Date 153

"And I would like to give you what I think you're asking for."

Having cancelled our first planned meeting due to her head not being in the right place, and after a loss of contact for a month; we set up a coffee date for a Saturday afternoon in Brighton.

Being a scout leader, Disney obsessive and self-confessed crazy person, I was a bit worried that we wouldn't be compatible. She let me know at regular intervals as to how crazy she was.

I also found out that she had a voracious sexual appetite. Eight days before we were due to meet, I was out on, what turned out to be, a very substantial pub crawl in Lewes with a male former work colleague. We'd intended to meet for a few pints at midday and still found ourselves drinking at around 9pm. I got a text from crazy Daisy that her Ann Summers party had been cancelled and that she was out on the piss near where she lived. She wanted me (and my friend) to come and meet her and then go back to hers to spend the night (I'm not sure if she meant my friend for that part though). When I received the text I was on the train home very inebriated and just wanted to go to sleep. I did give it some thought though, as her explicit texts were very persuasive, but getting home when I did and not having a hangover the next day proved to be the best decision I could have made, especially as I had a Morrissey gig the next evening!

On my way to meet her the following week for coffee, she texted me to ask if I'd be wearing a red carnation and waiting for her under a clock. I asked how I'd recognise her and she said I'd know it was her as she'd be the nutty one...which is no mean feat on the concourse of Brighton station.

We had coffee and lunch at a cafe (which she kindly paid for her) and she talked about sex the whole time. This also included showing me pictures on her phone of her dressed up in a couple of sexy Christmas underwear outfits. After going for a walk along the seafront, in which she talked about sex, we went to the pub for a couple of drinks and she told me what she wanted to do to me sex-wise. She had to go home to take her 19 year old son to a party and then wait for him for four hours and bring him back when it had finished. However, she kept thinking up plans how to have her wicked way with me that evening. Her best one was have me go back with her then go to the cinema while her son was at his party and not watch a film but sit at the back while we did stuff under a coat....

I turned down this classy suggestion and said we should call it a day while the going was still good. On the bus home, she texted me to say she couldn't read me and wondered what I'd thought of her. I could have taken the easy option and said I'd meet her for a second date, get home and regret it, then worry about meeting her again, go through with it and not enjoy myself. I then had a bit of an epiphany and decided to take the brutally honest route. I told her that I couldn't see anything between us other than something sexual (which I'm not even sure I could see anyway). This offended her and she got arsey. I've never had a fuck buddy before, so it's not something I've ever enquired about with anyone but she really wasn't impressed with my suggestion. 

After going on a bit of a rant saying she didn't want to be anyone's friend with benefits and that why couldn't I just see how things go between us, she said she'd step aside so I could meet someone else and that we're both at different stages of our lives in terms of what we're looking for. I got home and felt a huge sense of relief. What a crazy afternoon.

Date 133

"And when a train goes by, it's such a sad sound."

This date and I had first made contact about 18 months previously through Tinder. We had been going to meet up but she cancelled last minute and disappeared.

Then a couple of months ago she contacted me out of the blue and we got chatting again, spoke on the phone then finally decided to go on a belated first date.

As she lives in Kent, we worked out that Hastings is roughly half-way between us so met for lunch. I'm sorry if any Hastings residents are reading this but it is an absolute shithole. Although I'm only quoting lyrics by The Smiths for this blog, it's a shame I can't use one of Morrissey's solo efforts and describe it as 'the coastal town that they forgot to close down,' as although that song isn't about Hastings, it really could be.

I know Hastings a little bit through Date 99, so I found a cafe in the old town area as it is actually quite decent and different from the rest of the place. So, we had coffee and lunch and then she announced to me that she had a chiropodist's appointment so had to go. I genuinely think she did but I'd have appreciated a bit of notice as I consequently missed my train, had to wait an hour for the next one then ended up getting home 3 hours later due to the vagaries of Southern Railways.

Before she left though, we made plans for a second date a week or so later in Lewes, which is a lot easier for me to get to. However, that never took place as she cancelled at the last minute and when I suggested rearranging she said yes, but she saw me in the role of friend rather than anything romantic.

I was a bit disappointed as I was looking forward to seeing her again but she is one of the flakiest people I know. I've not seen her again but she sporadically contacts me then disappears; as is her wont. She's also a bit humourless at times as I found out when I was being a bit jokey in some text messages and she got quite passive aggressive and told me in no uncertain terms that I was annoying her and she didn't appreciate me besmirching her character, which I really wasn't doing. On second thoughts, I'm probably better off without her!

Date 104

"No hope, no harm. Just another false alarm."

I knew as soon as I first laid eyes on this Jersey Lady in the flesh that we were going to get on, and it also helped that she was beautiful. We started messaging each other through Match and agreed to a date fairly quickly. There was a slight logistical problem, in that she lived in North London whereas I'm in Brighton now, but I just happened to be staying in the big smoke for a couple of days and she happened to be off for the week when I was going to be there, so that worked out perfectly.

We met in an old favourite of mine: the Benugo Bar at the BFI along the South Bank and we instantly clicked. We got fairly tipsy but after about 4 hours she had to go and meet a friend for dinner so I walked her to the restaurant she was going to and then I went off and had a meal on my own. Before we went our separate ways though, she said that she wanted to see me again.

For our second date she wanted to come to Brighton so I made arrangements to meet her at the station. Unbeknownst to us at the time, the Saturday that we were meeting on was Brighton Pride. If I didn't know beforehand then I knew when I got into the centre. When I got into town I just couldn't move as the whole place was completely rammed and I couldn't get to the station as the parade was taking place. She called me to say that her train had got in so in the end I had to run in front of a float and dive through the crowd on the other side and hotfoot it to meet her. From then on we went from pub to pub and had a couple of meals. We also had our first snog, in the queue for a cash-point, which I was told at a later date was a very disappointing first kiss. We had an amazing day and watched the sun go down on the beach. It was nearly time for her to go home and I just didn't want the day to end so I asked her if she wanted to come back to mine. She shared the same sentiments as me and agreed. By this time we were more than merry and made a schoolboy/girl error of opening a bottle of wine when we arrived back at my house...I wish we'd had a cup of tea.

We managed to have sex during the night but when she woke up the next morning she had the Hangover from Hell. She couldn't get up as she felt so sick and had a throbbing headache but she had to get home to London. I live out in the sticks so I'm not really that near the station and I couldn't drive her as although I didn't really have a hangover; I still felt drunk so I didn't want to take the car. I said I'd pay for a taxi for her but she refused and so I walked her into my village and put her on a bus to the centre. I don't know how she made it home without throwing up but thankfully she was ok, despite it taking her over 2 hours to get home by bus, train and tube!

Afterwards we both admitted that her coming back to mine probably shouldn't have happened, mainly because she was such a nauseous waker, but we were getting on so well that it seemed a good idea at the time...The next couple of dates involved me going to London for the day and then her coming back to Brighton again on another weekend, and on both occasions we went home alone at the end of the evening as, despite the fact we were talking on the phone every week and texting every day, we wanted to take things slowly.

By this time we'd been going out for a couple of months and I was due to be staying in London again for a few days. I was going to see Morrissey in Hammersmith so I stayed at a hotel about 20 minutes walk from the venue.

I enjoyed it a lot but I was looking forward to the next night as we were going to be seeing each other again. I met her after work the next day and we went out for dinner and then went back to my hotel where we slept together for only the second time. She took the next day off work and didn't end up going home until 10:30pm the next night as we mostly spent the day in bed, only surfacing for food.

During the next few days she appeared very distant and vague, and so finally I asked her what was up. She rang me that night and said she wasn't feeling it and that us living too far away was a problem. We had a very frank discussion and by the end of it she admitted that she'd just been over-thinking things and that she wished she hadn't said anything to me as she wanted to keep seeing me. Things then seemed back on track again.

She was due to see me a couple of weeks later in Brighton, but due to engineering works we met in Littlehampton and I treated her to a Birthday celebration. I booked a table at the below restaurant, which was on the seafront and bought her dinner.

The food was beautiful and we had a long walk along the beach afterwards...again watching the sun go down. It was very romantic and the only downside to the day was that one of the presents that I bought her was the Spaced boxset, which she hated when she saw it. I thought it was a good neutral comedy to buy but I should have known it wouldn't be up her street as she's a big Miranda fan. Besides that, things appeared to be going really well again.

A couple of weeks later she accompanied me to one of my closest friend's 40th Birthday at a pub in Notting Hill where she met some of my best friends. It was lovely being there with her and I felt so proud when introducing her to people. I stayed over at her flat for the first time and she made me a roast dinner the next day, which was restaurant standard and I went back to Brighton in the evening. The only problem was my snoring, however, which meant I was banished to her spare-room half-way through the night.

We didn't see each other again for a good few weeks due to both of us being busy but to make up for it we planned to spend 3 nights together! It would be the most time we'd so far spent with each other and we were both giddy with excitement in the days leading up to it, even going so far as to text each other how many sleeps we had left each day. We'd been getting on brilliantly and were face-timing as much as we could and we could just talk about anything with each other and were never lost of words.

The weekend came and she journeyed down to meet me in Brighton on the Friday afternoon as she had taken the day off and fancied a jaunt away from London. I'd booked a table for dinner in the evening and then we headed back to her flat in North London afterwards, where I again had to relocate to the spare-room after she'd had her wicked way with me. The next evening I'd bought us tickets to see my favourite comedian, Adam Buxton, in Islington and it was quite a fun night as there were other acts on too.

The next day, after sleeping in the spare-room again, we went out for further adventures as she'd bought us tickets to The Crime Uncovered Exhibition at the Museum of London. It was fascinating and a subject I'm really interested in, having just completed a course in Forensic Psychology. She seemed a bit grumpy, but I thought that that was just her as in all the time we'd known each other she was grumpy EVERY morning. That evening I was going to see Garbage at Brixton Academy with two other friends of mine. I'd bought the tickets months ago but she still wanted me to stay at hers even though she had work the next day and so I made my way to the venue on my own. It was really enjoyable and I didn't end up getting back to hers until nearly midnight. We tried sleeping together again but my nasal antics woke her up so I volunteered to take the sofa as I wanted her to feel refreshed for work. I couldn't have the spare-room as she was having a lodger move in the next day and the room was newly-prepared for him. The next morning we said our goodbyes as she went to work and I went back to Brighton a couple of hours later.

That was the Monday and on the Tuesday our relationship was over. She'd started being a bit distant again so I knew what she was thinking. I again asked her what was going on and she said she'd ring me that night. I knew what was coming and waited until the evening when I got a text late saying could she ring me the next night as she was really tired. I said no, so she reluctantly face-timed me and told me she wasn't feeling it and that my snoring and the distance was a problem. I tried to hold it together but I cried a bit, which made things a bit awkward as she started crying and abruptly finished the call.

I was really upset but not entirely surprised as I'd been paranoid ever since she'd said she wasn't feeling it the first time round. We didn't have anything in common whatsoever, in terms of music, film, tv etc. however we just got on and I'd always told her that this was a good sign as we didn't need to have common ground.

A week later I'd heard nothing more but I couldn't get her out of my head so I texted her to tell her that I missed her. She replied and said she was sorry and that she cared about my well-being but she had to be true to me. We then face-timed a again a few days later and we spoke through things for a good hour and a half. She said the snoring and distance weren't really the problem but she stopped feeling it for me halfway through our weekend together and became irritated by me being there and she couldn't stop herself snapping at me (this is exactly what happened to me with Date 99 when we had our ill-fated trip to New York). I asked her if we could try and work things out and she said although she'd missed our texts and being in touch she hadn't actually missed me and had just been getting on with things. We both started to cry at various points and she had to go off for a few minutes on one occasion as she said she couldn't bare to see me upset. However, we still shared the odd laugh and I'm very grateful for her to have the balls to explain to me what went wrong. I knew there was no going back which gave me closure and we both agreed to cease all contact with each other. She blew a kiss at me and then that was that.

She assured me that it wasn't anything that I'd said or done, which I think is true but I still don't how you can be excited to see someone one day then go off them over night. She would often tell me that in between us seeing each other she would wish her life away as she just wanted to be with me and I felt the same. To me the distance didn't matter either as I felt that it meant we'd always make the most of our dalliances together and they'd always be special. Whilst I have my imperfections, she wasn't Mary Poppins herself. She drank a lot, was a real party girl and would ring me so drunk I couldn't work out what she was saying sometimes and I was once woken up by her at 2am one night as she was crying in a taxi because she was so pissed. Her grumpiness was a pain sometimes but I just accepted these things as I really liked everything about her and I'm a very tolerant and easy-going person. She broke my tiny heart but I just think she doesn't know what she wants and I wonder if she's looking for something that doesn't exist. I wasn't experiencing the initial butterflies I used to get when I saw her but I still loved being with her and I still got excited when I was due to meet her. Doesn't that just happen over time?

I will remember our time together fondly though and I respect her decision totally.

Date 73

"I lost my bag in Newport Pagnell."

After permanently deleting or deactivating all my dating profiles on Guardian Soulmates, Match, Plenty of Fish, OKCupid and Tastebuds, my life appeared to have a void in it; so I joined a site that I'd never been on before called Lovestruck.

My first impressions of the site were good in terms of its design and search facilities and it has plenty of members. My only sticking point initially was the price as it's vastly more expensive on a monthly basis than any site that I have ever used before and I don't quite understand how they can justify that. The whole site is geared towards 'busy' professionals who want to date and so you can only sign up if you live in one of 8 cities in the UK e.g. London, Manchester, Birmingham etc. I suppose some people may see that as being a flaw but as I currently live in London; I'm not interested in meeting anyone too far away. Another feature the site offers is that you can show whether you're free for lunch or dinner each day, which is not something I'd ever use as I prefer to exchange a few messages first, although that may appeal to some people.

After initially signing up, I quickly received quite a few winks and a couple of messages and so I was sorely tempted to subscribe but I resisted for a few days as I was still put off by the high price. In the end I signed up for 3 months as the deal they offered for that was significantly lower on a month by month basis.

Funnily enough, after being subscribed for a few weeks, the interest shown in me by others before I became a fully paid up member dropped to virtually zero...hmmm, I wonder why that is? I guess my status as 'fresh meat' wore off pretty quickly.

I wasn't exactly enamoured by Date 73 at first as one of her initial messages informed me that her flatmate thought that I looked like a serial killer. However, after a few more emails she asked me if I fancied meeting for a drink so I said yes.

The date nearly didn't happen as when I was making my way into London, I started to suffer from vertigo and nausea on a train platform and nearly cancelled. It did pass after a while though and I assumed it was just nerves, although after feeling worse the next day I found out that I had an ear infection.

The date itself was fine, and she'd just got back from visiting Newport Pagnell, which was great as it gave this blog entry an easy title. As a lot of you may have noticed; this blog is named after a song by The Smiths, and each dating entry has a lyric or song by them at the beginning, and luckily, Morrissey once mentioned the aforementioned Milton Keynes town in one of their songs.

She was 5 years younger than me, had a subtle Northern accent and was good company but I'm really struggling to say much more about her other than the fact that she occasionally went to the shops in a onesie and having worked in numerous bars in her youth; had discovered, after intensive research, how to make the perfect Gin and Tonic. She was a nice person but I didn't have any burning desire to see her again after the date had finished, and I think that she probably felt the same as we both didn't make any attempt to contact each other again.

Date 11

"I touched you at the sound check; you had no real way of knowing."

Again, I had really high hopes for this date as we'd mailed quite a bit beforehand and she was a Smiths/Morrissey obsessive (I am too, but not in any shape or form in the same league as she was!).

We had a couple of drinks together and she was a very nice person but there wasn't a spark at all. She was also good company and regaled me with stories about all the places around the world that she'd travelled to in order to see Morrissey play gigs. She also informed me that she owned a piece of Moz's shirt and from this she'd also identified which aftershave he wears, which was impressive and scary at the same time.

We stayed in touch for a while but never saw each other again.

Date 1

"This Night has Opened my Eyes."

Back in the heady days of 2004 I went on my first internet date EVER! And after this experience I'm actually amazed that I went on any more.

Internet dating was very much in its infancy and far from socially acceptable or the norm that it is today. The site in question which I used for my first jaunt was called Love at Lycos, and it actually no longer exists. It was a free website and in the days before sites like Facebook and MySpace, it was a bit of a pioneer in terms of social networking, as, although it was primarily a dating site, it contained a lot of the same features as the aforementioned sites, such as a 'wall' to leave comments on and picture sharing capabilities.

Now to the person in question. On paper it should have been a match made in heaven, though in reality it was far from it. She was originally from Leeds, a producer on 6music (also very much in its infancy) and a huge Smiths and Morrissey fan. So far, so good, I hear you say. Well, that's what I thought, but before I even met her, there were a few warning signs.

The first time the alarm bells started ringing was when she sent me some pictures of her. We'd been in contact for a week or so and she didn't have a profile picture, so she sent some to my email address one day. Before you think that I was put off by her appearance then you're way off the mark as she was quite attractive, however, as I was at work that day, I didn't get the chance to reply until I got home that evening. By which time, along with the email with her pictures, she'd sent a couple more emails asking me why I hadn't replied instantly and that she'd presumed that I hated them etc.

I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt on this occasion, however, something similar happened a couple of days later. In the job I was in at the time, I worked for a Government department and because of security reasons, it was impossible to get a phone signal inside due to the windows being bomb proof. Consequently, we'd been texting each other when I was outside during my lunch hour, then I went back to my desk and didn't switch on my phone again until I was walking to the tube at home time and awaiting me was a stream of texts demanding to know why I was ignoring her! I decided to be very firm with her and explained the valid reason I had by not replying to her texts, but I was starting to get the distinct feeling that she was a tad insecure... Anyway, I'd already agreed to meet her by this time and thought what the hell.

As this was my first experience of meeting anyone for an internet date, I was extremely nervous in the days leading up to it. I'd also told all my work colleagues about it, but because internet dating was quite a new thing, I'd not told them where I'd 'met' her (and I never did), although they may have guessed as I was very vague about it at the time.

So, the big day arrived and we met at Waterloo station before going to Covent Garden and finding a decent enough pub. The first hour went really well as we just talked about music and we seemed to be getting on well. However, things soon changed when she uttered the now immortal phrase (well, I can still remember it clearly): "I don't want to talk about The Smiths anymore, I want to talk about US!!!!!"

Obviously, I was very much taken aback by this as I'd only met her in the flesh an hour before and she wanted to talk about our 'relationship.' I have to also add at this point that although I can remember quite clearly some of the things she said to me, my memory is a little hazy in terms of the timeline of these utterances as it was nearly 7 years ago.

Some other things I recall her saying to me involved her stating that if we went out then I wouldn't be able to have any close female friends, which would have been a big problem as the majority of my friends are female, and I think it was at this point that she even said to me that she could see that I was a bit shocked and that I could leave if I wanted. As it happened we did leave soon afterwards because she was due at 6music's Steve Lamacq's DJ night, but not before she pushed me up against a wall outside the pub and forcibly snogged my face off.

She then embarked on a trip to Australia for three weeks a few days later and on her return, late one night, she sent me a text asking if she could ring me. I'd been working late that night so had gone to bed when I got home as I was absolutely knackered, and because of this I replied explaining the situation and I asked if we could speak the next night because I was so tired, which I genuinely meant as I was quite prepared to talk to her. However, she texted back saying that she got the message and that I'd never hear from her again. Okay...