Date 153

"And I would like to give you what I think you're asking for."

Having cancelled our first planned meeting due to her head not being in the right place, and after a loss of contact for a month; we set up a coffee date for a Saturday afternoon in Brighton.

Being a scout leader, Disney obsessive and self-confessed crazy person, I was a bit worried that we wouldn't be compatible. She let me know at regular intervals as to how crazy she was.

I also found out that she had a voracious sexual appetite. Eight days before we were due to meet, I was out on, what turned out to be, a very substantial pub crawl in Lewes with a male former work colleague. We'd intended to meet for a few pints at midday and still found ourselves drinking at around 9pm. I got a text from crazy Daisy that her Ann Summers party had been cancelled and that she was out on the piss near where she lived. She wanted me (and my friend) to come and meet her and then go back to hers to spend the night (I'm not sure if she meant my friend for that part though). When I received the text I was on the train home very inebriated and just wanted to go to sleep. I did give it some thought though, as her explicit texts were very persuasive, but getting home when I did and not having a hangover the next day proved to be the best decision I could have made, especially as I had a Morrissey gig the next evening!

On my way to meet her the following week for coffee, she texted me to ask if I'd be wearing a red carnation and waiting for her under a clock. I asked how I'd recognise her and she said I'd know it was her as she'd be the nutty one...which is no mean feat on the concourse of Brighton station.

We had coffee and lunch at a cafe (which she kindly paid for her) and she talked about sex the whole time. This also included showing me pictures on her phone of her dressed up in a couple of sexy Christmas underwear outfits. After going for a walk along the seafront, in which she talked about sex, we went to the pub for a couple of drinks and she told me what she wanted to do to me sex-wise. She had to go home to take her 19 year old son to a party and then wait for him for four hours and bring him back when it had finished. However, she kept thinking up plans how to have her wicked way with me that evening. Her best one was have me go back with her then go to the cinema while her son was at his party and not watch a film but sit at the back while we did stuff under a coat....

I turned down this classy suggestion and said we should call it a day while the going was still good. On the bus home, she texted me to say she couldn't read me and wondered what I'd thought of her. I could have taken the easy option and said I'd meet her for a second date, get home and regret it, then worry about meeting her again, go through with it and not enjoy myself. I then had a bit of an epiphany and decided to take the brutally honest route. I told her that I couldn't see anything between us other than something sexual (which I'm not even sure I could see anyway). This offended her and she got arsey. I've never had a fuck buddy before, so it's not something I've ever enquired about with anyone but she really wasn't impressed with my suggestion. 

After going on a bit of a rant saying she didn't want to be anyone's friend with benefits and that why couldn't I just see how things go between us, she said she'd step aside so I could meet someone else and that we're both at different stages of our lives in terms of what we're looking for. I got home and felt a huge sense of relief. What a crazy afternoon.

Date 152

"Girl Afraid"

This is probably the most extreme example of how people can turn out to be very different from their online, or in this case telephone, persona.

During the week before our date, this woman began ringing me up every night and we'd talk for 3 or 4 hours at a time. She was confident, hilarious, charming but a bit intense. For her job she spent most of her time on the phone and did the occasional voiceover for her clients' telephone information services, and her voice was very sexy and her enunciation was very pleasing on the ear.

As we had so much in common music and humour-wise, she'd already arranged our second date before the first one had happened. And she saw us meeting and getting on for our first date as being a formality. This was also her first dabble in the world of internet dating and I think she got carried away with things.

I thought she was great too but every time she'd make plans for the future with us, I'd say let's get Sunday over with (the day we met) and take things from there as there is the possibility that we wouldn't get on. She'd told all her friends and family about me and she also was so desperate to meet me that she tried to see me before, firstly, she asked me to come to a friend's party with her which I turned down as I said that would be weird as I'd not met her yet and the second time she wanted me to meet her for drinks near where she lived and spend the night with her, either with her or in the spare room. On this occasion I was doing something else.

During our time on the phone she'd find it difficult to hang up and the first time we spoke until 2am. Another time we'd talked for 3 hours and she texted me afterwards to say that I was difficult to let go of. She also said on more than one occasion that our calls and texts had been the most romantic few days of her life. I found that weird. I enjoyed talking to her and I was really looking forward to meeting her but the language she used in those cases worried me a bit.

Finally the day came to meet and it was a total anti-climax. It was underwhelming and flat. But not due to my efforts.

She'd warned me beforehand that although she appeared outgoing on the phone, she was a total introvert and extremely shy. She drove to my village from Kent and was over an hour late as she'd got the time wrong but that was ok as she'd let me know and she was coming to me. I knew she was nervous so I wanted to try and make her feel at ease and I wanted to impress her so I bought her flowers, chocolate and a CD. I don't normally do that on a first date and I won't again.

She didn't look anything like her pictures. If we hadn't been talking on the phone when she got out her car then I wouldn't have known it was her. She had no make-up on and looked a bit scruffy. She had very nicotine-stained teeth too which was a turn-off. In her photos she'd looked glamourous and she'd also sent me a pic of her going to a party the night before and she was stunning. I genuinely felt like she hadn't gone to any effort to meet me, whereas I felt that I did.

We went for coffee initially, then a pub and she wasn't the person I'd been speaking to for hours on the phone. It felt like I was with an imposter. She told me she was on edge as she'd never met a 'stranger' off the internet before, as she put it, but even taking that into consideration; she came across as cold and unfriendly. Before we'd met she told me that the first thing she was going to do was run over to me and snog my face off...that never happened as she was very stand-offish.

After lunch we went for a long walk along the Brighton coastline, where she chain-smoked, and although the conversation flowed, I got the impression she didn't want to be there. However, despite all this I wanted to see her again as I felt sure that if we met for a second date then her nerves would be gone and her loving, funny and warm personality from our phone calls would come out. I tried to make the day less nerve-wracking for her and put her at ease. I'd also probably fallen into a trap a bit as all the things she'd said we could do together in the future sounded fun.

She had other ideas though. I contacted her afterwards but she ghosted me for a few days and sent me this text:

I had my phone next me all night and no call came through. This really disappointed me as I'd said after the date that I wanted to see her again. Even though the date had been a bit shit I'd hoped that we had enough in common to show that there was potential. I'm also sure that I'm just the same online as I am in real life. I replied by saying that I'd not blocked her as there was no reason why I would have and told her to take care. She must have really not liked me in person...

Date 151

"Bought on stolen wine."

This was a successful date in terms of us both really getting on but sadly there was no romance between us, however, we're still in touch as friends.

Having the same taste in music was a rare treat for me so it was good to talk about our favourite bands and she's definitely got excellent potential to be a gig buddy (writing this has made me wonder why I didn't invite her to one I went to on my own to the other night...so at least this has jogged my mind if nothing else!). She's also allergic to beer and wine, which is a very unfortunate side-effect from a bout of malaria years earlier, thus making her tastes in alcohol quite specific. I think that I may be allergic to red wine too but I only seem to get a reaction after two bottles.

Date 150

"I was only joking when I said I'd like to smash every tooth in your head."

I've no idea how we ended up actually meeting as we weren't going to be compatible.

This didn't have anything to do with compatability but the first thing I noticed about her was how awful her teeth were. I realised why she had her mouth closed on all her profile pics as her teeth were either crooked, missing or decaying. She also seemed a bit drunk when she turned up too.

We had a couple of drinks but the date pretty much consisted of her reading out live texts from friends of hers in a Whatsapp group as a couple of them were in hospital having minor operations. She was laughing her head off but funnily enough I wasn't as amused, due to not knowing them, so I called an end to proceedings in an amicable manner before things got out of control.

Date 149

"Still ill."

I was quite patient with this date but didn't get much back in return. Things had been a bit unusual to start off with as after chatting for a while and agreeing to meet up, she asked if we could become friends on Facebook as her mother (yes, that's right...her mother!) wanted to make sure that I was real.

She also revealed shortly before our first date that she'd been married to another woman for 19 years and so wasn't very experienced when it came to dating. This didn't faze me whatsoever and I was surprised when she said how relieved she was by my reaction as other men she'd told this to, had run a mile; which in this day and age is a very sad state of affairs.

We were due to meet in Brighton for drinks on a Friday night, however, she cancelled with a few hours notice as she said that her mum was ill so she had no-one to babysit her children. We then rearranged for the following Friday night. I then didn't hear from her so I contacted her on the Thursday to check whether we were still on and she asked if we could meet for coffee on the Saturday instead. I was losing interest at this point and was going to say no as coffee dates never lead to anything in my experience, plus I felt this was a downgrade. In the end I agreed and we met in a cafe.

She was very pleasant and open about her marriage and said that although she didn't label herself as bisexual, she had been out with men before she met her ex-wife and was looking to date people regardless of their gender. We only met for about an hour and made plans to meet again. I'm not sure if I fancied her but I was happy to see her again.

I booked a restaurant for a Friday night a couple of weeks later and then a couple of days before, she cancelled due to illness. I texted her again a week or so later to see if she was still interested in meeting up and she said yes and that she'd contact me again when her cold had gone. I never heard from her again.

Date 148

"I must put you behind me tonight."

I've probably said this before but this is when online dating can be such a mindfuck. I've no idea why I keep putting myself through it (probably because I'm addicted and stupidly optimistic).

This solitary date is up there with one of the best I've ever been on. I met this 42 year old restaurant manager in my current favourite craft beer establishment in Brighton, and all the signs pointed to there being a mutual liking for one another. When I first saw her, it may sound crass, but her pictures didn't do her justice as she was beautiful. I had been extremely nervous about this date as we hadn't had much contact and the last time I came to this pub, the date was a disaster.

We stayed in the pub all night until closing time and I really didn't want it to end. We had so many things in common and the conversation really flowed. We got chatting to a couple on another table and told them we were on a first date and every time my companion went to the toilet or outside for a smoke, they said how much she'd told them she was enjoying the date and how she really liked me. In retrospect this probably didn't do me any favours as it possibly gave me a false sense that she liked me more than she actually did. She was also very touchy feely which all the experts in magazines say is a good thing! Right?

We even snogged and planned our next date, then held hand hands as we got in our respective taxis.

I was cautious but quite excited the next day about her. I even told my sister about the date and I never tell her about any of them, such was my misguided optimism. We texted during the day about our respective hangovers and things were going well until I asked if she was free to meet up the following week. She said she would be but was working in London between Monday and Thursday, so I suggested Friday. She didn't reply until the next day and there was a definite shift in tone as she said she now had friends visiting for the weekend but didn't suggest an alternative. I then asked when she was next about and she didn't answer the question but again reiterated how busy she was at work and that she had a really bad cold. The texting stopped and so I messaged her the next day and asked if she was feeling any better and got no reply.

I waited a few days and after not hearing from her I sent the following message and got the following reply:

Due to the fact that she hadn't responded to my previous text and the radio silence, I had been expecting this but I did feel sad even though I had been trying to prepare myself. I was definitely guilty of getting too excited but I'd been hopeful due to the signs she'd been giving off initially. I, of course, over-analysed her response as I found it patronising telling me to keep looking and if she's so busy then why is she dating? The date had been great and communication the following day had gone well but the day after that there was a definite sea change which I can only put down to her sobering up and coming to her sense as I really thought I was worth a second date.

Date 147

"When usually it's nothing."

My last date of 2017 and it was quite a brief one and certainly not as dramatic as the one a few days earlier. Which was definitely a good thing.

I think we matched on Tinder and she was very keen to meet up after not really being in contact that much. Despite not knowing much about each other, I was surprised by how much we had in common, and we certainly had a lot to talk about. However, after 2 or 3 drinks she said she had a party to go to so I was home before 8pm.

I genuinely got the impression that she did have other plans, although she hadn't told me beforehand and she didn't want another date so it was a good, solid exit strategy regardless. Maybe first dates should only last a few drinks just to see what someone is like instead of the drunken affairs they sometimes turn into.