Date 120

"Has the Perrier gone straight to your head?"

Another quick Tinder date which only lasted a couple of drinks despite us having a lot in common with music etc. As she commuted into London each day she left after about an hour as she had to get up early the next day. I took this to mean that she probably wasn't interested in another date but I contacted her the next day anyway and, not to any great surprise, she wasn't in favour of meeting up again.

It was a very uneventful date and the only two things I can remember about her were that she used to be in a band in which she played bass-guitar sitting down cross-legged on stage dressed in a Victorian outfit, and that she'd claimed to have invented a new drink. Her drink of choice was a lager spritzer in which she had half a lager put into a pint glass with soda water then added to the brim. This confused many a bar-person as to what to charge her but also enabled her to drink pint after pint without getting absolutely hammered.

Date 119

"A friendship sadly lost?"

To me, living less than 20 miles away from a potential girlfriend is no distance at all. My last meaningful relationship involved going to North London every couple of weeks so I'm happy to travel. When replying to my first message on Plenty of Fish, Date 119 was up front and warned me that she wasn't interested in a long-distance relationship. My response was that we only lived 18.3 miles apart so then she said, ok, well if it doesn't bother you then lets meet up for a drink!

I was really excited about meeting up with her and as she lived in Eastbourne I said I'd venture over to her if she suggested a pub as I'd only been once or twice, so my knowledge of the place was virtually zero. I wanted to be on top form as well as I was keen to impress her...however, that bit didn't quite go to plan.

The previous night I'd been out with a friend in Hove, and there's no other way of putting this, but I got absolutely shitfaced. She put me in a taxi home but for some strange reason I asked the cab to drop me off at a village green about 15 minutes walk from my house. The next thing I can remember was being woken up by three young 'samaritans' at 4am asking me if I needed an ambulance...still on the village green! I can only assume that I passed out or just fell asleep. They at first thought I was a dog which I can only guess was because I had a furry hood on and a peak cap, and no doubt I was snoring my head off which probably sounded like growling. When they realised I was a male human, they actually dialled 999 as they thought I'd collapsed but I assured them that I was merely drunk so they cancelled the call. They then went above and beyond the call of duty by walking me all the way home. I was so grateful to them and feel very lucky that they found me as things could have been much worse. When I woke up the next day, I was so embarrassed as I'd never done anything like that before and have always managed to get myself home even when very inebriated. Besides guilt and embarrassment, my stomach didn't feel too good either. Luckily, I wasn't out until the evening so I stayed in bed for as long as I could but all I could manage to eat was a slice of toast and about 3 crisps all day. I was determined to go on my date though!

Door to door it took me about an hour and a half to get there. I also arrived about half an hour early so went for a stroll, then ordered a coke and sat in the pub, still not feeling great. Even though she lived about 10 minutes away she still managed to be half an hour late so I was in there quite a while, probably looking a bit worse for wear.

When she did rock up I wasn't disappointed, and forgive me for my shallowness, but she was the most beautiful woman I've ever met. Even though she was 49 and therefore 9 years older than me, she genuinely looked like someone in their mid-thirties. She was also the spit of Suranne Jones, which was brilliant as she happens to be a celebrity crush of mine. At various points of the night, I thought I was actually having a drink with the real Ms Jones, but this could have been down to the fact that I might have still been drunk from my previous night's escapades. For the rest of the evening I just had a water and a coffee and explained the reason for this, which she found funny. I think that that was a real disadvantage though as a combination of tiredness and sobriety probably didn't show me in a true light.

Besides this setback, I thought that we got on well, although we clearly didn't have the same music tastes. She asked me what I liked and I said The Smiths. She then went on to surmise that because of this I must like U2 and Coldplay as well. I stared at her blankly.

At the end of the night I got the impression that she wanted to see me again, however, when I texted her the next day, she said yes but only as friends. I was very disappointed but I said that was ok.

A week or so later I contacted her to see if she fancied visiting Brighton one evening. She said she would have done but she happened to be away when I'd suggested a night. A few days later she blocked me on Facebook despite there having been no further contact between us. I can only assume that she was offended by my profile picture which captures the moment that I met Brian Blessed, so she's obviously not a fan.

Date 118

"Oh, but please put your tongue away."

I'm really surprised that this woman from Plenty of Fish only wanted to see me for a couple of dates as I thought that she was quite into me.

On our first date, I fancied her but I didn't really feel that there was much chemistry between us, however she was quite tactile with me and kept touching me (my arm, leg etc. obviously!) and urging me to keep moving closer to her. We had a few drinks and kissed a little bit too.

We agreed to see each other again the next week and she cancelled an HOUR before we were due to meet. Door to door it takes me nearly an hour to get to the pub we'd said we'd go to and I was all dressed up and just about to leave my house when she let me know. Five minutes or so later and I'd have been on the bus. I wasn't impressed. She said she'd had to work late but I still don't know how she couldn't have let me known earlier. I wasn't really that bothered about seeing her again but she insisted that we meet up the following week.

For our second date (take 2) I was actually very taken by her in a complete reversal to date one. We found a bar open until midnight, drank a fair bit, made arrangements for date three and even had a proper snog.

Sadly date three never materialised. I texted her the next day to see if she wanted me to book a restaurant and five days later she replied and said 'you are a lovely bloke but just not for me.' I wasn't that disappointed but I was more annoyed at myself for agreeing to another date after she'd cancelled at such short notice.

Date 117

"I just feel that we're going no place."

Even though I went on three dates with this woman from Plenty of Fish, there's really not much to say. We got on well, all the dates were good fun and she's genuinely very funny. I haven't seen or heard from her for a while as our communications just fizzled out despite discussing meeting up again.

In fact the most memorable thing that really stands out is this amazing Salad Nicoise that I ordered on our third date:

All I can really say is that she's a lovely person and if we meet up again then we might make good friends.

Date 116

"I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour."

I can't remember much about this Tinder date other than that she was from Croydon and rode a horse that she was convinced was gay.

I fancied a jaunt to London and agreed to meet her at the SouthBank (one of my old haunts). Things were a bit awkward at first but after I'd given her an Easter chocolate treat (this isn't a euphemism and it was Easter Monday) and had a few drinks; we got on quite well.

After we'd eaten we then started ordering doubles whilst she chain-smoked roll-ups and got quite tipsy quite late into the evening. However, although I'd had a good time, I didn't have the urge to contact her afterwards, other than to thank her for the enjoyable evening, and she must have felt the same as we've not spoken since.

Date 115

"And the pain was enough to make a shy, bald Buddhist reflect and plan a mass-murder."

I have to say that I wasn't impressed by this date from Plenty of Fish when I initially met her. She lives in the same village which I thought was great as I don't really know anyone really local to me as I live in the sticks a bit.

The pub that I'd suggested we meet in, unbeknownst to me had a busy function going on, so when we both arrived, it was so rammed that we decided to go elsewhere. This wasn't so bad though as we then ventured into a pub that I'd wanted to try since I moved here and it was quite a decent one. What annoyed me a bit though was that we had 2 or 3 drinks and she didn't once offer to buy me or herself one which is a bit rude. I also didn't find her very interested in anything that I had to say.

I didn't plan to contact her again, and I never heard from her either, but a month or so later I texted her. I figured that even if there wasn't a romance between us it would be good to have a local acquaintance to hang out with.

I'm actually really glad that we did meet up as we had a great time, although I don't think it could be classed as a second date. The first time I met her, she made a big point about her being very spiritual and following Buddhist ways and rarely if ever drinking alcohol. However, on this occasion, we went and sat on the beach as it was a gloriously hot afternoon and drank 5 bottles of beer each. We then went to the most amazing Indian restaurant and shared a bottle of wine over dinner. During the afternoon she mentioned to me that she wasn't dating anymore as the internet method didn't agree with her as she felt it was all about rapid gratification, and she preferred taking the time to get to know someone. I don't think anything will happen between us but our second meeting was fun so I hope that at least we can become buddies, especially as she lives so near me.

Something else that was quite funny occurred when she got a text from some friends of hers who were on the beach too, asking if she wanted to meet up. She ignored the text though and had to secretly and stealthily make her way to the toilets as she was drunk and couldn't let them see her like that as they wanted to meet her for a ceremony that she performs in which she isn't meant to have had any alcohol for two years! 

Date 114

"I was bored before I even began."

This was a rescheduled date as she'd cancelled the first one due to illness. She'd also vetoed my first suggestion of a pub to meet up at as she said that she'd always felt uneasy in it but didn't know why. It's one of my favourite ones in Brighton, although during one of my last visits there; someone had had a suspected heroin overdose in the toilets so maybe she's got a point.

As it turned out we didn't stay in my second choice pub very long anyway. She told me that she'd been on her first internet date the previous week (I was her second...what an amateur) and had kept in touch with him as friends. He'd emailed her that day and asked how her dating was going and she said she was on a date in the evening and he was also. At the same bloody pub! I told her it would be a bit weird if he came in, and she agreed, so we beat a hasty retreat with only moments to spare.

We didn't stay in the next one that long either. I feel really bad about saying this but I was quite bored and so I ended the evening prematurely. She was really nice but I just wasn't feeling anything at all, which is rare for me as I usually fancy everyone. I even said to her at the end that I didn't feel a spark but that we could still be friends. I NEVER say that at the end of dates and she was actually quite shocked and let out an accentuated 'wow.' I must be getting fussy in my old age.