"What she asked of me at the end of the day: Caligula would have blushed."
Hmmm, Tinder's a bit weird, isn't it? I tried it out for a few months and had one solitary date through it. I never got remotely close to getting a date with anyone else bar this next entry. There have been mutual matches along the way, but not many, and none of them have replied to me. Which I just don't get as when one has only got pictures to go on and very little text, if any, then what sort of message am I meant to send to get a response.
Anyway, I digress. With this person, we quickly moved on to email then texting and I found out that she was the ex wife of a famous stand up comedian. Well, I say famous but I hadn't actually heard of him, but people I know had and he's apparently on things like Mock the Week a fair bit. I googled him and there are plenty of videos of him doing his routine on you tube and he did seem quite funny.
We communicated a fair bit before we actually met and I noticed a couple of things about her such as her mentioning her ex husband every other sentence and also the fact that she was very frisky most of the time. I'm not averse to naughty texts but I do find it a bit odd them being so full on before we've even been out together...
We decided to meet in Clapham one evening for drinks and what struck me first was her bizarre accent. I think she's a year older than me so in her *ahem* mid-30s, and despite living on the south coast and South London for most of her life, apart from 2 or 3 years as a student in Liverpool, she spoke exactly the same as Bubble from Absolutely Fabulous! It was really weird and I asked her about it but she couldn't explain why she did. She was also as frisky in the flesh as she was by text. She couldn't keep her hands off me and after only one drink she moved in for the kill and snogged my face off inside the pub. She also said to me afterwards that when she walked in and first saw me, she wanted to fuck me...which I'll take as a compliment.
Something else which she did in real life too which I alluded to above was talk about her ex husband... A LOT. I brought it up afterwards and she claimed she didn't but she's in denial as I actually felt I'd been on a date with him too. She'd had a rough ride with him and from what she'd said, he sounded like an arsehole, but most of her anecdotes, good and bad, involved him. I felt sorry for her but I found it a bit awkward when she kept launching herself on me and mentioning him all the time.
I ended the night a bit early as we were both a bit tipsy, walked her to the station then got my train home. She then rang me on the train for a chat! I can't remember what we said but I do recall it being a bit awkward. I then got home and she kept ringing me again. However, this was the night in which some people may recall; my neighbour was having a party which culminated in the police having to be called when he threatened to beat me and my sister's boyfriend up. She was ringing me throughout all of this despite me texting her to tell her the situation and that I couldn't speak to her, yet she still wasn't getting the message!
In the following days, we were still in text contact and I was honest with her and said that I wasn't looking for anything serious. I am, but just not with her. She said she was the same and then proceeded to send me a few naked pictures of herself...which I didn't reciprocate. She was then going away for a week with friends to a rented cottage in Chichester. I say friends, but there were actually going to be about 20 of them including children. She then said that I should come and visit her there so she could have her wicked way with me...how frickin' weird would that have been with me just turning up one night with all those people there? It never happened and things then just fizzled out really and my sole Tinder experience (thus far) had ended with me unscathed...relatively.
