Date 113

"The Story of my Life."

You meet someone and you fancy them, they're funny, clever, great company, they collect vinyl and read graphic novels and they're 8 years younger than you. You spend the whole evening with them and they absolutely enchant you but the only problem is they don't fancy you back....story of my life...

After sharing a bottle of wine (we went halves on it) with this delightful date from OKCupid, she said she wanted to go out for a second date at the end of the night. However, when I texted her to ask if she fancied dinner for our next dalliance she'd decided that we'd be better as friends and that she hoped she hadn't misled me. We then met up again in that capacity for more drinks a couple of weeks later and it was another good night. It also transpired that she likes her men big and hairy, with her current crush being the character of Andri from the BBC4 Icelandic drama: Trapped.

Maybe I should get a makeover...

Date 112

"I left the South, I travelled North."

I was really excited about meeting this person but less enamoured when she suggested a coffee date; which in my experience is a terrible idea.

She'd contacted me initially on Guardian Soulmates and had wowed me with her eloquence, humour and a shared love of Columbo. She seemed eager to meet me and clearly wasn't put off by me being about 8 years younger than her!

When we met in a cafe I'd chosen, I couldn't help but notice that she looked a bit disappointed when I rocked up, and as such it turned out to be quite a short date. I knew that she'd met someone for lunch beforehand, and after one coffee I suggested that we move on to a pub but she told me that she was meeting a friend for dinner so had to go. I have to say that I really fancied her and the chat was good but I felt that I was just killing time for her in between meals.

I received an email from her a few days later and she said that she'd just received a job offer to work in Liverpool, out of the blue, and that she was going to accept it and she contimued:

"It has made me realise that I am really not sure where work will take me in the medium term. I can also see  that means our lives are very different so I doubt that there would be any possibility of us becoming friends or anything more."

Either that's the most elaborate excuse anyone has ever used not to go on a second date or she's moved to another region entirely just so we don't bump into each other again.

Date 111

"The hills are alive with celibate cries."

I got the impression with this person after a few dates that she was taking me for a ride, so when things ended I was a bit disappointed but not at all surprised. On her Guardian Soulmates profile her blurb about herself was in the form of a poem and so I sent her an equally poetic first message. When she replied she seemed to be genuinely thrilled by my creativeness, although she did ask if I had just copied and pasted the same poem to other women as a first message; which I found a bit strange as I'd included her name in it and had incorporated her interests and other aspects of her profile into it...

Our first date actually took place at the same pub I'd met Date 110, as I'd relayed the story back to her and she wanted to meet there to see if something similarly funny would happen. It didn't but it was still a very fun night and we actually managed to share two bottles of wine between us. I'd also arrived there feeling a bit ill and by the end of the night my voice had completely gone and didn't come back for a few days as I had a very bad throat infection.

I really fancied her and I was very pleased when she agreed to a second date and so I booked us a table at a really posh vegetarian restaurant in Brighton. It was again a fun night and we went through a lot of wine, and whilst I waiting for her; one of the Hairy Bikers walked past me. She did have funny fashion sense though and I'm still not sure about the outfit she wore, which included a very tight dress and thigh-high velvety boots. She did give me a big smacker on the lips though when I walked her to the bus-stop.

Even though we'd been on a couple of dates, I still felt that I didn't know much about her and because she was going into hospital for an operation on her nose; I wouldn't be able to see her again for another month or so. In between dates I didn't really hear from her much besides the odd, short text and it was quite common for messages then to just stop abruptly. I did message her in hospital though to see how she was getting on which I think was good for brownie points.

When we did eventually meet up for our next date she suggested we should go for a walk and pub expedition, which I wan't that sure about. She was due to get the bus over to where I live, as it's quite countryish but as it was a freezing cold and windy day she decided to drive over as her newly operated on nose was feeling painful. When I met her in the pub though, she seemed genuinely pleased to see me and I was feeling in good spirits so bought her lunch too. It was very pleasant despite a flatulent dog sitting near us polluting our meal; and she actually asked the dog owner to take it outside!

Even though she was worried about her nose and the coldness, we went for a long walk over the hills near me and I showed her Steve Coogan's house. We then went back into my village and found to our displeasure that every cafe and coffee shop was closed so we had to venture into a pub which was hosting a wake. It wasn't completely dissimilar to a scene from the tv series Shameless and there seemed to be quite a lot of tension in the air along with an abundance of tattoos and buggies. She said she was going out to the cinema with a friend that night so when she left it was only about 5pm, and because she was driving, we'd barely had anything to drink.

When I messaged her again the next day about another date, I asked if she wanted me to book a table at another restaurant and she said that sounded good and that she'd get back to me when she'd sorted some childcare out. Ten days later I'd heard nothing and texted her to see if she still wanted to go out for a meal. She replied and said she'd not been able to get a babysitter and apologised for not letting me know...She also said that, as she was having an extension built at her house, she couldn't afford to go out for a meal so we could we just go to the cinema the following week instead.

We agreed to meet at a pub the following Saturday and she ended up being half an hour late. I'd also bought us a £22 bottle of wine to share and she never once offered to go half's or contribute to it. Afterwards we went to the cinema, which I'd booked seats for, and she kept her coat on for the whole film. It finished at 11;15pm and I'd presumed that as she was low on cash, she'd be going straight home. This wasn't the case though and as we neared my bus-stop she told me that she was going to meet some friends in a pub and then basically just fucked off without me.

This really pissed me off unsurprisingly and I vowed never to contact her again after this grand act of rudeness. A couple of weeks later though, I still felt a bit intrigued by her and texted her casually to say that I was going to be in Brighton on the evening of Good Friday at a friend's 40th birthday and told her which cocktail bar we'd be in. She replied and said that her goddaughter was staying with her then and that they'd be out in town anyway so they'd pop in. I then instantly regretted mentioning it to her and pretty much forgot about it as I didn't expect her to turn up anyway. As it happened, she texted me during my friend's birthday and said she had been in Brighton but had gone home feeling ill and couldn't make it...

Exactly a month after our fourth and final date, she sent me a text out of the blue, saying that she thought that we were both in agreement that we were not right for each other and she wished me good luck for the future. I thought it was interesting that she spoke for me there although she was probably right! I had always though that our dating had been a very one-sided experience though as I'd always arranged everything and I tended to initiate making contact. Not seeing her very often over a period of a few months wasn't very good for momentum either and in retrospect she wasn't that interested in me; with lust probably being my main motivation.

Date 110

"Does the body rule the mind or does the mind rule the body? I dunno."

I'd agreed to go on a date with this person from OKCupid a few months before but I actually cancelled it. The reason being that before we were due to meet up, she told me that she was polyamorous. I hadn't heard of this before but she explained in basic terms to me that she had more than one sexual partner and that rather than fuck buddies she saw it as them being really good friends who could be intimate with each other and hang out together, but it wasn't just about sex. She also said that the key to it was that all of them were honest with each other so they all knew about what was going on.

At the time we were due to go on a date originally she was seeing two guys, with one of them being polyamorous and the other not being so, but they both knew about the other guy. As I wasn't familiar with the concept I explained to her that I was looking for a relationship with one person and she completely understood and so we never met up then.

However, a few months later I regretted the decision and so I got in contact with her again and we met in Hove for drinks and a cheeseboard. As it turned out she was a truly lovely person and we had a lot in common. There wasn't any chemistry between us though and she actually said that to me halfway through the evening! She did also say that she was having a lovely time and was enjoying the evening and I was in agreement.

During the date something a bit weird happened though as a woman in very tight leather trousers started going to all the tables trying to take selfies with other girls. She came up to my date and did this but then wanted her to properly kiss her and take a picture of it! My date didn't want to and physically squirmed, and so the woman moved onto another table and tried to do the same with other women. Then she moved onto the men of the pub but inexplicably completely ignored me. Which is a shame as I was well up for it...We couldn't work out if she was doing it for a dare or she was a swinger as the bloke she was with started trying to take selfies too, but he soon gave up due to a lack of interest from others.

At the end of the evening I was very kindly given a lift to my bus stop (by the polyamorous lady, not the leather trousered swinger) and, although we've not met up again, we've stayed in touch as she really is a genuinely lovely person.

Date 109

"What to be said of her?"

If my previous date had been rude then this one took things to a new level. We'd been chatting for a few days on Match and very last minute on a Saturday night, she asked me if I fancied meeting up for a drink an hour or so later.

The pub we actually met in first was rammed due to it being full of Brighton football fans so I took her to my favourite pub. This may not have been a good idea for a first date though, as when I went down to the toilets, a man had passed out from a suspected heroin overdose in a cubicle. When the owner was trying to ascertain what had happened she asked me to go elsewhere even though I was mid-flow weeing into a urinal. I told her that I wasn't physically able to do so!

Anyway, I digress, as we shared a bottle of wine (me and my date, not the heroin OD guy) and got on very well, mostly talking about our vinyl collections...

We then went to a restaurant and it was the second establishment we'd been to that night in which an ambulance had to be called. Thankfully this time it wasn't class A drug related (well, I don't think it was) but just a poor old guy who'd taken a tumble going down the stairs. Luckily he was ok after being checked over by a paramedic.

I wouldn't normally do this, but I'd had an enjoyable night and I was feeling generous, so I paid for her dinner too. I'm quite happy to do this when I've been seeing someone for a while but this was probably the first time I'd done this on a first date. I wish I hadn't in retrospect.

At the end of the night she told me that she'd had a really fun evening and so I contacted her the next day to see if she fancied a second date. She never replied. Not even a thanks but no thanks. Some people...

Date 108

"And people are rude and cruel to you."

This set the record as the shortest date that I've ever been on. I think that it lasted less than half an hour, although it felt longer as it was awkward from start to finish.

I can't actually remember which site she was on (probably Match) but as soon as I met her, I knew that it had been a mistake. We met in a pub and the first thing I asked her was where she lived in Brighton. I've only lived here a short time so I don't know it that well and to me that's a normal question to ask on a date. Bizarrely, she refused to tell me and said something along the lines of that she didn't want to reveal any information like that to me and that I should just assume that she lives in Brighton....

When she said that, I actually thought about just getting up and leaving. I very nearly did but I kept my composure and tried to make small talk with her, being conscious not to ask any personal questions! I suppose she'd maybe had a bad experience in the past, hence her being on the defensive but it seemed quite a strange reaction and an odd way to begin a date.

After I'd finished my drink I asked her if she wanted another one, purely out of politeness and she ummed and aahed a bit and said that she had to meet her daughter at the station. I then said goodbye to her outside and she asked me where I was going. I pointed in the direction of my bus stop and she said she she was going to Hanover, so in her parting gift I found out where she lived and that she wasn't meeting her daughter as the station is in completely the opposite direction...

Date 107

"The Death of a Disco Dancer."

I'd spoken to this date on a few different sites in which we'd agreed to meet up but then she'd always disappear so I had an idea that she was a bit flaky.

I think that we eventually arranged a date on Guardian Soulmates and we met for drinks in Brighton on a Saturday night. She was a bit older than me and really funny, although I don't think that I was the one for her as she said she liked bad boys. I found this quite amusing considering she was in her mid 40's and a mother of two children, but after hearing some anecdotes about bad boys she'd dated; then who am I to judge?

After we'd been to a couple of pubs she took me to the Green Door Store. It's a well known gig venue but they have club nights too. She said she needed to dance. I can't dance. I'm scared of dancing. The word 'dance' makes me break into a cold sweat. Even when I'm drunk I'm too self-conscious to dance.

She dragged me onto the dance floor and I just watched her. I couldn't join in so she started dancing with other people. I badly wanted to dance with her and I still maintain that if it had been an Alternative, Indie or 80's night then I would have, but the music was of a terrible soft rock variety. I stood on the sidelines with a drink and sort of tapped my feet a bit and pretended to look like I was having fun whenever she stomped past me and made eye-contact. She told me afterwards that she often popped in on her way home of an evening for a dance on her own. Is that a common thing? Am I missing out?

We actually agreed to meet again just before Christmas but she cancelled a day before and when I tried to rearrange she never replied. I can't stop thinking that if only they'd played the music to the Hokey-Cokey that night, then a second date would have happened as that's a dance that I know the moves to.