Date 128

"Ice water for blood."

This turned out to be my last dalliance on GSM before my subscription ran out, and in retrospect I wish I hadn't bothered as it turned out to be a waste of my valuable time.

We didn't live near each other as she was in Surrey and there was also the fact that she was tee-total so we couldn't meet for a quick drink. This wasn't a problem and when I asked why she didn't drink, she said she just didn't need to. I, therefore, had to be a bit creative, so I suggested that we meet at Kings Cross, go for a coffee and then pay a visit to the Wellcome Collection as there was an exhibition on there called Bedlam: the asylum and beyond, which she and I agreed sounded really interesting.

This was also not going to be for a few weeks as we could only meet on a Saturday and we both had plans for quite a few. In the weeks leading up to it though we were in regular contact and a couple of nights before I relayed the plan and it was set in place. I was really looking forward to it but on the night before we were due to meet she asked if we could postpone! She claimed she had some work to do which would take her all afternoon, and said we could meet for a quick coffee in East Croydon instead. I rejected this idea as it would have taken me a couple of hours to get to Croydon, whereas she was only about 20 minutes away. I was really pissed off that she cancelled at the last minute and I suspect that she got a better offer. She did say we could meet properly in a couple of weeks and, despite my misgivings, I said yes, as I always like to give people another chance.

When organising our date she said she could meet me at 2pm but when I suggested we could have lunch, she said it was too late for her to eat, so she ate beforehand which I didn't really understand as surely she could have moved the time to an earlier one. On the way to see her, I was nervous and excited, which were emotions that I'd not felt for a while, but these became dulled a bit when she was late and I had to go looking for her as she didn't know where our rendezvous point was. When I did locate her she looked like she'd just got up out of bed a few minutes before. I don't expect my dates to wear ball gowns but I always make an effort with my appearance, but she looked more like she was popping out to the corner shop for a pint of milk.

She then didn't want to go to the coffee shop I'd chosen as there was a small queue so we ended up going to a Costa. We only spent about 15 minutes in there then made our way to the exhibition, which was nearby. Once inside she then fucked off and went round the whole place ON HER OWN. ON A DATE!!!! I couldn't believe it. If you're with friends then doing that is acceptable but not when you've just met up with a potential suitor. I sort of did that too but kept making a beeline for her to make conversation but she was in her own world. She then sat down to watch a video on a loop for 20 minutes or so. This really took the piss as while she was doing that I went round the rest of the place and kept going back to her and she was still sitting there. I did this several times and each time I went back there were different people sitting next to her every time.

When she was finally finished with her viewing entertainment she then went round to the finish while I hovered about. Afterwards we went upstairs to look at another floor of a different exhibit and she did the same thing! After a while I said I was really thirsty and suggested we go the cafe downstairs as for some reason I wanted to get to know her properly as apparently we were on a first date.

Whilst sipping our cans of coke in the cafe I decided to quiz her on her no drinking lifestyle. She claimed that she just wasn't fond of alcohol and it just wasn't her thing. I then jokingly said "oh well, at least you're not a recovering alcoholic." She then looked at me in a very strange way and said nothing. After a short silence she confessed to actually being a recovering alcoholic and that she'd not had a drink for 16 years. She'd also been in rehab and had regularly gone to AA meetings. This didn't really bother me at all, and I was sympathetic and tried to make the best of an awkward situation. She then announced that she was meeting friends for dinner and we made our way to Victoria together and departed on our separate journeys home.

To me, the negatives outweighed the positives on this date. To be honest, I didn't find her very friendly and I'm not sure she showed much interest in finding out about me. I also felt that I'd gone to a lot of effort in arranging the date and it also took me about 3 hours to get there. I also felt a bit short-changed as we'd barely had time to speak after her solo voyage round the museum. I was certainly attracted to her and I found her intriguing and wanted to find out more about her, so I messaged her the next day about meeting up again. This is the response that I received back from her:

We barely spoke so I'm not sure where she got her information from regarding my expectations and situation. I expected her to say no and, thinking back, I think that I mistook her mysteriousness for aloofness.

Date 127

"I missed my bed and I soon came home."

I'd been communicating with this Aussie lady via Guardian Soulmates for a little while. She lived in London and I happened to be staying over for a couple of nights as I was seeing the Pixies at Brixton Academy, so we met up the night before.

The BFI bar became yet another scene for one of my first dates and it felt good to be back; although it had probably only been a few months since I'd last been there...We had a few drinks and I assume we went for something to eat, although I can't remember where we ended up going.

The night was going well and as the bars were closing I suggested she came back to my hotel as it had a late licence. I was definitely having fun, but my god could she knock her drinks back! I've never seen anything like it it. Even though I was enjoying her company, it got to 2am and I actually was wondering when she'd leave as I could barely keep awake. This is no criticism of her but I actually just wanted to go up to my room and jump into my bed as I was absolutely exhausted. Luckily the bar staff closed up and, as she had work the next day, she rang for a cab. 

As I escorted her out to the front of the hotel, we shared a snog, but in actual fact I don't think it could be described as such as it was the worst kiss I've honestly ever had in my life. I can't even explain what it was like, but I remember afterwards trying to work out what had actually happened. Despite cleaning the bar out she began to serenade me in the street through the medium of dance until her cab arrived.

I liked her and I think I was attracted to her but I've never been so pleased to get to bed. I didn't stir until midday but she'd actually gone into work on time after only about four hours sleep. Is this the behaviour of a functioning alcoholic or just normal for someone born and bred in Australia?

It was quite close to Christmas and she was going back home for a few weeks so we talked about her visiting me in Brighton when she got back. This never happened however. We texted for a month or so, mostly while she was down under, but I didn't have an overwhelming urge to see her again. I'm not sure why as she's a genuinely lovely person, but maybe she felt the same as the communication just fizzled out between us. I did contact her again a couple of months later and she was seeing someone else so that did make me wonder if she'd been working on her kissing technique. 

Date 126

"I've spent too long on your trail. Far too long chasing your tail."

After trying to get by for almost a year by solely using free dating sites, I went back onto Guardian Soulmates after being a sent a massive discount. I was getting a bit fed up with Tinder dates cancelling on me and/or disappearing.

Two of the major times this happened were just so rude. With the first one, I'd booked a table for dinner on a Friday night and only found out she was cancelling when I texted her the night before to confirm. She claimed that she couldn't get a babysitter, although she hadn't made any effort to let me know. But she said that she really wanted to meet me. So, the following week I booked another table at a restaurant for a Sunday roast. She was going to be in Brighton for a hen weekend and even though I said I didn't think that was a good idea as surely she'd be nursing a massive hangover, she assured me she'd go easy the night before, and be fine. True to form, an hour before we were due to meet on the Sunday I received a text from her cancelling as she'd gone home that morning as she felt ill from all the drinking. I really wasn't impressed at all and had no interest in meeting her now.  However, she contacted me later on and said she'd definitely meet me the following week. We agreed to meet on a Saturday evening, but when I texted her to confirm the finer details the night before, she ignored it and I never heard from her again.

Something similar happened on another Tinder date and this was equally as infuriating. In this case we'd set a time and place to meet and I only found out she was cancelling when I messaged her the night before to confirm and she said she was ill and couldn't make it (and again hadn't made any effort to let me know). She said we could reschedule it for the following week at the same time and location. Again, I texted her the night before to confirm and when I awoke the next day I checked my messages and she'd deleted me from Tinder without saying anything. I could have quite easily just turned up because as far as I was concerned it was set in stone (had she not deleted me).

I therefore thought that I'd made the right choice by going back onto GSM after having a lot of contact with a delightful woman from Hastings. We spoke on the phone and made plans to meet. However, she vanished as well when I contacted her to confirm our date...

At this point, I didn't think that I'd ever go on a date again! But then I got chatting to a really funny stand-up comedian and actress on GSM. We seemed to share the same sense of humour and had a really fun first date. I'm not sure if I fancied her but we got on really well and agreed to meet up again.

We continued texting the next day but then they just stopped, so I took the hint, and by now I'd lost the motivation to chase people up.

Date 125

"And time is against me now."

Having met a woman 11 years older than me on my previous date, I went the other way this time and met someone 7 years my junior through Tinder again.

After minimal contact I suggested a drink and she said she could do a Sunday late afternoon as she was in Brighton for something beforehand. That seemed fine to me, however, on the morning of the date she messaged me to say she'd forgotten that she would be going to a gig the same evening, so as it turned out I was only allowed to see her during a brief one hour window in her busy schedule.

It's a shame that I couldn't book a longer 'appointment' as I really liked her, although I don't think that the feeling was mutual. I thought that we got on well and despite the age difference we had similar reference points. To top it all off as well, she was an absolute stunner.

I texted her the next day as I thought I'd made a good first impression on her however, she didn't want a second date as she felt that there wasn't a romantic vibe between us. She did say she'd enjoyed meeting me a lot and suggested we hook up for a beer. So, I contacted her a couple of times more for said beer but she had other things on so I just left it. I'm sure her turning me down had nothing to do with her being a Psychologist either...

Date 124

"And I got confused, I killed a nun; I can't help the way that I feel."

Tinder reared its head again and I went on a date with a woman 11 years older than me. We'd communicated quite a lot beforehand and seemed to have a similar sense of humour. However, a couple of things bothered me before we met up.

After we'd agreed a time and location to meet up she asked me the below question:

I get asked that a lot and it seems to really matter to a lot of potential dates. In fact, someone else on Tinder actually cancelled a date that we'd arranged when she found out my height, despite her being a few inches smaller than me. I've no idea in the scheme of things why this matters at all, and if only these people knew that I make up for my lack of height in other ways...

She did actually say that she'd make an exception with me though as I made her laugh.

The second thing that I found odd was a text she sent me a few days before our date. In it she told me she was in Portsmouth on a date with another guy. I thought this was an unwritten rule in dating? I suppose we all know that other people are going on dates but we don't really want to be told. She also said that she was having a great night and that the guy she was with had gone to a lot of effort, however, she said she'd be friend-zoning him! In this instance I actually felt sorry for HIM. Poor chap!

When we did eventually meet, she was over half an hour late. We got on fine but there was something about her that I just wasn't sure about, and I couldn't put my finger on it. When I got home I was a bit tipsy and she texted me to say that we should go out again and we arranged a second date. I probably agreed because I was feeling quite merry, however, I like to give people another chance as sometimes I just can't tell after one date.

I booked a table at a Thai restaurant for our follow-up and it was a pleasant evening but again, there was something about her that I just wasn't keen on. She had plenty of stories, which included her thrill-seeking adventures sitting on the wings of bi-planes (she'd done this a few days before) and that the father of one of her children was now a successful entertainer who made a living out of dressing up as a nun and driving a mobile keyboard/organ around. Although I still couldn't work out what it was, I think maybe I found her a bit arrogant. As it happened I never contacted her again and she didn't attempt to contact me either.

Date 123

"Fame, fame, fatal fame."

I'm choosing to look back on this date as the one and only time so far in my life that I got to snog a TV personality.

We'd only exchanged a few messages on Bumble and actually met up really quickly. She lived in North London and I happened to be spending a couple of days away in the capital so we met a few hours after I'd checked into my hotel room.

As we hadn't really 'spoken' much beforehand, I was quite surprised when we were choosing a location to meet that she suggested an alleyway for a shag. Of course she was only joking and said she instantly regretted saying that, so eventually we settled on my old favourite the South Bank. When I met her at Embankment tube station, I was instantly attracted to her and we seemed to hit it off straight away, especially after a few drinks at the BFI Benugo Bar (the scene of many a failed date for me). It was here that I also learnt her claim to fame; she'd played a starring role in the Channel 4 tv series Educating the East End and had also been on some tv dating shows over the years...so she clearly wasn't shy.

Afterwards we went for something to eat and I think shared a couple of bottles of wine and got very merry and I enjoyed my first proper snog of the year. At the tube station I also asked her if she wanted to come back to my hotel bar and she said she definitely would have but as bad luck would have it, the GCSE results were coming out the next day so she had to be in school bright and early.

So, we parted ways and I went back to my hotel for a night cap. Whilst there she rang me to say she'd got home alright and that she'd had a lovely evening. Still feeling that the night was young I stayed at the bar drinking until 4am, talking shite to the staff whilst being plied with free cocktails that they were trying out on me. When two members of staff, who were visiting from other hotels in the chain, left me on my own to sit somewhere else, I took that as my cue to go up to my room.

I felt absolutely awful the next day and instantly regretted not going to bed at midnight when I had the chance. I was meeting a very good friend of mine from Twitter for the first time to go to the flicks and I was really in a bad way. We went to see David Brent: Life on the Road, which was so funny, and I really thought I was going to pass out in the cinema. My stomach was turning somersaults and I had the sweats and the shakes badly. Then, weirdly towards the end of the film, I suddenly felt back to normal again.

On my way home, I received a text from her saying the GCSE results had been rubbish and she'd speak to me soon as she was going to bed. A couple of days later she rang me but I missed her call because it was 2AM and I was ASLEEP!

Two days after the missed call she texted me to ask how I felt about us because she was worried about logisitics. I said I wanted to see her again and she felt the same and that she liked me and thought that I was handsome and genuine, which made me wonder if she was actually blind and that I hadn't noticed. She had a dissertation to complete and said could she finish it first then we could meet again. It was due to be handed in a week or so later so I said that was fine.

I'd still not heard anything a fortnight later and messaged her to see how it had gone and I got no response. A week after that I thought I'd give it one more shot and again I got no reply, so I thought I'd leave it. Then a few days after that she sent me a long text apologising and saying she hadn't been in touch purely because she was busy with work and her family and that she'd be in contact me properly in a week. She also said I could pursue other leads if I wanted to (which I found a bit weird) but also that she really wanted to see me again and that she was thinking of me.

That was almost six weeks ago and I've still not heard from her. Bloody celebs.

Date 122

"And who hears when animals cry?"

Back to Tinder I went and not much to report.

I shared a few Guinness's with this very friendly and effervescent individual, and we actually got on very well as she was very chatty too. All that I can remember from our conversations though was her telling me that her brother's cat had befriended a local fox. Apparently they used to knock about together and sunbathe in the back-garden after forming an unlikely alliance against the not so welcoming neighbourhood cats.

Given that that's the only thing I can recall about her probably didn't bode well for meeting up again, but after wisely deciding not to end the night with a few shots, we actually planned to meet for a second date involving dinner as the evening had actually been enjoyable.

However, when I contacted her again she claimed to have met someone else (very quick work on her part!), so I didn't get the chance to be regaled with any more unusual animal anecdotes.

Date 121

"It's time the tale were told." 

This was my first experience of meeting someone through the dating app Bumble. It's similar to Tinder, with the only main difference being that if you match with someone then only the female can send the first message; and if she doesn't make contact with you within 24 hours then she disappears from your match list. I'd used it for a while on and off and had a fair few matches but no-one had interacted with me until this person did. I'd actually got to the point where I thought it was some sort of scam where most of the members' profiles were fake so I was very surprised when we ended up arranging to meet for a date.

She lived in Brighton too and I suggested that we meet at a bar in Hove. The first one we went to was absolutely heaving, a man at the bar kept staring at both of us in a really uncomfortable manner and they'd stopped serving food, so we went to one round the corner.

The next pub was much better and we shared a bottle of wine and had a cheeseboard. I thought that we got on really well and I was definitely attracted to her and wanted to see her again as she was very funny too. So, the next day I texted her about a second date and she seemed very keen to meet up. So much so that she said she was busy the next weekend so couldn't see me then but could we go to the cinema a few days later just to keep the momentum going.

We went to see Tale of Tales and the film was the best thing about the date. It didn't really feel like a date to be honest though as we barely spoke. We were going to meet beforehand to get a drink but she was so late that we got to our seats just before the film started. I really enjoyed it but she found it a bit too weird. She then had to go home straight afterwards as she worked in Camden so had to get up early the next morning for the commute. She said she was sorry that we couldn't go for a drink afterwards but when I asked her about another date she became very vague.

I hadn't heard from her a week later so I texted her to ask about a third date. She replied with:

"Thanks for the lovely offer but I'm going to decline."

I thought that was a bit rude and patronising so I just deleted her number and didn't respond. She'd seemed really up for going out again and considering we hardly uttered a word to each other for the second date, I don't really know what made her change her mind.

Date 120

"Has the Perrier gone straight to your head?"

Another quick Tinder date which only lasted a couple of drinks despite us having a lot in common with music etc. As she commuted into London each day she left after about an hour as she had to get up early the next day. I took this to mean that she probably wasn't interested in another date but I contacted her the next day anyway and, not to any great surprise, she wasn't in favour of meeting up again.

It was a very uneventful date and the only two things I can remember about her were that she used to be in a band in which she played bass-guitar sitting down cross-legged on stage dressed in a Victorian outfit, and that she'd claimed to have invented a new drink. Her drink of choice was a lager spritzer in which she had half a lager put into a pint glass with soda water then added to the brim. This confused many a bar-person as to what to charge her but also enabled her to drink pint after pint without getting absolutely hammered.

Date 119

"A friendship sadly lost?"

To me, living less than 20 miles away from a potential girlfriend is no distance at all. My last meaningful relationship involved going to North London every couple of weeks so I'm happy to travel. When replying to my first message on Plenty of Fish, Date 119 was up front and warned me that she wasn't interested in a long-distance relationship. My response was that we only lived 18.3 miles apart so then she said, ok, well if it doesn't bother you then lets meet up for a drink!

I was really excited about meeting up with her and as she lived in Eastbourne I said I'd venture over to her if she suggested a pub as I'd only been once or twice, so my knowledge of the place was virtually zero. I wanted to be on top form as well as I was keen to impress her...however, that bit didn't quite go to plan.

The previous night I'd been out with a friend in Hove, and there's no other way of putting this, but I got absolutely shitfaced. She put me in a taxi home but for some strange reason I asked the cab to drop me off at a village green about 15 minutes walk from my house. The next thing I can remember was being woken up by three young 'samaritans' at 4am asking me if I needed an ambulance...still on the village green! I can only assume that I passed out or just fell asleep. They at first thought I was a dog which I can only guess was because I had a furry hood on and a peak cap, and no doubt I was snoring my head off which probably sounded like growling. When they realised I was a male human, they actually dialled 999 as they thought I'd collapsed but I assured them that I was merely drunk so they cancelled the call. They then went above and beyond the call of duty by walking me all the way home. I was so grateful to them and feel very lucky that they found me as things could have been much worse. When I woke up the next day, I was so embarrassed as I'd never done anything like that before and have always managed to get myself home even when very inebriated. Besides guilt and embarrassment, my stomach didn't feel too good either. Luckily, I wasn't out until the evening so I stayed in bed for as long as I could but all I could manage to eat was a slice of toast and about 3 crisps all day. I was determined to go on my date though!

Door to door it took me about an hour and a half to get there. I also arrived about half an hour early so went for a stroll, then ordered a coke and sat in the pub, still not feeling great. Even though she lived about 10 minutes away she still managed to be half an hour late so I was in there quite a while, probably looking a bit worse for wear.

When she did rock up I wasn't disappointed, and forgive me for my shallowness, but she was the most beautiful woman I've ever met. Even though she was 49 and therefore 9 years older than me, she genuinely looked like someone in their mid-thirties. She was also the spit of Suranne Jones, which was brilliant as she happens to be a celebrity crush of mine. At various points of the night, I thought I was actually having a drink with the real Ms Jones, but this could have been down to the fact that I might have still been drunk from my previous night's escapades. For the rest of the evening I just had a water and a coffee and explained the reason for this, which she found funny. I think that that was a real disadvantage though as a combination of tiredness and sobriety probably didn't show me in a true light.

Besides this setback, I thought that we got on well, although we clearly didn't have the same music tastes. She asked me what I liked and I said The Smiths. She then went on to surmise that because of this I must like U2 and Coldplay as well. I stared at her blankly.

At the end of the night I got the impression that she wanted to see me again, however, when I texted her the next day, she said yes but only as friends. I was very disappointed but I said that was ok.

A week or so later I contacted her to see if she fancied visiting Brighton one evening. She said she would have done but she happened to be away when I'd suggested a night. A few days later she blocked me on Facebook despite there having been no further contact between us. I can only assume that she was offended by my profile picture which captures the moment that I met Brian Blessed, so she's obviously not a fan.

Date 118

"Oh, but please put your tongue away."

I'm really surprised that this woman from Plenty of Fish only wanted to see me for a couple of dates as I thought that she was quite into me.

On our first date, I fancied her but I didn't really feel that there was much chemistry between us, however she was quite tactile with me and kept touching me (my arm, leg etc. obviously!) and urging me to keep moving closer to her. We had a few drinks and kissed a little bit too.

We agreed to see each other again the next week and she cancelled an HOUR before we were due to meet. Door to door it takes me nearly an hour to get to the pub we'd said we'd go to and I was all dressed up and just about to leave my house when she let me know. Five minutes or so later and I'd have been on the bus. I wasn't impressed. She said she'd had to work late but I still don't know how she couldn't have let me known earlier. I wasn't really that bothered about seeing her again but she insisted that we meet up the following week.

For our second date (take 2) I was actually very taken by her in a complete reversal to date one. We found a bar open until midnight, drank a fair bit, made arrangements for date three and even had a proper snog.

Sadly date three never materialised. I texted her the next day to see if she wanted me to book a restaurant and five days later she replied and said 'you are a lovely bloke but just not for me.' I wasn't that disappointed but I was more annoyed at myself for agreeing to another date after she'd cancelled at such short notice.

Date 117

"I just feel that we're going no place."

Even though I went on three dates with this woman from Plenty of Fish, there's really not much to say. We got on well, all the dates were good fun and she's genuinely very funny. I haven't seen or heard from her for a while as our communications just fizzled out despite discussing meeting up again.

In fact the most memorable thing that really stands out is this amazing Salad Nicoise that I ordered on our third date:

All I can really say is that she's a lovely person and if we meet up again then we might make good friends.

Date 116

"I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour."

I can't remember much about this Tinder date other than that she was from Croydon and rode a horse that she was convinced was gay.

I fancied a jaunt to London and agreed to meet her at the SouthBank (one of my old haunts). Things were a bit awkward at first but after I'd given her an Easter chocolate treat (this isn't a euphemism and it was Easter Monday) and had a few drinks; we got on quite well.

After we'd eaten we then started ordering doubles whilst she chain-smoked roll-ups and got quite tipsy quite late into the evening. However, although I'd had a good time, I didn't have the urge to contact her afterwards, other than to thank her for the enjoyable evening, and she must have felt the same as we've not spoken since.

Date 115

"And the pain was enough to make a shy, bald Buddhist reflect and plan a mass-murder."

I have to say that I wasn't impressed by this date from Plenty of Fish when I initially met her. She lives in the same village which I thought was great as I don't really know anyone really local to me as I live in the sticks a bit.

The pub that I'd suggested we meet in, unbeknownst to me had a busy function going on, so when we both arrived, it was so rammed that we decided to go elsewhere. This wasn't so bad though as we then ventured into a pub that I'd wanted to try since I moved here and it was quite a decent one. What annoyed me a bit though was that we had 2 or 3 drinks and she didn't once offer to buy me or herself one which is a bit rude. I also didn't find her very interested in anything that I had to say.

I didn't plan to contact her again, and I never heard from her either, but a month or so later I texted her. I figured that even if there wasn't a romance between us it would be good to have a local acquaintance to hang out with.

I'm actually really glad that we did meet up as we had a great time, although I don't think it could be classed as a second date. The first time I met her, she made a big point about her being very spiritual and following Buddhist ways and rarely if ever drinking alcohol. However, on this occasion, we went and sat on the beach as it was a gloriously hot afternoon and drank 5 bottles of beer each. We then went to the most amazing Indian restaurant and shared a bottle of wine over dinner. During the afternoon she mentioned to me that she wasn't dating anymore as the internet method didn't agree with her as she felt it was all about rapid gratification, and she preferred taking the time to get to know someone. I don't think anything will happen between us but our second meeting was fun so I hope that at least we can become buddies, especially as she lives so near me.

Something else that was quite funny occurred when she got a text from some friends of hers who were on the beach too, asking if she wanted to meet up. She ignored the text though and had to secretly and stealthily make her way to the toilets as she was drunk and couldn't let them see her like that as they wanted to meet her for a ceremony that she performs in which she isn't meant to have had any alcohol for two years! 

Date 114

"I was bored before I even began."

This was a rescheduled date as she'd cancelled the first one due to illness. She'd also vetoed my first suggestion of a pub to meet up at as she said that she'd always felt uneasy in it but didn't know why. It's one of my favourite ones in Brighton, although during one of my last visits there; someone had had a suspected heroin overdose in the toilets so maybe she's got a point.

As it turned out we didn't stay in my second choice pub very long anyway. She told me that she'd been on her first internet date the previous week (I was her second...what an amateur) and had kept in touch with him as friends. He'd emailed her that day and asked how her dating was going and she said she was on a date in the evening and he was also. At the same bloody pub! I told her it would be a bit weird if he came in, and she agreed, so we beat a hasty retreat with only moments to spare.

We didn't stay in the next one that long either. I feel really bad about saying this but I was quite bored and so I ended the evening prematurely. She was really nice but I just wasn't feeling anything at all, which is rare for me as I usually fancy everyone. I even said to her at the end that I didn't feel a spark but that we could still be friends. I NEVER say that at the end of dates and she was actually quite shocked and let out an accentuated 'wow.' I must be getting fussy in my old age.

Date 113

"The Story of my Life."

You meet someone and you fancy them, they're funny, clever, great company, they collect vinyl and read graphic novels and they're 8 years younger than you. You spend the whole evening with them and they absolutely enchant you but the only problem is they don't fancy you back....story of my life...

After sharing a bottle of wine (we went halves on it) with this delightful date from OKCupid, she said she wanted to go out for a second date at the end of the night. However, when I texted her to ask if she fancied dinner for our next dalliance she'd decided that we'd be better as friends and that she hoped she hadn't misled me. We then met up again in that capacity for more drinks a couple of weeks later and it was another good night. It also transpired that she likes her men big and hairy, with her current crush being the character of Andri from the BBC4 Icelandic drama: Trapped.

Maybe I should get a makeover...

Date 112

"I left the South, I travelled North."

I was really excited about meeting this person but less enamoured when she suggested a coffee date; which in my experience is a terrible idea.

She'd contacted me initially on Guardian Soulmates and had wowed me with her eloquence, humour and a shared love of Columbo. She seemed eager to meet me and clearly wasn't put off by me being about 8 years younger than her!

When we met in a cafe I'd chosen, I couldn't help but notice that she looked a bit disappointed when I rocked up, and as such it turned out to be quite a short date. I knew that she'd met someone for lunch beforehand, and after one coffee I suggested that we move on to a pub but she told me that she was meeting a friend for dinner so had to go. I have to say that I really fancied her and the chat was good but I felt that I was just killing time for her in between meals.

I received an email from her a few days later and she said that she'd just received a job offer to work in Liverpool, out of the blue, and that she was going to accept it and she contimued:

"It has made me realise that I am really not sure where work will take me in the medium term. I can also see  that means our lives are very different so I doubt that there would be any possibility of us becoming friends or anything more."

Either that's the most elaborate excuse anyone has ever used not to go on a second date or she's moved to another region entirely just so we don't bump into each other again.

Date 111

"The hills are alive with celibate cries."

I got the impression with this person after a few dates that she was taking me for a ride, so when things ended I was a bit disappointed but not at all surprised. On her Guardian Soulmates profile her blurb about herself was in the form of a poem and so I sent her an equally poetic first message. When she replied she seemed to be genuinely thrilled by my creativeness, although she did ask if I had just copied and pasted the same poem to other women as a first message; which I found a bit strange as I'd included her name in it and had incorporated her interests and other aspects of her profile into it...

Our first date actually took place at the same pub I'd met Date 110, as I'd relayed the story back to her and she wanted to meet there to see if something similarly funny would happen. It didn't but it was still a very fun night and we actually managed to share two bottles of wine between us. I'd also arrived there feeling a bit ill and by the end of the night my voice had completely gone and didn't come back for a few days as I had a very bad throat infection.

I really fancied her and I was very pleased when she agreed to a second date and so I booked us a table at a really posh vegetarian restaurant in Brighton. It was again a fun night and we went through a lot of wine, and whilst I waiting for her; one of the Hairy Bikers walked past me. She did have funny fashion sense though and I'm still not sure about the outfit she wore, which included a very tight dress and thigh-high velvety boots. She did give me a big smacker on the lips though when I walked her to the bus-stop.

Even though we'd been on a couple of dates, I still felt that I didn't know much about her and because she was going into hospital for an operation on her nose; I wouldn't be able to see her again for another month or so. In between dates I didn't really hear from her much besides the odd, short text and it was quite common for messages then to just stop abruptly. I did message her in hospital though to see how she was getting on which I think was good for brownie points.

When we did eventually meet up for our next date she suggested we should go for a walk and pub expedition, which I wan't that sure about. She was due to get the bus over to where I live, as it's quite countryish but as it was a freezing cold and windy day she decided to drive over as her newly operated on nose was feeling painful. When I met her in the pub though, she seemed genuinely pleased to see me and I was feeling in good spirits so bought her lunch too. It was very pleasant despite a flatulent dog sitting near us polluting our meal; and she actually asked the dog owner to take it outside!

Even though she was worried about her nose and the coldness, we went for a long walk over the hills near me and I showed her Steve Coogan's house. We then went back into my village and found to our displeasure that every cafe and coffee shop was closed so we had to venture into a pub which was hosting a wake. It wasn't completely dissimilar to a scene from the tv series Shameless and there seemed to be quite a lot of tension in the air along with an abundance of tattoos and buggies. She said she was going out to the cinema with a friend that night so when she left it was only about 5pm, and because she was driving, we'd barely had anything to drink.

When I messaged her again the next day about another date, I asked if she wanted me to book a table at another restaurant and she said that sounded good and that she'd get back to me when she'd sorted some childcare out. Ten days later I'd heard nothing and texted her to see if she still wanted to go out for a meal. She replied and said she'd not been able to get a babysitter and apologised for not letting me know...She also said that, as she was having an extension built at her house, she couldn't afford to go out for a meal so we could we just go to the cinema the following week instead.

We agreed to meet at a pub the following Saturday and she ended up being half an hour late. I'd also bought us a £22 bottle of wine to share and she never once offered to go half's or contribute to it. Afterwards we went to the cinema, which I'd booked seats for, and she kept her coat on for the whole film. It finished at 11;15pm and I'd presumed that as she was low on cash, she'd be going straight home. This wasn't the case though and as we neared my bus-stop she told me that she was going to meet some friends in a pub and then basically just fucked off without me.

This really pissed me off unsurprisingly and I vowed never to contact her again after this grand act of rudeness. A couple of weeks later though, I still felt a bit intrigued by her and texted her casually to say that I was going to be in Brighton on the evening of Good Friday at a friend's 40th birthday and told her which cocktail bar we'd be in. She replied and said that her goddaughter was staying with her then and that they'd be out in town anyway so they'd pop in. I then instantly regretted mentioning it to her and pretty much forgot about it as I didn't expect her to turn up anyway. As it happened, she texted me during my friend's birthday and said she had been in Brighton but had gone home feeling ill and couldn't make it...

Exactly a month after our fourth and final date, she sent me a text out of the blue, saying that she thought that we were both in agreement that we were not right for each other and she wished me good luck for the future. I thought it was interesting that she spoke for me there although she was probably right! I had always though that our dating had been a very one-sided experience though as I'd always arranged everything and I tended to initiate making contact. Not seeing her very often over a period of a few months wasn't very good for momentum either and in retrospect she wasn't that interested in me; with lust probably being my main motivation.

Date 110

"Does the body rule the mind or does the mind rule the body? I dunno."

I'd agreed to go on a date with this person from OKCupid a few months before but I actually cancelled it. The reason being that before we were due to meet up, she told me that she was polyamorous. I hadn't heard of this before but she explained in basic terms to me that she had more than one sexual partner and that rather than fuck buddies she saw it as them being really good friends who could be intimate with each other and hang out together, but it wasn't just about sex. She also said that the key to it was that all of them were honest with each other so they all knew about what was going on.

At the time we were due to go on a date originally she was seeing two guys, with one of them being polyamorous and the other not being so, but they both knew about the other guy. As I wasn't familiar with the concept I explained to her that I was looking for a relationship with one person and she completely understood and so we never met up then.

However, a few months later I regretted the decision and so I got in contact with her again and we met in Hove for drinks and a cheeseboard. As it turned out she was a truly lovely person and we had a lot in common. There wasn't any chemistry between us though and she actually said that to me halfway through the evening! She did also say that she was having a lovely time and was enjoying the evening and I was in agreement.

During the date something a bit weird happened though as a woman in very tight leather trousers started going to all the tables trying to take selfies with other girls. She came up to my date and did this but then wanted her to properly kiss her and take a picture of it! My date didn't want to and physically squirmed, and so the woman moved onto another table and tried to do the same with other women. Then she moved onto the men of the pub but inexplicably completely ignored me. Which is a shame as I was well up for it...We couldn't work out if she was doing it for a dare or she was a swinger as the bloke she was with started trying to take selfies too, but he soon gave up due to a lack of interest from others.

At the end of the evening I was very kindly given a lift to my bus stop (by the polyamorous lady, not the leather trousered swinger) and, although we've not met up again, we've stayed in touch as she really is a genuinely lovely person.

Date 109

"What to be said of her?"

If my previous date had been rude then this one took things to a new level. We'd been chatting for a few days on Match and very last minute on a Saturday night, she asked me if I fancied meeting up for a drink an hour or so later.

The pub we actually met in first was rammed due to it being full of Brighton football fans so I took her to my favourite pub. This may not have been a good idea for a first date though, as when I went down to the toilets, a man had passed out from a suspected heroin overdose in a cubicle. When the owner was trying to ascertain what had happened she asked me to go elsewhere even though I was mid-flow weeing into a urinal. I told her that I wasn't physically able to do so!

Anyway, I digress, as we shared a bottle of wine (me and my date, not the heroin OD guy) and got on very well, mostly talking about our vinyl collections...

We then went to a restaurant and it was the second establishment we'd been to that night in which an ambulance had to be called. Thankfully this time it wasn't class A drug related (well, I don't think it was) but just a poor old guy who'd taken a tumble going down the stairs. Luckily he was ok after being checked over by a paramedic.

I wouldn't normally do this, but I'd had an enjoyable night and I was feeling generous, so I paid for her dinner too. I'm quite happy to do this when I've been seeing someone for a while but this was probably the first time I'd done this on a first date. I wish I hadn't in retrospect.

At the end of the night she told me that she'd had a really fun evening and so I contacted her the next day to see if she fancied a second date. She never replied. Not even a thanks but no thanks. Some people...

Date 108

"And people are rude and cruel to you."

This set the record as the shortest date that I've ever been on. I think that it lasted less than half an hour, although it felt longer as it was awkward from start to finish.

I can't actually remember which site she was on (probably Match) but as soon as I met her, I knew that it had been a mistake. We met in a pub and the first thing I asked her was where she lived in Brighton. I've only lived here a short time so I don't know it that well and to me that's a normal question to ask on a date. Bizarrely, she refused to tell me and said something along the lines of that she didn't want to reveal any information like that to me and that I should just assume that she lives in Brighton....

When she said that, I actually thought about just getting up and leaving. I very nearly did but I kept my composure and tried to make small talk with her, being conscious not to ask any personal questions! I suppose she'd maybe had a bad experience in the past, hence her being on the defensive but it seemed quite a strange reaction and an odd way to begin a date.

After I'd finished my drink I asked her if she wanted another one, purely out of politeness and she ummed and aahed a bit and said that she had to meet her daughter at the station. I then said goodbye to her outside and she asked me where I was going. I pointed in the direction of my bus stop and she said she she was going to Hanover, so in her parting gift I found out where she lived and that she wasn't meeting her daughter as the station is in completely the opposite direction...

Date 107

"The Death of a Disco Dancer."

I'd spoken to this date on a few different sites in which we'd agreed to meet up but then she'd always disappear so I had an idea that she was a bit flaky.

I think that we eventually arranged a date on Guardian Soulmates and we met for drinks in Brighton on a Saturday night. She was a bit older than me and really funny, although I don't think that I was the one for her as she said she liked bad boys. I found this quite amusing considering she was in her mid 40's and a mother of two children, but after hearing some anecdotes about bad boys she'd dated; then who am I to judge?

After we'd been to a couple of pubs she took me to the Green Door Store. It's a well known gig venue but they have club nights too. She said she needed to dance. I can't dance. I'm scared of dancing. The word 'dance' makes me break into a cold sweat. Even when I'm drunk I'm too self-conscious to dance.

She dragged me onto the dance floor and I just watched her. I couldn't join in so she started dancing with other people. I badly wanted to dance with her and I still maintain that if it had been an Alternative, Indie or 80's night then I would have, but the music was of a terrible soft rock variety. I stood on the sidelines with a drink and sort of tapped my feet a bit and pretended to look like I was having fun whenever she stomped past me and made eye-contact. She told me afterwards that she often popped in on her way home of an evening for a dance on her own. Is that a common thing? Am I missing out?

We actually agreed to meet again just before Christmas but she cancelled a day before and when I tried to rearrange she never replied. I can't stop thinking that if only they'd played the music to the Hokey-Cokey that night, then a second date would have happened as that's a dance that I know the moves to.

Date 106

"I thought that if you had an acoustic guitar, then it meant that you were a protest singer."

This was partly a band audition and partly a date as this person from match had contacted me after seeing that I mentioned that I played guitar on my profile. We got chatting and I sent her a demo of me playing; she liked it and so we met up for a drink.

She'd been living overseas for a long time and had recently moved back to Brighton after running a music newspaper/magazine abroad and being the lead singer in a band. I checked out some of her stuff online and she really could sing. She was also a voiceover artist. 

Now that she'd been back in the UK for a couple of months, she wanted to form a duo and she needed a guitarist; and that was where I supposedly came in. We discussed meeting up for a jamming session and to see if we could work together, which was exciting.

In terms of the date part, I found it quite difficult to work her out as she was really drunk when she turned up. She'd met a friend for dinner beforehand so had already made good headway in terms of red wine consumption. I think we only ended up having a couple of drinks as she was trying to drink a lot of water at the same time as having a couple more glasses of wine. I liked her but towards the end I was struggling to make much sense of her which was why we called it an earlyish night.

She texted me the next day saying it had been great to meet me and she profusely apologised for her inebriated state. She said she'd also be in touch in terms of us getting together for the band thing. I never heard from her and contacted her a couple of months later and she said she'd been busy and would let me know when things had calmed down, so I just left it.

Date 105

"Pass the pub that saps your body."

I met this Welsh lady through Match and it was an unusually incident free date.

We initially met for coffee on a Sunday in late summer and ended up going for a pub roast. It was the worst roast I've ever had and it was just like one of those ready-meals that you stick in the oven and pierce the lid...but like one when they first came out in the 1980's! The vegetables were under-cooked, the portions of everything were stingy e.g two roast potatoes, a sliver of meat etc. I was then amazed when she declared it to be one of the best she'd had.

We went to another pub and I introduced her to the joy of drinking Tuaca and she opened up a tiny bit more as she'd been fairly quiet. We only had a couple of drinks before she had to go but I thought that there was a good chance we'd meet up again as despite her taste buds not working, she'd been good company.

I emailed her to inquire about a second date and she replied thusly:

"As you know I'm pretty new to this site and have a couple more dates coming up soon. I just think I should go on more dates for a while and keep my options open for now."

I wonder how I compared to her other dates.