Monday 30 December 2019

Date 180


"Your youth may be gone but you're still a good man."


Before we met, and at her suggestion, we had a Facetime chat. I normally don't like doing that but it was great. We spoke for about 2 hours and it felt like we'd had our first date. I decree that it should be the way forward.

After our chat, she was very keen to meet and although she lived about an hour away from me near the Surrey/Sussex border, she was happy to drive over to me on a Sunday. I was surprised that she was so enthusiastic with her being 10 years younger than me and an absolute stunner, but we'd got on really well on Facetime, so what could go wrong?

Well...nothing really, but sadly she just wasn't into me when we met in the flesh. It was a beautiful sunny winter's day and we walked into Brighton along the seafront, seemingly continuing where we'd left off from our previous chat.

I bought her coffee and cake and we had a mooch around the shops, even managing to bump into some friends of mine along the way. I felt very comfortable with her and it was a really lovely afternoon. 

We made our way back to mine after an hour or so and she popped into my flat briefly for a nose around. I also gave her a small Christmas present (chocolate coffee thing from Waitrose), which she seemed really happy with and said she'd open it on the 25th. 

I got a text from her the next day thanking me for the afternoon but saying that she hadn't felt that old elusive, possibly mythical, spark. And that was the last I heard from her. I wasn't surprised as I'd sensed a possible disappointment emanating from her during the date. I thought she might have got in touch with me on Christmas Day regarding her present as I knew she loved coffee and chocolate but perhaps she just doesn't like Waitrose. 

Date 179



"If you must write prose and poems, the words you use should be your own."


I didn't know this before I met this woman for coffee, but she's a tv presenter, radio presenter and journalist. She also writes articles about online dating in national newspapers.

Although the date only lasted an hour or so, I got a good vibe from her and she was funny, good looking, friendly and ten years older than me. I came away feeling happy and I felt she wanted to see me again. She filled me in all her media work and she's got a very big internet presence so it wasn't difficult to find her articles.

The next day I texted her to enquire about another date and she suggested another coffee one...I found this totally unimaginative and uninspiring but I said yes anyway, thinking she'd choose somewhere to go but then I never heard back from her.

I wasn't that bothered really as I found the offer of another possible coffee date a bit boring so a few weeks later I suggested going out for drinks over Christmas. I'd not heard anything for a while so deleted her number on my phone. Then a few days after Christmas, I got a text from her out of the blue saying she still had family staying but when they were gone she'd contact me about meeting up for drinks. I never did hear from her again.

As someone who claims to be a 'dating expert' I can only assume that she's never read any of her own articles.

Saturday 30 November 2019

Date 178


                                    "A double bed and a stalwart lover for sure."


After chatting quite a lot on Bumble, our first date was arranged only a few hours before we ended up meeting. We both had a free Friday evening so met in a pub near me.

If I can be allowed to be shallow for a moment, I was pleasantly surprised when she walked in the pub as her profile pictures didn't do her justice and she looked a lot younger than she actually was. We got on really well and got pretty drunk and we ended up going back to my flat and sleeping together.

The sex was great. The best I've had in a long time. Although she'd lived in Brighton for years and years, she'd grown up in Croydon and at one point during the night, her previously hidden strong South London accent came to the fore when she said "can I suck your dick?" You had to be there...

We really paid for our drunkenness and lack of sleep in the morning though. She went home in a taxi and straight to bed but I had to make my way to East London to see Newcastle thankfully beat West Ham 3-2. I'm not sure how I got there on only one hour's sleep but the adrenalin and jubilation got me home. This might have been different had we lost.

The next day she texted me and wanted me to go to an event with her in which loads of her friends were going. I felt this was a bit fast to be meeting her friends but she was very insistent and kept going on about it all day, even though I kept saying no. It sounded like a really good show but the thought of meeting her friends felt daunting but she wouldn't let it go. I thought that was that but then she invited herself round after it had finished and drove over.

It was about 8pm on a Sunday night and so we went for a walk along the seafront and went back to my flat for a cup of tea. I liked her but she was becoming really intense and talking about future things and it felt like she thought we were a couple. She was fairly recently divorced so I think she was looking to go straight from that to another serious relationship.

I couldn't see her that week as I was having building work done at my flat so stayed elsewhere for a few days. Her texts were becoming really incessant though, to the extent that if I didn't reply instantly then she would send another one not long after.

I was getting really put off by this and if I didn't reply straight away I'd feel guilty!!! This went on for another week and I just wasn't enjoying being in contact with her. She was a really nice person but every time I thought about having another date it just didn't make me excited.

In the end I thought that I just had to put an end to things. I was worried that she'd react in an adverse way so I got a friend to help me compose a text to her. I know how I feel when I like someone and it's not reciprocated so it's best to let the other person know what's happening. I told her that we'd had a lovely time together but it's not the right thing for me and that I hope she understood. She took a day to respond but she was really nice about it so I got an unusually mature response from someone for a change.

Although I am looking for a meaningful relationship, she just wasn't the woman I want one with.  In spite of the fact that she sounds like Adele (her description of her accent) in the bedroom. And I don't mean her singing voice.

Date 177


"Shyness can stop you from doing all the things in life you'd like to."


Just before our first date, while I was walking across Charing Cross/Hungerford Bridge over to the South Bank, I received a text from 177. It partially showed up on my watch as "I think that the elastic has gone in my..."

Obviously, when I read the full text on my phone it turned out to be her tights! I'm not quite sure why she was telling me this though, and she didn't know either. It sort of summed her up though as she was a funny one in all meanings of the word.

After a few drinks, I suggested dinner and she was overjoyed and said that no-one had ever taken her to dinner on a date before. I wasn't sure if she was taking the piss at first with her reactions but she just tended to get very excitable about things.

The evening was fun and in the days afterwards she basically invited herself to my place in Brighton a couple of weeks later for a horror movie night. So, she came over one Friday evening. We had a lounge picnic, watched a horror film, drank wine and swapped dating stories (unsurprisingly I had a lot more than her).

When it came to sleeping arrangements, I offered her my bed and said I'd sleep on the sofa but she was insistent that we sleep together. This led to partial sex until she got shy halfway through and the rest of the night was spent with us writing song titles by The Smiths on each other's backs with our fingers and having to guess them. Her idea.

The next morning I made us breakfast then had a shower. After her shower she announced that she'd left the bathroom door open and was disappointed that I hadn't joined her. So, she was certainly giving off mixed messages. She then proceeded to run around my flat like a child who's had too many Smarties, and began jumping on my bed. At this point, I didn't really know what to make of her, so I was quite relieved when she eventually decided to go home.

We kept in touch, but the texts fizzled out and I wasn't too bothered about seeing her again, particularly as it would have been only a matter of time before she found my secret stash of Sunny Delight.




Thursday 21 November 2019

Date 176


"And you must be looking very old tonight."


I initially had thought about cancelling this as, although I was yet again travelling to London to meet her, she'd said that on first dates she only met for a drink or two and not for long. In reality, that's sensible and probably how first dates should be, but I wondered if it was worth my while going all that way.

I got there a bit early and nabbed an impressive diner style table in a bar then got a text from her saying that she was also there. I knew she was a few years older than me but the only other person in there was sitting over the opposite side in a pink jumper, but she looked in her late 50's at best. I got another text from her saying that she was wearing a pink jumper...

I saw her go to the bar out of the corner of my eye, order a drink and make her way over to me. For a split second I thought that there was maybe more than one person wearing a pink jumper in the bar that evening, but she said my name inquisitively and told me that she was normally good at recognising men from their profiles. The irony wasn't lost on me as, I'm not saying that she lied about her age, but she was meant to be about 5 years older then me and not 15. Meeow.

As it turned out, she was a really nice person and we had a few drinks, as opposed to a couple. It was quite clear that a second date wouldn't be happening but she sent me a really lovely message the next day saying that I'd restored her faith in humanity. I'm not exactly sure how I did that, so I can only assume that I was polite and normal in comparison to the nutters she normally meets.

Tuesday 19 November 2019

Date 175


"This town has dragged you down."


Geordies (me) historically don't mix well with mackems (people from Sunderland). However, as I'd never been out with a mackem before, I decided to put it to the test and go against my gut feeling and Newcastle upbringing.

I, again, travelled to London to meet her and she told me that she sounded like infamous mackem Lauren Laverne. I had my doubts though as Ms Laverne in reality, has a very obvious Geordie accent, and my date sounded neither Tyne nor Wear. I couldn't quite pick it, but she sounded more Yorkshire.

I have to confess that she beared an uncanny resemblance to someone I dated for a few months last year, which was unrequited and...is it a bit weird that that was a contributing factor in me wanting to meet her?!

As it turned out, in person, I found her a bit obnoxious and cold. She didn't really have any interest in finding out about me and it was difficult to get a word in due to her telling me about all the famous people she knew. 

I should have listened to Ant 'n' Dec.

Thursday 31 October 2019

Date 174


"Work is a four letter word."


I sensed that there would be problems here as she didn't seem to ever take a day off work. Being a nurse and also running her own business in London and Cornwall meant that she never stopped.

We met along the Southbank one evening, as she uncharacteristically was taking a couple of days off. There was an incredibly powerful downpour as she was on her way to meet me so had to walk around the bar in her bare feet as her socks and shoes were absolutely drenched.

We went for dinner too and got on really well, although her taste in music is rather questionable. After eating, we went to the bar at the Royal Festival Hall and witnessed a rather bizarre event. A woman was happily tapping away at her MacBook, surrounded by empty plastic cups, and every so often would lean over and vomit all over the floor, but was making no effort to get to the toilet or clean it up. In the end my companion talked to the bar staff and they intervened to help her out, as she was absolutely shitfaced and in a really bad way.

That obviously didn't hinder the night though and we had a bit of a snog (me and my date, not the drunk vomity girl). We also discussed having a second date where she'd come and visit me in Brighton.

I didn't really hear much from her as she apparently wasn't taking another day off for another month or so. I did get a text from her a few weeks later saying she was going to be in Brighton for work on a Sunday so she could see me for a little bit. As it happened, I was meant to be having friends round and she was actually going to be in Crawley, which is about 20 miles from me. I couldn't cancel my friends coming round as it was such short notice so suggested she could come over afterwards. She said that she didn't fancy waiting in her car for a few hours (which isn't what I had meant, plus she hadn't given me any indication of when or if she'd actually make it over to Brighton) and she had to be up early for work the next day. I did enquire when her next day off would be and she thought she had a solitary Friday off soon. I asked if we should pencil it into our diaries but she didn't respond and that day came and went, and I've not heard from her since.

We did get on really well but when someone likes Elbow, I see that as a big red flag. Along with being mostly unavailable due to work commitments.

Tuesday 29 October 2019

Date 173


"Do you think you've made the right decision this time?"


We'd initially agreed to meet just for drinks in London but nearer the time she asked if there were any exhibitions that I wanted to go to. I suggested the Stanley Kubrick exhibition at the Design Museum in Kensington, as it was about to finish and I'd been wanting to go for ages.

We went for a Friday afternoon so I got the tickets and met her up there. I knew straight away that she wasn't my type but she seemed nice anyway. It was a really fascinating collection of memorabilia from all his films and being a particularly big fan of The Shining: I loved it.



We were only in there for just over an hour though, as it wasn't that big so went to a pub afterwards nearby. We had a couple of drinks, which she saw as recompense for the £20 tickets, and she then toddled off to a work colleague's leaving drinks. I then headed back to Victoria Station and spent the train journey home wondering why I hadn't just gone to the exhibit on my own.

Friday 11 October 2019

Date 172


"I never talk to my neighbour."


An odd thing happened at the beginning of our first date. She turned up a bit late and said that she could only stay for a little while as she was a stand-up comedian and she'd just received a call to say that she had a gig, which she had forgotten about. She seemed really nice and we had a couple of drinks.

I did, however, think that this was an elaborate ruse as she'd never mentioned before that she was a comedian. And when I asked her about contacting her about a second date she said that just after she'd been reminded about her gig, she dropped her phone down the toilet and it was drying off at home in a bowl of rice...

Bizarrely though, when I got home I did some detective work and she is a stand-up comedian, and a funny one at that. The story about her phone was also true as when she'd got a new one, she texted me and we made plans for a second date.

Although we both live in Brighton, I was in London for a couple of days and she met me at the Southbank as I had tickets for BUG with Adam Buxton, and we also had dinner at Ping Pong. It was a really enjoyable night, but it was evident that there was no chemistry between us.

I moved a couple of weeks ago and I now live a couple of streets away from her, so she came round for coffee to check out my new gaff. Thankfully she liked it but I don't think she'll be dropping by anytime soon to borrow some sugar. I also went for a walk with her along the seafront and she told me that she'd recently not turned up for a date as she forgot, but essentially blamed it on the poor guy as he hadn't reminded her...despite him remembering to be there.

Date 171


"Panic on the streets of Birmingham."


This was quite an unmemorable date but not in a bad way. It was very normal and nothing bad or out of the ordinary happened. We had a few drinks and talked mostly about music and films.

She had a very striking appearance with her being tall and very blonde and I also thought that I detected a Scandinavian accent, but it turned out that she was actually from the Midlands. I found her attractive, but there wasn't really a spark. I texted her the next day and asked about meeting up again and she said yes, but as friends and that was absolutely ok with me.

Quite soon after, we both moved to the same area in Brighton and met up again for drinks and a catch-up. It was actually a really good evening and we talked about going to gigs and hanging out. And I've not heard anything from her since.

Wednesday 9 October 2019

Date 170


"But now you make me feel so ashamed."


I'd been really looking forward to this date but it turned out to be a non-event. Although I always take compliments from people I've not yet met before with a pinch of salt, it's still nice to receive them. She'd sent me texts about how she really fancied me and that she liked the shape I made (new one on me).

As it turned out, I don't think she did fancy me and when I asked her about the other expression, she became quite annoyed and said it meant that she liked my body shape...We had a few drinks and it was pleasant enough but we weren't on the same wavelength and she didn't have that much to say.

We lived quite near each other so got the same bus home and when we got on the top deck she saw someone she knew, and this embarrassed her for whatever reason, probably because she'd have to explain at a later time who I was (which she intimated).

I texted her later to thank her for the evening, which she responded to, but after that I didn't hear from or try to make contact with her.


Date169


"In the room downstairs, he sat and stared."


I'd held back on writing this up as our first date had been in August. It felt fairly brief as we only had a few drinks, and although I knew that I liked her, I was really surprised when she contacted me about a second date.

She suggested we go and do a pub quiz and it was great fun. Although we didn't win, it was an inspired thing to do on a date and she totally hooked me in with her brains, wit and attractiveness. We also shared a somewhat unwanted thing in common in that we're both adult orphans at relatively young ages.

I felt reasonably upbeat about things but then I didn't hear from her about meeting again so I just presumed I wouldn't and I pretty much forgot about her until she messaged me out of the blue in October. I'd recently moved fairly near her so she suggested we go for drinks. Again, it was fairly brief and during the evening she said she was super busy at work and wanted to take things slowly with me. I initially took this to mean that she wanted to get to know me, then I thought she meant friends. And then when we were on our way out she started telling me how cool I looked and that she loved my parka jacket and glasses, so I was sort of getting mixed messages and didn't really know what she meant.

Through all the time I'd known her, she didn't give much away and didn't text much either. Out of all the women who I've met over the last couple of years, she seemed closest to what I look for in a relationship. Being a university lecturer, she said she wouldn't be able to meet up until after her reading week and that she'd contact me then.

I hadn't heard from her a month or so later, but had found out about another pub quiz near me so I asked her to that and she agreed to come. It was a really fun quiz and considering we were only a 2 person team, we finished 5th out of 20. We also actually won the plasticine round:


The theme was rude food and her filthy mind had the idea of making Spaghetti Bollocksnese. To set the record straight: I created the spaghetti and she did the rest. For our efforts we won a bottle of wine and our creation earned a place on their plasticine shelf of fame to be displayed in the pub.

It was a really fun night, but I also realised that whilst we're a great quiz team partnership, I could sense that she's not interested in me in a romantic way. I also wasn't that impressed by her sending messages on her phone solidly for the first 10/15 minutes of the evening, leaving me to stare into the abyss.

I took the bottle of wine home and put forward the idea that we could toast our win in the new year, but I'm not sure if she was that keen...but I suppose it depends on how much plasticine she receives for Christmas.

Sunday 21 July 2019

Date 168


"And I naturally fled."


I don't like to use expletives in my blog posts unless I really have to, but FUCKING HELL!!!

This was possibly my quickest date and I couldn't wait to get away. There were some very major red flags about this person and I nearly didn't go on this date and wish I hadn't. After exchanging a couple of messages on Bumble, she said she'd just joined and wondered if I'd be free on Sunday to meet for drinks and stated a venue and time. She looked nice and we seemed to have a lot of things in common. For some reason though, I wasn't looking forward to meeting her.

And on the morning of the date I received this very odd message:


I found this very full-on and asked her what bereavement had to do with anything. She responded with:


I told her that my Mum had passed away last year so if that was an issue then we should probably cancel. She told me that she only meant partners or spouses...

I reluctantly agreed to meet up (probably because I'm too polite) and she changed the venue and moved the time forward. At this point I was getting the feeling that she liked to be in control.

I was bang on time and she was 10 minutes late and if she hadn't come up to me I wouldn't have had a clue that it was her as she really didn't look like her pictures and hadn't made any effort to look remotely smart, despite telling me in an earlier text that she scrubbed up well.

There was just something not right and I really wanted to go home, but we went for a coffee and she announced to me that although she had put on her profile that she was 42, she was actually 47 and that she'd put that because she could carry off that age. She couldn't. I was also a bit scared of her as she reminded me looks and personality wise of a former friend who I'd managed to remove from my life due to her her toxic narcissism. 

She also claimed to be an actress and had an LA drawl, having lived there briefly. All the while we were chatting awkwardly I was trying to pluck up the courage to leave after one drink but I didn't need to as she asked for the bill and told me we didn't have any connection. She must have seen the fear in my eyes, even though I was wearing sunglasses. 

However, we did part ways very amicably and she said there was hope for her yet as I'd proved to her that there were normal men out there but she needed to take a break, as her first foray into online dating (all 3 days of it) had worn her out. 

She didn't like The Smiths either.

Date 167


"I'm just a country mile behind the world."


Finally a date in Brighton! I decided to have a brief dalliance again with Tinder. With 'brief' being the operative word. Tinder is widely thought of as a hook-up site but I'm clearly doing things wrong as I've only ever had standard dates on it.

This woman was very hard to get much out of but we swapped numbers and arranged a first date. Which was no easy thing to organise either. The only time she was free to meet was 9pm on a Thursday evening in Hove. She dismissed the first pub I suggested out of hand, claiming it was too middle-aged; which it really isn't, but she settled on my second choice.

I live a bit out in the sticks so aimed to get to the pub for 8:45pm. On the bus I got a text from her at 8:30pm saying she'd be getting there at 9:30pm. No apology or asking if that was ok for me, just stating a fact. So I went for a wander down by the seafront to kill some time.

When she arrived she looked absolutely stunning and had really made an effort but didn't like my choice of table and didn't say sorry for being late. She didn't drink either so had 2 orange juices and the date finished at 11pm. It was fine but she came across as really ditzy and I got the impression that she was just living in her own little bubble with not much idea what was going on outside of her life.

I did fancy her though and texted her the next day to see if she wanted to go out for dinner. She said yes but only if we could do it again on a Thursday night at 9pm (9:30pm probably in reality) as she had Zumba. The place I had in mind closed at 10pm so that wasn't an option so I left it with her. Meeting for dates only on late Thursday evenings did seem odd.

Eventually she got back to me a few days later on a Tuesday and said she was free that night so I booked a table at a Tapas restaurant for 8pm. She arrived still speaking on her phone, which made for an awkward minute or two, and her eye make-up had all smudged due to the positioning of her mobile. I did tell her so she rushed up to the toilet to put it right.

We had a lovely meal and she was really impressed with the food and restaurant. She did seem really young for her age though and quite immature. Although she was nearly 39 and only a few years younger than me, she could easily have been in her early 20's, which she constantly spoke about. She also seemed to be really out of touch with things: bemoaning her flatmate for shopping online, which she'd never done before and she'd never used a streaming service like Netflix and didn't really know what one was. She didn't like alcohol, coffee or tea either.

I never normally do this but I paid for her dinner. I'd had a glass or two of wine and she was only on orange juice so it seemed easier too. Again it was a brief date too as she didn't want to go elsewhere afterwards so it lasted the same time as the first one.

I contacted her the next day and asked her if she wanted to come to dinner at mine sometime and she sent this reply:



Unsurprisingly, when I suggested a couple of dates for her to come over, she didn't open them in Whatsapp and I never heard from her again. Which, is probably just as well as my cooking is shite.

Date 166


"Her skirt ascends for a watching eye."


London was my destination again, but as she lived in Kent it was halfway for both us and it was also a really good first date. Things had gone really fast as we'd only been chatting for about a day when she asked if we could meet and we did a couple of days later after a lot of texting.

I really fancied her straight away, although at one point I thought she'd done a runner as she went to the bar and took her coat and bag and 15 minutes later she hadn't returned. She then reappeared and said there'd been an accident behind the bar in which a load of glasses had been dropped. The bar staff initially had told her to wait but eventually suggested she use a different bar, which was when she came running out to ease my abandonment fears as she was worried that I thought she had left me. During her bar wait an odd man came up to her to ask how long she'd been waiting...hold that thought.

After having a few more drinks at one of the BFI's other bars we made our way out to get something to eat and a man came running after us shouting: "Daleks! Daleks!" We all just looked at each other for a few seconds and he said we looked like two people he'd seen watching a Dr Who film that had just been shown. And yes, he was also the odd man who'd been talking to her at the bar. He walked off in a very disappointed manner and we just had a bit of a giggle, whilst making our way to Ping Pong, which pretty much blew her away.

After a bit of a snog at Victoria Station we made our separate ways home. Although we'd got on really well I wasn't sure how much she liked me. However, over the next week we texted constantly and she even rang me up a few times for a chat. Due to childcare responsibilities she only had every other weekend and Wednesdays free so we couldn't see each other for 10 days as the following Saturday night she was seeing Bon Jovi...well, no-one's perfect.

It was great being in so much contact and she'd always tell me how my texts always made her smile and laugh and we shared a very similar dark sense of humour.

On her next free Wednesday we met in London again and I took her to a really posh French steak restaurant in Soho, which she loved. She looked beautiful too (which I told her) and said that she was going to wear a very sexy outfit but decided against it due to the unseasonal gale force winds...damn the weather!

After the meal we went to the pub next door and pretty much snogged the whole time and did so back at Victoria Station. Things seemed to be going well.

The next night I went into London again with a Brighton friend to see Adam Buxton's BUG so I told her all about my last couple of dates with the Kent lady. Just before I'd met my friend, I'd received a text from my date asking what I was up to and asking about my day.

On the way home I hadn't heard from her again in response, and it was quite late at night. She was still online, which was unusual for her as she normally went to bed early. She hadn't replied to my text though and was quite vague when I sent her another one. Though nothing was obviously wrong, I had a bad feeling. The sort you get when you've had a lot of contact with someone and you get used to their habits and nuances.

I then didn't hear from her for the next three days. This was extremely unusual and I feared the worst. I knew what was coming but I waited to see if she got in touch with me.

On our dates she'd told me some interesting stories about her marriage and previous relationships. Apparently her ex-husband had been very controlling and it sounded like it hadn't been a happy one for a while, but she was shocked when he asked for a divorce. Another recent relationship she'd been in was with a cocaine addict. Initially she'd get worried and paranoid if she hadn't heard from him for 12 hours. Then he'd go missing for days and he eventually confessed that he'd been on cocaine binges with prostitutes, however, he convinced her that he'd just take drugs with them and nothing else, which she believed. She kept giving him chances but he'd keep go missing again and finally admitted that he'd also been having sex with the hookers. This is when she broke things off.

After feeling quite sad from not hearing from her for a few days I texted to see if everything was ok. She replied instantly and said they were but she'd been too busy to text me. I then asked if everything was ok between us and she said no. She said that I made her smile and laugh and that she wanted there to be fireworks and that I wasn't her 'forever guy.' I said that's fine but we'd had two really good dates and that it was pretty uncool to just not to say anything. She apologised and said our chats and dates had been great and she should have said something. I asked her what she wanted to do and she said call it a day and I agreed and that was that. Everything was amicable but I shouldn't have had to have contacted her for the privilege of finding out that I'd been dumped. I was also very confused as to how she'd gone off me so quickly.

I was deeply disappointed but 'drowned my sorrows' by scoring some coke and partying with some escorts.

Date 165


"You won't see me anymore."


I was really looking forward to this date and I think that she was too as she'd already mentioned things we could go and see if the first date went well. Alas, it wasn't to be. I always try to keep my feet on the ground before meeting someone but when they appear excited I think I get carried away a bit, especially as we'd been texting a lot beforehand.

This date, of course, took place in London again...I think we'd agreed to meet at 8;15pm but on my way there from Brighton she texted me to say she'd missed her train and didn't rock up until 9pm. She lived 20 minutes away and my journey was over 2 hours door to door so I just had to go for a wander until she turned up.

Due to her lateness we couldn't get into the restaurant that we were intending to go to but found an ok replacement nearby. I thought we got on really well and she regaled me with stories about how she hung out with New Order as she'd worked on a documentary about them, and we planned to go and see the Stanley Kubrick exhibition at the Design Museum.

However, I had to leave at around 10;30pm to make my trek back to the south coast, although I'd loved to have stayed longer. I felt very positive about how it had gone but those vibes were short-lived as she texted me the next night to say she liked me but probably said something about there not being a spark. I was definitely disappointed and a bit surprised by this but she was very up front and I can have no complaints because we had a nice, if short, evening and she was completely honest with me. Cowards and 'Ghosters' take note.

We texted for a week or so afterwards and did make plans to go to that exhibition but we never did and I stopped hearing from her.

Date 164


"Give up education as a bad mistake."


Another date in London to continue my run and l'm at quite a loss to explain why I can't seem to meet anyone in Brighton.

This person was an incessant texter and most of her messages were surreal streams of consciousness, and at times I struggled to comprehend what she was on about. So, we spoke a lot by text before we actually met, and she's a teacher which made me a bit wary as I've got a really bad track record when it comes to dating women from that profession.

We met for drinks, and I think food as well, and it was fine and she was nice. She had a fairly strong Irish accent but a really, really deep voice which threw me initially as I wasn't expecting it at all. She also had a very strange, somewhat quirky dress sense.

I certainly had my doubts but she said she'd come to Brighton to see me as she was very appreciative that I'd met her in London, which was good of her.

In the days before the second date, I have to confess that I wasn't looking forward to it. I wasn't really nervous, but I just wasn't excited. However, it was a pleasant way to spend a Sunday afternoon as we went for a roast, went for a long walk by the sea and had ice cream. There just wasn't any chemistry between us though and I was going to text her to tell her this afterwards but she actually got in before me and said as much on her way home. It was all very mature and amicable, which isn't so common these days.

Date 163


"If they dare touch a hair on your head I'll fight to the last breath."


Yet again, I had to venture to London for a date but as this Audi TT driving hairdresser lived in Essex;  it was equidistant for both us and not just a trek for me.

She was really nice and I really fancied her but I don't think there was probably that mutual spark between us. Having said that it was a pleasant evening along the Southbank involving drinks and a meal and we got on well, and even shared a kiss at Embankment Station. She also informed me afterwards that my beard was very ticklish.

I tried to organise a second date, and although we chatted a lot via text, she kept being vague about meeting up and in the end she asked if we could be friends. The distance between us probably would have been problematic but we're still sort of in touch if you can class her occasionally liking my Instagram posts as us being bosom buddies.

Friday 19 July 2019

Date 162


"Who will swallow whom?"


Being a little closer to home than London, though still not that near, we met in a really nice cocktail bar in Eastbourne, which was sort of halfway for both of us. However, the journey was worth it as we really got on.

We had lots in common in terms of music, tv etc. and she made it clear very quickly that she wanted to do very naughty things to me. The only factors which were going to be a challenge were her limited availability due to childcare commitments, as she was only free every other Saturday and Wednesdays, and even though we both lived in the same counties; we weren't that close distance-wise.

Our second date had been planned well but got off to an inauspicious start. I met her after work one Wednesday evening near her house and we got some booze and went to the chip shop, then onto her house. When we got to hers though, her ex-partner and the father of her child's car was parked outside. Although they'd been separated for quite a while, he's still got a key and even though he's meant to ring ahead, he apparently just turns up unannounced sometimes. She didn't want to go in with me in tow, and even though it's her house we had to go and eat our chips in her car along the seafront while the rain pelted down. Not very romantic.

He'd thankfully gone when we arrived back and so in order to make up for lost time we pretty much immediately went up to her bedroom and got down to things that couldn't be described as romantic either And it was great but we did get our wires crossed as I didn't know that I was meant to be staying the night as I'd assumed I wasn't as it was a school night and she had to get up for work at 6am the next morning and I had things on too. So, I went home that evening! If truth be told though, I was also a bit worried that her ex-boyfriend was just going to walk in on us unannounced.

That was actually the last time I saw her as it just became impossible to meet up as whenever she had a free Saturday for us to meet, I was busy. We kept in contact for quite a while but I think she got frustrated that I was never available or she met someone closer to home as things just fizzled out. If nothing else though, it did enable me to break my 18 month vow of celibacy.


Monday 15 July 2019

Date 161


"Some girls are bigger than others."


I got a feeling straight away with this date that she wasn't for me, which doesn't happen that often as I fancy most women I meet at first. I made the trip to London again to meet for drinks along the Southbank, which I don't mind as I like an adventure and Southbank is one of my favourite places, plus I can't seem to get any dates near to me, so needs must.

It was a pleasant couple of hours with her but that's sometimes the downside of travelling for dates as if it had been in Brighton, I think I would have left earlier but wanted to make the most of my £13 return.

She had a really good taste in music, which is always a massive bonus for me, but I'd sensed from our text conversations that she could be quite prickly too. By the time I left she was also quite drunk and told me that she hated it when dates ghosted her as she was a "big girl" and could take being told if someone wasn't into her.

On the train home, I thought it was best to be honest so I texted her and said I'd had a nice evening but couldn't see anything beyond friendship and she replied with:



What could I have possibly responded with..?

Saturday 13 July 2019

Date 160


"And let me get your head on the conjugal bed."


Although these date took place in Brighton, this woman lived in London but was staying nearby for a month due to work commitments, so yet another person not local.

The first two dates were relatively brief in a couple of different bars and were pleasant and she appeared to be a very nice person but I was having my doubts the more I got to know her. For the third date, I booked a table at a tapas restaurant in Brighton, and again it was very pleasant, but my god, she just talked and talked about herself and her family and I genuinely couldn't get a word in.

Although she was good to hang out with, I just sadly didn't fancy her at all so I had to be honest and tell her how I felt...but not in so many words. I obviously always do this even though I usually get arsey responses. If I ghosted people I'd rightfully get an arsey text so it's a no win situation. And this was no different. She was ok when I explained it at first but then got a bit snide whilst making small talk about bed linen!


If only she knew how little action my 'passion pad' gets.

Wednesday 10 July 2019

Date 159


"Park the car at the side of the road"


This date took place way back in January 2019, so my first of the year and it also started off a trend where all my dates this year have (so far) involved meeting people who are not Brighton dwellers. I have no explanation for this but I just can't seem to meet anyone local.

As this person lived in Kent, we met halfway for a meal at the Southbank in London. And having spoken to other people, this was a very typical internet date in which it was very pleasant and the other person was good company but that's it. As most of mine tend to have a bit of drama, this was something I don't tend to experience much.

As much as I don't want my dates to be dramatic it's always good to have an anecdote but there's very little I can say. The only possible thing I could mention would be that her hair and dress sense gave the impression that she'd just walked out of an office from the 1980's (despite her being only a year or two older than me) but she drove a company Jaguar, so who am I to comment on her appearance.

I liked her but didn't feel any compulsion to arrange a second date and she presumably felt the same as I didn't hear from her either. We exchanged text pleasantries after the date on the way home, but that was it and so the year got off to a quiet start.

Sunday 7 July 2019

Date 158


"No more apologies." 


This was a bad date and that was partly down to me as I've no idea why we met in the first place. I sort of knew beforehand that we didn't have much in common but sometimes I just like to go out and meet new people, so tend to go on more dates that I should (no shit; it's date 158!!!).
She suggested the pub we should meet in and whilst it wasn't that much of a trek for me, it still took about 1.5 hours door to door to get there. When I did arrive, I found out that it was only 5 minutes from where she lived, which was a bit bloody convenient for her. 

I didn't really know what to make of her, as she was quite full of herself and let me know very early on that if we did stay in touch then it would be as friends and nothing else. Which is completely fair enough as I always welcome honesty. However, she then proceeded to rattle off all the things that she didn't like about me...One of them might have been not listening to people whilst on dates, but I can't remember the rest as I'd zoned out by then.

The worst part of the night was actually the fact though that I have no definite idea of how I got home that evening (that's also not taking into consideration that I think I may have knocked her glass of wine over at some point). Which genuinely still scares me as I'm normally very careful about these things, especially as I was in a completely unfamiliar area. Despite it being a rubbish date, we got really drunk and I don't know how. I've got a vague idea that my journey home involved two taxis but that's pure guesswork. I'm still ashamed of letting myself get so pissed and I think that it's acted as a real wake-up call for me even though I'm not a regular drinker. Despite being so inebriated, I still managed to use a cash-point, hang my coat up, lock the back door and fold my clothes up neatly before waking up and having no idea how I'd got in my bed. My one error though, had been to leave my keys in my niece's highchair which my sister found the next day!

I also wanted to use this post to discuss what should have been Date 159.

Shortly after the above disaster, I'd arranged to meet someone for drinks a lot closer to home. Since, I'd been left abusive voice mails by a previous nutcase, I'd been slightly reluctant to swap numbers, although this person didn't ask to and I don't think it would have made any difference anyway.

The location, day and time had been set by this supposed 159th date and I was looking forward to it, plus it had been confirmed as we'd been speaking the day before. I got to the pub a bit early so sent her a message via the Bumble app to say I'd ordered a drink and was sitting at the bar. About 20 minutes later I'd finished my drink and hadn't heard anything from her and obviously by this time she was running late. I then ordered another drink and spotted a booth seat and table free so nabbed that and messaged her again to tell her where I was sitting. It then dawned on me that she wasn't coming and for the first time in my life I'd been stood up by a date. Although I knew she wasn't going to show up I got another drink as I'd made all the effort to come into Brighton so thought I'd have one for the road.

I finished that drink and was just about to leave when I belatedly received a message from her. A full hour after we were meant to meet and it was the biggest load of bollocks I've ever heard. She claimed that she hadn't been able to access the app during the day, so by her Planet Weirdo logic had presumed we weren't meeting....which is quite an assumption to make. I said I'd been there an hour and was just about to leave and she responded by saying that was a shame as she'd been Christmas shopping nearby and really fancied a pint. So, at no point did she think to venture into the bar and check if I was there. She was also seemingly more concerned by her thirst than the fact that she'd stood me up. I was absolutely livid but I didn't reply so when I got home and I'd heard nothing from her, let alone an apology, I deleted her from the app and reported her (not that anything would happen anyway). 

I suppose I'd done well to get to this many dates and not have experienced a 'no show' before, as I'm sure its very common, but it's such a cowardly thing to do and I've no idea how anyone can just not turn up. What the hell is wrong with people?! I also vowed never to use Bumble or go on a date again...but of course I did.