Date 85

"Spineless swines, cemented minds."

Having had my move to Brighton fall through at the last minute I became bored and thought: I know, I'll go back on to Guardian Soulmates and make the most of London again until I find another house to move to.

Having exchanged a few messages, she seemed pretty cool so I suggested drinks. She lives sort of Islington way and as I'm a gent I asked if she fancied meeting up in Angel. For her that's a few stops on the tube and for me it takes about an hour and 15 minutes door to door. She actually chose the pub and what a great choice it was, although I got lost and had to ask about 4 people along the way how to get there. Miraculously, I was only 5 minutes late.

I  really fancied her and we seemed to have a lot to talk about, including our geek like obsession with Jaws and sharks in general. There was a fancy dress party going on at the same time so I got to high five SuperTed on his way back from the toilets as no-one had guessed who he was apart from me. We had 3 pints each, which I think was good for a school night then she said she had to go, as, being a Primary school teacher, she had to get home at a reasonable hour for class the next day.

I had a good feeling from the night and texted her the next day to see if she wanted to go out again. She never replied, which there really is no excuse for. I just hope that the children she teaches have better manners than her. And I'll be crossing my fingers that the ladies of Brighton don't possess such ignorance...if I ever get there.

Date 84

"A crack on the head is just what you get."

This was probably the longest that I'd ever gone out with someone I'd met from a dating site but it all ended in very abrupt circumstances and I still have no idea why.

The first date was really great and I met her in a bar next to her work along the Southbank on a Monday night. We hit it off so well that we ended up in a really expensive bar snogging in a booth and not caring the slightest that glasses of wine were £8 each!!!!! I'd always assumed that drinking expensive wine meant less of a hangover, but sadly not...

The first date went well, however, the second one went on to completely overshadow it in terms of being memorable, although not for the reasons I would have predicted. A few days later on the Friday we met near her work again and then went on to Soho and found a great little bar after we'd eaten. I was quite merry and befriended a strangely matched couple sharing our table..then proceeded to alienate the female half by getting all preachy to them about about them smoking; well, I was celebrating exactly a year since I'd given up. When they'd left I then decided to go up to the bar and plead with the landlord to serve us even though time had been called. He obviously didn't budge but asked me if I wanted anything else, to which I replied 'yeah, can you find out for me if I'm going home with that girl over there,' so he silenced the bar and shouted my question at her and she rather sheepishly and speedily made her way to the toilet to lessen her embarrassment and avoid the staring eyes.

However, when she came back from the loo, the fun really started. We left the bar to find somewhere else still serving alcohol, and what happened next is very hazy and I'm mostly recounting what I was told. She was a few paces in front of me then, and I have no idea why, I lost my balance or stumbled and ended up spinning and then going head first into a wall, smashing my brand new glasses in the process. Apparently I was out cold for a little while and was bleeding on the side of my head. She had to mop up the blood using her scarf and managed to get me up and help me to a cafe where she got me sitting up and drinking water. She then called a cab and spent £50 taking me all the way home. And my elaborate ruse worked as we ended up spending the night together! I asked her at a later date if she was going to invite me back to hers that night before what happened and she said no!

She took the above pic whilst we were waiting on the train platform the next morning as she was going home and I was actually going to meet Date 83. It doesn't look that bad but I now have a battle scar in the form of a permanent dent on the side of my head.

The following week we actually met up a few times, including one trip to the cinema and a couple of evenings when we'd actually been out with other people but both happened to be in the same vicinity afterwards. I even ended up meeting one of her best friends, who I'd actually been on a date with before (Date 54)! A couple of nights later, I took her to see my beloved BUG at the BFI and beforehand I told her that I was moving to Brighton after Christmas (I first started seeing her in November 2013). She took it fine...or so I thought. It was also on this night that she invited me to her birthday which was due to be in a few weeks.

We had still been seeing each other on a very regular basis and then the night of her party came. Unsurprisingly, I was super nervous as 12 of her best friends were going to be there, but it helped that I was meeting her for a few drinks beforehand. She works in TV and had been telling me previously how she'd had some bad dealings with Matt Berry (bit of a comedy hero of mine) on various projects and who should we see outside the pub, but the man himself talking on his mobile. I gave him a firm pat on the back and in return received a nasty scowl! I had 3 pints beforehand which helped with my confidence and also met her flatmate and her boyfriend which put me at ease as well. Then we went over to a port and tapas restaurant in the Strand and things couldn't have gone better.

For some reason, the stars must have all aligned at the right time as I absolutely worked the room and all her friends loved me. It's not often I say this but I was the absolute centre of attention and I really was on a charm offensive. I think it helped that I'd had my little fall a few weeks previously as that was a good starting point which they all knew about. I really loved her friends too as they were great people and were so welcoming and made me feel so comfortable. It also helped that the red wine and port had started to flow as well. When the end of the night came I even kissed all the men as we departed...and the restaurant manageress..I really was on fire! Myself, her, her flatmate and her boyfriend then got a taxi back to hers afterwards and I made a rather unfortunate error as I bought a banana milkshake for the journey and this was to somewhat backfire on me later on that night. I felt fine when we went to bed..a little bit drunk but not too bad. Then in the middle of the night, I woke up suddenly and in my haste to get to the bathroom, projectile vomited across the room! I'm so classy...but we concluded that it was definitely down to the milkshake. I felt so embarrassed in the morning but she was very cool about it despite the mess.

The next time we met was just before she went home to Scotland for Christmas and we had a lovely evening meeting for drinks then going back to hers to exchange presents and other things. She got me the below gift which I still love:

At this point she was still going on about her party and how all the friends were still asking about me and that she actually thought that they preferred me to her such was the attention they showed me.

I was due to move on the 10th of January 2014 to Brighton so she came over to spend a very chilled last evening at mine before my adventure to the south coast. By this time she'd met my family too and they loved her. After the move, things then began to unravel.

I was super busy at this time so we didn't have much contact, which was my fault, but I had so much to do with my new house that this is understandable. After a couple of weeks she came to visit and I met her at Brighton station on a Saturday afternoon. What was a bit strange though, was on the morning before she left she said she couldn't stay over as my snoring would keep her awake and she needed to be fresh for Monday morning. Despite this, we had a really good evening and she commented on how easy it had been for her to get to me as the train had only taken 50 minutes from Victoria station. We found the best pub in Brighton by accident and just had a really fun night. Things got a bit weird on the way back to the station as she said she thought that I didn't want her to come as we hadn't discussed it much in the build up but I explained to her that this really wasn't the case and it was just due to me being snowed under with all the work that comes with moving to a completely new area. She also texted me on her way home to say what a great time she'd had.

The next day I asked her if she was free in a couple of weeks time so that we could spend some proper time together in Brighton and stay with me for the weekend. She replied in the affirmative and seemed genuinely excited about it.

We then texted normally for a week and then her texts became vague and short. She also stopped playing Words with Friends (never a good sign) with me. Then I was due to visit London for the weekend and she was going to New York so I texted her to tell her to book her tickets for Brighton for the following week as they were super cheap. In response I received a text from her in which she apologised for not being in touch much but her social diary was going to be busy over the next few months and the distance between us was a problem, therefore, we were going to have to be friends instead. I replied by saying how that was such a shame as I was really looking forward to seeing her again when she was due to come to mine. I never heard from or saw her again. And that was abruptly that.

I wasn't devastated but it made me feel very sad and I also felt very hurt that she chose to end things by a weak text and for her to then just disappear after the fun time we'd shared together. I honestly don't think that distance was the problem and I can only conclude that she met someone else. Who knows though? And to add even more salt to the wounds, another best friend of hers is the wife of a very famous lead singer and guitarist of a world famous band, whom I'd been due to meet very soon...maybe she thought he'd like me better than her. Selfish cow.

Date 83

"Sweet and Tender Hooligan."

The events of this blog entry took place about 6 months ago and during that time I've thought long and hard about whether I should write it up. We didn't meet via a dating website and I'm not sure if it technically was a date and I'd also said to her that I wouldn't be writing it up. However, in the end I just couldn't not write about it due to the unbelievable nature of our second meeting.

We got to know each other through Twitter. She'd initially followed me and I followed her back then one day we got chatting. She'd tweeted about how it was impossible to get tickets for the iTunes Festival unless you worked in the music business and I'd replied saying I had 2 to see the Pixies and how I'd been in the past to see CSS, and that I'd only ever applied twice and got tickets both times. She asked if she could go with me, which was a bit cheeky, however, I was already going with a couple of friends so it would have been a bit weird me rocking up with some stranger, although in retrospect it might have been good fun. As it turns out I took another friend with my spare but I said to her that if any other gigs came up then we could go together.

As time went on we were in contact every day, first via Twitter and then by text. During this period, one of my favourite current bands, Veronica Falls, were playing a gig in London so I bought 2 tickets and asked her if she wanted to go. She did, and she took the day off work so we could meet on the afternoon beforehand. She lives near Brighton so we met at Embankment and she was already a bit lubricated due to her having a mini bottle of Champagne on the train given to her by some cabin crew after she'd told them that she'd once worked in the same industry. On top of this she'd been a bit early anyway so popped into a pub by the tube station until I arrived. Apart from exchanging a couple of pictures in order for us to recognise each other, I was still surprised when I saw her as to what a stunner she was...as I got to know her it also became clear that she knew this fact as well in abundance.

Thankfully we got on well like old friends and maybe this was because it wasn't a date. I took her to a bar where we had 3 pints each then we went to a restaurant where we shared a bottle of red along with a glass of prosecco for her and a further glass of red for me. And as time was getting on we went to another bar on the way to the station where we had another drink each. There was definitely a common theme developing.

On our way to the gig venue in Tufnell Park she bought a packet of cigarettes. I hadn't smoked for almost a year and neither had she but she kept insisting that I should share the packet with her. Fortunately I didn't give in and this was also despite her blowing every exhalation of sweet tobacco smoke into my face. That was a bit naughty of her but it came back to bite her on the arse as she had a 2 day hangover and I didn't, which I'm sure is down to the addition of cigarettes on top off the day and night's excessive drinking.

I really have to say that this was one of the best times I'd ever had in terms of letting my hair down and enjoying myself. The gig was fantastic, we continued drinking; me Jack Daniels and her: Vodka, and I even danced the night away which is quite amazing because I NEVER, EVER DANCE. EVER!!!!

The band actually came on over an hour late which was a complete pain as it meant we had to leave the gig just before the encores as she had to catch her last train. So we headed back to Embankment and then she asked if I wanted to walk her to Victoria. I did and as we were making our way through the deserted streets, we were talking about how much fun we'd had and as she'd read my blog I said that I wouldn't be writing it up as it hadn't been a date. She then looked disappointed and said she thought it probably had been a date and that she'd be really upset if she never saw me again. And then she took my hand and held it all the way to Victoria. We then kissed a little bit and said our goodbyes on the platform.

To have had such a great time was completely unexpected. And I wanted more. I also realised that I fancied her.

We texted for a couple of days and then she started sending me a few drunken texts telling me how she'd been out in London again. I asked her who with and she said her media lawyer. I assumed she meant from her firm and then she said he'd bought her some boots. I again said, who is he and she said just a friend. I said why did he buy you boots then and she responded with 'he likes me in them.' Hmmmmm, ok....

She then started talking about him a lot in texts by name but always kept saying he was just a friend. I also asked her a couple of times about meeting again and we'd be in the middle of setting a date when she'd go quiet and I wouldn't hear from her a week or so later and she'd forgotten.

Eventually we did set a date, which she cancelled a couple of days before but then re-arranged for the week after. Meanwhile things began to unravel regarding her mystery friend, as on a whim, and when she was meant to be off sick from work, they went to a gig in Manchester and stayed in a hotel room together. I then had an idea of who he was and I was actually proved right.

We met on a Saturday afternoon in November 2013. I shouldn't have gone really as I'd had a bit of a falling out with a Soho wall (see Date 84) the night before but I really wanted to see her again. We went to a bar and straight away she started knocking back large glasses of white wine while I stuck to JD and coke and wasn't even trying to keep up with her. She then proceeded to flirt with every man she could get the attention of. She'd blatantly brush past them or smile at them from the bar and then they'd giver her their number. All this was going on while I was with her so I don't know who they thought I was and to be honest, this all made me feel really uncomfortable as I felt like I was just merely accompanying her while she went on the pull. During the afternoon, I broached the subject of her 'friend' and, as I'd suspected, he turned out to be a married man from London, whom she'd been having an affair with for 3 years. I then spent the rest of the time in there, whilst she eyed up any man who walked in with a pulse, counselling her and listening to the heartache of being a mistress.

We then went for food where she demolished a bottle of red virtually on her own as I was taking things easy. Boy, can she drink! And then the fun really started.

I wanted to go to the BFI bar as it's one of my favourites but when we got there it was closed for a private function. There was a special Dr Who party for competition winners going on as there was a special episode being shown. It was also live on tv so there were a lot of celebs about and apparently Doctors past and present were all milling about. Unsurprisingly, there was a big security presence. She told me she was going to get us in and then began to work her way around all the security guards offering blow jobs in return for us being let past the cordon. Yes, you read that correctly and she wasn't joking. She even would describe the technique she'd use on them in detail. One of them was sorely tempted and asked if I was her boyfriend and she laughed uncontrollably. At one point, she got distracted when she saw Peter Davison and ran after him shouting his name, but luckily for him he managed to evade her. While she was gone I had a word with the security guy and told him to do me a favour as I said she was my friend and I was embarrassed by what she was doing so he said out of respect for me he wouldn't take up her kind offer. He also asked me if she had something wrong with her. She then started turning her attention to a very big and hairy cameraman. I went over and he introduced himself to me then quickly departed. She told me that things had been going great until I'd come over!

By now I didn't know why I was there and went off and found a quiet corner and started texting some friends to tell them what was happening and they all told me to leave her to it. I don't why I didn't but I think maybe I felt she needed looking after. She found me and I suggested we should leave to go elsewhere. This was after an hour of her unsuccessful attempts and she confided with me that it was the first time she'd been refused entry to an event so I can only imagine what she's done in the past. On the way out she even managed to cause a minor furore by trying to find the hairy cameraman and screaming for him which actually resulted in the party inside telling her to shut up as the episode was being broadcast live on tv. She eventually left her number with a production assistant who promised to give it to the guy in question, although I'm not so sure he wasn't hiding somewhere. On the way out she asked if I could set up a date between her and my best friend, whom she'd never met. I said no and when she asked why, I said: because he wouldn't like you.

We went elsewhere for another drink but the night was not over. By this time she was unsurprisngly quite drunk. As we started to have a drink she started to flirt with a guy and he actually made his excuses and moved to another seat very quickly. A little later on she spied a baby with a family sitting nearby and went over to ask if she could hold it. They refused and she came back in a huff. She then started shouting at them telling them they weren't holding it properly although they couldn't hear her. I told her to leave it and suggested we go. On our way out I suddenly noticed she wasn't with me and looked round to see her aggressively remonstrating with the family about their mothering techniques. She ran out crying and I went over to her and she shoved me away. I said I thought it was probably time to go home so I walked her across the bridge. I wasn't going to walk her to Victoria this time so I said bye and she walked off without saying anything. I called her back and she quickly pecked me on the cheek and turned around again without saying anything.

On my way back to Waterloo station, I popped back into the Royal Festival Hall, where the baby fiasco had taken place, and found her hat on the floor by our seats as she'd mentioned she'd lost it so I put in in my bag then texted her on the train to say I had it. The next day she replied and said thanks so I responded and said that was ok but I asked her if she'd got home alright as I'd been a bit worried about her the night before. She never replied and I never heard from her again. She also blocked me on twitter and did the same to some of my friends who followed her as well. She also deleted all our tweets and everyone else's connected with me. Which is a completely logical reaction as it was me who was quite clearly in the wrong.

I can't emphasise how good a night we'd had the first time we met so for things to end this way was very disappointing; whether it was a date or not. Having seen her true colours, I'm sure it really was for the best though.

I do actually still have her hat, although I have no idea what to do with it...