Date 178

                                    "A double bed and a stalwart lover for sure."

After chatting quite a lot on Bumble, our first date was arranged only a few hours before we ended up meeting. We both had a free Friday evening so met in a pub near me.

If I can be allowed to be shallow for a moment, I was pleasantly surprised when she walked in the pub as her profile pictures didn't do her justice and she looked a lot younger than she actually was. We got on really well and got pretty drunk and we ended up going back to my flat and sleeping together.

The sex was great. The best I've had in a long time. Although she'd lived in Brighton for years and years, she'd grown up in Croydon and at one point during the night, her previously hidden strong South London accent came to the fore when she said "can I suck your dick?" You had to be there...

We really paid for our drunkenness and lack of sleep in the morning though. She went home in a taxi and straight to bed but I had to make my way to East London to see Newcastle thankfully beat West Ham 3-2. I'm not sure how I got there on only one hour's sleep but the adrenalin and jubilation got me home. This might have been different had we lost.

The next day she texted me and wanted me to go to an event with her in which loads of her friends were going. I felt this was a bit fast to be meeting her friends but she was very insistent and kept going on about it all day, even though I kept saying no. It sounded like a really good show but the thought of meeting her friends felt daunting but she wouldn't let it go. I thought that was that but then she invited herself round after it had finished and drove over.

It was about 8pm on a Sunday night and so we went for a walk along the seafront and went back to my flat for a cup of tea. I liked her but she was becoming really intense and talking about future things and it felt like she thought we were a couple. She was fairly recently divorced so I think she was looking to go straight from that to another serious relationship.

I couldn't see her that week as I was having building work done at my flat so stayed elsewhere for a few days. Her texts were becoming really incessant though, to the extent that if I didn't reply instantly then she would send another one not long after.

I was getting really put off by this and if I didn't reply straight away I'd feel guilty!!! This went on for another week and I just wasn't enjoying being in contact with her. She was a really nice person but every time I thought about having another date it just didn't make me excited.

In the end I thought that I just had to put an end to things. I was worried that she'd react in an adverse way so I got a friend to help me compose a text to her. I know how I feel when I like someone and it's not reciprocated so it's best to let the other person know what's happening. I told her that we'd had a lovely time together but it's not the right thing for me and that I hope she understood. She took a day to respond but she was really nice about it so I got an unusually mature response from someone for a change.

Although I am looking for a meaningful relationship, she just wasn't the woman I want one with.  In spite of the fact that she sounds like Adele (her description of her accent) in the bedroom. And I don't mean her singing voice.

Date 177

"Shyness can stop you from doing all the things in life you'd like to."

Just before our first date, while I was walking across Charing Cross/Hungerford Bridge over to the South Bank, I received a text from 177. It partially showed up on my watch as "I think that the elastic has gone in my..."

Obviously, when I read the full text on my phone it turned out to be her tights! I'm not quite sure why she was telling me this though, and she didn't know either. It sort of summed her up though as she was a funny one in all meanings of the word.

After a few drinks, I suggested dinner and she was overjoyed and said that no-one had ever taken her to dinner on a date before. I wasn't sure if she was taking the piss at first with her reactions but she just tended to get very excitable about things.

The evening was fun and in the days afterwards she basically invited herself to my place in Brighton a couple of weeks later for a horror movie night. So, she came over one Friday evening. We had a lounge picnic, watched a horror film, drank wine and swapped dating stories (unsurprisingly I had a lot more than her).

When it came to sleeping arrangements, I offered her my bed and said I'd sleep on the sofa but she was insistent that we sleep together. This led to partial sex until she got shy halfway through and the rest of the night was spent with us writing song titles by The Smiths on each other's backs with our fingers and having to guess them. Her idea.

The next morning I made us breakfast then had a shower. After her shower she announced that she'd left the bathroom door open and was disappointed that I hadn't joined her. So, she was certainly giving off mixed messages. She then proceeded to run around my flat like a child who's had too many Smarties, and began jumping on my bed. At this point, I didn't really know what to make of her, so I was quite relieved when she eventually decided to go home.

We kept in touch, but the texts fizzled out and I wasn't too bothered about seeing her again, particularly as it would have been only a matter of time before she found my secret stash of Sunny Delight.

Date 176

"And you must be looking very old tonight."

I initially had thought about cancelling this as, although I was yet again travelling to London to meet her, she'd said that on first dates she only met for a drink or two and not for long. In reality, that's sensible and probably how first dates should be, but I wondered if it was worth my while going all that way.

I got there a bit early and nabbed an impressive diner style table in a bar then got a text from her saying that she was also there. I knew she was a few years older than me but the only other person in there was sitting over the opposite side in a pink jumper, but she looked in her late 50's at best. I got another text from her saying that she was wearing a pink jumper...

I saw her go to the bar out of the corner of my eye, order a drink and make her way over to me. For a split second I thought that there was maybe more than one person wearing a pink jumper in the bar that evening, but she said my name inquisitively and told me that she was normally good at recognising men from their profiles. The irony wasn't lost on me as, I'm not saying that she lied about her age, but she was meant to be about 5 years older then me and not 15. Meeow.

As it turned out, she was a really nice person and we had a few drinks, as opposed to a couple. It was quite clear that a second date wouldn't be happening but she sent me a really lovely message the next day saying that I'd restored her faith in humanity. I'm not exactly sure how I did that, so I can only assume that I was polite and normal in comparison to the nutters she normally meets.

Date 175

"This town has dragged you down."

Geordies (me) historically don't mix well with mackems (people from Sunderland). However, as I'd never been out with a mackem before, I decided to put it to the test and go against my gut feeling and Newcastle upbringing.

I, again, travelled to London to meet her and she told me that she sounded like infamous mackem Lauren Laverne. I had my doubts though as Ms Laverne in reality, has a very obvious Geordie accent, and my date sounded neither Tyne nor Wear. I couldn't quite pick it, but she sounded more Yorkshire.

I have to confess that she beared an uncanny resemblance to someone I dated for a few months last year, which was unrequited and...is it a bit weird that that was a contributing factor in me wanting to meet her?!

As it turned out, in person, I found her a bit obnoxious and cold. She didn't really have any interest in finding out about me and it was difficult to get a word in due to her telling me about all the famous people she knew. 

I should have listened to Ant 'n' Dec.

Date 174

"Work is a four letter word."

I sensed that there would be problems here as she didn't seem to ever take a day off work. Being a nurse and also running her own business in London and Cornwall meant that she never stopped.

We met along the Southbank one evening, as she uncharacteristically was taking a couple of days off. There was an incredibly powerful downpour as she was on her way to meet me so had to walk around the bar in her bare feet as her socks and shoes were absolutely drenched.

We went for dinner too and got on really well, although her taste in music is rather questionable. After eating, we went to the bar at the Royal Festival Hall and witnessed a rather bizarre event. A woman was happily tapping away at her MacBook, surrounded by empty plastic cups, and every so often would lean over and vomit all over the floor, but was making no effort to get to the toilet or clean it up. In the end my companion talked to the bar staff and they intervened to help her out, as she was absolutely shitfaced and in a really bad way.

That obviously didn't hinder the night though and we had a bit of a snog (me and my date, not the drunk vomity girl). We also discussed having a second date where she'd come and visit me in Brighton.

I didn't really hear much from her as she apparently wasn't taking another day off for another month or so. I did get a text from her a few weeks later saying she was going to be in Brighton for work on a Sunday so she could see me for a little bit. As it happened, I was meant to be having friends round and she was actually going to be in Crawley, which is about 20 miles from me. I couldn't cancel my friends coming round as it was such short notice so suggested she could come over afterwards. She said that she didn't fancy waiting in her car for a few hours (which isn't what I had meant, plus she hadn't given me any indication of when or if she'd actually make it over to Brighton) and she had to be up early for work the next day. I did enquire when her next day off would be and she thought she had a solitary Friday off soon. I asked if we should pencil it into our diaries but she didn't respond and that day came and went, and I've not heard from her since.

We did get on really well but when someone likes Elbow, I see that as a big red flag. Along with being mostly unavailable due to work commitments.

Date 173

"Do you think you've made the right decision this time?"

We'd initially agreed to meet just for drinks in London but nearer the time she asked if there were any exhibitions that I wanted to go to. I suggested the Stanley Kubrick exhibition at the Design Museum in Kensington, as it was about to finish and I'd been wanting to go for ages.

We went for a Friday afternoon so I got the tickets and met her up there. I knew straight away that she wasn't my type but she seemed nice anyway. It was a really fascinating collection of memorabilia from all his films and being a particularly big fan of The Shining: I loved it.

We were only in there for just over an hour though, as it wasn't that big so went to a pub afterwards nearby. We had a couple of drinks, which she saw as recompense for the £20 tickets, and she then toddled off to a work colleague's leaving drinks. I then headed back to Victoria Station and spent the train journey home wondering why I hadn't just gone to the exhibit on my own.

Date 172

"I never talk to my neighbour."

An odd thing happened at the beginning of our first date. She turned up a bit late and said that she could only stay for a little while as she was a stand-up comedian and she'd just received a call to say that she had a gig, which she had forgotten about. She seemed really nice and we had a couple of drinks.

I did, however, think that this was an elaborate ruse as she'd never mentioned before that she was a comedian. And when I asked her about contacting her about a second date she said that just after she'd been reminded about her gig, she dropped her phone down the toilet and it was drying off at home in a bowl of rice...

Bizarrely though, when I got home I did some detective work and she is a stand-up comedian, and a funny one at that. The story about her phone was also true as when she'd got a new one, she texted me and we made plans for a second date.

Although we both live in Brighton, I was in London for a couple of days and she met me at the Southbank as I had tickets for BUG with Adam Buxton, and we also had dinner at Ping Pong. It was a really enjoyable night, but it was evident that there was no chemistry between us.

I moved a couple of weeks ago and I now live a couple of streets away from her, so she came round for coffee to check out my new gaff. Thankfully she liked it but I don't think she'll be dropping by anytime soon to borrow some sugar. I also went for a walk with her along the seafront and she told me that she'd recently not turned up for a date as she forgot, but essentially blamed it on the poor guy as he hadn't reminded her...despite him remembering to be there.