Date 104

"No hope, no harm. Just another false alarm."

I knew as soon as I first laid eyes on this Jersey Lady in the flesh that we were going to get on, and it also helped that she was beautiful. We started messaging each other through Match and agreed to a date fairly quickly. There was a slight logistical problem, in that she lived in North London whereas I'm in Brighton now, but I just happened to be staying in the big smoke for a couple of days and she happened to be off for the week when I was going to be there, so that worked out perfectly.

We met in an old favourite of mine: the Benugo Bar at the BFI along the South Bank and we instantly clicked. We got fairly tipsy but after about 4 hours she had to go and meet a friend for dinner so I walked her to the restaurant she was going to and then I went off and had a meal on my own. Before we went our separate ways though, she said that she wanted to see me again.

For our second date she wanted to come to Brighton so I made arrangements to meet her at the station. Unbeknownst to us at the time, the Saturday that we were meeting on was Brighton Pride. If I didn't know beforehand then I knew when I got into the centre. When I got into town I just couldn't move as the whole place was completely rammed and I couldn't get to the station as the parade was taking place. She called me to say that her train had got in so in the end I had to run in front of a float and dive through the crowd on the other side and hotfoot it to meet her. From then on we went from pub to pub and had a couple of meals. We also had our first snog, in the queue for a cash-point, which I was told at a later date was a very disappointing first kiss. We had an amazing day and watched the sun go down on the beach. It was nearly time for her to go home and I just didn't want the day to end so I asked her if she wanted to come back to mine. She shared the same sentiments as me and agreed. By this time we were more than merry and made a schoolboy/girl error of opening a bottle of wine when we arrived back at my house...I wish we'd had a cup of tea.

We managed to have sex during the night but when she woke up the next morning she had the Hangover from Hell. She couldn't get up as she felt so sick and had a throbbing headache but she had to get home to London. I live out in the sticks so I'm not really that near the station and I couldn't drive her as although I didn't really have a hangover; I still felt drunk so I didn't want to take the car. I said I'd pay for a taxi for her but she refused and so I walked her into my village and put her on a bus to the centre. I don't know how she made it home without throwing up but thankfully she was ok, despite it taking her over 2 hours to get home by bus, train and tube!

Afterwards we both admitted that her coming back to mine probably shouldn't have happened, mainly because she was such a nauseous waker, but we were getting on so well that it seemed a good idea at the time...The next couple of dates involved me going to London for the day and then her coming back to Brighton again on another weekend, and on both occasions we went home alone at the end of the evening as, despite the fact we were talking on the phone every week and texting every day, we wanted to take things slowly.

By this time we'd been going out for a couple of months and I was due to be staying in London again for a few days. I was going to see Morrissey in Hammersmith so I stayed at a hotel about 20 minutes walk from the venue.

I enjoyed it a lot but I was looking forward to the next night as we were going to be seeing each other again. I met her after work the next day and we went out for dinner and then went back to my hotel where we slept together for only the second time. She took the next day off work and didn't end up going home until 10:30pm the next night as we mostly spent the day in bed, only surfacing for food.

During the next few days she appeared very distant and vague, and so finally I asked her what was up. She rang me that night and said she wasn't feeling it and that us living too far away was a problem. We had a very frank discussion and by the end of it she admitted that she'd just been over-thinking things and that she wished she hadn't said anything to me as she wanted to keep seeing me. Things then seemed back on track again.

She was due to see me a couple of weeks later in Brighton, but due to engineering works we met in Littlehampton and I treated her to a Birthday celebration. I booked a table at the below restaurant, which was on the seafront and bought her dinner.

The food was beautiful and we had a long walk along the beach afterwards...again watching the sun go down. It was very romantic and the only downside to the day was that one of the presents that I bought her was the Spaced boxset, which she hated when she saw it. I thought it was a good neutral comedy to buy but I should have known it wouldn't be up her street as she's a big Miranda fan. Besides that, things appeared to be going really well again.

A couple of weeks later she accompanied me to one of my closest friend's 40th Birthday at a pub in Notting Hill where she met some of my best friends. It was lovely being there with her and I felt so proud when introducing her to people. I stayed over at her flat for the first time and she made me a roast dinner the next day, which was restaurant standard and I went back to Brighton in the evening. The only problem was my snoring, however, which meant I was banished to her spare-room half-way through the night.

We didn't see each other again for a good few weeks due to both of us being busy but to make up for it we planned to spend 3 nights together! It would be the most time we'd so far spent with each other and we were both giddy with excitement in the days leading up to it, even going so far as to text each other how many sleeps we had left each day. We'd been getting on brilliantly and were face-timing as much as we could and we could just talk about anything with each other and were never lost of words.

The weekend came and she journeyed down to meet me in Brighton on the Friday afternoon as she had taken the day off and fancied a jaunt away from London. I'd booked a table for dinner in the evening and then we headed back to her flat in North London afterwards, where I again had to relocate to the spare-room after she'd had her wicked way with me. The next evening I'd bought us tickets to see my favourite comedian, Adam Buxton, in Islington and it was quite a fun night as there were other acts on too.

The next day, after sleeping in the spare-room again, we went out for further adventures as she'd bought us tickets to The Crime Uncovered Exhibition at the Museum of London. It was fascinating and a subject I'm really interested in, having just completed a course in Forensic Psychology. She seemed a bit grumpy, but I thought that that was just her as in all the time we'd known each other she was grumpy EVERY morning. That evening I was going to see Garbage at Brixton Academy with two other friends of mine. I'd bought the tickets months ago but she still wanted me to stay at hers even though she had work the next day and so I made my way to the venue on my own. It was really enjoyable and I didn't end up getting back to hers until nearly midnight. We tried sleeping together again but my nasal antics woke her up so I volunteered to take the sofa as I wanted her to feel refreshed for work. I couldn't have the spare-room as she was having a lodger move in the next day and the room was newly-prepared for him. The next morning we said our goodbyes as she went to work and I went back to Brighton a couple of hours later.

That was the Monday and on the Tuesday our relationship was over. She'd started being a bit distant again so I knew what she was thinking. I again asked her what was going on and she said she'd ring me that night. I knew what was coming and waited until the evening when I got a text late saying could she ring me the next night as she was really tired. I said no, so she reluctantly face-timed me and told me she wasn't feeling it and that my snoring and the distance was a problem. I tried to hold it together but I cried a bit, which made things a bit awkward as she started crying and abruptly finished the call.

I was really upset but not entirely surprised as I'd been paranoid ever since she'd said she wasn't feeling it the first time round. We didn't have anything in common whatsoever, in terms of music, film, tv etc. however we just got on and I'd always told her that this was a good sign as we didn't need to have common ground.

A week later I'd heard nothing more but I couldn't get her out of my head so I texted her to tell her that I missed her. She replied and said she was sorry and that she cared about my well-being but she had to be true to me. We then face-timed a again a few days later and we spoke through things for a good hour and a half. She said the snoring and distance weren't really the problem but she stopped feeling it for me halfway through our weekend together and became irritated by me being there and she couldn't stop herself snapping at me (this is exactly what happened to me with Date 99 when we had our ill-fated trip to New York). I asked her if we could try and work things out and she said although she'd missed our texts and being in touch she hadn't actually missed me and had just been getting on with things. We both started to cry at various points and she had to go off for a few minutes on one occasion as she said she couldn't bare to see me upset. However, we still shared the odd laugh and I'm very grateful for her to have the balls to explain to me what went wrong. I knew there was no going back which gave me closure and we both agreed to cease all contact with each other. She blew a kiss at me and then that was that.

She assured me that it wasn't anything that I'd said or done, which I think is true but I still don't how you can be excited to see someone one day then go off them over night. She would often tell me that in between us seeing each other she would wish her life away as she just wanted to be with me and I felt the same. To me the distance didn't matter either as I felt that it meant we'd always make the most of our dalliances together and they'd always be special. Whilst I have my imperfections, she wasn't Mary Poppins herself. She drank a lot, was a real party girl and would ring me so drunk I couldn't work out what she was saying sometimes and I was once woken up by her at 2am one night as she was crying in a taxi because she was so pissed. Her grumpiness was a pain sometimes but I just accepted these things as I really liked everything about her and I'm a very tolerant and easy-going person. She broke my tiny heart but I just think she doesn't know what she wants and I wonder if she's looking for something that doesn't exist. I wasn't experiencing the initial butterflies I used to get when I saw her but I still loved being with her and I still got excited when I was due to meet her. Doesn't that just happen over time?

I will remember our time together fondly though and I respect her decision totally.

Date 77

"And tell me how long before the right one?"

Having not been on a date for almost 5 months, this one really came out of the blue. After giving up on pay-sites, I had occasionally been looking back on OKCupid in the intervening period, without much success. Then a week or so ago (late May) I received a reply from this person.

Her profile was very sparse, but what she did say was funny, she was also attractive AND was a fan of The Smiths. I only sent a reasonably short message to her and to my amazement she responded with an essay. In that reply she also intimated about meeting up. So, we agreed to do so after a couple of messages.

In between the time I first messaged her and to us meeting just over a week later, we had a lot of email contact back and forth and she was absolutely hilarious. When this happens, you get used to the daily routine  of hearing from this person all day and you begin to look forward to it. Being the same age, we had the exact same taste in music, films and TV and there always seemed to be so much to say to each other. It became quite intense and it's quite odd really because you tend to build up an imaginary 'picture' of what someone is going to be like before you've met them and you think you know them better than you actually do.

As is sometimes the case, I was very excited about meeting her. I didn't want to be though...This may sound like a strange statement, but with dates, I prefer to not really think about them beforehand and I try and lower my expectations so as not to be disappointed if things don't go well. She seemed to be looking forward to it too and I was getting butterflies in my stomach days in advance, which is extremely rare for me.

We met in a bar on the Southbank at 6pm and I got there a bit early and acquired perfect 'booth' seats which are like gold dust in this particular bar as it's so popular. When she turned up, I was impressed and she looked absolutely stunning. We then spent the next few hours having very surreal conversations and just getting to know each other better. I was having a ball and I remember there being a lot of laughter. She also had some great stories to tell and I was absolutely starstruck when I found out that she knew two members of one of my favourite bands, Veronica Falls, and they were always dropping by her house!

As we'd had a few drinks, we needed food so moved onto a restaurant, shared a bottle of wine then had one last drink before she said she needed to go home. So, I walked her to her bus stop, made sure she got on alright and kissed her goodbye.

By now it was around 11:30 pm so we'd spent a good 5 and a half hours together and I thought that things had gone well. I messaged her when I got home and said that I'd really enjoyed myself and would she like to come out with me again later in the week as I was thinking about going to an event that I knew she'd want to go to. Normally, I leave these things a day or two but I thought what's the point in playing games, so what the hell.

I didn't hear from her until late the next evening and she simply sent me a reply saying she'd had fun but was busy every night that week and sorry. I responded by saying that wasn't a problem and whether she was free again another time. I never heard from her after that.

I'm not really sure what happened, but I guess I just liked her more than she liked me. Being so excited beforehand did worry me as I knew I'd be disappointed if things didn't go to plan and that proved to be the case. On occasions in the past, I have found that women have wanted to see me again when I haven't been really bothered and vice versa, so it's possible that when I'm enthusiastic then women are perhaps not as interested. Saying that though, I'm sure I'm just myself and I think I was for this date.

I don't mind if she wasn't that into me as it would be ridiculous to agree to see me again if she didn't want to. However, I'd got into a bit of a routine of being in so much contact with her and I thought that her response to my request of a second date was rude and it just seemed rather abrupt. I suppose I'm also quite surprised when a date lasts quite a long time and they don't want to see you again, as surely you'd just go home after a couple of drinks if you weren't enjoying the company?

Anyway, I'm still feeling quite sad a couple of days later, which I know is completely irrational and ridiculous after one date, but I really liked her. Which maybe says it all...

I do, however, think that she's the closest woman I've ever been on a date with that matches what I'm looking for...although without the ignorance and headfuckery obviously.

Finally, to paraphrase Pointless' wonderful Richard Osman: at least I got an anecdote out of it.

Date 69

"This story is old, I know, but it goes on."

Never has this blog had a more apt title. Every date I've had over the last couple of years has failed to lead to a second one and I really don't know what I'm doing differently as the outcome of each date is now turning into a bit of a broken record. I'm also not counting Date 66 as although it technically was two dates, the second one was in reality just a ruse to get a gig ticket paid for.

Myself and Date 69 had been in email contact through match.com for quite a few weeks before our date took place so I knew that we'd get on as we clearly had lots in common and we had virtually the same tastes in bands, music, film and tv, so we were never going to be short of things to talk about, and that proved to be the case.

She was almost seven years older than me and although the date (which consisted of a few drinks in a bar then a meal in a restaurant) lasted about 5 or 6 hours, we both commented on how it had absolutely flown by which is normally a good sign. There's not really that much more I can say as she was a very sweet, friendly and funny woman, we got on really well and there were no moments of drama or awkward silences to contend with. It was basically a very enjoyable first date and although I'm never confident that a second date is a certainty, on this occasion I genuinely had high hopes.

I was therefore a little bit surprised when I received a text from her very early the next morning saying that she'd really enjoyed meeting me but she didn't feel that we'd clicked romantically. She also said that she'd be happy to stay in touch as possible gig buddies though.

I'm not sure what clicking romantically actually means as a phrase, which makes me think that I made a huge error of judgement by not turning up in a Bryan Ferry style white dinner jacket and whisking her off to Paris mid-date for a more intimate setting. For me, first dates are all about hooking up and seeing if you get on well and to hopefully then go on a second date when there isn't the pressure of nerves and meeting a stranger for the first time. From personal experience, I'm always a bit wary of there being instant 'fireworks' on a first date as these tend to burn very brightly for a short time then fizzle out very quickly. I refer you to Dates 28 and 55, where the first dates were almost too good to be true, yet both 'relationships' ended very badly.

Having said all that though, at least she was honest and let me know the situation. I replied and said that I thought that was a shame but that being gig buddies would be fine. I've not heard from her since and don't expect to and although I'm not that bothered now (nearly two weeks later)...rejection still sucks.

Date 28

"Last night I dreamt that somebody loved me."

My first date of 2009 and things couldn't have got off to a better start.

She made contact with me first and before we actually met we'd had a huge amount of communication between each other by e-mail and text. As it turned out I asked her out for a drink on Christmas Eve and she was overjoyed, and so was I. Because of the Christmas/New Year interruption we eventually met up on the 2nd of January and it turned out to be the most perfect first date I'd ever had.

I knew as soon as I saw her that I fancied her and to say that there was a spark between us was an understatement. It was a purely magical evening and to cap things off she asked me back to hers, which in terms of first dates has never happened to me before or since. We also drank a huge amount and by my reckoning we started at 6pm and finished at 4am (without any food), which is no mean feat. The next morning we had to get up reasonably early as she was visiting her parents in Kent and we both had horrendous hangovers, which was to be expected. So, we both went our separate ways.

She texted me on the way home and sent me a beautiful message about how wonderful the previous evening had been and how we had to see each other again as soon as possible. I then got another text from her later on in the day asking if I wanted to go back to hers that night. I was actually in bed nursing THE hangover from Hell, and I was also coming down with a cold, so I was feeling doubly awful. Thus, I had to decline, but if I'd had any energy left then I would have been over like a shot.

We then met up again a couple of days later as she'd invited me round for dinner and she made me the most amazing meal I've ever tasted. She was an astonishingly talented cook and I also bought her flowers too, which she was overjoyed with and I have to add that I've never felt compelled to do this for anyone else. We had another sublime evening which ended with us dancing (a rarity for me as I never, ever dance) around her lounge with her flatmate until 4am, absolutely hammered on red wine on a school night.

I then saw her a day later and she cooked for me again and we drank and drank and things were going much better than I ever could have believed they would. This went on for just over a month where we'd see each other every other day and I was happier than I'd ever been in my life, which really is no understatement.

One evening we were due to go and see Slumdog Millionaire but when we got to the cinema there was such a big queue that we decided to just go back to hers and indulge in her favourite pursuit of drinking lots of red wine late into the night. I was still at the stage where I would get butterflies in my stomach when I saw her and we, again, had another lovely night where she made it clear that we were now in a proper relationship and bizarrely spoke about our future a lot and even mentioned babies (weird, I know) and then the next day we kissed good-bye at the station and went our separate ways as had become the norm. This, dear reader, was the last time that I ever saw or spoke to her.

This was a Thursday morning and everything had seemed normal. She was going away on the Friday morning to Vienna for a weekend away with her flatmate but she'd be back on the Sunday so I told her to give me a ring when she got back, which she said she would. She then texted me during the day and told me to organise something for us for when she got back that didn't involve alcohol as she quipped that she wanted me to see her sober for once! I duly went away and pulled in a big favour from one of my best friends and acquired two tickets to see her beloved Arsenal play.

Sunday came and this had been the most time we'd not had any contact between each other. I didn't hear anything from her but wasn't too concerned as I thought maybe she'd got back late or something. The next day I hadn't heard anything from her but just assumed she was busy at work. Then I checked my Facebook in the afternoon and she'd managed to put a mountain of photos up from her weekend away. I still hadn't heard anything by the evening so sent her a text. She took an age to reply and sent back a bizarre response saying she was feeling a bit weird but she was out in Wimbledon (more than likely on a date) and would contact me the next day. The next day I didn't hear anything either and so I rang her that night. It went straight to voicemail so I left a message just asking her how she was and how her trip had been etc.

The next day came and still nothing. It got to the afternoon and I thought things were getting ridiculous so I mailed her telling her that I'd got us tickets to see Arsenal and was she free on that date. Then a couple of hours later she sent back a reply telling me it was over.

She sent me the most patronising and insensitive e-mail I've ever received. The gist of it was that she didn't think it was going to work between us but she said she didn't know why. It was all over the place and she even admitted that it was very cowardly of her to jettison me by e-mail, but it still didn't stop her! She also told me how sweet it was of me to get her Arsenal tickets and that I should go anyway to see a team that I didn't support. She signed off by saying 'take care and I really do mean that as I think that you're lovely. P.S. I'll send you back your Twin Peaks DVD' (I've never been able to watch it since). So, in other words 'run along now, silly boy.'

I was completely devastated as I just hadn't seen it coming. I replied that night to her with tears streaming down my face. I kept the response very structured and wrote it in what I'd term as 'controlled emotion,' as I needed answers. She never replied to it.

I sent her a very brief message a few days later after hearing nothing, telling her that we needed to talk about things. I received a very terse and short reply saying that she'd ring me at the weekend. She never did.

I was by this time in complete shock and I'd stopped eating completely and I couldn't stop crying. My whole world had come crashing down but I didn't contact her. Other aspects of my life hadn't been going great and this tiny glimpse of happiness I'd experienced probably magnified the hurt I was feeling as the rug had well and truly been pulled from beneath me in the most abrupt manner possible. A month had passed of tears, little food and no contact so I e-mailed her a very casual request asking her for my DVD back. She replied the next day, apologising, and that she'd send it back. True to her word I received it from her the next day and she enclosed a bizarre typed letter just saying thanks for lending me the DVD (I hadn't lent it to her as we'd been watching it together when I was over at hers) and a few other banal things. It was very impersonal as if she was writing to a stranger, and she never once asked how I was. I replied to it that evening by e-mail and kept things very light as I didn't want to let on how much she had affected me and asked her a few things such as how her job was going etc. Suffice to say; I never got a response.

The next few months were much the same in that I was eating very little and losing weight fast. I was still inconsolable and my nadir came when I broke down in Waitrose of all places; I just couldn't come to terms with it all and I never got any answers as to what had happened (and I never will). In the end and a good 5 months later I snapped out of it and began to live my life again. I think some people reading this will think this was an overreaction on my part but I'd never felt this low after a relationship break-up and probably never will. I didn't foresee it at all and my body just shut down. There were no signs that anything was wrong and everything had always been on her terms and she was the one who'd always text and e-mail me a million times a day and not the other way around and she was very intense. I adored her and she knew it, plus this was a 34 year old woman not a teenage girl. I really beat myself up about it as I thought I'd done something wrong, but, as one person said to me it said a lot more about her than it did about me.

In hindsight I should have known better than to have started anything with a red wine swilling Tallulah Bankhead (the original femme fatale and her ultimate obsession and heroine) wannabe, but you live and learn. It's now been a long time since it happened and although I'm to all intents and purposes over her; I still feel very hurt and think of her longingly in my weaker moments. It's also changed me as a person as where previously I used to be an open book, I'm now the absolute antithesis in that I've become very guarded.

"Girlfriend in a coma."

Bizarrely in the May of 2009, completely out of the blue, my beloved Newcastle United were relegated from the Premier League (not a great year for me). The first text I received offering condolences was from her. I'd long deleted her number from my phone but I recognised it and all it said was 'sorry.' She was of course referring to my team's demise and not the pain she'd put me through. I was a bit tipsy and so shocked to hear from her that on the way home on the train I replied and we got into a bit of banter about the football. I then texted her again a week or so later and asked her if she fancied coffee. She replied instantly within a few seconds and said 'yes' although not for a couple of weeks as she was busy. I ,therefore, waited patiently and contacted her again to arrange things. She never did get back to me...