trip to the cinema and a couple of evenings when we'd actually been out with other people but both happened to be in the same vicinity afterwards. I even ended up meeting one of her best friends, who I'd actually been on a date with before (Date 54)! A couple of nights later, I took her to see my beloved BUG at the BFI and beforehand I told her that I was moving to Brighton after Christmas (I first started seeing her in November 2013). She took it fine...or so I thought. It was also on this night that she invited me to her birthday which was due to be in a few weeks.

We had still been seeing each other on a very regular basis and then the night of her party came. Unsurprisingly, I was super nervous as 12 of her best friends were going to be there, but it helped that I was meeting her for a few drinks beforehand. She works in TV and had been telling me previously how she'd had some bad dealings with Matt Berry (bit of a comedy hero of mine) on various projects and who should we see outside the pub, but the man himself talking on his mobile. I gave him a firm pat on the back and in return received a nasty scowl! I had 3 pints beforehand which helped with my confidence and also met her flatmate and her boyfriend which put me at ease as well. Then we went over to a port and tapas restaurant in the Strand and things couldn't have gone better.

For some reason, the stars must have all aligned at the right time as I absolutely worked the room and all her friends loved me. It's not often I say this but I was the absolute centre of attention and I really was on a charm offensive. I think it helped that I'd had my little fall a few weeks previously as that was a good starting point which they all knew about. I really loved her friends too as they were great people and were so welcoming and made me feel so comfortable. It also helped that the red wine and port had started to flow as well. When the end of the night came I even kissed all the men as we departed...and the restaurant manageress..I really was on fire! Myself, her, her flatmate and her boyfriend then got a taxi back to hers afterwards and I made a rather unfortunate error as I bought a banana milkshake for the journey and this was to somewhat backfire on me later on that night. I felt fine when we went to bed..a little bit drunk but not too bad. Then in the middle of the night, I woke up suddenly and in my haste to get to the bathroom, projectile vomited across the room! I'm so classy...but we concluded that it was definitely down to the milkshake. I felt so embarrassed in the morning but she was very cool about it despite the mess.

The next time we met was just before she went home to Scotland for Christmas and we had a lovely evening meeting for drinks then going back to hers to exchange presents and other things. She got me the below gift which I still love:

At this point she was still going on about her party and how all the friends were still asking about me and that she actually thought that they preferred me to her such was the attention they showed me.

I was due to move on the 10th of January 2014 to Brighton so she came over to spend a very chilled last evening at mine before my adventure to the south coast. By this time she'd met my family too and they loved her. After the move, things then began to unravel.

I was super busy at this time so we didn't have much contact, which was my fault, but I had so much to do with my new house that this is understandable. After a couple of weeks she came to visit and I met her at Brighton station on a Saturday afternoon. What was a bit strange though, was on the morning before she left she said she couldn't stay over as my snoring would keep her awake and she needed to be fresh for Monday morning. Despite this, we had a really good evening and she commented on how easy it had been for her to get to me as the train had only taken 50 minutes from Victoria station. We found the best pub in Brighton by accident and just had a really fun night. Things got a bit weird on the way back to the station as she said she thought that I didn't want her to come as we hadn't discussed it much in the build up but I explained to her that this really wasn't the case and it was just due to me being snowed under with all the work that comes with moving to a completely new area. She also texted me on her way home to say what a great time she'd had.

The next day I asked her if she was free in a couple of weeks time so that we could spend some proper time together in Brighton and stay with me for the weekend. She replied in the affirmative and seemed genuinely excited about it.

We then texted normally for a week and then her texts became vague and short. She also stopped playing Words with Friends (never a good sign) with me. Then I was due to visit London for the weekend and she was going to New York so I texted her to tell her to book her tickets for Brighton for the following week as they were super cheap. In response I received a text from her in which she apologised for not being in touch much but her social diary was going to be busy over the next few months and the distance between us was a problem, therefore, we were going to have to be friends instead. I replied by saying how that was such a shame as I was really looking forward to seeing her again when she was due to come to mine. I never heard from or saw her again. And that was abruptly that.

I wasn't devastated but it made me feel very sad and I also felt very hurt that she chose to end things by a weak text and for her to then just disappear after the fun time we'd shared together. I honestly don't think that distance was the problem and I can only conclude that she met someone else. Who knows though? And to add even more salt to the wounds, another best friend of hers is the wife of a very famous lead singer and guitarist of a world famous band, whom I'd been due to meet very soon...maybe she thought he'd like me better than her. Selfish cow.